Many years later, Lin Ya still felt a chill in her mother's eyes when she recalled it.
Contempt, contempt, a mother to her own child.
Lin Ya found it difficult to understand.
01
On National Day, Lin Ya and her boyfriend Jiang Chuan were about to get engaged, but her mother returned to her mother's house, and Lin Ya felt that her mother was a bit excessive, but she did not blame.
After all, the mother seems to have done something more confusing than this.
Jiang Chuan was a little nervous, and Lin Ya's father rushed up to explain that Lin Ya's grandmother was uncomfortable, but only Lin Ya herself knew that the relationship between her mother and grandmother was not good.
Lin Ya's grandfather died in a car accident, her grandmother had a difficult life with her mother and uncle, and her mother's dancing dreams were also banished, and the carton factory in the town was pasted with cartons.
Until someone introduced his father to his mother, the father was stupid and not good at words, but the family was really rich, the father would work as a carpenter, the newlyweds in the eight villages of ten miles were beaten by the father, and the grandparents raised dozens of pigs.
Before marrying her father, her mother had a lover of green plum bamboo horses in the village, but at that time everyone's life was miserable, and the lover of the mother's green plum bamboo horse married the daughter of the head of the county song and dance troupe.
My mother was married about the same month as the man.
The father knew that he was not worthy of his mother, so he was particularly kind to his mother, and even vacated the largest room in the family for his mother as a dance studio.
02
When Lin Ya's uncle got married, her mother did not go, and later her grandmother came to see her mother, but she was also turned away by her mother.
Of course, these were all mentioned later when Lin Ya heard her father mention it.
However, the father's tolerance and thoughtfulness did not exchange for the mother's smiling face, the mother began to toss harder, and the mother at the dinner table would put the rice bowl upside down on the table on the spot because the rice made by the grandmother was not tasteful.
When my aunt came to see my grandmother, she would put on a stinky face and even push the bicycle out.
But the father did not care about these things, because the father really liked the mother, and believed that he could warm the cold heart of the mother.
It wasn't until the spring of 1995 that my mother's former lover divorced, and my mother put on her former dress and danced in the dance studio that my father had renovated.
The father was a little moved, the brothers who married at the same time as Lin Ya's father had children, and the grandmother did not mention in the father's ear that you should have a child.
My father always said that he was not in a hurry, he was still young, and his grandmother was no longer attached.
It wasn't until the fall of that year that my mother had her first pregnancy reaction at the dinner table.
03
The mother said that she was going to beat the fetus, and at that time the abortion was not like the current advertisement, painless abortion, and you were relaxed.
The father even knelt down and begged the mother to leave the child.
Her mother was still very determined, because her lover told her that he was going to set up a dance training class and hoped that her mother could come and be a teacher.
Finally, Lin Ya's father went to ask her grandmother, who talked to Lin Ya's mother for a long time in the room that day.
When Grandma left, my mother lay on the bed and cried for a long time, but since then, my mother has not mentioned the abortion again.
It's just that the mother is obsessed with alcoholism and smoking, and she doesn't get up in the daytime, and the grandmother regrets that she shouldn't let her father marry her mother in the first place.
In the middle of pregnancy, the father took the mother to the hospital for examination, and the doctor warned the mother not to drink and smoke anymore, and the mother did not think so.
It was the first time my father had the idea of backing down.
Sitting on the edge of the bed and saying to the mother, "When this child is born, if you want to leave, I will give you a sum of money, and we will divorce you." ”
Since then, my father has worked day and night to make cabinets and furniture.
My mother suddenly settled down, stopped smoking and drinking, and even occasionally helped make lunch.
When the women in the village chat, they all envy their mothers, in-laws are sympathetic, and their husbands can earn money, which is probably the best state in life.
04
Lin Ya was born in the hospital, and the women in the village left the hospital a few days after giving birth to a child and went home to recuperate.
Lin Ya had been in the hospital for a long time, and her appearance was better than that of other women.
The father knew that his mother cared about his body, and he made fat-reducing nutritious meals for his mother to eat every day.
Lin Ya weaned earlier than the average child, because feeding was very painful, and Lin Ya's father was reluctant to suffer from his mother.
There are already many brands that can be selected for milk powder, and Grandma does not insist on it.
The mother no longer mentioned the divorce, but she looked like she didn't care about Lin Ya.
It also happened in that year, the grandparents raised piglets, according to the popular saying now, to sterilize the piglets.
The vet from the town was invited, and it was an old man.
At noon, the piglets were neutered, the grandparents were busy rubbing medicine and feeding the pigs, and the father was busy preparing lunch.
The old man was a habitual criminal who liked young children, watching the whole family busy, holding his hands up and down to Lin Ya, and even burying his head between Lin Ya's legs.
When Lin Ya was not about 5 or 6 years old, she didn't understand that it was indecent, only to tease her, and her mother was still standing outside the door silently watching everything happen.
05
The old man repeated the trick in someone else's house, and as a result, he was arrested by the family on the spot, taught a lesson by the family, and reported to the police.
People don't remember the events of their childhood very deeply, and things seem to have been forgotten in the years.
Lin Ya's sister was born, lin ya's mother seems to have confessed her fate and no longer tossed, and when Lin Ya's mother was pregnant with her sister, she even watched parenting books and TV shows.
Lin Ya grew up because her father and grandparents gave enough love, or grew up healthy and happy.
Until that time, Lin Ya took a small toy to coax her sister in the cradle to play, and the doll toy accidentally fell on her sister's face, and her sister cried.
The mother rushed out of the back room, slapped Lin Ya, and pushed her to the ground.
Dad quickly picked up Lin Ya and said it was okay, at that time Lin Ya had just entered the first grade of primary school, and her eyes were sluggish as she looked at her mother and did not dare to cry, but the frame of her eyes was full of tears.
Lin Ya still likes her mother and sister very much, there is pilaf at school at noon, Lin Ya thinks it is delicious and uses a small handkerchief to bring back the meat and raisins inside for her sister to eat.
The mother was disgusted and even said that she would not let her sister Lin Xin eat it.
Lin Ya heard from her classmates at school that her parents like obedient, well-studied, hard-working children.
Therefore, Lin Ya's grades have always been the top three in the class, and she is also the most industrious and obedient child in the class, but her mother still does not like Lin Ya.
My father couldn't bear to let my mother not do this.
Lin Ya comforted her father, saying that she was still not doing well enough, and her father secretly wiped his tears.
06
Lin Ya, the first case came to dirty pants, the female school doctor patiently told Lin Ya how to use hygiene products, Lin Ya actually cried, the school doctor only when it was Lin Ya a little girl was not embarrassed and shy.
The female school doctor touched Lin Ya's head and told her that this was a normal physiological phenomenon, and did not feel embarrassed, but Lin Ya hugged the female school doctor.
Lin Ya seemed to have never felt this warmth in so many years.
Lin Ya and her mother said that she had come to menstruation, and when her mother handed Lin Ya hygiene products, her eyes were very strange, contempt and contempt.
Lin Ya felt that she had seen it wrong, how could a mother despise her own child.
Lin Ya's first underwear was bought by her grandmother with Lin Ya, and her mother's thoughts seemed to be on her sister Lin Xin.
The fragrance of the face when I was a child, the shampoo, the small clothes, the first time my sister spoke, the first time I walked, the first time I ate by myself, my sister grew up every moment, and my mother didn't want to miss it.
Sending her sister to a dance cram school gave her all her love.
Lin Ya also stopped trying to please her mother, but she didn't like her sister very much.
On the day of college, her father sent Lin Ya, and her mother accompanied her sister to practice dancing early in the morning.
Most of the other children were sent by their mothers, and when they left, the mothers would shed tears and be reluctant to leave, and when Lin Ya sent her father out of the school, she asked her father why her mother did not like herself.
The father said that the mother just did not know how to express it, but this reason seemed untenable.
07
In college, her mother did not take the initiative to call Lin Ya, and Lin Ya's phone call to her mother did not take more than 2 minutes to end.
Lin Ya made her current boyfriend Jiang Chuan when she was in college, lin Ya took Jiang Chuan home after graduating from college, her father was in tears, and her mother's expression was faint.
When making lunch at noon, Lin Ya and Jiang Chuan sat in the living room, not knowing what to say, Lin Ya was suddenly amused by Jiang Chuan's words.
Turning her head, she saw her mother standing in the doorway, and Lin Ya saw that look again, but this time Lin Ya was sure that her mother's eyes were contemptuous and contemptuous.
At the dinner table, Lin Ya looked directly at her mother, who seemed to feel the strangeness of the atmosphere and played a round field.
Lin Ya and Jiang Chuan were engaged, and Jiang Chuan's parents were very satisfied with Lin Ya and also discussed the two families sitting together to discuss the marriage.
Lin Ya's mother once again broke the appointment, the father was embarrassed to explain that the mother was uncomfortable today, Jiang Chuan's parents were concerned about it, or go to see the mother, the father was busy explaining that there was no need to worry.
Lin Ya knew that her mother was not sick, and in the morning Lin Xin also posted pictures of dancing with her mother in the circle of friends.
That night, Lin Ya and her father returned home, and her mother was sitting on the sofa changing tv programs with a remote control.
Lin Ya rushed over, grabbed the remote control and fell against the wall, instantly falling apart.
08
"You don't deserve to be a mother."
His father came over and pulled Lin Ya along, trying to explain something for his mother.
"Not only do you not deserve to be a mother today, you didn't even deserve to be a mother a long time ago."
"The old man in jail?" Lin Ya said.
The mother's expressionless face began to constrict.
"I remember it, and I remember it for the rest of my life." Lin Ya did not intend to shut up.
Lin Ya said those words to her mother, and her mother began to cover her face and cry.
"In the future, I won't call you Mom again." Our fate ended that year. ”
After saying that, Lin Ya left, walking a long way and finally never hearing her mother's cries again.
Lin Ya accidentally saw a video about child indecency one afternoon, and Lin Ya felt that she had been hit by something in an instant, but at that time her mother was clearly standing outside the door.
Even if she coughs, it's fine.
When Lin Ya's depression was very serious, Jiang Chuan accompanied her.
Lin Ya and Jiang Chuan decided to get married at the end of the year, and Lin Ya prepared dresses for her father, sister, and grandparents.
Sister Lin Xin asked why Lin Ya did not have her mother's dress, her father did not speak, and Lin Ya said that she would take her grandmother to try on clothes, and changed the topic.
Lin Ya's mother went upstairs without speaking.
09
"Sister, Mom is crying, can you go and see her?"
"So what."
"Sister, why are you like this?"
"Mother, she doesn't deserve it, has a mother seen her child being molested, walked away expressionlessly, and then coldly abused her own daughter for more than twenty years?"
"Sister, what are you talking about?"
The moment Lin Xin looked at the door, he saw his father standing in tears at the door.
On the day of the wedding, it was very lively, no one mentioned the mother, the father's eyes were full of heartache and guilt, that night and Jiang Chuan chatted for a long time, and when he left, his eyes were red.
After Lin Ya got married, coupled with going to work, the number of times she came back was getting less and less, and Lin Xin also went to college.
It was already night the day her father called Lin Ya.
His father said he was divorcing his mother.
Lin Ya can't bear it, after all, her father is not small, there must always be a woman who knows cold and knows heat, although her mother is not, but at least she is a companion, and for so many years Lin Ya knows that her father loves her mother.
"Dad, it's all over, I've come out of that haze, you don't have to."
Father's cries came from the other end of the phone, "My precious daughter, why didn't you tell Daddy sooner?" ”
"It's Daddy who didn't take good care of you."
10
My father divorced my mother, and my father said that he had a hard time in his heart.
My father used to think that her mother didn't like Lin Ya because she didn't have a chance to dance again because of Lin Ya's birth, but she was at least kind, so that she could still find an excuse to love her mother.
New Year is his father's 50th birthday, Lin Ya is pregnant, Jiang Chuan drove Lin Ya home, and Lin Xin also returned.
Although divorced, the father considered the grandmother's health, and the mother still lived at home.
That night, her mother knocked on the door of Lin Ya's room and said that she wanted to say a few words to Lin Ya, and Jiang Chuan looked at Lin Ya and closed the door when she went out.
The sudden kneeling of her mother made Lin Ya a little frightened.
"What are you doing?" I want to lift up my mother.
"It was my mother who was wrong, my mother was crazy at the time, and I didn't know what I was obsessed with in the first place." I..."
Lin Ya did not want to take the call.
"Mom, I'm sorry for you."
"You just don't want to, because of my arrival, you can't dance, you see that I was laughing at that time, you are despising me." 」
"There's nothing wrong with you, you just don't like me, and now apologizing is just feeling ashamed that things have been discovered."
"No, no, it was my mother who was too weak at that time, my mother was afraid of losing face, it was my mother who had not yet learned how to be a mother at that time." 」
Lin Ya suddenly smiled and pushed the door out.
11
Lin Ya's child was born in winter, and Jiang Chuan made a lot of nutritious meals for Lin Ya, just like Lin Ya's father made for her mother.
The storyline seems to be repeating itself, but the story ends in a different direction.
Forgetting takes not only time, but also tolerance.
No one defended her mother anymore, and no one blamed Lin Ya.
What the future holds, Lin Ya herself is not sure, looking at Jiang Chuan, who is standing by the window with her child, Lin Ya feels that maybe she does not need to think about it so much now.