This morning I saw a group Q&A from Teacher Li of the Parent Academy:
About the mother-daughter relationship:
"If you love her 100 percent, to meet her needs, to listen to her voice, to see her laughing more with you, you know love has flowed."
Unless you're still in control. ”
About the relationship between husband and wife:
"My husband likes to be the focus of attention.
The main can not plate the child, pestering the husband is right, hitting is kissing and scolding is love.
The mother pays too much attention to the child and ignores the husband. And when you scold him, you are very engaged, and you will not ignore him like usual. The emotions are strong when scolding, making him feel at least intensely concerned when he is scolded.
There is a better way to express it than scolding: "Honey, where is the death?" I need you, your son calls you!" The central idea and the point is "The opening is all dear, and finally all have to express that I need you." ”
It is best to scold less, let yourself hurt your liver and get angry, kill a thousand enemies and damage yourself eight hundred, which is not good for your own health. Temperament is big, old fast, can't paddle. When the time comes, he will flaunt a flower everywhere, and you tofu scum will not have to look at it. So it's best to change to a playful scolding.
Guan Jian is that you should pay more attention to your husband and transfer your entanglement with your children to your husband. ”
Is Teacher Li's answer particularly grounded? And there is also operability, and according to the feedback after the practice of group friends, the effect is proved to be immediate.
Seeing Teacher Li's Q&A on the relationship between husband and wife evoked some painful memories, and at the same time I had a little understanding of a sentence I saw before: "In fact, there is not much difference between a woman and who is married, because the essence of the marriage relationship is to get along with myself." "There's also the theory about the scumbag harvester.
Every woman's choice of life partner and the management of intimate relationships, if you peel back the cocoon, in fact, must reflect the same mode of thinking, showing the exact same control of the automatic operation mode of life.
Where does this solidified mode of thinking and automated operation come from? The Law of the Mirror tells us that the original family, the ideas transmitted from generation to generation, the way parents get along, the way daughters and fathers get along, and the daughter's interpretation of the father's image are written into our souls as specific codes.
"The Courage to Be Hated" says that all human troubles come from the troubles of human relationships. If you imagine that there is only one person left in the universe, many of the troubles that come from loneliness, comparison, vanity, and living in the eyes of others will disappear.
Why is it that a good relationship between husband and wife can give the child the greatest sense of security, and it is the best gift for the child? "Daddy loves Mommy, Mommy loves everyone!" To maintain a correct family order, the relationship between husband and wife is greater than the parent-child relationship, and do not partner the parent-child relationship.
Next, I would like to use the above theory to try to review my failed life, make a wrong question book, on the one hand, to help recognize my own life, on the other hand, I hope to wake up other mothers:
One thing, my daughter and I have been obsessed with for many years, often fantasizing about being able to sit on the time shuttle and go back to rewriting the plot and reducing the harm to my daughter.
At that time, my daughter was still six or seven years old.
One day after dinner, a large family (me, my daughter, and my mother's relatives) sat in the living room talking and laughing, and my daughter was also very relaxed and happy, laughing and joking.
Suddenly, the door was opened and her father came home. We turned our heads to look at him, but no one greeted him, and in retrospect years later, that was the trigger for the tragedy.
The daughter's father came over and looked around everyone in the room with cold eyes, and the joyful atmosphere suddenly stopped.
The daughter's father asked her daughter to find out the home-school contact book, and she wanted to see it. The daughter panicked and went rummaging. Originally, I couldn't use this home-school contact book in the summer, which was a very difficult and difficult thing for my daughter who had been lost. So far, the daughter is still the one who has lost everything, but she is allowed and safe. Because no one scolded her for it, or threw away her beloved things as punishment.
Later, I read a book that said that a little girl who did not like to clean up her things grew up to become a lazy wife, and the husband and wife often quarreled over it. Later, the psychological counselor traced back to the source, because the little girl was often scolded and punished by her parents for littering when she was a child, and there was trauma, and therefore doubted her parents' love for her, and this matter has been associated with many negative emotions, forming a conditioned reflex. So now the wife subconsciously hopes to live according to her own wishes, as a kind of healing of childhood trauma, but also a kind of late resistance and compensation, and may still use her husband's tolerance for this matter as a touchstone of love.
At this time, I clearly heard my daughter's father muttering in a low voice: "Hmm, I'm back, and no one pays attention to me!" ”
Did I say that you were looking for a daughter because you were snubbed?
The daughter's father denied it, saying that I heard it wrong, and that he did not say so, that is, normal discipline of the child.
At that time, I did not have the correct system concept of how to raise children. In addition, when the in-laws and mother-in-law let the children be disciplined, the husband and wife should agree on the same opinion, and do not fight one by one.
"The law of cause and effect is the basic law of the universe." I myself cope with my life with an adventurous mentality, and naturally life will return to me with an adventurous life.
Let's not say anything else, driving on the road, must not first learn driving skills, must not memorize traffic rules? Otherwise, it will lead to a traffic accident in minutes, resulting in the tragedy of car destruction and death.
Isn't driving the vehicle of your life more important than driving? Why not study, practice, and miss out on the pitfalls? It is a pity that parents and schools have always paid attention to the way of survival of their children, and everything is struggling for the "five buckets of rice". And to live better, it must be those who have the knowledge of spiritual growth and sound personality, and establish their own spiritual home of peace, self-confidence and satisfaction. Unfortunately, blank.
Isn't that the same in my life? The marriage failed and the daughter fell ill. But thanks, I am still here, my daughter is also there, and everything is still too late. Life is long, don't panic.
A few days ago I saw my daughter's "Vent Notebook" when she was ten years old: "Ten years, I've had enough of you. "I want to buy a bottle of pesticide." "I'm going to kill you first, then I'm going to ZS." "I wish I were an orphan!"
But at that time, my daughter played a well-behaved girl in front of us. It can be imagined that a little girl who has not been allowed to be her true self for many years, in order to survive, relies on her acting skills, carefully, walks on thin ice, observes the color, and has no one to rely on, how super pitiful. "Orphans with both parents!"
I can think like this after learning to grow and change. But at that time, I would only feel that I would give you food, give you drink, buy you your favorite clothes and toys, take you on a trip, and live a good life ten times and a hundred times better than I was then, and my attitude was simply a breeze and rain compared to the simple and rude grandparents and grandparents. Besides, whose children aren't like that? Some parents are even more excessive.
At the same time, I realized the simplicity of my own thinking, almost stupid. After a little explanation from my daughter's father, I gave up my judgment and did not want to turn the tide. It is also good to think that my father disciplines me, and my daughter usually has many problems, and I am angry a lot.
The end of the matter is simply predestined.
Unable to find her daughter, who could not find her home, she began to cry and cry. She was glared at by her father's fire-spewing eyes and asked to find the piece of bamboo that had specifically hit her. The daughter procrastinated. Dad drank faster, otherwise he would have to increase the number of hits.
My daughter handed the bamboo sheet to her father and stood next to me, and I saw her small body trembling slightly, and the skin on her face was goosebumps.
There is really no empathy, sorrow and joy in the world. I was in the perspective of my daughter's mother, from the perspective of an adult, and I thought it was not normal for a small child to do something wrong and be beaten? At most, it hurts, and it will not be killed. Moreover, the father repeatedly said that if I came forward to stop it, he would double the punishment for his daughter. So I had no choice but to do nothing. Subconsciously there should be the idea that the daughter needs more powerful powers to discipline.
But when she grew up, my daughter told me that being beaten made her feel humiliated and really painful, and that dad's expression made the young one feel bad, bad, unworthy of life, and likely to be killed. Either this time, or next time.
After listening to the heartache, I asked my daughter, "Then why didn't you tell me directly at that time?" ”
My daughter gave me a blank look: "Where does a child have such a strong analytical ability?" Even if you think about it, your mouth can't say it. Even if I can say it, I don't trust you, who knows if you really help me? Sometimes I think you and Dad are just a bunch of people. ”
My daughter criticized me a long time ago, saying that I was the person she had ever seen with the lowest IQ and emotional intelligence, and without one of them, she simply couldn't communicate and communicate. She tried many times to help me analyze and reason, but I couldn't listen to it. They are always kidnapped by their own hardships, pains, dedication, and other reasons. Therefore, I believe that my daughter has been living in the dilemma of "incomparably wronged and unable to distinguish".
It turned out that I still didn't believe that after more than a year of learning and growth, I seemed to be wearing high-powered myopic glasses, and I could clearly see the large and small, deep and shallow pits that I had stepped on countless times over the past ten years. So, I believe now.
The daughter was beaten thirty times and said it was very painful, especially painful. The daughter's tears came out of her eyes, and she was reprimanded by her father not to cry, and when she cried, she continued to fight.
Inferiority and Transcendence says that any child who is treated with a premeditated inappropriate parenting style will become a 100% neurotic.
"Meet the Unknown Self" says that negative emotions are an energy, and the excessive secretion of adrenaline under extreme panic can come and go without getting stuck in the body. However, if they are not allowed to express, rationally vent, and continue to superimpose, they will always be stuck in the body and become part of the body. Even if your brain forgets a specific traumatic event, "your body never forgets." When something similar happens in adulthood, you may trigger more negative emotions than others.
What's so inexplicable in the world? Unreasonable? There must be a rule to follow.
Ms. Zhang Defen, author of "Meet the Unknown Self", said at a reading meeting that unfortunate childhood will increase trauma, and those unhealed wounds are like bloody hooks embedded in the body, shuttling through the jungle of life, even if they are careful, they are always hooked by those insignificant branches from time to time, and new wounds are formed in entanglement, so vicious circle, can not reach the other side of happiness.
Therefore, whether it is for parents or children, it is very important to meet the unknown self, to understand yourself, "to see is healed, expression is to heal", to take care of yourself, to live well, and to find a place for the wandering heart. It is more important than the pursuit of fame and fortune.
The book Nonviolent Communication encourages people to express their feelings and needs and to listen to the feelings and needs of others.
I now have to come to the conclusion of hindsight, why is my birth family, my family, a communication method based on violent communication? Harm others and harm themselves, can not be happy? Why doesn't anyone wake up and change it? How many more generations will such an heirloom carry?
Back to the above-mentioned daughter's beating. The problem lies in the disharmonious relationship between husband and wife, the parent-child relationship is partnered, and the feelings and needs of the ex-husband are not respected and accepted.
The girlfriend said that her husband did not talk to her for three days, and she couldn't stand it. I laughed and said don't say three days, three years, thirty years I can do it. I can really do it and am proud of it. Where did I learn that? My mother.
But who has this mental cold violence hurt? Myself, my husband, my daughter.
My young daughter begged me not to argue with my father, because his father would throw his anger at her, and her life would be in danger. Therefore, for the sake of my daughter, I chose silence to express my anger, grievances, and dislike. Does this really solve the problem? Is there a better solution? Is there a better option? I never thought about it. Confused, confused, busy living my life. It's like a cluster of ants that have been plucked out of their tentacles.
So what do the daughter's fathers feel and need?
He hopes to have the right to speak at the head of the family and hopes to be respected and valued by his family. But in reality, he is often suppressed and ignored, degraded, and he feels disrespected and ostracized. He did not dare to provoke his strong wife, so he had to transform his anger and grievances into attacks and hurt his daughter. Because only in that moment is he seen, noticed, and has the right to speak.
How ignorant am I, you say? Such a conclusion, after many years, after seeing Teacher Li's answer today, I slowly figured it out. Pity me for the first half of my miserable life, poor daughter who was forced to depression and doomed to a difficult life.
I hope that young parents and future parents can see my article, so as to have a strong interest in spiritual growth and sound personality knowledge, pay attention to mental health, and achieve "prevention before they occur." ”
After all, it is now an indisputable fact: "The prevalence of mental illness is getting higher and higher, and it is getting younger and younger." "No one can have a deathless gold medal. Unless you embark on the path of learning to grow and change sooner.
I hope that parents who have been unfortunate enough to be in trouble and helpless will see my article and immediately embark on the road of self-learning, growth and change. "It's not too late to make amends.". On the basis of formal treatment, it is very important for parents to change their learning and growth. It can be said that the speed of parental growth determines the speed of children's recovery.
Self-encouragement, mutual encouragement.
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