My name is Qi Lixia and I was born in the countryside of Lankao, Kaifeng, Henan. Many people will call me "Mulan", and I like the name "Mulan". Every time I introduce myself, I will say: "I am Mulan Lixia, Mulan is the abbreviation of the institution, Lixia is my name, you can call me Mulan, you can also call me Lixia." ”
Since Mulan was officially established in 2010, I have eaten, lived and slept in any of Mulan's activity centers, which is a very important ten years of my life. Mulan is like a child of mine, and it is like another reborn me.
Mulan is launching the "I want to sing loudly" monthly donation program, welcome to scan the code to support
Unwilling, let me become the "show talent" in the village
When we were born, my grandmother was the "family" of the family, especially son preference. As soon as my sister and I were born, she said to the neighbors, "Oh, it's two girls!" ”。 But my parents still love us, although the conditions are very difficult, I still have one more opportunity to read than most girls in the same era, so that I have the possibility of going far away.
In the 80s, girls graduated from junior high school, and their family conditions were good, and their parents were relatively enlightened. At that time, secondary schools and middle school divisions could be assigned jobs, the so-called "iron rice bowl". Most of the daughters with good grades have chosen secondary school or secondary school teachers. My parents also hope that my sister and I will apply for secondary school or secondary school teacher, bring them some glory, and have their own way out. But I was not reconciled, especially wanted to go to high school, go to college, so I secretly applied for the county no. 1 middle school, and then told them that I applied for a secondary school. County No. 1 Middle School is the highest school in the eyes of the villagers, and children who enter the County No. 1 Middle School will be called "Xiucai" and "Half a College Student". Girls have very little support from their families to study.
Sunflowers growing in the sun in a gray and dark environment, Lixia photography
When the notice came down from the county no. 1 Middle School, I made up a second lie and told them that I did apply for a secondary school, but the principal of the no. 1 Middle School wrote a letter asking him to make an exception and admit me. My parents didn't understand at all, and only said that I was careful. At that time, I was the only one in the family to study, and my parents said that there were three of us brothers and sisters, and whoever got the exam would be provided by my parents. They don't feel too much pressure. So I was praised as "half a college student" and sent to the county no. 1 Middle School.
Shortly after high school, a teacher gave us a lesson, and his teaching guide suddenly disappeared, thinking that we had taken it, and we lost our temper in the class and wanted to search for school bags. I said angrily no, and slapped the table with him, "You just don't have the right to search us, you don't have a search warrant." The teacher says our rights are sacrosanct! ”。 He was so angry that he left in a huff.
Not wanting to live numbly, I left my daughter
Later, I studied and worked, got married and had children, but when I became pregnant, I was not ready to be a mother. When she left her daughter, she was only three years old. Although I have a thousand reluctance, I am not at ease. But instead of yearning for a new life, I was still cruel enough to leave her to the old man.
When a woman is wandering in her ego and motherhood, where she should go is a dilemma. But from my own experience, I tend to choose self-growth and development first, and then take on the role of mother. What kind of mother to be and how to be a mother can be slowly learned in the process of growing up, and slowly can do better.
First of all, self-growth, in order to better assume the mother's job, picture source network
I left her and went to the far south, which I had never been to. It is because my spiritual world cannot find sustenance and warmth, and I cannot see the light of hope in my life. I was like walking in a foggy wilderness, without people with me, unable to see the direction, not feeling my own value. Even, I have to try to forget that I am a thoughtful person in order to get through the daily routine of a village woman and let me live numbly.
During this period, there was also a lot of social pressure. Some friends directly said that I "just take care of my birth and not care about maintenance", and relatives also advised me to go home and take care of my children: "You have not come back to take care of your daughter, you see her small hands and small face are frostbite!". I responded: "Frostbite is that the weather is too cold. Grandma took care of her so well and still had frostbite, and I would still get frostbite when I went back. "Although it is straight, it does not feel strong. But I feel that without my new life, there would be no good development for her in the future.
"I am Fan Yusu" wrote that "mothers who abandon their children are living with a heart that is dripping blood", and this sentence stung me. My heart has long since stopped dripping blood, but it has never healed. That unforgettable pain is still there, and any breeze-like stimulus will set off a monstrous wave of pain, and wave after wave, endlessly.
Stills from the female worker drama "Birth Chronicle", photographed by Li Hao
Reason for resignation: The factory is not suitable for me
It's October when I go south, and it's not too cold yet. As we watched the changing scenery all the way, we began to feel hot, and the people accompanying us undressed one by one, looking forward to the beauty of future life.
I had previously read a book written by a factory worker named "Anzi", called "Youth Station", which contained various life experiences of factory women workers. I especially wanted to emulate her and write the stories of myself and the workers around me. I wanted to start from the bottom of the assembly line, filled in the primary school graduation, and successfully became an ordinary assembly line worker.
For the first two or three months, I was a little different from the other workers in the factory. Good energy at the time. In the morning, when others were still asleep, I quietly got up, in the factory area where I could move freely, running and jumping, and memorizing Tang poems and song poems. At night, I record in a small notebook the conditions and things I observe on the workshop. Mixed-up co-workers would joke with me, "You're not too tired, are you an undercover writer?" ”。
This state of affairs did not last long, and soon caught up with overtime, working overtime every day. From 8 hours, to 11, 12 hours, the weekend is gone. The longest time, only half a day off was taken on the day of the salary payment. We all flew like birds to the town like a bird, walking through the streets and seeing the hustle and bustle. More people went to the post office and sent money back to their hometowns.
People dancing in the village of the city, Lixia photography
The most difficult thing is actually just entering the factory, bringing more than 300 yuan of money from home, we have to calculate every penny to spend, and it will soon run out. Winter in the south is cold and humid. We thought that the south was warm, the clothes we brought were not thick enough, and by about December, we could not withstand the cold, and it was a little windy and rainy, and it was freezing and shivering.
Living in this factory is too painful, the money is not earned much (the first month's salary is less than 300 yuan), people are tired and lose their dreams and motivation, and they are very depressed. I want to leave, and I can't go home. Finally, a friend said that the situation in Shenzhen is better, and we wanted to go to Shenzhen to see. At that time, the bottom employees left the factory, only "self-separation", that is, they took the initiative to leave the factory and could not get the salary of the last few months.
So hard-earned money, why can't you get your hands on it? Every day I chased after the class leader to resign. I told him, "You just have to give the resignation book, and the rest is my business." "In the end, I was so entangled that I couldn't do anything, and gave me a resignation book. The reason I wrote was "This factory is not for me, I'm leaving." "I've really had enough and am determined to leave, like leaving prison, never looking back.
Scavenger Old Man, Lixia Photography
We are a lot like "Mulan" and should be seen
After tossing and turning in the south for a few years, by chance, I became a volunteer of a public welfare organization, and then I saw the dawn in the darkness, thinking that I had found the meaning and direction of life, and also began to pay attention to the grassroots migrant workers. Later, I took my daughter to Beijing and opened "Mulan", which changed the direction of my life and her.
At that time, 4 women founded Magnolia Blossom together, and we were all migrant women, all concerned about the weaknesses, challenges and injustices faced by women, especially grassroots women. The final name of the agency was "Magnolia Blossom" because we believe that "Mulan" has many similarities with migrant women. They are all women, all are far from home, all are to support the family, and they have all made a great contribution to the country. The difference is that many of our sisters are forced to make such choices, not as proactive as Mulan; Mulan has a strong self, many of our sisters have no "self" and cannot even see themselves; and Mulan's contribution is praised, but the labor of the migrant sisters is often not seen.
Magnolias rooted in the village on the edge of the city bloom
When working on the factory assembly line, I felt that life was so dark that I could not find the meaning of survival. The long assembly line is filled with the blood and tears and despair of migrant female workers. My daughter and I both had experiences of staying behind and on the move, and we buried our respective hurts in our hearts and almost never talked about them head-on.
My own personal experience is very similar to that of the numerous itinerant sisters. I grew up in a patriarchal family, leaving my hometown and working everywhere. But I was fortunate enough to study for a few more years, did not marry prematurely, had children, and had the opportunity to leave the countryside. I have been a teacher, a small business, and in the years of going south to find dreams, my youth has soared on the assembly line of the factory. I have the privilege of going to a wider and more wonderful world and making my life thicker.
Because of my similar life experience with my sisters, "Magnolia Blossom" has had its endogenous genes in its positioning and values from the beginning of its birth. For example: people-oriented, mutual respect, mutual support; strive for external equality, promote gender equality, practice internal equality democracy; see everyone, and exert everyone's strength from an advantageous perspective.
The Mulan sisters are singing, and here everyone is seen and heard
Magnolia flowers, blooming weeds
Just six months after its establishment, the institution faced the challenge of survival and did not have any funding. Do you go your separate ways, or do you continue to persevere? Finally, the partners made the decision to stay and face the challenge together. Chun Fen said: "As long as there is a steamed bun to eat, we will continue to do it!" Then began the year-long days of eating "steamed bun feasts" and sleeping at "VIP tables" and "VIP places".
We continue to do what we identify with little support. We are like a wild grass that sprouts in the barren soil, can live with a little water, and shines with a little sunshine. With recognition of what we do, we persevered through the most difficult times, and even slowly became more and more improved.
In 2015, the institution reached a bottleneck period. There are internal problems, everyone invests too much, there is no concept of commuting, and there is often no time to rest. It seems that there will always be unfinished work, but there is no way to see the results of the work, and there is no way to move forward. The outside is also full of all kinds of discourse on public welfare, which is not the same as our ideas. The most exciting thing for us is the so-called "old little tree", which has not grown into a big tree for several years. I feel that "Magnolia" can't even say that it has grown into a tree, we are still a small grass that is struggling to grow. At any time, a crisis can make this little grass unable to survive.
Where to go, haunting Mulan and Lixia. Lixia photography
Personally, I was also stuck in the mud, trapped in marriage and could not find myself. The bitterness of widowhood parenting makes me struggle to find love and a way out. During the struggle, I fell deep into self-denial, feeling like a walking dead, without any value. The darkest moments of my life are like time is always in the darkness before dawn.
We decided to face uncertainty together
Fortunately, there were many friends who accompanied me in various ways, long phone calls, empathy for hugging and crying, and continuous support, and finally ended the marriage of nearly 20 years with difficulty. Freedom needs to be fought for, and it needs to be adapted. It took me a slow time to pull my legs out of the mud and move forward step by step. I found that a person's life is really like flying, full of happiness, autonomy, and freedom!
At the institutional level, it has also been supported by community partners, which has been a booster. Our colleagues slowly recognized Mulan's "small and beautiful", and I no longer felt pressured by the "old little tree", and even figured it out, thinking that we were a stubborn weed ourselves and had the value of grass survival. We can't become a tree, nor can we become a towering tree, so let's make a weed that "spring winds blow and grows again"!
In 2022, more and more people saw Mulan at the "Three Invitations Opened by Mulan" game theater scene. Lixia photography
We supported each other like this, never knowing how long we would survive, for 10 years. Looking back on the road, there are sighs, teardrops, and more challenges. We survived the pandemic and entered the post-pandemic period. I don't know if people and institutions have reached an adulthood, not afraid of change and the unknown. We are no longer afraid of institutional "death", and if we choose to live to die, we can calmly do more things we want to do.
In the more than ten years of doing public welfare, there are setbacks, there are difficulties, we have experienced 6 times in 12 years, each time we and our sisters, volunteers do it ourselves, sorting, packing, shoulder to shoulder, almost can set up a moving company.
This year is my own life year for Mulan, Mulan is 12 years old and I am 48 years old. Looking back on these 48 years of rain and shine, I am grateful for life and for everyone I met. We do not pursue the tall, we do what we can do seriously and ordinary, and walk with our community sisters all the way, facing the bumpy road of the future, we decided to face more uncertainty together.
Mulan is launching the "I want to sing loudly" monthly donation plan, welcome to scan the code to support
Author: Qi Lixia
EDIT: Garden
Founded on January 15, 2010, Beijing Mulan Community Activity Center is a non-profit social service public welfare organization with the purpose of paying attention to and serving migrant women who come to Beijing to work.
Mulan Community Activity Center establishes activity centers in communities where migrant workers live, uses activity centers as a platform, introduces external social resources, provides cultural and educational and spiritual services for migrant women and their children, and increases the contact and interaction between migrant women by expanding the social interaction of migrant women, so as to expand the cultural living space of migrant women, improve their independence and gender equality awareness, so as to better adapt to and integrate into urban life.