A few days ago, we tweeted "Heal children's wounds, slowly melt that frozen heart". The article tells the story of a "seriously problematic" high school boy who turned back.
One stone stirs up a thousand waves!
Many parents, friends and readers immediately gave feedback and questioned: this child is addicted to games, willing to degenerate, and does not know how to be grateful, and has reached the level of attacking parents, fierce blackmail, and human nature. The child's father actually "shut up, pull out money", and give two hundred more like a "stupid hat"! This is obviously what to give, pampered! If you don't give some rules, how can the child turn back? With food, drink, and games to recharge, who wants to go back to school to learn and suffer? Isn't this raising "giant babies"? This story can't be!
Coincidentally, on the self-media platform, many articles and videos of "education experts", one by one, scene by scene, are even more "what to give, pampered" gnawing old tragedy, interpreting it miserably and shuddering——
A young man in his twenties, with ups and downs in his studies, he does not go out, does not work, has been at home for many years to reach for food and open his mouth, either sleeping with his head covered, or playing games on the Internet, slightly unsatisfactory, and yelling at his parents... The parents couldn't bear it anymore, picked up the stick, and wanted to smash their son to death...
Graduate students and doctoral students in their thirties, frustrated job searches, do not fall in love, do not get married, close the door tightly every day, either crazy online shopping, or calculate their parents' family property, snub a little, and scold their parents for "rolling"... Parents want to cry without tears: pampering children, ruining our home...
Seventeen or eighteen-year-old girl, the interpersonal relationship is not smooth, so she does not wash her face, does not brush her teeth, lies flat and rotten in the bedroom every day, unkempt, either crazy brushing TikTok, or crazy outside, every third and fifth still grievances and crying, looking for death and life, the room even makes a mountain of garbage, stench... Parents hugged each other and cried: children are so lazy, they all complain that we condone us from childhood...
One Forest is a family education institution featuring adolescent counseling.
In our daily work, we often encounter this situation: when treating children who are "lying flat and rotten", "serious problems", and "depression and anxiety", many parents can smoothly accept it in the study of psychology and educational theory. But when performing child healing, in the process of unconditionally accepting and loving the child unconditionally, the heart cannot control the fear and anxiety: I am always worried that I will spoil the child! As a result, the healing effect is greatly reduced, and the child's situation is also repeated.
It is true that the parenting concepts of "no rules and no square circle", "habitual children are like killing children" and "sticks out of filial piety" are the "essence" of our thousands of years of traditional education.
So, is that really the case? If you want to give anything, a normal child in a normal family will inevitably be addicted to games, degenerate and gnaw the old, evade exploration, and fight learning?
This concept must first be changed.
A friend has a vegetable field in the Yellow River beach on the outskirts, often grows sweet potatoes, and dugs a sweet potato cellar 2 meters deep. Three years ago, due to the pandemic, the vegetable plot was left unused and the sweet potato cellar was abandoned. After the epidemic ended this spring, friends planted sweet potatoes in the vegetable field and reopened the sweet potato cellar a few days ago. Inadvertently, he found that a fist-sized sweet potato left 2 meters deep in the ground actually gave birth to a 1.8-meter-long shoot! There is still 20 cm left to show the ground!
What is the power that makes a young shoot, fighting in the dark for three years, grow taller than an adult?
Think again: in the process of forming a new life, hundreds of millions of sperm scramble to swim forward, and only the strongest have a chance to combine with the egg. Where does their "positivity" and "positive energy" come from?
Also, what child enters elementary school that is not carrying a schoolbag with great interest, not full of infinite fascination for the future?
Scientific experiments have also long proved that any life wants to be the best version of itself!
So, why does the child then lie flat and rotten, fall into Internet addiction, or even self-harm and commit suicide, giving up on himself? Like a bird that gave up its life, curled up in a branch or a corner, at the mercy of heaven and earth... There is only one answer, and that is: pain and pain! The only source of pain and illness is self-supporters or educators!
In addition to deliberately abandoning the child or helplessly separating, the child staying behind, etc., parents clearly love their children, how can they hurt their children? This is because parents or teachers also have pain in the subconscious, as well as personality disorders, including anxiety, grievances, stress, fear and other negative emotions, insecurity.
As a professional family education institution focusing on the complex psychological problems of adolescents, we believe that, in general, these negative psychological energy and insecurities come from society or from major event stimuli, but more importantly, they are from the harm and influence of the original family.
To alleviate the pain of these psychological negative energy and uneasy security, parents, including teachers, will instinctively have a desire to control their children when they are not aware of themselves and lack of cognition, trying to make their children become what they want, trying to let their children do things according to their own hopes, and under the guise of "all for your good".
Common means of control over children are: scolding, criticism, threats, disgust, complaints, nagging, sarcasm, sarcasm, and even cold violence.
There is also a class of control means, which are more hidden. That is: agency, fawning and luring! agency, incapacitating the child; Flattering and luring is a transaction, and the child does not feel love.
Either way, it is difficult for the controlled child to be himself, and naturally it is impossible to become the best version of himself.
Children who are controlled by "agency, currying favor and lure", unconsciously lose their abilities, unknowingly bind themselves to the spiritual life of their parents, and are miserably judged in the "moral court", and in the end can only "fall willingly, lose their conscience", become "giant babies", become dependent personalities, become "anxiety", "depression", "obsessive-compulsive disorder", "bipolar disorder" patients... There are psychologists in China who say that "all diseases originate from unseparation", which is also the truth here.
Any life wants to be the best version of itself! Pampered and habitual, the essence is conditional love, the essence is the parents' lack of security, strong control, binding the child's personality, depriving the child of self-reliance, careful covering, ingenious packaging!
To heal children, parents must first change their concepts, be aware of themselves, and heal themselves.
For more details or help on adolescent psychological problems, please pay attention to a forest family education.