At what moment after the breakup did you think of your ex?
Do you regret that some words should have been said earlier?
I believe that there are boys and girls who have come to this question, and whatever purpose you have, I hope you will read this article well.
Because this article will tell you from two perspectives:
I'm a girl, I mentioned the breakup myself, is there still a chance to get back together?
I'm a guy, my girlfriend mentioned breaking up, is there a chance to get back together?
No matter what type of type you are, we need to understand first: why do girls propose to break up?
Here I listed the typical psychological behavior of three girls when they broke up, to see what a boy did to make such a desperate word as "break up" come out of a girl's mouth:
1. What does it mean for a girl to say to you when she breaks up, "I'm disappointed in you"?
2. Why do girls suddenly become desperate when they break up?
3. Why didn't the girl delete her friends when she broke up, but she never contacted you?
1) What does it mean to say to you when a girl breaks up, "I'm disappointed in you"?
I have seen Xu Zidong's view on the "Round Table Sect" before: "In our society, women cheating is 'difficult' than male cheating, the requirements are 'high', the cost is 'big', and the punishment mechanism is different. It's all cheating, men may be more likely to be forgiven, girls cheating, may really be "looking for a home", is really eager to find a better person than the current one.
Of course, cheating is shameful, but I want to use this example to illustrate:
If a girl mentions a breakup, then she must feel that you can no longer meet her needs, whether it is a sense of security or belonging.
These are reflected in the details of life, they are cats, have a keen sense of smell, and can judge whether you are worthy of trust from the details of life.
When you're addicted to games all day, she may deduce that you're not a very motivated person; when you often ignore her calls to urge you to go home, she will feel that you don't care about home;
When these disappointments accumulate, it only takes a small flashpoint to become the last straw that crushes the camel.
This straw may be a word of disgust on your part, or it may be a small neglect of her.
2) Why do girls suddenly become desperate when they break up?
There are two reasons for this:
1) Constantly reinforce the right decision to break up
2) Vent your strong emotions and punish you
Under normal circumstances, girls will have the idea of compounding after breaking up, even if you are impossible, she will at least keep your contact information, because she wants to retain their dignity and want to leave some dignity at the end.
So why would she change her previous meekness and thoughtfulness, treat you coldly, and even be cold and violent to you.
On the one hand, because she now has a strong desire to protect herself, she is afraid of repeating the same mistakes, why should she give herself the opportunity to be stupid again?
Especially some straight men, playing the emotional card with girls, saying that they have experienced various temptations, still think she is good, and want to continue to be with her. The girl will be more determined, you are still approaching her with a purpose, you are still cheating on her, you will still hurt her. She will run away.
On the other hand, if you do something that contradicts her bottom line, such as insulting or emotional abuse, then she is now using desperation to punish you.
You think that smoking is nothing, how can they women understand that smoking can dissolve men's troubles, but she told you many times that you still don't listen, and even have no reaction at all, then she will feel that you don't take her seriously.
And don't look at women's stronger binding force on self-morality, usually do not release negative emotions, just think that they will always be tolerant and give in.
Because as soon as you break up, the sleeping beast in her body will be awakened, and how sad you make her, she will make you blame yourself.
She, who has always been in a low position before, now wants to occupy a psychological high position: you cold violence against me before, then I will coldly violent you, and counter violence with violence.
So when she has absolute affection for you, it is recommended that you first think about why she would do this, instead of smoking 45 corners and looking up at the sky and doubting life.
3) Why didn't the girl delete her friends when she broke up, but never contact you?
First ask the boys a question, since it is the norm for girls not to delete friends after breaking up, then she never contacts you, how to explain this?
Aren't guys very good at critical thinking, don't you understand?
Don't delete it because she hasn't pulled it out of the relationship yet; it's precisely because she doesn't contact you because she wants to pull it out of the relationship.
(This does not include cases where both parties have made fatal moral mistakes, such as: infidelity, domestic violence, which is another story)
Girls do not take the initiative to contact you because they do not show their strong emotions, which is a natural habit, and the impression of "ladylike" that you usually form is the "weapon and armor" they have learned in this patriarchal society.
Especially avoidant girls, in fact, "cold and alienated" is their background.
Because for girls, having strong emotions after a breakup means that they are out of control, and they will subconsciously choose to suppress it.
But I also said that girls will not withdraw so quickly after the breakup, or don't say girls, a normal person can not do a quick full body retreat, but for girls, taking the initiative to come to the door is comparable to social death.
She may have been waiting for you to come to her, which is also her inherent thinking and habits: shouldn't the boy take the initiative, the boy should be the leader, he should take the initiative to repair the relationship.
OK, not poor, whether you are a boy or a girl, the search for this problem must be to solve a problem: can we still be together?
No hurry, I am a person who pays attention to gender equality, I will tell you from the perspective of "boys" and "girls", how to solve this problem.
Let's talk about male compatriots first, female compatriots can also see if the following is your mental activity.
Q1: Boy's perspective: What if a girl breaks up?
If you are a boy, because the girl mentioned the breakup, you feel that you have lost face, lost the self-esteem of the man, and then have to stalk, then this will make her hate you even more.
You will retort:
"No, I'm dissecting her heart."
"If I don't do anything, she will think I don't love her, right?"
"I'm stalking, I'm just chatting."
Isn't it very much like your mental activity? Come and wake you up: you're the typical male perspective! I understand brother that you want to touch each other with your sincerity, but the truth is that you are just moving yourself.
In the eyes of a girl, you do this without considering her feelings at all, what does she think, does it matter? You also don't care about her thoughts at all, you just talk about yourself, sing your own, you are still so childish, so selfish;
And she will also feel that you have not faced your own problems at all, you have said so much, it seems to be apologizing, in fact, it is not your means to coax the girl, even if you promise your compound, you will still sing in the old drama and sing in the future, and the old and sick will repeat the crime!
So what do guys do? The key is for you to get rid of the male mind and cater to the female perspective!
There are two main points:
Don't force, don't force
Make up for your girlfriend's emotional needs
1, do not force, do not force
Here are the main three steps:
1) Do not amplify your emotions
2) Create a comfort zone
3) Build attachment again
Before you start an emotional offensive against her, you must show her your respect and understanding for her, don't appear in front of her 24 hours a day, "good morning" and "good night" are never absent, and the girl did not say that you harassed it.
What do real masters do? I don't show up, you think for yourself, and I don't bother you.
Because for the girl, it is to give her a sense of security and create a comfort zone for her. The strong offensive that you start from the beginning, like a leather ball, bouncing heavily on the wall of the hard state, will definitely rebound, but if it is bounced on the sponge, it will absorb and be incorporated;
And this sponge is the comfort zone, an elastic comfort zone.
But you can't do nothing but wait for her to digest it herself. You also have to communicate with her from time to time to make sure you are still gasping for breath around her, but your tone should be measured, personable, and a little manly, so that she can think of you from time to time on days without you.
It seems like a humble plea, but because of this, you secretly grasp the initiative.
2, make up for the emotional needs of the girlfriend
When you have completed the above steps, then you can say your own words to your girlfriend, but still that sentence, do not be self-moved, blindly saying that you are wrong is useless.
So how can she feel your sincerity, let her accept your giving, but also hit her pain points, let her suddenly wake up, it turns out that you are the right person?
1) Silent attention
Don't look at some girls who seem to be mature royal sisters, in fact, they still hope that there is a guardian around them, especially silently pay attention to them, no sound, no return, this is fatal, this is the romantic love she identifies.
What to do? I'll start with a very useful way to use it: follow her niche hobbies.
Because everyone knows the public's hobbies, they usually say, you know that she likes to travel, that's what it should be. But the niche is different, she did not tell a few people that she actually likes the second dimension, likes some beautiful literature, but if you find out from the clues, and then when chatting with her, hint, then you will immediately be different from others in her eyes, and you are not far from the end of returning to the position of the "main palace".
2) Make up for her emotional needs
Don't listen to the marketing number to instill women like powerful and powerful men and you really believe it, you have to take the right medicine.
Do you want to quietly make up for the emotional needs that you have previously ignored her: a sense of security? Then show her how strong you are; a sense of belonging, then express your concern for her; a sense of self-esteem? Then express your approval of her.
And the point is to express, you have to express what you know what she wants, and only you can meet her needs. Like what:
"Didn't you say before that I was very naïve, but now that I listen to you, I have entered the big factory and can provide you with a sense of security."
Isn't that the end of it? Don't think of girls as complicated, because what she desires most in essence is your love, just express your love for her correctly and firmly.
OK, the boys' part of the first here, how to do it, depends on your creation.
Let's open the girl's perspective
What if the girl mentioned the breakup and regretted it? Don't believe it, there are really girls who have mentioned breaking up but regret it.
These regrets are mainly impulsive breakups, the purpose is to let the boy see his own problems, punish and test him. Some boys didn't think much about it, and when they were upset, they responded.
After a while, you girls reacted to the seriousness of the matter, anxious, this can be done, of course, boys will also be like this, accidentally lost their girlfriends.
Don't worry, I'll make a long story short, and I'll be able to find your breakpoint in one fell swoop:
1. Get the initiative and take the initiative to contact
2. Provide positive emotional value
How?
Or do you want to ask you a question first, do you think the person who looks for the other person first after the breakup is a winner or a loser?
If the answer is the latter, congratulations, the answer is wrong.
I understand this mentality, thinking that whoever needs the other person first loses, but is this the case? Is your initiative in his eyes a concede? Not necessarily, because he is actually waiting for your explanation, wanting to hear how you feel now, if you look for him first, he will feel that you are honest.
And as long as you express it properly, it will appear that you have no other thoughts.
For example: you can like one of his circle of friends about food, directly ask him "where is this, look good, want to go", in a word, you put your question + reason + purpose are clear, now you are just a simple and cute snack, no other ideas.
And this process must not express other emotions, that is, a simple question and answer, mainly to let the other party off guard.
When you gradually become acquainted, the other party obviously begins to talk more, this time to provide him with your emotional value:
Does he have a strong desire to express himself? Then you just listen quietly and stop highlighting your presence; does he like to hear your approval? Then you praise him generously.
Gratitude, praise, these are all positive emotions, and when your emotions are conveyed, according to the principle of assimilation, he will become more and more accepting of you.
Finally, I would like to say that all the processes, all the steps, focus on repetition, patience, reinforcement, if you are halfway by the other party, feel that your self-esteem is frustrated and want to give up, it still proves that you do not love him enough.
If you love enough, what is time?
Psychological test: Test the sentence your ex most wants to say to you
1. Do you argue over small things when you're together?
Yes, I often feel tired —2
Rarely quarrel over small things—2
Occasionally, but soon reconciled —3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes to self-reflect and is willing to correct mistakes?
Yes —3
Not —4
3. Will he or she take the initiative to tell you his troubles?
It is often said that -5
Not much to say —4
4. Would you tell your parents about the process of your relationship?
Everything is too big or small, and I often complain to my parents -6
Occasionally they ask and say —5
Hardly to say, nothing to say —5
5. Faced with what you want, how much energy are you willing to put into acquiring it?
Everything follows fate, and it is mine in the end--7
Try hard, maybe you can succeed - 6
Do my best, I want to get --B
6. Did you break up because of a third party?
Yes—A
No —7
7. Did the other party take the initiative to contact you after the breakup?
Yes—D
No—C
The full version of the test questions and answers are available by private message
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="182" >I'm Yu Chen, an emotional counselor, who knows more than you think. If you have emotional confusion, you can consult private messages or comments. </h1>