Author丨Xu Qianying
Title map | "Around Sunday Night"
Young people who actively choose a "partner" are open on the surface, but in fact, most of them have opened up their self-defense mechanisms.
"In the Sichuan dialect, the 'tie-up' relationship is to play together."
Zhou Xiaopeng can't tell what the connection between the hotly discussed "partner" on the Internet and Sichuan dialect culture is, but from the timeline, the mahjong "partner" in the Sichuan population must be earlier than the new "partner" relationship that is constantly expanding.
"Sichuanese people play mahjong, and 'making up partners' is found in acquaintances, while today's young people are looking for strange 'partners' on the Internet through hobbies and needs."
Zhou Xiaopeng believes that the two are still different in essence, and the psychological needs behind them are not the same.
Beijing, April 3, 2023. Visitors visit the contemporary art exhibition "WAVELENGTH: Emerge in a Flash" at the Times Museum. (Photo/Visual China)
Some people think that young people are going on blind dates by the way through various "tie-ups"; Some people think that "tie-in" is the "replacement" of intimacy; There are also those who believe that "tie-ins" are destroying young people's need for marriage...
Zhou Xiaopeng believes that there is no praise or disapproval of "partner", but the psychological motivation of those who actively choose "partner" determines the meaning of this short-term relationship.
At the moment when the "partner" relationship is prevalent, "New Weekly" talked with psychological counselor Zhou Xiaopeng about why young people increasingly prefer "partner" instead of friend, what is the psychological motivation behind "partner", and what kind of psychological needs are hidden behind the "partner" companionship.
The following is Zhou Xiaopeng's self-statement.
"Partnering" is not a new type of social relationship
Sichuanese people love to play mahjong, and "tie" and "tie" are the words often spoken every time they play mahjong.
In my opinion, "tie" is not a new type of social relationship, whether from the perspective of regional culture or behavioral psychology, "tie" means to play together, is a simple way of communication in daily life.
In 2006, I was still consulting on the marriage network, and I saw a lot of "matching" bureaus, and the organizers also organized the "six-person" activity - 6 young people organized a game according to their own interests and hobbies, and they could choose to watch movies, eat, climb, play ball, etc. together, which is actually a temporary and short-term way of organizing games.
Sichuanese people often say that "making a match" to play mahjong is to find a playmate in the relationship of acquaintances, and today's young people are looking for strange "partners" on the Internet through hobbies and needs.
"For the First Time in this Life" stills
In the past, when "tie" was not defined by the Internet, the scope was much broader.
The defined "partner" seems to have become the precise companionship of a major subdivision, taking advantage of everyone's lack and needs to find mutual satisfaction.
Heidegger said: "All things and living things are eternally in a state of relationship, and this relationship gives us meaning." ”
"Partnering" is not a strong relationship, they are strangers, just because of the same hobbies and ideas.
But why do young people prefer this "tie-in" relationship?
I think that today's young people seem to be open, making friends, chatting and sharing on the Internet, seemingly talking about everything, but in fact they are more defensive and better at protecting themselves and not opening up casually.
And the "partner" relationship is exactly what they need for interpersonal relationships - shallow communication, no need to communicate with each other, have boundaries, and refuse to answer everything they don't want to say at any time.
A still from "Restart Life"
Of course, because of this shallow relationship, it is easier for them to let down their guard, open the claustrophobic dark compartment of their hearts, and regard the "partner" as a "tree hole".
For adults, they are more willing to speak their hearts in the face of short-term, uninterested, unfamiliar people.
The scope of "partnering" is extensive, in addition to drinking, eating, drinking milk tea, fitness, studying, etc., it also includes virtual companionship such as online chatting and playing games.
Addicted to "tie-in" relationships,
May constrain one's own growth
In interpersonal communication, people will have different needs for different relationships.
Generally speaking, the closer a person is, the higher the demand.
For example, in the intimate relationship of love, people have sex, emotional expression, attention, common growth and other needs.
But "tie" only needs to meet a single need, and it is one of the most distantly distant.
April 29, 2023, Yantai, Shandong. Spectators attending the Midi Music Festival. (Photo/Visual China)
When some young people indulge in "partnering" relationships for a long time, it may cause an invisible harm to life.
Each of us has the psychology of comparison and comparison, often amplifying the partial satisfaction in the "partner" relationship, long-term addiction to the "partner" relationship, young people (will) not want to enter into an intimate relationship, or do not want to fall in love.
The "tie" relationship, just need to satisfy the desire, often rapid combination, rapid separation.
In other words, people who fall into a "tie-up" relationship can always feel passionate, fresh, and stimulating relationships.
In real life, the longest passion is only 18 months, when the passion is over, how should we face the trivial things in ordinary life?
A "partner" is a relationship that is super self-satisfied and lacks mutual trust.
Normal interpersonal communication cannot be monolithic, let alone only pleasure without pain.
If there are only positive emotions and no negative emotions in normal interactions between people, this relationship will not be considered an emotional relationship.
But people are multifaceted, and the relationships between people are pluralistic, not monolithic.
Stills from "Around Sunday Night"
The essence of the "tie-up" relationship is to activate self-defense, showing only one side to others, and others also only show one side.
What I am worried about is that if some young people are overly self-defensive, they will cause self-isolation, unwillingness to show themselves, unwillingness to face problems in life, fear of interpersonal communication...
To put it bluntly, many people do not fall in love because they are afraid of trouble, because they need to deal with problems and solve problems when they are in love. And a person can live very dashingly, avoiding a lot of problems and troubles.
There are three roles in intimate relationships: parental roles, adult roles, and child roles.
The child character means that I play when I have fun and don't care about others; The role of parents is that I have to control others; Adult characters, on the other hand, must control others like parental characters and play occasionally like child characters.
In general, children and children can play happily, but it is impossible for one child to be responsible to another.
When some young people are overly addicted to "partnering" relationships, they may become child-like and unable to handle the long-term relationships around them.
To put it more seriously, addictive behavior, or excessive avoidance of sexual behavior, is likely to occur.
If the person is overly childlike, then he can never become an adult.
The existence of a "tie-up" relationship is a bad relationship for him and will constrain his growth.
"Tie" can also be a way to get rid of the order
Of course, for people who are more "home", unwilling to participate in blind dates, and it is difficult to open the topic when dating, you may wish to try "matching".
"Tie-in" relationships provide a way to rely on and support each other and help build intimacy; Shared hobbies can break the original cognitive structure and enhance mutual understanding; Frequent communication can improve communication skills, interpersonal skills and problem-solving skills.
When young people turn a short-term relationship with a "partner" into a long-term relationship, whether it is from a "partner" to a friend relationship or a romantic relationship, it is conducive to their personal growth.
There is no praise or disapproval for "partnering", but the psychological motivation of those who actively choose "partner" determines the meaning of this short-lived relationship.
Any relationship is prompting us to change and grow, and if there is withdrawal, avoidance, and self-isolation in personal emotions, it may be that we have not handled the relationship well.
Stills from "Today is also safe"
In everyday life, the more complex the relationships, the more problems we have to deal with.
In the case of the prevalence of "partnering", I found that some young people are afraid of online dating.
They constantly amplify the image of bad guys on the Internet, while constantly shrinking their own energy.
In fact, each of us has the ability to protect ourselves, know how to better screen the right people, and have the ability to prevent ourselves from being harmed.
When we learn how to protect ourselves, we are able to open our hearts and minds to communicate with the right people.
A still from "Restart Life"
Understanding yourself in the process of interpersonal communication can be an important lesson in life.
We will definitely encounter many problems in life, and we will not escape or ignore it.
When you know your bottom line, your own values, and your own energy, you will naturally have the power to protect yourself.
We need to acknowledge that as long as we live, we will encounter all kinds of crises, risks, and uncertainties in the future, and we can live better because we have the ability to solve problems.
At present, what some young people lack is courage, they want to get rid of the so-called social pressure, they want to desperately escape the "involution" environment, and constantly find various excuses to convince themselves that they must activate their self-defense mechanisms.
In fact, in behavioral psychology, when we want to change, our behavior changes.
If there are too few friends around, we must learn how to use the "partner" method to make more friends and make the circle of friends wider; If we want to enter into an intimate relationship, we should be more open to problems in the relationship.