Couples under the trees, couples sweethearts under the tree
"I found you in the vast sea of people, and now I am putting you back into the sea of people." It's hard, but it's the way to go. ”
In Duras's Lover's book there is this passage:
"I know you and will always remember you. You were very young then, and everyone said you were beautiful; now I have come to tell you that for me I think you are more beautiful now than you were when you were younger; I prefer your battered face now to the face you were then."
………
An encounter in youth, a brief encounter and love, and finally separation.
And such a love has spread the lives of two people.
Decades later, the man dialed the heroine's phone and still loved the heroine, so there was the classic line above.
A lot of times in reality it's the same way, you think you're in love with someone, the two of you have established a relationship and come together.
Life is happy, full of romance, and you think that's forever.
But suddenly one day you find that the two of you have to make a choice between marriage and love, obviously love each other, but you can't be with each other anyway.
So they broke up, each entered a new life, and entered a long and difficult stage of forgetting each other.
But no matter how much you hide that you have forgotten, it is still difficult to change your heart, only you know: I still love the person who can't be together.
Breaking up is a very heavy topic, as heavy as the winter weather, the cold wind is strong, and there is a bone-chilling chill blowing on your body.
Having truly loved someone, how should I handle my relationship with my ex after a breakup? Usually there are at least three stages to go through.
01
The first stage is the sensitive period.
There are generally three situations for breakups:
The first is that the two parties still have feelings, because of practical reasons, the two places are separated or the parents oppose and separate.
The second is the wrong mode of getting along, which leads to the long-term accumulation of dislike for each other and breakup.
The third is that two people have no feelings before they are separated, and the breakup is just a formality.
After the breakup, the first two will generally hurt each other more.
In the face of harm, people tend to provoke an instinctive response of self-protection.
At this time, any information related to the ex will also become the source of emotional reactions.
The deeper the injury, the more sensitive it will be to the information associated with it.
It's as if the departure of an ex leaves a deep black hole in life that requires great care to avoid falling into that black hole.
Like what:
A woman is divorced because the other party is cheating.
They had a child, but even then there was no way to repair her relationship with her ex-husband, which became a trauma to her.
After the divorce, she blocked her ex-husband's contact information.
Former mutual friends, basically do not interact.
Even when she met a former friend, she would tell them, "Don't mention him, I don't want to know about him." ”
In fact, she didn't want to hear from the other party, more worried that she couldn't bear the pain of the past.
Fear of recalling the fear, anger, and sadness of the past will make her whole person anxious.
Maybe a lot of people won't be as sensitive as she is, but this sensitivity to an ex is still very common.
Sensitive reactions also have deeper psychological effects.
Unlike other traumas, what makes relationship trauma special is that the person who once hurt you is also the person you loved, and may even be, the person you love.
This brings about various complex emotions such as grievance, unwillingness, attachment, and loss, and these emotions will remain in the heart and continue to ferment.
So how do you get out of the sensitive period?
This requires extending the world beyond feelings.
In an intimate relationship, the other party occupies a lot of space, and after separation, this space becomes a kind of black hole.
You need to expand your own new space to make this black hole smaller.
For example, during that time, you can start making more new friends, trying a lot of new things, and keep moving forward.
For example, put all your energy into your career.
Slowly, establish relationships and careers outside of marriage into the direction of your own energy.
Intimacy is the spiritual backbone of many people.
The key to getting out of the pain is to be able to develop other spiritual pillars that can support themselves in addition to the intimate relationship.
02
Over time, if it goes well, your relationship with your ex will enter the second phase: the strange period.
At this stage, the black hole left by the ex's departure has been made up by work, family, friendship, or new emotions.
At this time, you are basically used to the life mode without an ex, and the ex is not very able to stir up waves in your heart.
For example, the woman mentioned above, after three years, because her parents needed to join the WeChat group because of the child's school requirements, she needed to contact her ex-husband, which was also the first time she contacted the other party.
At that time, she was not so sensitive to her ex-husband, although she still had some residual palpitations in her heart, but for the sake of the child, she plucked up the courage to contact the other party.
Hearing the "Hello" on the other end of the phone, I found that I was not as excited as I thought, but there was a strange feeling of being in a trance.
This strangeness shows that the feelings of her ex in her heart are slowly fading.
The person who was once the most special has become an ordinary person again.
At that time, she realized that she really didn't love anymore.
For most partners who break up, the strange period is the final attribution of the relationship between two people.
Since then, it has been like a strange road, forgetting each other in the rivers and lakes.
03
However, there are also some people who need to develop new relationships with their ex because of their children or work.
At this time, we have entered the third stage.
At this new stage, two people can rediscover a new relationship model.
You will no longer get along as you used to, but will cooperate in a new capacity.
For example, the above woman for the sake of children, sometimes she needs to do some cooperation with the ex, so they will add WeChat back.
Usually, when the child lives at the grandmother's house, three days a week, she will pick up the child, and the other time the ex will pick up the child.
Occasionally, she would ask her ex about the child's situation in the other person's home, and when she asked this, she would communicate completely as the child's mother.
From sensitivity to strangeness to new relationships, in such a process, those former pains are no longer so important, and two people can start their own new lives.
Two people don't love, is this a successful separation?
This is not easy to define, maybe life is not so much success.
As Rickle once said, "Where there is any victory to speak of, holding on means everything." "After experiencing separation, people will find that it is more important to keep life going than anything else.
Not to mention that intimacy is not the whole of life.
In intimate relationships, people also need to develop a life outside of relationships, such as hobbies, jobs, friends, and the construction of the spiritual world.
And after separation, the way we find out may not necessarily be to have an intimate relationship again, but more to self-development and the pursuit of freedom.
After love and hate, you will find that sometimes all we want is a decent.
We all say that the breakup should be decent, but we will be confused about how to deal with the relationship with the ex to be decent, these three ways of dealing with it may vary from person to person, but it is also the best state.
From the moment you propose a breakup, to the beginning of your next relationship, it's all a life experience.