Wen 丨 Qingxin Junyue
What is it like to have a controlling mother?
Watch Gu Jiayi (Haiqing) in the TV series "Zhang Weiguo's Summer" to know.
Growing up under the arrangement of his mother, his favorite things were forcibly snuffed out by his mother, but if he could not do as his mother intended, he faced either strong suppression or the trick of pretending to be ill. In short, whether it is before adulthood or after marriage, Gu Jiayi's life is full of her mother's shadow.
To a certain extent, this also lays hidden dangers for the tragic marriage between Gu Jiayi and Lin Hongnian (Liu Yijun).
Zhou Xiaoqiu, who has a strong desire to control
How strong is Zhou Xiaoqiu's desire to control her daughter? Three details in the play say it all.
The first detail: forcing Gu Jiayi to study medicine
Gu Jiayi's biggest regret in this life is that she did not choose the dance she loved.
For this reason, she has always thought that she is not happy or happy. As she said to her mother Zhou Xiaoqiu in the play:
"I haven't been happy since you didn't let me dance. My favorite thing to do, my mom objected, where I was happy
But in the eyes of her mother Zhou Xiaoqiu, she was very glad that she forced Gu Jiayi to study medicine, otherwise Gu Jiayi would not have such a stable job as a doctor now.
In her view, girls should choose a stable career, such as teachers, doctors, civil servants, etc. As for dancing or something, it belongs to non-doing.
Therefore, Zhou Xiaoqiu did not hesitate to use tough means to force Gu Jiayi to give up dancing.
The second detail: Cha Gang
When Gu Jiayi carried Zhou Xiaoqiu to send her daughter Gu Lin to Beijing, she had just asked for leave with the unit on her front foot, and Zhou Xiaoqiu got the news of the leave on her back foot.
What does this mean?
It shows that Zhou Xiaoqiu will check Gu Jiayi's work almost every day, and there are contact information of colleagues in her unit, and only by meeting this condition can she know so quickly that Gu Jiayi has taken leave.
You know, Gu Jiayi has entered middle age and has already formed her own family, but Zhou Xiaoqiu's control over her has not been reduced by half a point, which shows how terrible Zhou Xiaoqiu's desire to control is.
Third detail: oranges
When Gu Jiayi and Gu Lin had just settled down in Beijing, Zhou Xiaoqiu followed. In her heart, no matter how old Gu Jiayi is, she is still a child, and she is not assured that her daughter and granddaughter are out of her control.
That night, the three grandchildren lived in the same suite, and Zhou Xiaoqiu's next move once again proved her strength and control.
Watching my daughter and granddaughter one busy in front of the computer, the other in bed looking at the phone. Zhou Xiaoqiu first took an orange to his granddaughter, and after Gu Lin said that he did not want to eat it, Zhou Xiaoqiu handed it to Gu Lin on the grounds that it had been peeled, and Gu Lin, who was embarrassed to refuse, helplessly ate the orange.
Satisfied, Zhou Xiaoqiu took an orange and sent it to her daughter Gu Jiayi, and after being rejected by Gu Jiayi, Zhou Xiaoqiu did not die, but took a step back and said that she did not want to eat oranges, then eat an apple, and then eat a cucumber.
Then he ignored Gu Jiayi's roar, "Why do you have to force people to eat?" Turned and went to wash the cucumbers.
In a word, if I let you eat, you have to eat, and if you don't eat oranges, you have to eat something else.
This is Gu Jiayi's mother, Zhou Xiaoqiu, a strong mother who must be obeyed as long as she is determined, whether others want to or not.
There is a sentence in the play:
"I tell you, as long as I'm alive, you'll have to listen to me, and I'll be in charge of this family."
This is what Zhou Xiaoqiu and Gu Jiayi said when they quarreled about whether Gu Lin should learn to paint or not.
Faced with a daughter who wanted to get rid of her control, Zhou Xiaoqiu swore a strong oath of sovereignty. She could not accept Gu Jiayi, who was always obedient, against her own will, and even more could not accept, Gu Jiayi ignored her opposition and supported her granddaughter Gu Lin to learn to paint.
In her view, this is not only a challenge to her authority, but also a denial of her right to speak.
Of course, Zhou Xiaoqiu is not only strong in this move, when the tough attitude can not achieve the goal, Zhou Xiaoqiu will adopt other tactics, using the trick of pretending to be sick and can't stand the stimulation to pinch Gu Jiayi, so as to make him soft.
In Zhou Xiaoqiu's cognition, like many parents in reality, she believes that everything she does is for the good of her children. Because of this premise, they will unscrupulously control and intervene in their children.
As for the choice and independent personality of children, they must also give in to their ideas.
However, Zhou Xiaoqiu never realized that her extremely strong desire to control had brought something to Gu Jiayi.
Gu Jiayi, who was deeply affected
"I've been in your house for so many years, do I have something to be sorry for you?" Is there a place to be sorry for your mother? Wherever I go, I can pat my chest and say, I'm not ashamed. But what have I got, I still don't have my own flesh and blood, I recognize a Gu Lin, I have to follow your surname, are you such a bully? ”
This is what Lin Hongnian (Liu Yijun) said to his wife Gu Jiayi when he was unemployed.
In Lin Hongnian's mind, if it were not for Gu Jiayi's need to go to the unit to make trouble, he would not have been forced to leave his job at all. For a middle-aged man who is nearly fifty years old, how big the blow of unemployment is, you can imagine.
However, Gu Jiayi, who learned of the situation, was indifferent throughout the whole process, without even the most basic apologies and comforts, and even felt that all this was Lin Hongnian's self-inflicted guilt, which made Lin Hongnian's inner anger to the extreme.
In the marriage relationship between Gu Jiayi and Lin Hongnian, you will find that Gu Jiayi has always maintained a high posture of the superior, and everything in the family is told to Lin Hongnian in the form of a notice, and Lin Hongnian's opinion is never consulted, and joint consultation is even more non-existent.
This kind of married life without status, no right to speak, and not respected has made Lin Hongnian dissatisfied in his heart, which is also one of the reasons for the crisis in the marriage between the two.
Gu Jiayi's strength and dictatorship stemmed from the influence of her mother, Zhou Xiaoqiu.
On the one hand, Gu Jiayi's personality inherits her mother's strength, which makes her only accept to occupy a dominant position in the marriage relationship, and she hopes that Lin Hongnian will obey her and let her, but if it does not meet her psychological expectations, then it is easy for conflicts between the two to break out.
On the other hand, Gu Jiayi's personality has a strong sense of resistance, which is reflected in the dictatorship of the marriage relationship.
Gu Jiayi was fed up with her mother's control, so that she could not live as she wished. This made Gu Jiayi's heart breed a strong sense of resistance. However, the mother's strength and control are not something she can get rid of at once, and as a daughter, she must consider her mother's feelings.
In this case, Gu Jiayi chose to find a sense of balance in the marriage. In order to prove that she had independent decision-making power, Lin Hongnian was not allowed to participate in all her decisions. Even if it involves the overall interests of the family and the future of her children, she is still accustomed to making her own decisions, rather than communicating with Lin Hongnian.
Whether it was quitting his job or arranging for Gu Lin to go to Beijing to learn painting, Lin Hongnian was the one who was informed.
Only with absolute decision-making power in marriage can Gu Jiayi feel that she is an independent individual, not a vassal of her mother, and only in this way can her heart obtain a certain satisfaction and balance.
This is like Lin Hongnian, who has never had the right to speak in marriage, who has shown extraordinary self and strength in the work of the outside world, all in order to find the missing sense of existence and balance.
However, Gu Jiayi did not think that in a marriage relationship, independent thinking and personality should exist, but this does not mean dictatorship.
Marriage is a contract of voluntary union of two individuals, and at the moment when the contract takes effect, it means that although two people have independent personalities, they also need to respect each other's wishes, or communicate and negotiate on issues that arise, rather than arbitrarily deciding everything.
At the same time, when necessary, as members of the family, both parties need to make certain concessions for the interests and direction of the marriage and family as a whole.
Only in this way can the contract in the form of marriage be stable and long-lasting.
Lin Hongnian, who pleases his mother-in-law
From the play, we can know that Lin Hongnian became the son-in-law of the Gu family in the way of entering the family.
Lin Hongnian is an orphan, when he was young, he recognized Zhang Weiguo's (Huang Lei) father as a dry father, and studied with Zhang Weiguo in the drama school. When he was in his twenties, Lin Hongnian came to Nanjing from Beijing, accidentally met and fell in love with Gu Jiayi, and has stayed in Nanjing ever since.
However, from the beginning of marriage, quarrelling has become the norm of Lin Hongnian and Gu Jiayi's married life.
Because he was admitted to the Gu family, coupled with Gu Jiayi's personality, Lin Hongnian has been in a weak state at home. He could not influence Gu Jiayi's thoughts, let alone participate in family decision-making, and it seemed that the only role was to make money to support the family.
In this case, Lin Hongnian needs a supporter and identity to guarantee his rights and status.
Therefore, he chose his mother-in-law Zhou Xiaoqiu, who was more powerful than Gu Jiayi. In order to be able to unite his mother-in-law and himself, Lin Hongnian was almost obedient to Zhou Xiaoqiu's orders and flattered everywhere.
In his heart, Zhou Xiaoqiu could decide everything about Gu Jiayi, even if Gu Jiayi was unwilling, as long as Zhou Xiaoqiu came out, there was also the possibility of reversing the situation. That is to say, Zhou Xiaoqiu became a chip in the game between Lin Hongnian and Gu Jiayi.
Just like in the play, he did not agree to let Gu Jiayi resign to work in Beijing, but he knew that he could not convince Gu Jiayi, so he proposed to join forces with Zhou Xiaoqiu to stop Gu Jiayi:
"Mom, I think you go with me, and what we say to her together has a better chance of winning."
In fact, in the marriage between Lin Hongnian and Gu Jiayi, Gu Jiayi has problems, and Lin Hongnian also has problems.
Just imagine, the strong mother-in-law Lin Hongnian can handle it, why can't the strong wife?
If he could apply the patience and care he had for his mother-in-law Zhou Xiaoqiu to his wife Gu Jiayi, then the feelings between them might not have come to this point.
Perhaps it is only because Gu Jiayi can be left and right through Zhou Xiaoqiu, because the mother-in-law can be the head of the whole family, so Lin Hongnian will put the patience and attention to his wife on the mother-in-law, after all, this can also achieve the expected purpose.
This is Lin Hongnian's biggest problem, and it is also the drawback brought about by Zhou Xiaoqiu's intervention and control of Gu Jiayi's life.
Write at the end
From a certain point of view, I can understand Zhou Xiaoqiu's desire to control Gu Jiayi, because I really believe that everything she does is out of love for her children, and she hopes that her daughter will not take a detour and not be trapped in life.
However, as parents, you need to recognize the fact that parents cannot take care of their children for a lifetime. They will one day need to face the world alone. Instead of always taking control of their life trajectory, exercise their ability to face risks and difficulties.
Flowers in the greenhouse, once they lose artificial care, end up withering or dying; The flowers and trees in nature, even if no one fertilizes and waters, can still experience wind and frost and rain and bloom to the sun.
Qingxin Junyue, an emotional observer, ta said book critic, film critic. Warm you, me with words.