One
Berry Zhen left today, Jingsheng did not come back from his post office, and I was the only one sitting in a huge upstairs. The downstairs laughter calendar was handed up from the window, making my tired heart and unable to stop myself. Yesterday at this time, the berry was still with me, and he did not tell me about leaving, but he actually went away secretly today, thinking in his heart that not letting me know the date of the trip in advance would reduce my pain, but I did not know that today's sudden parting made me more and more sad! I heard his sister-in-law downstairs from bed this morning saying to him, Brother Berry, it's not too early, aren't you ready for the car to go? My heart was broken. I was going to get up and send him, but as our relationship was like this, I was afraid that others would see my tears, but it would cause rumors and rumors, so I had to cover my face and cry, knowing that the only thing I really had at this time was this thin cotton!
He had recently known that the beginning of the semester was approaching, that he was about to leave me, and that he was even closer to me, and whenever Jingsheng went out, he would desperately run upstairs to talk and laugh with me, hoping to make me forget my future parting in a joyful intoxication. However, although he was so attentive, although this time I was spared the feeling of being overwhelmed, he wanted to forget me after the farewell. Poor today's thunderbolt on this sunny day, the separation of the earth, makes me reminisce about the old feelings, how embarrassing in my heart!
I knew he was leaving today, and I really regretted last night's move! I was about to start school in the berry proverb school recently, and my heart was often unhappy, last night Jingsheng suddenly asked me to go out to watch a play, saying that it was too dull to see me lately, and wanted me to take this opportunity to relax, I was afraid that he would peek through the hidden things in my heart, so I did not dare to go back, so I had to agree immediately, but I did not expect that we were so soft in the upstairs room that he could smell it downstairs. When we went out, I walked across the patio, looked back through the glass window of the compartment, and saw him lying motionless, probably crying again. I wanted to go in and comfort him, but because I was with him, I didn't want to stay, so I had to go out with him. Although I tried my best to persuade him to be free, telling him that this was an unavoidable and unavoidable thing, he could not be relieved in the end, so I did not often go out with Jingsheng easily, but sometimes I was forced by the situation and could not walk together; just like this time, I could not but perfunctory Jingsheng and his party in this situation, but I provoked his sadness again. I caught a glimpse of him crying bitterly in the room, and although I walked to the shadow garden, my heart remained at home, and I sat side by side with Jingsheng on a row of chairs, and in the darkness I only had a hissing cry in my ear, and only my shoulders and a bitter face in my eyes. I remembered that it was because of my ominous body that he had become such a lively young man that he had suddenly become so depressed, and I really couldn't stop a pain in my heart. I had to grieve my index finger tightly in the chair in front of me, hoping to kill this unquenchable sorrow. When Jingsheng saw that I was suddenly lying down, he asked me why. I had to say that I felt dizzy because of how stuffy the people in the stadium were for a long time. I lay down for a long time, until I calmed down and dared to raise my head, fortunately in the dark shadow garden, if it was elsewhere, I knew that I would stir up gossip again. Now that he is gone, when I think about it, I feel that I can't stand him. As a middle-aged woman with a husband, I can't take care of the household, I feel very ashamed, but I didn't expect a wisp of idleness, and I fell back on the berry proverb, although I am not deterred by any etiquette and women's morality, I want to say this, although it is not a one-sided occurrence of love. Before I had a relationship with him, he was a happy and lively young man, and there was no shadow of sadness in his heart, and since he had a relationship with me three years ago, he had been pushed from the paradise of youth to the abyss of boredom. Although he did not change his noble interests and painstaking mechanics because of this, the dreams of his youth and joy were finally broken, and his vigorous and lively temperament eventually changed into silence.
Oh, I'm so guilty! Although I did not regret having this history with him at this time, I finally harmed him and finally failed him. This wilted remnant of mine really doesn't deserve to be cultivated by a gardener! Scold! I'm going to...... OMG! What am I going to do? I want to make him fall in love with me again, I want to cut love in order not to let a promising young man fall into desperate sorrow again! I want to make him realize, I want him to feel that I can no longer be nostalgic; I want him to hate me, I want him to isolate him from me! Having sacrificed my good wife's name and the family's Yanle for him, now in order to love him completely, and not to bear the reason why he suffered because of me, I have to adopt my heart-wrenching policy! I am not sorry to sacrifice a hundred useless, I would rather make him complain about my ruthlessness, I can't bear to sit by and watch him sink into desperate sorrow! I want to love him completely! - Poor thing! I had to hide upstairs alone and write. Although I write so firmly here, when I meet him, when I see his Melancholy face, I have no courage to think about anything!
Because of my extremely deliberate and perfunctory reasons, although I have had a relationship with Berry Zhen for three years, Jingsheng has never known it. Recently, outsiders have noticed our actions, and he will probably find out. I don't know how he felt when he knew me and Berry Proverbs, how he felt after I did such a thing behind his back, the last scene in the Triangle Tragedy was about to be performed at that time, and then I was only interested in Xie Jingsheng and FreeBerry Zhen' involvement, I only had...
Scold! This is a bad omen, I dare not think about it anymore!
Two
I hurried back into my room, took the booklet from the box, and turned to the last paragraph I had written last time, Oh my God! Who made this speculation squeeze into my head? Who made this passage flow out of my pen? Unexpectedly, the terrible thing I remembered was now really going to happen.
No wonder the people in the Berry Proverbs family have changed their normal state to me every day! No wonder that every time I went downstairs, his mother always gave me a very cold greeting, his brother always smiled at me, and his sister-in-law always said to me words with double meaning and implication! It turns out that they already know what I am hiding!" They have obtained the key to unlock this secret. Although the ingredient of love is only pain and no shame, when I saw their sharp eyes, they made me a crane and threw them at me, I always felt that this was a great shame. I have never experienced such embarrassment, for the sake of love, I have tasted everything!
Today is the fourth day after the berry proverbs left, and in the morning I received a letter from him from the kiln shop in the middle of the wall, which was the correspondence address we had agreed; He said that on the eve of his departure, he had written a letter to keep it for me, but unexpectedly, because he was so tired late at night, he forgot to put the letter away and went to bed, even though he was seen by his serious old father who was late for the feast; his old father could not have imagined that he had this secret in secret at a young age, and he was furious, and immediately woke him up from his sleep, and severely reprimanded him, and poor him did not dare to stay at home any longer, and the next morning he hurriedly left. He also said that it had been four days since this had happened, and that his father must have told his stepmother that the cunning sister-in-law knew that he had asked me if their situation with me would change in the coming days.
Oh my goodness! I'm still dreaming! I really didn't expect this to happen, no wonder their attitude towards me has changed drastically in the past two days! When I received the letter, I was rejoicing and thinking that he must have many good things to say to me, but what he told me was such a thing! After I saw it, this body was really like falling into the ocean of ice, and all thoughts were destroyed! Oh my God! How does this make me good? How can I bear this future career with a shy face?
Ahhh! How can I bear this future career! I used to be able to stay with Berry Proverb all day long when things were not noticed by them, I could walk from upstairs to downstairs very freely, and I could inquire about Berry Proverb's presence in any of their mouths. But now, which one can I ask? When I did not approach them, their sharp and vicious eyes were already full of ridicule, so that I did not have the courage to open my mouth. They don't chase me, it's already a great peace of mind for me, do I dare to mention it to them again? The turn of events is really like a thunderbolt, and I didn't expect that in our unfortunate relationship, this unexpected change was highlighted!
Since they knew this, I knew very well that in addition to despising my actions, they were secretly hating me, and in their opinion, they thought that the relationship between Berry Zhen and me was entirely out of my temptation, and without me as a person, he would never have gotten into trouble with this matter as an eighteen-year-old. Oh my God! If they really have such an opinion, it really wronged me! Although I also have remorse at this time that I should not have caused him an innocent young man to cause pain and annoyance, my repentance is completely cursing my own ominous body, and I do not regret the occurrence of this. If our relationship is really discovered only because of my initiative, then I can easily eliminate it. Nothing is as if it were not the case, such a thing, neither I can do it nor he can do it, between us, there is an irresistible potential to drive us forward, so that we can not delay in moving forward with each other. Before we ourselves could realize it to each other, there was an immovable root in between. We now have to curse how this poisonous arrow has hit our hearts, and where is it possible for us to escape from this force?
Three
Ever since my affairs were known, my state of mind changed immediately, and I was bound by doubts in the midst of my pain. Although I knew that this matter would have to be known sooner or later, and I had a fear of the future in my heart from time to time, when Berry Zhen did not leave, or occasionally remembered one or two dreams of the past, in the sadness of my layers, I would sometimes pick up a trace of happiness. However, now it is difficult to say, although I am not willing to sink into sighs, but how to force a smile and masturbate, this great gap, in the end, can not be hidden by a little thin self-decoration. I have always been praised at home for being sociable and adaptable to the environment, so they like to get together with me to talk and laugh in their spare time, but how can I be with them now? Although they did not even mention the matter of the raspberry in front of me, those two eyes had clearly presented my hidden affairs to me with a cloak of contempt; although they did not bother me, they were only enough for me to bear. I don't understand why I see them now, I'm always a little self-satisfied, a little scared!
Today, Berry Zhen's sister-in-law came upstairs, smiled and said to me, Berry Zhen is older, the family is very worried about him, asked me if I have a suitable friend or student, introduce one to him. His sister-in-law is extremely alert, good at words, many words that cannot be said in other people, but she can say it desperately, I usually see her has felt a little difficult to deal with, but I still have no words in her mouth, so I can still be compared with her cunning, since my affairs were known to them, I am very afraid to talk to her, and it is she who makes me feel the most difficult. Every time she said something very intolerable to me in front of everyone, I had to ignore it every time because her words were too strong and scrupulous, but because of this, she became more and more ambitious. When she came upstairs today, I knew that she was going to mock me again, and sure enough, she said it. Her intention in saying this is so obvious that I know without thinking about it that she is only trying to mock me, but what can I tell her? What can I reply to all that this has added to me, other than to bear it wordlessly?
In fact, I did not have the slightest fear of the discovery of this matter, Hugh said that these few unrelated people knew, even if the closest respected students knew, why should I be afraid? If I had been afraid of this, I would have eliminated her long ago when the bud sprouted out of the ground, and I had the audacity to grow it, which is evidence that I did not care about anything. As for now I am talking about people, so I have to be a little withdrawn to let the avoiders really have no pain. Berry Zhen is now only a young man in school, because of my reasons he has already picked up a lot of troubles, if I am now not willing to be ridiculed by others, or for the sake of the light of love and defense, resolutely rise up to lift all obstacles, the beginning and end of the matter to Jingsheng to explain clearly, then although I can win the water, no longer suffer from indefinite suffering upside down, but it is inevitable that more tired Berry Zhen. After Jingsheng knew about it, he must make very serious representations about this matter, which can be asserted. Although Berry Zhen and I did not have any sea oath mountain alliance, but when I was in danger, he must fight to help, and even if I did not have any difficulties at that time, when things turned upside down, our interest was completely unassailable. I was a useless mutilated body, and I had no regrets for sacrificing him, but it would be a pity if his brilliant youth and glory were to be ruined because of this incident. For this matter, in order not to make a rising wonder wither because of me, so although I usually refuse to let people take a step, at this time, for everything that has been thrown at me, I have no choice but to imitate the lamb on the cross, tearlessly and speechlessly, looking up and bearing it! Everything was my fault, and how could it have happened without me. I am insulted for my sins, this is not the punishment I deserve, I am sorry that I have no room for atonement, I am a coward who has escaped!
Wrote a letter to Berry Zhen advising him not to grieve that our affairs were known. This is something that should not be hidden, it is something that should be proclaimed to the nations by wearing a crown of honor on the top of the peak, and all the people will rejoice in our hands when they hear it. It is as if under the shackles of thousands of years of traditional forces, in a little bit of true love cut by the masquerade of etiquette, people's hearts finally dare not burst out of this wisp of true spirit!
The lush fruit bushes have passed through the warm and delicate autumn sun, and the tired Huashi must be presented without concealment, and this is also our business, which is the manifestation of natural maturity, so why should we worry!
Four
The last time I wrote a letter to Berry Zhen, and later i wrote another one, it has been more than a month and I have not been able to recover it, which really makes me anxious, and I can't eat peacefully. Why hasn't he replied? No matter how heavy the schoolwork is, it can always be withdrawn when writing a letter; dare I lose my letter halfway through? But even if he didn't get my letter, he should have written to me for the rest of the month. If he had not believed in such a long time now, was he really depressed and sick, and he was so entangled in his sickbed that he could not write a book? Recently, although the people in the family have been a little more at ease with me and no longer entangled like that, but the big mistake has been made, our things are no longer comparable to the past, and it is impossible to dream of seeking the same joy as before. I am for this matter, the mood has become more and more bored lately, plus the berry proverbs such a long time without letters, cup bow snake shadow, city tiger sand, really make me worry a lot, really doubt this or brewing future changes! Oh, why didn't he believe it? Even if he is really sick, he should ask someone to write an envelope and send me a blank page, how can he just be so unheard of!
When the berry proverb first left home, the daffodils in my pot had just bloomed, and now there was only an empty pot left on the shelf, and this thin-lived remnant flower was being thrown away by someone, and it had arrived somewhere! Behind the house, the grass has been re-draped in light green new clothes, and it has gradually invaded the winding mountain path. I sit in my room every day, from the small window behind the bed, alone against this beautiful mountain color, the spring breeze carries the fragrance of flowers and the evaporation of the earth, from time to time from the window into my nose, reminding me of the problems contained in my heart, I can't help but curse this magnificent scene! Ahhh! At this time, if I am a deeply resentful woman who is a penitent husband and wife looking for a marquis, seeing this strange spring color, and remembering the old joys, I can simply squeeze the moth all day, go upstairs for a long sigh, win the pity of everyone, and the crowd will come to comfort me. As I am now, my titular husband is beside me all day; the shadow of love in my heart has to dwell in my heart, and I remember that I can only sob in secret! Not only can I not speak to people in the light, but I am afraid that I will tell the shamelessness of the people who want to rebuke me, and the arrogance of me. Ahhh! Who doesn't have his secrets? Who doesn't have her ideal lover? What a sin I have committed! What is there that I can't say to people! Why are you just waiting for me like this, trying to take advantage of me?
Man's mouth is so powerful, and now, apart from the honorifics, all those who meet with us from time to time know our business. I don't have to hide my affairs, especially for them who have nothing to do with them, but unfortunately, after they know me, they can't do what I know, and every time they have all kinds of contemptuous hearts, thinking that it is a shameful act to carry such a thing behind my husband's back, in fact, I really don't know that this fruit is shameful! What does chastity in ritual have to do with the fruit of love on Cupid's arrows? Ran Jingsheng didn't know about this now, and this was my happiness after all. When I say this, it is not that I am afraid of being known, but because this matter has not yet been completely known to him, and now if I find out to him, not only will my plan be completely broken, but it will also be more tired of the young berry's life, and it will only increase my many sins that are inexoneable, so I will continue to survive, and my intentions will be different. Recently, several people have sarcastically told me that I was cunning, that I was in my trap, that I was seeking spiritual love for one person and at the same time enjoying the material well-being of others. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Am I a Parisian woman who sees love as a child's play? Am I a wandering girl in the midst of prosperity? I endure humiliation and shame, and I rest under the nurturers who are inseparable from me, and I am like a needle and a felt, and I have not forgotten for a moment. However, I thought of the fledgling berry proverb, and I did not dare to try to do it lightly, and I finally had to endure the insult and swallow for a while.
Berry Zhen did not believe it, it really made me lazy to do anything, I was really held by him, and there was no moment of peace in my heart. Why didn't he believe it? He should not have been so long without faith, even if he was really ill he could make a simple letter to me, and now that there has been no news for such a long time, I cannot guess what kind of situation he is in now. He never forgot himself, nor was he forbidden to write letters, but why did I not get his letters every day in the kiln shop on the wall for the rest of the month? I have been greatly devastated by the fact that I have been known for our affairs, and now I feel even more anxious because he has not believed to me for such a long time, and my nerves have gradually lost their normality: there is an obstruction in my chest, and although I try my best not to let people know, I sometimes unconsciously reveal my heart. Yesterday I was idly looking down on the veranda, and the sister-in-law of the berry proverb took a red egg from below and said to me, "Look, what a big red bean!" "I know the intention of her speech, but my business is over, and who am I afraid of?"
Five
I haven't written this book for more than a month, and when I last wrote it, I never imagined that this time I would be lying on my pillow. There was an unexpected storm in the sky, and I really couldn't imagine that I would suddenly get sick! When my illness began, I can't count now, I just feel that day by day, my sick life is nearly twenty years old. The small window is deeply locked, the long day is heavy, and the spring rain is desolate, which makes me unable to stop reading the proverbs that have not been information for a long time! Although I can't find out the period of my illness at this time, I know the origin of the illness, and I know that the rejuvenation medicine for healing my illness is only a lonely bird on the sea; if the blue bird does not come, I am afraid that I will not be able to get myself in the end!
Since my illness, my nerves have been very weak, and I have slept very little, that is, I have occasionally fallen asleep, and I have always been disturbed by unprovoked nightmares. In my dreams, I either saw Berry Zhen alone in his residence in Shanghai, or I felt that I was a servant on the road to seek a lawyer; all kinds of things that had no shadow in my mind when I woke up would also be discovered in my dreams; every time I was awakened, I could not stop sighing, and when they were watching me in the room, they heard my sighs, and always had to smile and ask me what I had encountered in my dreams. Really, they seem to have been very attentive to my unintentional behavior lately, and every time several people come into the room together, ask about my medical condition, and then look at each other's faces, as if they want to testify with what they are saying outside; on several occasions I have heard their whispers outside, although lying on the bed I cannot know what they are talking about, but it is possible to assert that it is there to talk about me. In fact, my affairs and the reason for my illness, which of them do not know? I'm not avoiding anything now, so why bother hiding their heads like this!
Although ten days ago, Jingsheng had moved to another room to live, but there were too many people in the room, and I could not only write this book, but I did not even read it. I had to take advantage of this moment now, this moment of dawn, when they were all sleeping soundly because of the hardships of the day, when I dared to take this booklet from my fitting coat, borrow the glimmer of light from the small window behind the bed, and write crookedly on the pillow. I don't know what use I have for writing these fruits, but this is our appointment; Berry Proverbs told me that every time I take a pen and scribble, he also tells me to write down what I think of, and I do as he asks. My heart was really full of words that were about to come out, but there was no one to say, so I had to simply move all the way to this paper.
Wind and rain, spring is quiet, such weather is not suitable for patients, especially for me, a non-sick patient. I lay in bed all day, smelling the wind and rain in my ears, and all I saw were women who were pregnant with me, although I did not want to trouble myself, sometimes I could not. Every time they come in recent days to ask me, there is always a suspicious color on their faces, and the same is true of Jingsheng. He once said to me, "Rest assured, don't be anxious, and rest in peace for a few days, don't think about anything; relax your heart, and any illness will always be fine." Although this is an ordinary comforting word for ordinary patients, it came from his mouth, and my humble people listened, not to the point but the wind, always feeling that it was done. He didn't know anything about me, but I always felt a little uneasy.
This small building was tightly closed, and I could not see the tearful flowers or hear the sound of the returning crane, so I had to leave this sick body on the bed, and simply let the soul pick up the broken wings and go to the fantasy land to invite the tourist. However, as soon as I thought of the berry proverb that had not been information for a long time, my wandering soul, like a bird that could not withstand the wind and rain outside the window, immediately fell from space to the terrible bottom of the abyss! He did not believe in me for such a long time that I did not dare to think about it anymore, nor could I stop making useless speculations; if he and I were only in a relationship that was immediate and ambiguous, then he did not believe it for such a long time, I can suspect that he was rejecting me. The sadness of lost love is actually better than the upside-down suspension of not knowing whether it is sadness or joy! It's not like he's not. We will never forget each other, but why did he not believe in him for so long? Scold! This question, this puzzle, this inexplicable bitterness!
Although I have been ill for nearly twenty days, not only can I not find out the period when I was sick, but I also do not think that I am sick. The doctor came, although he diagnosed me with a tired calf's condition, a series of symptoms, but if I was really sick, how could this be the bark of the grass roots, and one or two bottles of potion could work? Not only did I not realize that I was sick, but sometimes I thought of something else in bed, and when I thought that if the berry proverb was next to me at this time, I felt that I could still get up and laugh or go downstairs. But when I want to realize my ideals and accidentally want to lift my body slightly, it is the complete opposite. Not only can I not sit up, I can't even sit up now when I want to turn the other side because I write acid on this side. Since the beginning of the day, I myself have realized that the so-called sick people, in addition to eating very little and often vomiting in their chests, are only weak, but in fact, my mind and body are still strong. I remembered the twilight of the rain and the smoke, and I was eager to get up and look at it, but I couldn't sit up. I had been studying medicine for a few years, and I had detected my own symptoms.
Six
Hehe! Although I can write and write at this time, I always wonder that it is not me who is here, and I have long since lost nowhere in nirvana. Ordinary crazy people are people who think he is crazy and he himself does not feel it, and although no one says that I am crazy at this time, I myself really have no ability to control this nerve anymore. Until this time, I remembered the scene of last night, I was like in a suffocating mine, there was no possibility of breathing again. All I saw was an empty darkness, and I had vanished all my feelings. Although I know that I cannot have a few more days in this world, but before I have survived, the thunderbolt under this lamp will always be filled with cells and fibers in my whole body,—— and after my sudden death, my bones have been ashes, and if a person who has good things uses the double visual eye to discern, I know that he must be able to see the pictures in this pile of dead cold ashes, and they are all impressions about this matter.
Ahhh! How am I going to write about it? Although I remember this matter clearly and clearly, at this time my heart is like the ruins of the village after the disaster, and where will I start from this thousand strands of sorrow? Although I was blind to this time, my heart ached. I don't know if the effect of this heartache really originated in the atrium of Si Blood's heart, if I didn't think badly, I knew that if I cut my chest open at this time, the blood would be full of blood, and the broken pieces of flesh of my fist would probably already be covered with holes!
But the bone is in the throat, and I can't help but throw up. If I don't write down such a thing, I really fail to live up to the original intention of my book. Well, wait for me to suppress my sorrow and write about this dreamlike wonderland!
These days, because I am slightly better, the women who take care of me only accompany me in the room during the day, and at night they go downstairs or at home to sleep, this huge room, only I am quietly facing the dim lone lamp and the silent night silence. Every night I lay on my side on the bed, looking at the roses that were hand-painted to me by the berry proverbs hanging between the walls, the white petals, the pale red bands, which aroused many beautiful dreams and feelings of old age. Last night, at nearly eleven o'clock, I was awake on my back in bed, looking at the mystery that Berry Zhen had not believed for a long time, when I overheard the door pivot ringing slightly, and when I opened my eyes, I saw Jingsheng walk in. Since I was sick, I was impatient to see him, so he didn't often come in, last night I saw him suddenly after the people were quiet, I expected to smell my sigh and come to comfort me, but when he walked in, he sat down on the edge of the bed, smiled and said to me: "Hui! I'll show you something. After saying this, he took it with his hand into the pocket of his underwear. I thought he must have bought some decorations outside again, and we laughed at his intentions to throw at me, but what he pulled out was a very heavy envelope! Oh my goodness! When the tragedy came, as soon as I saw this envelope, my eyes immediately went black, as if I had fallen from a cliff of a thousand feet. I had lost all the sensations, and I melted the body of the stone and stood straight on the bed without trying to move. This letter was obviously sent to the berry in the mailbox by me, but how did it get into his hand? I was stunned, and until he continued to take out three more letters from his bag, I did not say a word, did not move for a moment, but my body had changed from a static state to a trembling state. When he saw that I was fighting so hard that the bedposts were shaking, he said to me very steadily, "Hui, don't be afraid, don't be shocked, I already know about you." The four letters here, two from him and two from you, are now in my hands. I have no authority to interfere with what you do, but you shouldn't hide it from me. I thought I wouldn't know that you despised me too much!" Now I know everything; I know very well that in your box there are many objects about you. You don't have to hesitate, you can give me the key and let me examine it. Rest assured, I will never embarrass you. When mortals encounter a sudden accident, there are only two attitudes to be taken: one is to resist, not to ask questions, the interests are reasonable, and just to argue; the other is to be calm, only to maintain the attitude of stopping the water, to see what things will look like. Unfortunately, I actually took the attitude of the latter for this incident. I was speechless, and only lazily took the key from under the pillow and gave it to him. Fortunately, there were no drastic moves at that time, otherwise I would have made a mistake for a while, and I am afraid that I would not even have the opportunity to think back now. After handing him the key, I stood up on the bed, saw him unlock it, and took out a heavy paper bag from the box, and although I wanted to stop it, my body was unable to move. Inside, there are the letters that Berry Zhen had given me before, and a diary he had written by hand, and a half-portrait of his body. After he took out the paper bag, he examined it one by one on a table a little farther from the bed; he glanced at the little caretaker, turned the diary a few pages, and then pulled out the letters one by one. The number of these letters, a total of fifty-seven, was condensed by the painstaking efforts of the berry proverb in the past three years, the paper color was either light red, some were light blue, and several of them were painted by him with the same shrinking twin hearts and many beautiful patterns around him. After he looked over the letters one by one, he wrapped them up again, held them in his hands and said to me, "Hui, I will not disturb you anymore." Rest assured, rest in peace. I will now take the letter and look at it, and I will not embarrass you. After saying that, he didn't wait for me to answer, and went straight away.
This happened only two moments later, and I never opened a word; his voice was extremely low, everything was in a trance, and if I had not seen that the key was no longer under the pillow, I would have suspected that I was in a dream. After he left, everything in the room returned to tranquility, but the lights dimmed a lot due to less oil; but in this space, there was already a great upheaval lurking behind this scene, and Ren was the reincarnation of the emperor, refining tens of thousands of square five quarrying stones, only I was afraid that I would return to the sky and lack of skill, and finally I could not remedy it!
At this moment, the dawn of genius, everything in Vientiane is still in a silent sleep. Although such a drama happened last night, the only people in the world who know about this matter, except for the god of the night with the same light, are probably only me and Jingsheng, but after a few days, I am afraid that this matter will not go away. At this moment, my heart is extremely peaceful about the occurrence of this matter, and I am not sad and depressed, and now that the obstacles have been removed, any problem can be solved, and I have suddenly released the doubts that Berry Zhen has not believed for a long time.
How did Jingsheng know about us? Although I now know how he can get our faith, I can't think of how he would know about it! The few letters I had hidden, I was forbidden and locked in a box, he had never seen it before; usually I was in front of him about the berry proverb, I was extremely guarded, never showed a flaw, I really did not understand how he really knew! - Ahhh! I'm stupid! I'm really in a dream! I don't know when this self-bound silkworm will wake up! Who are the people who love each other? Who doesn't take pleasure in seeing their fellow people in desperate situations? They all know my business, who is the silent golden man, how strange can I know! This must have been one of them who secretly told Jingsheng that he was working in the post office, and after he learned about it. It is only necessary to instruct the letter inspectors in the bureau to send all the letters received from the mailboxes of so-and-so in this port to Shanghai, and the letters sent from Shanghai to deliver to the boundaries of so-and-so in this port, one by one, to him for review, so that our letters that share our fate will naturally reach his palm like turtles in an urn. In our letters, there are always things that can only be read by the two of us and cannot be known to a third person, but now we have given him to know, which is really a little too mischievous! Although I should not have the leisure to think about it, because I was in a very quiet spirit at this time, I remembered this nearly comical action, and I could not help but laugh.
Really, my heart is very quiet at this time, not chaotic. Although I knew that this matter was extremely important and could not be destroyed in a flash like a cloud of smoke, I was very calm in my heart and did not harbor terror about everything in the future. The death row prisoner was only standing in the defendant's column, listening to the judge read the verdict on it, his heart was extremely anxious, and after the verdict was read, he knew that what he had sentenced was nothing more than a desperate death sentence, and his attitude was very quiet, because the world's affairs were the most uncomfortable, because the world's affairs were the most uncomfortable, and although the results were different after they were revealed, the problems were solved, the problems had disappeared, and although there was still the pain of the new life, the heart was always more relieved than before. I was in a very stable spirit at this time, which is probably the manifestation of this mood. Jingsheng once said that he would never be embarrassed with me, and I don't know whether this was his true intention or the ornament, but this happened among us, although we ourselves did not want to find trouble, but we were in the same bed and dreamed, and each was pregnant with a ghost fetus, such a situation is not a long situation that can be asserted. In fact, I am not paying attention to myself now, and if there is any change in things after the cover, my judgment has been decided, and it is expected that there can be no worse than the current situation. Just about the question of berry proverbs, I'm a little worried. If Jingsheng could really hide his words, it would be something I would most like to do, and if he actually negotiated with Berry Zhen's family and led to legal entanglements, how could Berry Zhen, as a depressed young man, withstand such twists and turns? If he had made some emotional moves, then even if I had killed myself in gratitude, I would not have been able to save this unsoneable sin. Since the matter between me and Berry Zhen was discovered by Jingsheng, I should have used this to propose to him... (I really don't have the courage to write this word, I don't know how I am cowardly and decisive in the face of things, why I can't change it so far!) After that, the sea and the sky are wide, and I can let me soar as I wish, but this move is probably still inevitable to lead the berry to the whirlpool, then my ambition is still inevitably failed, so at this time I dare not come out of this. At this time, as long as I can have a way not to make the berry proverb suffer from me, I am really willing to do anything wronged! If Jingsheng can tolerate it without punishment, can I endure the insults and serve him again, lest he refuse to be willing?
I wonder if death can help us? If after I die, if I can make the life of the worship because I am dead, and if the berry proverb can also stop thinking from now on, I will die as well. This will have to be said for a few days. If things were really irreparable, I would have to do this. I did this not because I was afraid of death, but because I knew that if I died, he would have no intention of dying when the news reached Berry Zhen's ears.
Although I have been ill for nearly two months, I still cannot diagnose my illness if I do not feel any pain physically. I had been gagging every morning for a few days, and now I don't have it anymore. I now only feel that my breathing is very urgent, and sometimes the peritoneum is slightly unhappy like inflammation, and the other is the same as usual, but the spirit is very weak. The funniest thing is that yesterday, when things had not yet been discovered, Jingsheng had postponed another Westerner to come to see ,—— Jingsheng's patience was really rich, if he had not proposed it to me himself, I would never have guessed that he also knew about me - this doctor listened to my heart, he said that I seemed to be pregnant, which caused me to complain to Jingsheng, blaming him for how he found such a rash rice bag. At that time, I couldn't believe that he had four of my letters in his bag. At this moment, because of the results of a night of planning, and the reason why I have been lying on my side for too long, my mental strength is very weak, and I can't continue breathing, but in fact, this is only because I have been thinking about it for too long, so there is this phenomenon, if I can really gradually lose my breath, I will not cherry all the troubles from now on, but it is also what I am happy to ask for.
Dawn has opened, the sun will come out, and I don't know what kind of punishment will come to me!
Seven
Since He showed me the letter that night, he had not been in my room for five days. They were also suspicious of me these days, with every whisper and gesture. This is not a good phenomenon, I don't want to know deeply, but I don't know what they are going to do with me. But no matter what they do to me, I have nothing to fear, all I can worry about is that they may deceive me in my illness, and they are out in trouble with the berry, so that I am lying alone in bed, which is really nothing more than adding to my sins. Unfortunately, I am powerless now, otherwise I would have already looked for Jingsheng to solve this matter, and although I said that my heart was very quiet, this was only my attitude towards myself; if I mentioned Berry Proverbs, I was really in fear all the time.
Because of the result of these days of deep thinking, I really think that protecting the berry proverb is the only priority! I am the name of the broken, I am the body that has been defeated, it is really not enough for me to suffer some more insults and pain, only he has a great future with a pure body, if he is also covered with some dishonorable rumors, and he is considered to be ashamed of Mo Mao, then not only do I have to bear it because I love him, then as far as the word pity is concerned, I must also be uneasy, and his troubles are completely because of me, without me he is suffering nothing!
That night I was about to be too badly stabbed by the nerves, and I was in a drunken state, so my heart was not painful, and these few days the reflex effect has passed, and in retrospect in bed, it is really boring! I have been married for seven years, even if I promise to marry in front of the priest in the temple, but the mistake has been made, I can not be dead hearted to make good friends, but also self-suppressing feelings, at ease to be a good housewife, how can I easily lose the withered love to a pure youth? Although it is the birth of a love seedling, it is not something that human beings can avoid, but man may always be able to overcome the heavens, if I do not cocoon myself, why should I be like this? If I can get a little comfort and pleasure from it, it will not be worthy of this fate, but in the past three years, my own pain, external ridicule, has only increased, although sometimes I can break into laughter, but the mood has always been sad. Not only did I lose more, but I was also tired of suffering a clean soul! But now? My flower of sin is even more fully exposed! Since I have lost the face of my hypocrisy for seven years, and I have made my beloved more and more sad, what is my sin? I don't know what face I still have to breathe in this earthly air! I am afraid that death alone is not enough to purify my sins! Scold! I'm so sad to talk about these sins. This time, even if Jingsheng did not embarrass me, I remembered that I could not fight for the justice of love, and I really had no face to live again! I am the source of all sins and troubles, and I know that if I do not die, the anger of the gods will not be tolerated, and the troubles of the berry proverbs will not be extinguished; if I die, everything can be solved. Ah, how can I live again? I am the Lamb of Sin, and I am about to offer the burnt sacrifice of sacrifice!
I have decided that even if Jingsheng does not embarrass me or Berry Zhen, I will not bear to live for the rest of my life. It's a pity I can't act now, otherwise I would have committed suicide long ago. Fortunately, although my illness is still unchanged, I feel that my pulse is gradually weakening, my mental strength is weakening, and I am afraid that there is no hope of getting up. I can't kill myself, and let me be a natural thanks!
I don't know how many more days I will live, but in order for Jingsheng to discover this book after my death, I can know my intentions, I really have endless sorrows to complain about, only hate the cruel women, about to see me recently looking in a trance, to prevent me from committing suicide, even put away my bedside table exhibition, a knife to cut the pen, this pencil I have used my fingers to tear the pieces of wood several times, now although there are many words to write, I am afraid that I will not be able to write a few words.
Yes! Farewell, my pen, my beloved booklet! Please forgive me for wasting you and writing all these unfortunate words! I am now going to do the example of Jesus on the cross, gossiping, and I will bow my head and wait for the god in black to take him to a fiery hell. ......
Eight
Warm sunlight filled the table from the glass window, many delicate dust fluttered in the light, there was no sound around, and the winter afternoon was really quiet and lovely. I took this booklet out of my arms and turned it over to what I had written in my last illness, and the streamer was fleeting, and the interval between trances was now nearly eight months. I think about the last time, I'm really in a trance! In my sinful body, I should have died sooner, lest the murky air become more turbid, but I stole my life, and I knew that those who understood my affairs would surely laugh at my shamelessness in secret. In fact, I really have my unavoidable pain! - This book may not be able to stay with me forever, in case it is left behind and picked up, I know that no matter who reads it, it must have this feeling; instead of being laughed at in the unknown, I should take advantage of this to relive the old nostalgia and record the events that have passed in the past eight months, so as not to be cold-mouthed by passers-by! And I have a bad memory, this fragmentary text, or enough information for my future self-reflection. I have written that I will love the berry proverb thoroughly, and now I want to live secretly, just as I used to have a dead thought, precisely for the sake of loving him. Since I died to love him, I am now going to live for the love of him. Even if I look at this small sleeping thing on the bed, the drooping eyes, the open lips, the hands and feet moving slightly from time to time, as if the soul is dancing to the angel of the white feather in a dream, even if I feel the humiliation of this life, I dare not think of death anymore!
After I had decided to die in order to avoid the wrath of the berry brace during this spring's illness, I kept my eyes shut in bed all day, deliberately holding her breath so often that she could no longer be sad, and then breathed again, in the hope that I would achieve my cowardly chronic suicide. Someone came to ask me about the illness, I always shook my head without saying a word, when the medicine came, I also resisted death, and sure enough, in this way, the illness really worsened day by day, I had never had a fever, and later the thermostat was placed next to me, and the mercury would also burst forward. At that time, although my heart still understood, but the physical strength was extremely weak, the body could not be automatic at all in bed, and I was only forced to enter some nourishing drinks every day, and I really felt that the god of death was waiting next to my pillow, and all I had to do was to exercise his last authority. After a week like this, I was really angry, my fate was at stake, they were all worried about me, and it was about this time that I saw that I was sick and could not afford it, and knowing that I was for the reason of those letters, I moved my pity - I did not understand until this time, why he did not want to be embarrassed with me - in the middle of the night, he came to my room alone, in front of me, in front of me, burned all the letters in front of the bed, and after burning them, he said to me: "Hui, you are too small for me!" I have already told you that I will never be embarrassed with you, so how can you find trouble for yourself? You and I have been living together for seven years, and we still can't make you think of it, so why should I do anything that I can't measure up to? I know very well that it is these letters that are doing this to you now, so I have come to burn them all in front of you, and now the basis for this to prove this is ruined, which can prove that I have no intention of being embarrassed with you, and you can also rest assured that you can recuperate. I do not wish you to die, but you have your hope, you should not live lightly, I hope you are well recuperated, do not be suspicious of yourself, as long as there are no more things that make me very embarrassed after you are cured, I will not disturb you, but if you have sent him now, I will never relax the berry proverb - this little child, I really did not expect him to do this! You can always rest assured now, and I hope to recover well. "Since I had received this warning from him, I knew that he was not in trouble with me, and if I had to live lightly, I would be tired of the berry proverb, so I put away my dead thoughts and concentrated on recuperation, not daring to think about it again. Sure enough, a little spiritual platform was the lord of the whole body, and after I decided to dispel the thought of death, this mighty Shen He actually relied on the medicinal stone and the cultivation of his own mind, and he was completely unharmed. However, although the illness was finally cured, but the delayed time was quite a lot, when the peach blossoms had not fallen, I was still bedridden, and after I could act, the plum rain had passed, and the family was ge pei pu fan, quinoa horn dragon boat, preparing for the Duanyang Festival.
After I got better, I went back to business as usual, and Jingshengguo didn't mention anything to me, but it wasn't the same attitude I had before. I also found out from the people downstairs that Berry Zhen was still safe in Shanghai, and he probably didn't know about this time! Unexpectedly, at this moment, a wonderful miracle, god's authority, was revealed to me! Although I have studied medicine for several years, although I have vomited during my illness, the doctor has also diagnosed me or is pregnant, but I finally did not expect this to happen to me! I was cured in early May, and soon after I recovered, I felt that my abdomen was constantly moving, and the amount of food I had eaten drastically, and I was already suspicious, but I still did not dare to believe that my body had undergone physiological changes, and I knew that this was really not fictional. Sure enough, since then, day by day, it has matured, and everyone knows it; before january, in the middle of a cold night, this innocent little creature has croaked and truly appeared.
The composition of a baby, even if the father has an equal relationship with the mother, cannot understand, and the only one who knows its source is the omniscient God and the child's birth mother. After this little thing was produced, although the crowd congratulated Yu Jingsheng in unison, it became clear which one besides God and me were the ones in the place where this fountain of life originated? Damn me, if there hasn't been a physical relationship with Berry Proverbs, then I don't have to say much, just as we don't.
Yes! O daughter of the Yan clan on the hill of Nichu, you Mary in the city of Bethlehem! Although none of you know the source of your little life, I am not, and I know everything. I know how the flowers bud, and I know how the fruits ripen! - Ah! I sin! I'm so bold! I'm more arrogant than you!" I've blasphemed you!" You are all holy virgins, and you all have great descendants who have rebuilt their glorious glory in your humiliation! But what about me? I am just a trampled flower, I am only a defiled white wall; although I dare not foresee the future of this little life, he has already experienced the pressure of sorrow and tasted the taste of medicinal stones before he saw the world, and these are clearly the symbols of his future life! How dare I compare to you? What are my hopes for the future? For the rest of my life, I am afraid that I can only endure humiliation and shame, and I will always rest under the adopters who cannot live separately from me, right?
Although the child came, although it was not what I hoped, although it increased my shame about love, but since he came, I could not suppress my feelings as a mother, and I could not help but love him. He is truly a confluence of sorrow and joy in our painful relationships! His long, pointed cheeks and crying temperament, although he had only lived for less than two months, had already shown the characteristics of his fatherly body. Every time I picked it up, I couldn't help but think of the face of the berry proverb! At this time, Fang Zhen was far away in the end of the world, and he might know indirectly about my illness in the future, and as for the relationship between the appearance of the child and him, before I had the opportunity to sue him, he would not have expected it in his dreams. I don't know how he would feel if he knew. It was also a surprise that a few days of entertainment left this trace on the human world. The child is still in his infancy, and when he grows up, I must let him know our deeds, but I am afraid that my body that is on the verge of changing may not be able to wait for his growth, and if I really die when he does not know the quinoa, I am afraid that in this world I will add another person who does not know his origin.
Although Jingsheng really did not mention the past to me according to the covenant, since this incident, we have had our own mustards in our hearts, and we have invisibly created a gap between each other. Although we were not very kind before, now we cannot even get this superficial maneuver. We just got along very plainly every day; in the morning he went out to work, and although I was doing some chores at home, I didn't say much when I came back at night, and there was no discussion of any matter, and sometimes he stayed up all night or returned until dawn. I used to ask him questions when he came back late, but now I don't mention anything. It is not easy for two people who are not like each other and have their own thoughts and plans in their hearts, and it is not easy to live together in peace, what else can we hope for? I swallowed the insults and did not want to be separated from him, I really had my grievances. I am really for the sake of the berry, I don't know if he is willing to get along like this, what happened! After the child gave birth, he was not very happy, and he may have doubts about this matter, but it is not easy to say. However, we are not such a long-term solution, nor is it my wish, only wait for the berry proverb wings to dry up a little, and when things happen and do not tire him, I will finally put forward it.
Since I fell ill due to physiological changes, the mind and body are very lazy, this book has not been written for a long time, the child is even more powerful after the birth, every day is only silently used to serve the baby, do not talk to people, but from time to time will be pregnant with the berry proverb, after recalling every time can not help but lead to a nostalgic sadness, but it is no longer as excited as before. Really, since the last incident, I no longer feel sad in my heart, but Mu Muran occasionally or a little moved, which is probably because the stimulation is too deep, my soul has disappeared from the sensitivity, and gradually returned to the original reason of numbness. However, as long as I still have a breath, I am always not willing to live this nurturing life, as long as I can have a little self-confidence ability, for the sake of love loyalty, I will eventually get rid of it. Some people suspect that since I have undergone this change, or I have lost my heart and lost my mind, I have forgotten the deep promise, but in fact, I have not forgotten it for a day, I just wait for the opportunity.
Nine
Cruel and selfish warlords, for the sake of turf, the wind and clouds are tight these days. This place has favorable mountains and rivers, water and land to rush, there are golden mountains in negative corners, there are dangerous northern solids, and it is a place where soldiers and families must fight, and if the war is inspired, I am afraid that it will inevitably be robbed in the end. In a time of crisis, for the sake of safety, I decided to take my children and avoid going to Shanghai, and it is unknown that Berry Zhen would not be suitable for him at that time, or that he could use this to meet him. It's just that this is exactly what I want in my private heart, and I'm afraid that I may not be able to achieve it in the end, right? If it is realized, it is not a dream to meet again in the heavenly world. I don't know how he will feel when he knows what I have to do and see this child! ......
One nine... In the early winter, due to the impact of the war, the economic resources everywhere were exhausted, so I was trapped in Shanghai alone, and there was no way to call for help, so I had to rely on the pawn to survive. I took a few neat pieces of clothing, and I had to sell my beloved books. I chose to sell the magnificent, huge volume first, the first time selling the Oxford version of the complete tragedy of Sheakspare, followed by the poetry of Milton, which is also the leather-rimmed gold, and then my beloved Byron, Shelley, Keats, Wilde, Beardsley, and Baudelaire all separated from me. However, because I am not good at trading, the people on the old goods stall at the door do not know the reason for the goods, always can not sell the price, not a triangular book, or two copies of the five corners, poor only a few steamed buns, a few pieces of beef, not a few days, my astringent sac has long been empty. On a gloomy and cold afternoon, I was waiting for money to send a letter, so I blackmailed a copy of the Modern Library's Book of Dawson's poetry and called a familiar old-fashioned man at the door to trade with him. His basket had always been empty bottles and trash, worn-out shoes, and so on, and few books were seen, but this time in the basket behind him, I found a black leather hardcover, like a pocket Bible-like pamphlet. At first, I thought that it was also a book sold, but I was very moved by the idea of pity for the same disease, so I picked up the book and wanted to know the honorable name of this person who was also a fallen man in the end of the world. I asked him where he got it from, and he told me that he had accidentally picked it up in the morning on the side of the road near the station, and he said that he thought it was a wallet at first! At that time, out of curiosity, I negotiated with him, took the price of the two dimes of the book I deserved, took six copper dollars less, and made this book as a counterpoint. I came back at night and lit candles, and in the dim light, I read the book page by page. The first page of the book depicts a torn heart and a withered rose, and below it is a line written in English as "The gift of Lover", and the handwriting inside is mostly pens, but some of it is written in pencil. I sat for two hours, delayed the dinner time of my three steamed buns, and read them in one breath; only to learn that this was a woman's manual, which described her own euphemistic encounter.
What is recorded above is the original text in this book, word for word, except that what she originally wrote on different days was separated by symbols, and I was prone to numbers.
This woman's position was indeed very bitter. She seems to want to keep her love for her lover while not wanting to be separated from her husband. She did so, and she had already made it clear that it was not for the sake of coveting material pleasures; presumably the reason why she was reluctant to separate, as she herself said in another verse, was for her own inadequacy and to beware of the fact that she was tired of her lover. But she was really bitter! Before her husband discovered it, she perfunctorily concealed that it was easy, and now that her husband knew about her, she could still get along, although her husband himself did not want to be embarrassed with her, but the situation in which she was difficult to deal with was already conceivable. Thinking that she was sleeping with such a person every day, and lying on her side was such a child, what she wanted to see in her dreams, no one except God really knew! And the outcome of such a thing will be uncertain if no one can determine it.
The sorrow of modern man is only in doubt and bitterness, so there are abnormal and perverted actions. This woman, at the middle age, suddenly fell in love with a young man, the action is very strange, after the discovery of the matter, she is under the relationship of the triangle, and she looks at the left and the right, without any decision, we try to see what she remembers, sometimes the mood is very quiet, sometimes very sad, sometimes to commit suicide, sometimes willing to endure humiliation, hesitant, although it can not be said that she can be a modern part of the symbol of the woman under the pain of love, but at least always with a little bit of the color of the disease of the century. She had said that this book might not be able to stay with her for a long time, but now it was really out of her pocket.
In the diagonal clip at the back of the book, I found another letter, which she had signed with a proverb, thinking it was the handwriting of her Melandholy-faced lover. The tone of the letter seems to have been written after the meeting, and around this time the scourge of war was reborn, and the place where the woman lived was also burned by the soldiers, and the last hope written in her book was really realized.
Here's the letter:
My dear,
Although you will return to your former home in a day or two, I do not have any regrets about this parting at this time. Under the accumulation of this kind of etiquette, under the organization of this society, we are such a relationship, and things are like this, and it is beyond my hopes to have such a small gathering, although this hasty number of faces cannot cure my spiritual wounds in case, but I am really grateful, how dare I hope to think again?
Although our history is only three years, but in these three years, I don't know how many times the mulberry field has been handed over, and I think of the situation of our first love, and I am like a dead world. These three years have really consumed half of my life! But the little pain I have received, compared to the weight you have suffered, is the same as that of Tarzan and The Feather. Three years ago, you feasted and laughed, and had no trouble, but now you have lost the reputation of a good wife, and you have been humiliated by idleness, and others do not accuse me of having been wrongfully loved by you for three years, but they accuse you of framing a young man; all the mouths are clustered on you, and they are against me, the culprit, and the source of all troubles is at sea. Although their blindness is their own mistake, it is even more painful for you and increases my sins. Really, you said that you hurt me, but in fact, everything is my sin! I'm tired of you! Without me, the sinner who destroys happiness, how could the crown of honor in your family be thrown to the ground? I have suffered your love has been very sinful, and for three years the book has been unsalty, and it has borne many of your expectations; when you meet this time, I have been amazed that I have added a lot of gray hair, in fact, my spiritual decline is even more than this, I am afraid that I am depressed for the rest of my life, I can no longer withstand the carving of the autumn wind, your heart and blood are afraid that it will always be wasted, and your hopes for me will be in vain!
The arrival of the child surprised me, and in fact, I added a deep wound to my intense pain, and added an indelible ironclad evidence to my convicted crime! I was mentally tired of you, but I did not expect that our trance-like pleasures for a few days would cause you to be punished by the flesh again. People say that children are the crystallization of love, and in my opinion, it is really a manifestation of my sin! I remembered that because of my reasons, I had made an innocent life fall to the ground and was misrepresented by the world; that a loving mother was also humiliated and did not dare to point out her biological father, and I was really overwhelmed by the tears of the intrigument and could no longer write! I couldn't imagine that A twenty-year-old, sinful young man who had achieved nothing could secretly become a Pastard biological father!
When you came to Shanghai, my sister-in-law had already told me everything about you in a sarcastic manner. I got the news that I had lost my mutilated body and soul. I tried to kill myself several times, but I stopped because I hadn't done the next thing for you in the world. Otherwise, I'm afraid that when you come this time, you will have to look for my unmarked white bones in the pile of righteous tombs! Jingsheng did not embarrass us this time, which is really what I am most grateful to him for, and I hope that you will get along with him well in the future. At this time, I can no longer bear to mention the word of love, for the sake of love, I have pushed the person who loves me into the thorns, how dare I regenerate Si Yi?
I don't write anymore, what do I have to write? What can I write about? We're already like that, I really don't have to write more! Even though we have written thousands of books and written the rest of our lives of blood and tears, how can we make up for our suffering? What help does it help us in the destiny we have forged? But it only adds to your pain! How can I bear to add to my irredeemable sins?
After our farewell this time, when we will see each other again in heaven and on earth, I really dare not predict, but I am afraid that it will be as you said, or the last time, I do not know. But what do I dare to hope for? In this life, I really have nothing to remember except to take you as the goal and endure the pain to do something to commemorate you, so as to realize your little hope!
Farewell, my dear! After going back this time, I hope you will get along with him well, look down on your children, cherish the future, don't think of me, I will not fail you.
God forgives me that we may meet in the future at the end of heaven and earth before the throne of His judgment.
Your proverbs
Shanghai on the night of March 4, 1925
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