Today I am going to tell you a few real experiences hidden in my heart, and then I will say a question that I think deeply about.
1
When I was in junior high school, I used to be very touched by a girl.
In that school, she was a goddess in the minds of many people.
Tall and tall, white and beautiful, excellent grades, can also write and draw, is a very famous local talented girl, family education dumped us this kind of wild road a few highways.
The key is that he is particularly arrogant, almost never in contact with boys, and does not eat human fireworks.
Because I was still studying well, I still had some contact with her in various learning activities organized by the school.
I also gave each other some very middle two gifts.
But after high school, we were no longer in touch.
Ten years passed, and after working for several years, one day I was suddenly pleasantly surprised to receive an email from her.
Only to learn that she went to the University of Hong Kong for graduate school and stayed in Hong Kong after graduation.
The previous years have been intermittent and occasional contacts.
A few years ago, she got married in Hong Kong and sent me a pyrotechnic email.
The words in the email made me feel a lot of emotions.
She writes:
Oops, unconsciously, I have been Z-Tai for almost two years.
Think about when I was first married, the building manager said to me for a long time "Z too, good morning!" "I just reacted by talking to me.
I was at home before and lamented that I was married to a woman. My husband said that after trying to be particularly clear and thorough, most of them can't do anything.
Some things, which today feel like big choices, will become nothing more than tomorrow. Some days, which may seem like ordinary times, inadvertently change us.
Gains and losses are not so easy to see clearly, nor do you need to see too clearly.
So why bother, why remember, why look forward.
I think that the realization of secular ideals is also an achievement.
Poetry and distance are in the small wishes of the world.
Now I'm staring at the stock fund, saving up for the first installment of a house, planning a Christmas family trip, and reading a few Japanese housewives' books in the kindle.
I am also almost thirty years old, I do not want to pretend to be tender, nor do I want to be too vicissitudes, so I joyfully become a worldly woman, and I make up my lipstick on the subway, and the world is lively and comfortable.
I think it's pretty good.
2
To be honest, I think it's pretty good.
I just didn't think that when I was in middle school, I once thought about how I would do with her in the future, and as a result, I didn't have contact with her for more than ten years in the blink of an eye.
What I didn't expect was that the mailbox I used at that time was Yahoo Mail, which didn't log in for a while, Yahoo Mail was shut down, and I and her were completely lost.
It's been almost three years since then, and it seems that I will never see it again in this life, and it seems that it is not a big deal.
Looking back at my junior high school days, I was so willing to chat with her, and I was so eager to see her more, I felt incredible.
It turns out that time can really make a lot of things become as light as boiled water.
There is a classic question on Zhihu: how to deal with friends who are gradually estranged?
Confidant @ I peach peach crossed the river to quote a sentence on the Internet to answer:
"Everyone is walking in the crowd, and if you go farther away from me, you will be closer to other people, which is not necessarily a good thing."
From small to large, the process of growing up is the process of constantly changing the circle of friends.
It's either you go too fast to keep up with others; it's that others go too fast and you're left where you are.
After reading a psychology article, one of the most important conditions for starting a friendship is:
Lots of non-active contact.
That is, without special effort and deliberate manufacturing, they can often meet or communicate with each other.
That's why you become friends with your classmates, roommates, co-workers, and neighbors for a certain period of time.
Because they don't need any deliberate arrangement, they will appear in front of you repeatedly.
Many of our "friends" actually refer to this kind of friend.
And such friends, with the change of the environment, as long as there are no longer conditions for "recurrence", the relationship weakens almost inevitably.
Looking back, there are many students who felt that they were "going to be good friends for a lifetime" when we were students.
This lifetime, in the end, is fixed on "graduation".
3
When I was in elementary school, I used to have a best friend, and we used to talk about everything.
When I was in elementary school, my summer vacation life was generally divided into two parts, one part of which I slept in his house and the other part of which he slept in my house.
In the hot weather, he took me to take a bath in a puddle in the mountains, and two teenage children lay naked in the water weeds, scratching their arm sockets and laughing, pulling off a large handful of water weeds and stuffing them into each other's mouths.
When I went back, I found that my back was covered with blood marks cut by water grass, and it was painful and itchy.
His father took out a bottle of spirits, smeared it on our backs, and laughed happily as he cried out in pain.
He dropped out of high school to start work, sophomores and juniors of high school often came to me, and his messy feelings and life often made me exhausted.
Sometimes it rained outside at twelve o'clock in the middle of the night, just because I had a fight with my girlfriend; sometimes I suddenly fell on the road because of stomach bleeding from the wine.
After he had cheated on me so many times, I finally couldn't bear to cut ties with him.
He wrote me a note:
We hold the same dreams at different times
Come here
Some dreams arise
Some are broken
Since then, he has left the county town and gone to the big city to "break in".
After many more years, he finally became famous, and returned to his hometown in a suit and leather shoes with a greasy face.
At that time, I was still struggling to go to college, so I did not see him returning to his hometown, and I did not witness the embarrassing scene of people who wanted debts going to the village to demolish his house in the near future.
His "success" mainly came from various pits and abductions outside, until the deceived people found out his true "bottom" and came to the door, only to beat him back to his original form again.
A few years ago, I heard his latest news, and I have gone to the provinces, and as for what to do, I have no way of knowing.
The note he wrote to me, more than a decade later, I still keep it.
But the lives of the two of us are doomed to never intersect again.
The so-called friends, the most fundamental thing is actually the intersection between each other.
The intersection of time and space is only part of it, and what is more important should be the intersection of the three views and cognition.
Such a relationship can only last if your three views and cognitive insights are always at the same level.
Instead of talking chickens and ducks, playing the piano to cows, it is better to stay away from each other.
Many middle school QQ groups and university WeChat groups often have a certain degree of activity within three years, and may become chicken ribs after more than five years.
Only a few people still insist on having a chat for a long time, and others will occasionally advertise, and others are like a pool of backwater.
I didn't quite understand why a group of people who had nothing to talk about became speechless after a few years, even with the most advanced communication tools.
Later, I finally figured it out, because it was all about the things in college.
Yes, you've skipped class together, you've gone black together, you've fought together, you've been shopping together, you've chased the same male star...
And then what? You can't always get together and talk about these past things.
When the life experiences, social circles and vision patterns of both parties have changed dramatically, there is no new information to exchange between each other.
4
Many people may wonder, "Mr. Life" is not a workplace growth class number? Why write about these things today that don't seem to be in tune with personal growth?
In fact, the first purpose of writing this is to tell everyone:
Although I share with you all day on the public account how to grow, how to cope with the workplace and society, and how to drive myself to continuously improve.
But in the roots, I am also a very ordinary person. I have an ordinary past, and I have had a lot of messy friends.
More importantly, I have also been nostalgic for the past, and even immersed in memories for a long time.
The reason why many people are reluctant to be friends in the past is that they just can't let go of their past selves.
Every deep memory is to open a valve of emotions, sadness, sadness, regret...
All sorts of negative emotions accompany memories that drown you out.
But these negative emotions will not help you deal with your current problems and face your future problems.
See in a psychology book:
We get caught up in the quagmire of memories because the experiences in memories are familiar to us, even if they are painful.
But because it is familiar, we are willing to repeat it over and over again, because familiarity brings security.
When I really realized with the help of various psychology books that I kept repeating my memories was just allowing myself to experience the feeling of emotional wantonness over and over again, and that it would have no effect on my real life.
For the first time, I started trying to put a lock on my memories.
I began to avoid not sleeping late at night, and began to try to fill the free time before going to bed with various readings, movies, and sports, so as not to let the memories have the opportunity to take advantage of the void.
It's a long process of "deliberate training."
But either way, I did.
Most of the time, I rarely remember the people and things of the past.
By starting with controlling my memories, I learned to better control negative, depressed emotions — one of the deepest causes of life or work loss of control.
This is one of the growth experiences I want to share with you when I write this article today.
Too many people know, consult me in the public account and even in the community, how to make myself more positive and full of positive energy.
Of course, there are many ways, such as finding goals in life, adhering to self-discipline, establishing positive feedback, fitness running, maintaining physical and mental health, and so on.
But there's one more thing I haven't shared with you.
That is to resolutely "break away" from life.
There is an old saying: "When the break is continuous, it is chaotic."
Many people and things in life, the past will pass, do not need to regret, and then tangle, and even recall.
Just like taking the bus, there are people on and off at each stop, and the only person who can accompany you to the end is actually the driver (family).
Every time you alienate a group of friends, it often means that you know and link to another group of friends.
You can't live only in the past forever, but always have an open and positive attitude towards people who know the future.
The faster your circle of friends changes, the faster you grow.
And those friends who have been precipitated after many changes are the people who are worth continuing to associate.
5
There is also a very useful application of this way of thinking.
That is, adults should never try to "fit in" forcibly on a new occasion.
Children have no choice, if isolated, it is likely that the body and mind will be greatly affected.
Adults should learn to actively embrace "loneliness.".
Especially in the workplace.
Many people don't understand that the company recruits you to do things, not to make friends.
In essence, you don't need to please others or be afraid of them, you have only one task: to do a good job.
In addition, learn something more and support your family.
In layman's terms, it is eight words: learn to grow, work and get money.
As for other connections, social and other things, they are all based on these eight words.
You don't do a good job, even if you develop everyone in the office into a brother and sister, it is useless, when there is a real problem, no one will help you share, and you have to start over again when you change companies.
The work you are responsible for promotes powerfully and implements effectively, even if you are alone every day and never intersect with your colleagues in private, it does not matter, you can still mix like a fish.
It is not that you are kind to others and no one can be guilty of good interpersonal relations.
It is not that you have to come to the party and pay the bill to be called a person.
—— It is not that you talk to this person every day and invite that person to dinner to build a network.
A person with a sense of purpose and a certain inner disposition does not need to be good friends with everyone.
During working hours, everyone is nodding, mailing, telephone, and after work, there can be no intersection.
On the contrary, those who spend all their spare time eating with colleagues, k-songs, and not growing up for a few years are the most stupid people.
When I first started working, the first leader once told me a wise quote:
Don't get in the mess with your colleagues.
And this sentence was also told to him by his leaders at that time. After so many years of precipitation, he still thinks that this sentence is the most useful for a newcomer.
Too many colleagues to eat together not only consume energy and occupy time, but also easily involve themselves in workplace disputes, and even risk being forced to take sides.
To do this, you need to set principles for yourself and learn to say no.
Don't worry about being isolated by your colleagues, this will only further shape your strong personality in the workplace.
The real most likely offender is the unprincipled person, the colleague party you attend ten times, even if you do not participate once, others will think that you are "unsociable".
This stuff is like drinking, you don't drink at the beginning, everyone doesn't feel anything; you don't refuse at the beginning, and as long as you don't drink once, others will think that you don't give face.
6
One more last word.
This way of thinking also helps me better cope with the "bad people" at work and in life.
What is a rotten man? It is the person who always finds trouble for you, and you can't get rid of it in a short time.
For example, a roommate with poor work habits and personality, a harsh and grumpy leader, and a colleague who is very scheming and targets you everywhere.
When you see the essence of people from strange to familiar to gradually fading, the mentality will be much better.
When you meet such a person, you have a more positive way to deal with it.
When you set your goal higher and farther, in the process of pursuing the goal, there are two such people, what is the tightness?
Stretching the timeline, no matter how difficult it is, someone who is difficult to get along with is just a passer-by in your life.
What about leadership? What about the boss?
In this scene, in this environment, it seems that it will always be oppressed.
But as long as you focus on personal growth, accumulate enough confidence in a year or two or encounter an opportunity, immediately turn around and leave.
A few years later, who still recognizes whom? Who remembers whom? Who cares for whom?
Don't spend time and energy on how to "wrestle wits" with such people, this is the biggest failure of time.
The signs of a person's growing pattern are: do not love the past, do not seek to fit in, do not argue about small things.
I often give the example of Yue Yunpeng.
When he was serving dishes in the restaurant, he might also encounter the supervisor deliberately rectifying him and his colleagues bullying him (this kind of place, in fact, the infighting is very serious).
In that hotel, no matter how much he colluded with others, ganged up, and even if he won the fight, it was nothing more than no one looking for stubble when serving the plate.
But when he jumped out of this circle and went to greater success, he could have bought the restaurant and let the supervisors, cooks, and waiters who had been grooming him get out of the egg together.
More importantly, however, he didn't need to do that at all.
Therefore, young people, don't be too small in your heart and eyes, and don't be too thin in your face.
The pattern must be big.
Focus on seeing here and giving you a thumbs up!
If you still feel unfinished at the end, don't forget to pay attention to it.
I am Mr. Life, and you are welcome to leave a message in the comment area to communicate with me.