There is practice, there is companionship, there is strength
Hailan Happy Home 2022 32nd practice story
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1
This month, I did not check the balance of the two children's social security deduction cards in time, resulting in the failure of the automatic deduction, and I had to pay the bill myself.
After tossing and turning for two days, the boss did a good job, and the second boss's card was old and public, and he needed to do it.
When I told my husband that I needed him to do this, he immediately turned on the questioning and accusation mode, why not say it when I was at home? Why do you have to wait until you don't have enough money to continue?
I said, because I need to ask clearly, I will tell you.
He also said that I answered the question and changed the subject...
I was aware that the other person was entering the red light zone, which was his emotion, and I needed to distance myself from his emotions.
I realized that I was about to enter the yellow light area, so I didn't reply to the message first, but he still continued to send WeChat to chase after me: Say!
Aware that the other party is still the old model, I have to adjust the mode first, I can't be taken away by him, I have to find a way to stop, I can't continue to communicate.
I have done the emotional cycle diagram of my communication pattern with my husband before, and I have to break through the change step by step, and change it myself first.
I'm going to pick up the kids at four o'clock, so let's drag it out and give each other a calm time slot.
So: I sent him a message: I will go to pick up the child first.
Sure enough, the other party was quiet and did not continue to send messages.
2
I reuse time lag to deal with my own emotions:
I realized that I had 6 points of self-blame–blaming myself for procrastinating, blaming myself for forgetting my password again.
Starting from the body, the back of the head is like wearing a tight curse, divided into self-care several times, SSA.
On the way to pick up the children, I rode my bike while listening to the silent audio of self-care, which was one of my resources back in the Green Light District;
Although I have not specifically soothed and softened my own body, my cognition has been adjusted to stop self-blame, and the emotional score has not continued to rise;
Every day when I pick up my son, I take at least three deep breaths before he leaves the school to face him in a relaxed and peaceful state, and today it is the same.
These three deep breaths are actually part of the part that I allow to soothe and soften (the step of self-care: referred to as SSA);
Picking up my son every day is also a resource for me to return to the Green Light District.
You know, he's in his room most of the time when he gets home, and I don't have a chance, so no matter what the situation, I'll adjust my state to meet him.
3
On the way back to work after picking up the child, I began to soothe and soften the uncomfortable places in my body.
Put a hand on the back of your head, feel the tightness of being cursed, and take a deep breath while saying words of comfort to yourself.
I imagined the warm sun shining on the back of my head, imagined myself swinging in my mysterious paradise, throwing the discomfort out, and feeling the area that was tightened and cursed shrinking.
During this period, I came out anxious, anxious to reply to my husband's message, and I wanted to go to the original old mode, and I wanted to open the mode of explanation. I noticed it in time and stopped, telling myself to adjust the pattern.
I started asking myself, "Do you still have emotions?" ”
"Yes"
"Can you communicate with the other person now?"
"Not possible"
"Is it good to communicate now?"
"Not good."
Then, I continued to soothe the back of my head, feeling the tightness getting lighter and lighter.
These SSA processes, I actually do it on the road, and I don't necessarily have to do it formally.
This also tells us that in life, it is possible not to pick the environment.
When I got downstairs to the unit, I stopped, closed my eyes, and took three deep breaths again to make sure that I was in the state at the moment, that my body was comfortable, and that I was now clear.
Thumbs up to myself for this process, I'm so awesome, I've done it to adjust the mode too!
SSA must do enough ah, this is the key behind, until the body is comfortable.
4
Before going home, I simply did a seven-step method of emotional combing, quickly exploring my own needs: solving the problem of doing cards, and not provoking each other to destroy the relationship.
The other party's needs: solve the card thing, and hope that I can recognize my mistakes and improve in the future.
Different interpretations:
1) The other party has entered the previous criticism mode, but fortunately, the firepower value has been weakened by at least 3 points compared to before;
2) The other party accuses me so much, it is his true feelings, first accept that he is that feeling, I don't need to be angry with him and explain;
3) Looking back at the message he sent, he said why I had to wait until the balance was not enough to do it is a fact, I blame myself because of this, you say it, I have comforted myself, I don't have to have various explanations to get your understanding as before;
4) I adjusted the mode, stopped, after the delay, the other party also stopped, did not continue to pester, and did not urge me now (I could not wait so long before, it will urge me), which shows that his mode has been affected by me.
After various interpretations, I like myself even more about what I am doing today.
I can also be honest about my own mistakes in this operation, then it is better to face it.
Make the next plan – what our needs have in common is to deal with good things. At the same time, I need to meet his needs as much as possible first.
I simply drew the process on the paper, identified two problems, and improved points, and texted the other party before going home.
5
After arriving home, I saw that the other party was eating, the atmosphere was OK, and it was okay to see his face.
Aware of whether the other party was in the green light area, his face must have been cloudy before.
I used to laugh and say to him, "I texted you." ”
My husband frowned a little: "You just tell me." ”
I quickly and clearly said what had been sorted out: first of all, I admitted that I did forget to check the balance this year - this is what he cares about, not to escape.
After saying that, I saw that the other party seemed to have not continued to be angry as before.
I continued to ask, "Do you remember the password?" ”
He said, "I don't remember."
I said I could go to the bank and change my password.
I took my ID card and card to my husband and put them on the table, his face was calm, and he continued to eat without speaking.
In the previous model, he would continue to accuse me in front of the whole family.
Mommy! In the unconscious adjustment and improvement, we really realized the communication mode and atmosphere of two people.
The man who, like a walking bag of explosives, who gets angry at every turn, has recently begun to respond to me, and is a gentle word;
And for the first time, I can really encounter problems, I can smile and talk to him, softly whisper, and face joy, and I can't do it yet.
6
The path I changed:
Be aware of the emotional area of yourself and the other party, and when the other party's emotional score is high and constantly entangled, think of ways to avoid it first, give the other party and yourself a calm space, and stop in time.
Constantly adjust your patterns, starting with the body, SSA, until the body is comfortable.
Resolutely implement the principle of the traffic, yellow and green light communication method, and then communicate when emotions return to the green light area.
After loving yourself enough and dealing with the emotions of this matter, you can calmly face each other, softly whispering, and Yan Yueshi was not pretending, but to take care of yourself first, and you can do it after hobby.
What a milestone again!
I was pleasantly surprised to see that my step-by-step improvement, little by little, can really affect the behavior and attitude of the other party.
Author: Treasure
Editor: Wang Li
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