In the era of educational anxiety, how to be a "just right" mother?

Today, family culture is undergoing fundamental changes. Introducing the spirit of independence and freedom into the connotation of Chinese family culture is the only way.

The independence of the younger generation will at the same time generate the independent mentality of the older generation. Caring and letting go is just the right tension.

Being an appropriate modern mother is the beginning of a little more modernity in Chinese society.

Author: Lu Jiajian, teacher, scholar, essayist

As a child, my mother gave me a strict education of character and cultural knowledge, and when I entered adolescence, she always gave me the space for free development, and always silently paid attention to and supported me.

However, Chinese mother's love always receives excessive praise. There is a question worth facing: how many mothers are unqualified?

For example, many young people have a "Oedipus" complex, and this responsibility should be borne by their unqualified mothers. For special cultural and historical reasons, Chinese are particularly worthy of studying the "mother culture problem".

In 2002, Zhu Ying and others at Peking University found for the first time in a study of Chinese college students that, unlike Westerners, Chinese memory not only has a "self-referential effect" (remembering information related to oneself is particularly good), but also remembers the relevant information with one's mother very well, just like remembering one's own affairs, and there is a "mother reference effect".

This is very different from the results of the experiments of participants in Western cultural contexts. For Westerners, the concept of "mother" is no better remembered than the material associated with "self."

Chinese unique "mother-referential effect" that illustrates that mothers have an important place in the "self" of Chinese. From the attachment established in infancy to adulthood, the "mother" still exists in this way in the lives of Chinese.

Why does motherhood have a unique meaning to Chinese? This is related to the cultural context of "self-concept".

Hazel Markus, a social psychologist at Stanford University, and others have proposed two types of self concepts, "independent self" and "dependent self" based on cultural differences.

In the context of Western culture, the concept of self is independent and individualistic, and they focus on their own thoughts, feelings and actions; in the context of Eastern culture, the individual is a relationship self, emphasizing the interconnection and interdependence of people with each other, especially the family.

For Americans, motherhood belongs to something other than the self and does not have an advantage in memory. For Chinese, the ego contains the element of mother, and the mother is part of the "self".

A further experiment proved this conclusion:

In 2007, Zhu Ying et al. used two groups of Chinese and Western college students to conduct a brain imaging study of the "mother reference effect". It was found that for Chinese, the ventral medial prefrontal lobe was activated under both self-referencing and maternal referential conditions, but Westerners only activated the ventral medial prefrontal lobe by self-referencing.

This suggests that the Chinese self lives in the same brain region as the mother, which provides neurophysiological evidence for Chinese unique "maternal reference effect".

Most Chinese agree with this conclusion from their own experience: we have placed our mother in a very important position. Even as an adult, the emotional connection to the mother has long penetrated into the individual's cognition and behavior and even physiological structure.

To investigate the formation of this special "Oedipus complex", only cultural analysis can be carried out in the family life of Chinese cultural traditions, and it is worth asking a question today: What kind of maternal love is good?

02

Because of the great role of the "dependent self" and the "mother's reference effect", how to be a proper mother is extremely important.

The first thing to look at is the "motherly love problem."

Whether in the past or today, maternal love needs to be just right, and the so-called right is to achieve a balance between reason and warmth.

In fact, a person's first, best, and even lifelong teacher is his own mother. The best character of a mother is the "calmness of reason" expressed by Montessori.

Let's look at an example.

The English novelist Roald Dahl wrote in his autobiographies Boys and The Lone Wolf how his mother had raised him to be a gentleman in a seemingly cold way.

Dahl lost his father at an early age, and his mother delivered just the right amount of love in a capable, strong, loving, protective way and letting him fly, never releasing excessive maternal love.

Dahl was reluctant to go to university after high school – although as long as he was willing, Oxbridge was in his pocket.

When he told his mother about this decision, she said only one thing: "Okay." ”

Was she disappointed by her son's decision? Distressed? No way of knowing.

Dahl was admitted to Shell Oil and was sent to East Africa six months later to sell oil for 3 years.

Going to such a distant place as East Africa or China had always been Dahl's dream, and he immediately ran home to tell his mother the news. Dahl writes:

"I was her only son and we were very close. Most mothers are afraid that they will look quite sad in the face of this situation. 3 years is a long time, and Africa is so far away that it cannot be visited in the middle. But my mother didn't allow herself to reveal even a little bit of emotion that she was sure to have at the time, so as not to spoil my happiness. ”

"Oh, you're awesome!" She cried, "That's good news. That's exactly where you want to go, right? ”

The 20-year-old Dahl took a boat to British East Africa, joined the RAF after the outbreak of World War II, and returned home injured.

His "Alone" is written here, detailing how he searched in vain for his mother's new address on a wet and dark night in Liverpool, and how he made his first phone call with his mother in London for more than 3 years.

Even then, Dahl didn't hear his mother crying. When he asked, "Is that you, Mom?" There was complete silence on the other end of the phone, and Dahl knew that it was Mom, and only Mom would be so desperate to control her feelings.

This is the way in which a mother of an English gentleman loves her son deeply and never constrains his growth and development. Hiding love in the heart is not without cruel control of the interference of feelings on reason.

This is a just right amount of maternal love.

What is needed just right is intellectual moderation and an understanding based on common sense of human nature. It is appropriate wisdom to not need moral intervention at the moment. Because morality is easy to teach people to go up the line, it is not allowed to distort human nature condescendingly based on the understanding of common sense of human nature.

03

There are two stories about "splitting apples" that are worth carefully observing and comparing.

Story 1:

A famous Western source said that when he was a child, his mother bought some apples, and both brothers wanted to eat the biggest one.

Mom smiled and said, "You come to the competition, I divide the lawn in front of the door into 2 pieces, and each of you is responsible for trimming each, and whoever does the fastest and best can get it." ”

As a result, he won. From this, we learned a truth: if you want to get good, you must strive to be the first. It's fair, how much you want, you have to pay for it.

Story 2:

A Chinese prisoner said that when he was young, his mother brought several apples, ranging in size. At a glance, he took a fancy to the red and big one, when his brother said what he wanted to say, and was scolded by his mother: "A good child must learn to give good things to others, and cannot always think of himself." ”

Listening to his mother's words, he changed his mind: "I want the youngest one to leave the eldest to my younger brother." ”

As a result, he was rewarded by his mother, who gave him the biggest apple. From then on, he learned to lie and then began to do whatever it took.

The same is the apple, the result is very different. The mother of the former chose to let the child use her own hands to get what she wanted. The Chinese mother of the latter, however, let the child exchange a hypocritical performance for what he wanted.

Behind them each embodies the choice of cultural values: a culture of rationality in competition and acquisition, a culture of performance of morality and hypocrisy.

Mothers always encounter similar dilemmas, which are actually good educational opportunities. However, if not well grasped, it is often possible to miss the life of the child because of excessive or ignorant maternal love.

Taking the apple as an example, how should the mother guide and deal with things?

A fair and wise mom can put it this way:

"My brother and my brother want this big apple, my mom wants it, and we all have the right to the best." But now there's only one big Apple. If anyone gets the big apple alone, everyone else gets it. So what do you say to do? ”

Leaving the problem to the children to explore is a humble and rational strategy. With the cleverness of the children and the pure heart of the truth-seeking, they will come up with ways to solve them by sharing such things as fair play, cutting equals with a knife, and taking turns to enjoy or even casting lots.

In this way, from an early age, they will learn to get along fairly in competition and cooperation and use the wisdom of seeking truth from facts to deal with the rational distribution of benefits.

If the mother only uses the method of authoritarian punishment, she will plant the evil eyes of hypocrisy and eccentricity, jealousy and resentment in the hearts of the children at the same time. Such a child grows up, and treats the things of the world with such a little bit.

This article is not intended to say that the education of children is only the responsibility of mothers, but it must be pointed out in particular that there are some eternal things in human beings that cannot transcend nature. Montessori specifically states:

There are two levels of psychoanalysis of children:

One level is the conflict between the child's individual innate instincts and the environmental conditions to which he must adapt, which often conflict with his basic desires;

Another level to explore is the depths of childhood memory, at which level the child's conflict with his mother and, more generally, between the child and the adult.

She particularly emphasizes the "conflict between the child and his mother", so for women, it is a vocation to be a proper "education mother".

In the past decade, Stephen Glenn, a scientist who has made significant contributions in the field of medicine in the world, asked him in a reporter's interview: What makes you have creativity that ordinary people can't reach?

Stephen Glenn mentions an experience as a child.

One day, he tried to take a bottle of milk out of the refrigerator, and just a few steps after taking it out, he accidentally smashed the milk bottle to the ground.

His mother heard the noise, but she did not get angry, preach, or punish him. Instead, he said, "It's spilled on the floor anyway, do you want to play for a while before you clean it up?" I think it might be fun to play with milk. ”

He really just played with milk.

After a few minutes, the mother said, "You spilled the milk, and it is up to you to clean it up." I have sponges, rags and mops here, what do you want to use? He chose the sponge.

Then, the mother said, "You didn't hold the milk bottle just now, which means that you haven't learned how to hold a big bottle." Now, let's go out into the yard and fill the bottle with water and see if you can find a good way to keep the bottle from falling to the ground. ”

Through repeated practice, he knew that if he held the place near the mouth of the bottle with both hands, the bottle would not fall off during the handling process.

This experience gave him a very deep memory. It was from that time, he recalled, that he understood that there was no need to be afraid of making mistakes, and that mistakes were often the beginning of learning something new.

Freud said: "Childhood experiences affect a person's whole life. "And your experience comes first and foremost from your mother. A good mom whose love is meant to influence your life with the most rewarding and far-reaching experiences is the wisdom of "just right."

A good mother will have enough noble generosity and tolerant patience to stay away from impatience, harshness, scheming, and condescending.

In addition to tolerance and love, a good mother also needs "rational calmness", that is, just the right attitude, guided in silence, first of all, do not let the events that have occurred become "problem events" that have been strongly pursued, carefully protect the self-esteem of children, and cultivate the child's rational calmness, so that he can be liberated from difficulties and blows.

"Just right" means proper love and education, and finally inadvertently gives children a sense of accomplishment in solving difficult problems.

How noble a mother is needed!

Now, a new phenomenon is testing Chinese mothers: When your children grow up, how do you deal with independent and free relationships?

Mothers cannot be independent, and children certainly cannot be independent. This situation is known in psychology as the failure to achieve "character exit". That is, a woman has taken on the role of a "mother" who cares for her children for a long time, and when the children grow up, the mother still refuses to quit this role, then her children must also belong to the role of not growing up.

In turn, she will be completely dependent on her children, so that she will become ignorant, unreasonable and incompetent, and even continue to intervene and meddle in the lives of her children with the belief of "I am your mother".

At the same time, if her children have always depended on her, once they find that the mother they depend on has become an old child who cannot be relied on and depends on herself, then the life of the two families is extremely entangled.

There is one situation that is often seen:

After the independence of her children, a mother suddenly feels that the important values that she has been needed and relied on throughout her life are gradually being "deprived" (diluted), so she will have an inexplicable dislike of her daughter-in-law or son-in-law. This is the mentality of the middle-aged and elderly mother who embraces the resentment of "marrying the daughter-in-law and forgetting the mother".

Ordinary mothers will take the control of their children as their main mission, directly intervene in their children's married life, and direct their life events; while more successful professional female mothers will harshly criticize their daughters-in-law with a dual mentality: on the one hand, they love their children, but they do not form the compassion of loving house and Wu, on the other hand, they will criticize their daughters-in-law with self-standards, hoping that they can be competent for the duties of wives, mothers and professional women at the same time.

These excessive maternal love will produce excessive substitution and intervention of psychological character, losing the meaning of allowing oneself and one's children to live independently and freely.

"When the springs are dry, the fish phase and the land are on land, and they are wet with each other, and they are foaming at each other, so it is better to forget each other in the rivers and lakes." Seemingly ruthless, in fact, wise, combined is two evils, independent and beautiful. This is called "just right".

"Family" is the core of Chinese culture, and all human culture builds a Chinese cultural model layer by layer around the center of the family. If there is to be a fundamental breakthrough, especially to create a new generation of independent citizens, family relations must be appropriately adjusted.

Today, family culture is undergoing fundamental changes. Introducing the spirit of independence and freedom into the connotation of Chinese family culture is the only way. The independence of the younger generation will at the same time generate the independent mentality of the older generation. Caring and letting go is just the right tension.

Being an appropriate modern mother is the beginning of a little more modernity in Chinese society.

Article source: Tencent Culture

Image source: DE Future Bootcamp

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