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At 6:00 a.m. on May 10, the day after Mother's Day, a mother's Weibo was pushed to the top of the Weibo hot search.
"Today is Mother's Day, my son said Happy Mother's Day to me before he returned to school", "(In the evening) I received a notice from the school at 9 o'clock saying that my son was gone", "Son, you told my mother what happened in the Spirit of Heaven"...
The son who just said "Happy Mother's Day" and went to school happily fell to school an hour later, but he fell to his death at school, and his mother could not accept it and sent a Weibo for help.
For a time, the voices of various netizens seeking the truth swept the network.
At 2:00 a.m. yesterday, Xinhua News Agency released a detailed interview report, restoring the death of a 49 middle school student in Chengdu, and also letting the public see the long-awaited truth of the fall.
As the public security organs had previously reported, Kobayashi did commit suicide.
Continuous surveillance footage captured Kobayashi's actions before he committed suicide, from walking out of the classroom at 18:16 to falling down the building at 18:49.
From the surveillance video released by Xinhua News Agency and Chuanguan News, we can also see two details that can be used to support it:
Before committing suicide, Kobayashi ran to the pump room on the first floor of the basketball hall to cut his wrist and self-harm, and had hanging his head, shaking his brain and other actions;
▲Screenshot of the surveillance video in Chengdu 49
Source: Chuanguan News
After Kobayashi fell from the building, the police found a note in his right pants bag, which read: "Recently, I cried almost three times a week, went to the roof, and cut my wrist..."
Not only that, in the police visit and investigation, it was found that Kobayashi was not at all the sunny and cheerful look in the eyes of his parents and teachers.
Kobayashi's mother said: "The child has a cheerful personality, usually lives in school, and when he picks up the home on weekends, he usually talks and laughs, and the child is also very confident in learning and has his own plan." On the day of the incident, he also discussed with his mother where to travel during the summer vacation, although he did not do well in the last week of the incident, he also confidently said to his mother, "This is not the college entrance examination, the college entrance examination he will be good."
Kobayashi's class teacher said: "Kobayashi is a tall, sunny, shy boy. The life teacher did not say (he had) abnormalities, and the classmates did not reflect (what he had) problems. ”
In fact, in the corner where parents and teachers can't see, Kobayashi quietly cut his wrist, and even mentioned to his QQ friends last June that "thinking about the forty-ninth middle building every day, jumping to solve a thousand worries", and recently he has self-deprecated in QQ chat.
It turned out that the sunny and cheerful child had long been scarred. However, the parents and teachers were completely unaware.
Now that the deceased has passed away, I hope that Kobayashi's parents will mourn, and bystanders will no longer pursue what makes Kobayashi so sad and desperate.
But the whole thing is worth reflecting on.
Why does the child obviously have scars, but does not tell us? Why do you want to cry but smile at us?
Are we too ignorant of our children, too unconcerned about their psychological problems and negative emotions?
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The incident of the 49 middle school students in Chengdu falling from the building reminded Qinglanjun of a Golden Horse Award for Best Film - "Sunshine".
The male protagonist Ah Hao, played by Xu Guanghan, is a typical "other people's child", looks sunny and handsome, has excellent grades and works very hard, and is preparing to re-study for medical school for one year.
Be filial to your family and take the initiative to help your mother share your worries.
Have love for the kindness of classmates, and take the initiative to send the female classmates home for evening self-study.
However, it is such a child who strives to be upward and has excellent character and learning, but suddenly jumped off the building and committed suicide.
Looking at the child's fallen body, the father collapsed to the ground: "That's not Ahao..."
Why did Ahao commit suicide? The film allows us to see the truth through the way of memories.
Ah Hao's younger brother Ah He did not learn any techniques, fought outside and was beaten up, and was arrested and put in a cell.
Parents began to "favor" Ahao, telling people outside that they had only one son, and at home saying to Ahao:
"Your parents gave you all their love; your brother is not a tool, he can only rely on you; you are the hope of our whole family..."
When Ah Hao re-read, his father also specially sent him a notebook with the words "Grasp the time and grasp the direction" printed on it.
Apparently, Ahao had been overwhelmed by the excessive expectations. But no one noticed.
Before committing suicide, Ah Hao sent a text message on his mobile phone:
He wrote:
"We went to the zoo the other day, and it was so sunny that all the animals couldn't stand it, and they all managed to find a shadow to hide.
I had a vague feeling of not being able to speak clearly, and I wished that like these animals, there would be some shadows to hide. But I didn't... There was no darkness, only sunlight, twenty-four hours a day, bright and warm, and the sun shining. ”
Although Ahao is a movie character, he is the epitome of countless children.
How many parents only care about whether their children are doing well or not, but they don't care about whether their children are under pressure. Only care about the child's grades, but do not care about the child's emotions.
The child shouted a little tired, stressful, and then went back to "We are not tired at work?" It's not all about you." The child mentions a little thing that upsets him, and then persuades him to go back: "This is all a small matter, don't pay attention, you just need to concentrate on learning."
Over time, the child will only be pushed into an extremely lonely and helpless situation, allowed to be swallowed up by negative emotions, and finally end his life to relieve or escape.
As the psychologist Freud said:
Unexpressed emotions never go away. They are simply buried alive and will one day erupt in an even uglier way.
At that time, we should not cry about why the child is obviously lively and cheerful, but suddenly commits suicide? Why does the child obviously have scars, but does not tell us?
Because we don't care about the child's emotions, we don't care about the child's feelings.
Many tragedies occur not because of "not loving", but because of "selective neglect".
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Director Zhong Menghong said:
The love of parents without understanding as a premise will not make their children happy.
Deeply.
However, not all parents do not care about their children's emotional and psychological problems, and some parents say that they have always been concerned about their children's mental health problems, but they are worried that their children have emotions in adolescence. I believe that this is also the worry of many parents.
How to find out your child's negative emotions and psychological problems in time?
Pay attention to your child's abnormal behavior
If a person has something in his heart and his mood deteriorates, there must be traces in his daily life. The most obvious sign of this is that the child behaves differently than usual.
For example, children usually like to play with a certain classmate, but today when they mention a classmate, they suddenly lose their temper.
Usually I like to play games for ten minutes after school, but today I sleep behind closed doors.
Usually, I can write homework in an hour, but today I wrote in my room for 3 hours.
Once a mother found that her daughter usually likes to wear a certain dress, but recently said that she can't wear it, it's not good- After communicating with the child, I found that the child was ostracized by his classmates because the dress was too good-looking. Fortunately, she found it in time, helped the child channel emotions, guided the child how to face the exclusion, and avoided the situation where the child was isolated and bullied.
Look for a relaxing time to be alone with your kids
According to the laws of psychology, adolescent children gradually change from children to adults, have a strong sense of self, and often hope that they can solve problems instead of seeking help from their parents.
Therefore, many children tend to be more closed in puberty. This requires parents to find a relaxing time to be alone with their children, and then slowly enter the child's heart.
This May Day holiday, a friend made a cool decision to hike in Lijiang with his son. He confessed that on the way to hiking, and what the child said, five days exceeded the past three years.
It was during this hike that he learned that his son was in a very bad mood for a while in junior high school, because he transferred to a new class, and the classmates in the class had good grades, and he was a bit unable to keep up.
After returning home, the child did not talk to his parents, but often lost his temper for no reason, and at that time, his parents also said that he was unreasonable, his grades could not keep up, and he did not study hard. Fortunately, the child's psychological quality is OK, and he has not made extreme behaviors because of this.
It seems that we spend time with children, but we find that we don't know children at all. Always talk about learning and learning, but forget to chat with your child easily and understand your child's true thoughts.
Respect and trust children, and establish a parent-child relationship of mutual trust
Psychologist Wu Zhihong once said:
Seeing is love.
"Seeing a child, that is, talking to the child with an equal attitude, can slowly enter the child's heart, understand what he thinks every day, and know what he wants."
If parents treat their children as friends from an early age, respect and trust their children in everything, discuss and communicate with their children on any decision, and believe that children who grow up in this family environment will communicate with their parents in case of trouble, rather than swallowing in the stomach.
Yuan Yongyi once broke the news that her son hated her for a while and was unwilling to tell her anything, so she was very worried.
I went to see a psychiatrist and found that I was too strong. If the son wants to do something, as long as she feels that it is not good, she will directly refuse. If her son did something wrong, she wouldn't even listen to half a sentence of explanation and would punish her directly. Eventually the child became more and more disgusted with her.
Later, Yuan Yongyi made a change, from a strong mother to a mother who knows how to respect her children.
Before doing everything, she will first ask her son for advice, whether he likes it or not, and listen carefully to the reasons why his son likes or dislikes it. After her son did something wrong, she would not come up and punish her, but first listen to her son's explanation, and then analyze the right and wrong for her son.
Slowly, the relationship between mother and child was reconciled as before. The child will gradually tell Yuan Yongyi about things.
Huang Lei said:
"The scariest thing is not what the child is doing outside, it's that you don't know what he's doing outside. It doesn't matter what he does, he won't tell you, the most important thing. ”
The greatest success of parenthood is that when the child grows up, what happens, he will still think of you and choose to tell you.
Home is the eternal haven for children, and parents are a wall between children and death.
Let us all strive to learn to be parents who respect and understand their children, and let the children have negative emotions to talk to us.
Let us all strive to change our parenting attitudes, be parents whose mental health is more important than academic performance, and timely discover and guide children's psychological problems, so that children can grow up healthy and happy.
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I am Qinglan Jun, an educator who focuses on family education and children's learning. If you like my article please forward or bookmark. The Qinglan Parent Zone, where millions of parents of primary and secondary school students gather, makes education more scientific and easier.