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This article totals 3753 words and takes about 6 minutes to read
[Moon]
In the middle of October last year, at the urging of our parents, Mr. Yang and I attended a traditional wedding in our hometown, which was run by our parents. There was no time to prepare for the wedding, and we felt like we were being pushed forward.
After attending the wedding in my hometown, the whole world began to urge me to have a baby. The most exaggerated thing is that my mother is my lord. I replied that I had no pregnancy plans for the time being, and said that I could also accept a lifetime of dink, and that children were not a necessity in life. She said, when you are old, nothing will be achieved, and there will be no cubs. It's the mother who is right, bear it.
More voices are, "Don't miss the best time to have children, after all, you are not young, let nature take its course, you should be born." "Friends chatting will also ask, when to have children." I said I wasn't ready. Then the painting style became like this: everything was prepared before it began, not all of them went to the battlefield and carried the cannon...
The most excessive thing is that I went to consult my brother-in-law who has achieved success in entrepreneurship. Speaking of his motivation to start a business, he actually told me that it came from having children. Good fellow, am I not going to have a child, and I will not be able to make achievements in this life?
I admit that life is three-dimensional and multi-faceted, and the determinant of career success is, of course, not just having children. I don't want to be pushed forward anymore, and since it's useless to escape, think about it.
01.
In fact, the reason why I feel that the whole world is spawning is because I attach great importance to this matter. Or that they also want to have children deep down, if they don't care, the pressure will be infallible. So when we feel great pressure, it's time to see what we really think.
Before marriage, Mr. Yang and I had such a discussion, what is the order of people who are important to us in life in our hearts. Many people say that important people are important, where the order comes from. But the truth is, the ordering is objectively present, it's just that you never thought about the problem. Take the parents, the same are the children who come out of their own stomachs, but there is always the preferred one, and a bowl of water cannot be flat all the time.
So how do the important people rank in my mind?
1. Yourself
2. Partner
3. Parents and children
4. Friends and relatives
After clarifying the above order, Mr. Yang smiled and said, "Wait for the face, after having children, people will change." "Of course I understand that he is not saying this out of thin air, and I have observed that too many people around me have changed their temperament after having children. This is not just about moms, but also about dads, and of course moms are more exaggerated.
Mr. Yang's ordering is diametrically opposed to mine:
1. Partner
2. Parents and children
3. Yourself
4. Friends and relatives
Mr. Yang's ranking does not actually represent most men. I've talked to some of my male friends and found that they basically put their children before their partners, and finally they are themselves. Of course, such sampling actually does not explain anything, the sample is too small. Here is pure sharing, for reference only.
02.
I accidentally saw a girl's sharing on the Internet, saying that at the age of twenty-seven or eight, she suddenly couldn't find the meaning of life, and even wanted to die. In the darkest moments of her life, she accidentally became pregnant with a baby. This baby, to a large extent, relieved her anxiety and dazedness.
So will childbearing bring anxiety to women, or can it help us alleviate anxiety?
On a cursory glance, as a new parent, childbearing is bound to bring new anxieties. But the arrival of the child requires a lot of attention from the mother, so on the other hand, it enriches the life of the parents. Like my cousin said, when I first got married, I would argue with my brother-in-law, and now I am busy with two children, and I have no time to quarrel.
Before, I didn't want to have children, because I was afraid that my time would be occupied by children, I was afraid that I would not be able to take care of another life, and I was even more afraid of becoming a mother who only had children in her eyes.
There was a time after marriage, when it came to having children, I instinctively resisted. Later, I understood that not daring to have children was avoiding the hardships and responsibilities of child-rearing. From a business point of view, childbirth is an extremely uneconomical project, and the risks are all borne by the parents. The cost of childbearing paid by women and the cost of parenting paid by parents cannot be measured by simple numbers.
Perhaps most people raise children for the elderly, and this traditional thinking may be engraved in the bones of most people. Otherwise, there would be no such phenomenon that "most parents are mainly sons, and the daughters who marry out are like water spilled out." Now business is more developed, even if there are no children, the pension does not have to worry too much. If raising children is just to prevent aging, then the return on investment is really too low.
More people actually don't think about whether to have children or not, so they become parents in a vacuum, which is a road that cannot be turned back. I have observed many people around me, and after giving birth to a child, they insist on not having a second child. Of course, there are many reasons, but the main reason is because when you give birth to a child, you have no idea what you are facing, and you are ignorant and fearless. Seeing that the large troops had a birth card, they obediently applied for it with the flow. A small number of people, after thinking clearly and being ready, only choose to have children. And I wish I was the latter.
Like I never thought marriage was necessary or having children was necessary. When urged to get married, it seems that marriage can cure all diseases and solve all problems. Now it's my turn to give birth again, and I would like to say that having a child is never a salvation, let alone a fulfillment obligation, but a conscious choice.
03.
Let's briefly list the benefits of two options.
Benefits of choosing not to have children:
1. Avoid the fear and pain of getting pregnant in October and giving birth.
2. Avoid the irreversible physical changes and losses caused by women due to childbirth.
3. Avoid various mental and psychological losses, such as postpartum depression.
4. Avoid the hardships and troubles of raising children, as well as possible parent-child conflicts.
5, avoid the loss of life order because of the baby, and may lose themselves in a chicken feather.
6. Avoid affecting your career development because of your baby.
6. Have sufficient time, space and energy.
7, save a lot of childcare costs.
……
Benefits of choosing to have children:
1. A sense of accomplishment and value that nurtures life.
2. Another life experience and happiness brought about by parent-child relationship.
3. Grow up again with your child, make your physical and mental development more mature, and make your life more complete.
4. Accompany a new life, grow up as an independent individual, create an unforgettable experience, and then learn to exit with dignity.
……
Now we can come up with an answer that is visible to the naked eye. But is there only one meaning of anti-instinct, as an instinct written in human genes, after rational analysis? So why do rich people regard their children as precious and scarce assets.
The value of women, of course, is not only fertility. But how can a person's value not come from having children? All you care about is your worth, only procreation. Life is multi-dimensional, how can your value be only procreation? Only with many contradictions and desires can we have a rich life.
04.
Lian Yue, the uncle I have been following for a long time, mentioned in his article that readers attacked him: "My own Dink persuaded others to have two and three children, which proves its hypocrisy." He stressed that Dink is a mistake in his own life, and now he and his wife are very regretful, but they are all in their 50s, and it is too difficult to remedy, so they advise young people to cherish time and cherish the opportunity for children to grow up.
Having a child, I really regret it and can only continue to move forward. Choose Dink, and you may regret it when you get old. Behind every choice, there is a corresponding price, and life is never two complete.
It is possible to have a child and face the difficulties, most likely when working hard and the child rebels, a few regretful thoughts flash. When the hard work is gone, the happiness of the child's companionship is greater than anything. Dink, on the other hand, may have fallen into some ease and ease when he was young, but he lacked the parent-child experience that is very important in life.
All of the above is just my understatement. I haven't actually experienced it yet, and what I'm saying isn't convincing. But as a rational optimist, I might still choose this experience compared to the two. But before I actually do it, the variables are huge. Life is full of changes.
05.
So what preparations do you need to do to choose to have a child?
Couple Communication:
1. Why do you want to have children with each other?
2. Why did you decide to have children?
3. When are you planning to be born? How many births?
4. Are you physically and psychologically prepared to be a parent?
5. After having children, will it affect the relationship between husband and wife?
6. After having children, will it affect the development of careers?
7. After having a child, who will take care of the child? How do families divide their labor?
8. Fully understand the specific preparations that need to be made before giving birth.
9. Fully understand the specific responsibilities that need to be assumed after childbirth.
10. Do you have enough knowledge of pregnancy, pregnancy, lactation and childcare?
11. What are the differences in parenting views between the two sides? How to seek common ground while reserving differences?
……
Economic:
1. Production hospital.
2. Confinement center, confinement sister-in-law.
3. Necessities for newborns.
4. Early education institutions.
5. Parenting sister-in-law.
6. Kindergarten.
7. Education Fund.
……
Fully understand the dilemmas you may face when choosing to become a mom:
1. Physiological aspects: body out of shape, fat, ugly, long spots, stretch marks, mastitis, vaginal injury, pelvic floor muscle injury, rectus abdominis separation, etc.
2. Psychological aspect: the hardships of pregnancy, the pain of childbirth, postpartum depression, economic pressure, etc.
3. Career: workplace discrimination, limited career development, etc.
……
Fully understand the dilemmas you may face when choosing to be a dad:
1. Physiological aspects: Fa Fu (follow the wife to eat confinement meals, overwork and other reasons).
2. Psychological aspect: responsibility pressure, economic pressure, etc.
3. Career: None.
……
These preparations made me have to lament once again the high cost of childbearing. It must also be acknowledged that women bear more in childbirth. If one day I really decide to have a baby, I hope I do it after all the above preparations.
[Moon]
There is a question on Zhihu, "Why should you have children and live your own life?" ”
Here's a 7.1W compliment from a ze ran friend:
One day at the age of thirty or forty, you will suddenly find that the best things in life have already happened, and all that remains is repetition and aging, year after year, day by day.
And the child will wash away the repetition and make life unknown again. He/she makes you troubled, makes you worry, makes you happy, surprises you, makes you experience childhood again, lets you understand the state of mind of your parents at that time, gives you a reason to buy toys that you once asked for, makes you strong when you are in pain, calm in crisis, lets you see yourself in childhood, sees his bravery, his curiosity, his cramping, his uneasiness, so as to better understand yourself and accept yourself.
Parents raise children, children accompany parents, parents and children nourish each other and achieve each other.
In the time that flies, he makes the future look forward.
Yes, we don't actually have to ask over and over again about the meaning of everything.
Finally, I would like to end with a quote from Tagore:
The meaning of life is not to leave anything behind, as long as you have experienced it, it is the greatest beauty, this is not incompetence, but a kind of detachment.
- END -
Cover / Illustration "See You Now"
About the Author:
New one, a frank writer who loves to think, a practical school of lifelong learning, sharing the growth of ordinary people dry goods + self-help guide, this is a road that few people walk, and it is very happy to walk with you.