What kind of marriage is a good state?
Gibran wrote this verse in On Marriage:
"Love one another, but do not let love become bondage; let love become the sea that flows between the shores of your souls." Fill each other's cups, but do not drink from only one cup; give each other bread, but do not take only one loaf of bread; sing and dance together, but keep each other independent. ”
keyword:
Independence, freedom, space, sense of proportion.
Couples who can do this, the marriage must not be bad.
Recently, there is a hit drama "Our Marriage", which directly points to the dilemma experienced by the relationship between husband and wife in the current marriage: the contradiction between the full-time wife (husband) and the career, the contradiction between the family giving and taking, and the contradiction between facing the problem and avoiding the problem.
-01
Full-time wife or full-time husband: The truth behind the contradiction
There are 3 couples in the play.
The first couple: husband Sheng Jiangchuan and wife Shen Yanxing.
Sheng Jiangchuan has achieved the position of an investment bank executive at a young age, relying on his own strength, 6 years to buy a three-bedroom house in a high-end CBD in Shanghai, conservatively estimated that the annual salary is several million.
Shen Yanxing is a full-time wife, who married and had children after graduating from top universities and worked as a full-time wife for 6 years.
Marital conflict:
After 6 years of full-time wife, Shen Yanxing's consciousness awakened to pursue his own career, thinking that he also had the ability to make a scene in the workplace; and Sheng Jiangchuan believed that the capable person lived in it, and the capable person was the main one, and the wife should think about the family.
The second couple: wife Dong Sijia and husband Li Yuwen.
Dong Sijia is also an investment bank executive and the first boss on Shen Yanxing's career path; Li Yuwen is a full-time dad.
Men's self-esteem is opposed to his wife's stubbornness and high posture; the contradiction between mainstream values at the social level and the male protagonist.
The third couple: Jiang Jing and Lu Weibin.
Jiang Jing is a humble full-time wife, who believes in "eating people's mouths short, taking people short", and degrading herself in marriage, with a humble posture, in order to obtain her husband's investment in her.
Lu Weibin, the business owner, "the dragon sees the beginning but not the end", a typical male who "lacks a sense of responsibility and lacks family participation".
Women's weakness and forbearance, husband's indifference and irresponsibility.
After analyzing the relationship between several major couples in the play, let's talk about two points that run through the whole play: full-time wife and full-time father.
Typical characters: Shen Yanxing and Li Yuwen.
For Shen Yanxing, in the 6 years of becoming a full-time wife, she can go to the hall and go down to the kitchen.
Can repair furniture, can play with electric welding, can repair the circuits at home, can take children, can cook, can do housework.
This reminds me of the phrase" that "Mom is superhuman and omnipotent".
For a girl who graduated from a top university, it was like hitting another door in the world by mistake.
In marriage, she wrestled with her husband and competed for strength.
But Shen's personality is twisted and flawed.
First: The desire for the husband to participate in the division of labor in the family, but the ability of the husband is not regarded
Although her husband's career has been going on and on, he is like a "giant baby" in terms of family, and he can't do even the most basic housework.
Shen Yanxing longs for her husband to participate in the family, because she is mentally unbalanced, thinking that she has paid too much for the family and her husband's participation is low.
However, the husband participated, and Shen Yanxing always mocked: "You are not doing well, you are too bad, you still don't help." ”
Second: not a competent wife
There is no doubt that as a wife, as a stay-at-home wife, as a mother, she is almost impeccable in her role.
However, from the perspective of husband and wife getting along, Shen Yanxing "committed a big taboo": always belittling, mocking, and disapproving of her husband.
Her personality is so screwed, always doing some "duplicitous" things.
Obviously he wanted his husband to help, but he said hardly: You can't do it well, go ahead.
He obviously wants his husband to have more commitment and sense of family responsibility, but he does not give his husband the opportunity and space to perform.
Obviously, he recognizes his husband's achievements and the "consumption upgrade" he brings to the family, but he says unforgiving words on his lips.
What are the consequences of this?
Hurting each other, but also wronging themselves.
Shen Didn't understand that in the bones of men, there was a need to be worshipped, praised, and recognized unique to male animals.
Let's talk about the full-time dad Li Yuwen.
Don't hide from you, seeing Li Yuwen, I am also quite upset by the current full-time dads.
Why?
In the play, when outsiders mentioned to Dong Sijia what work her husband did, Dong Sijia changed the topic and was reluctant to let the topic talk about her husband's work.
Because she is afraid, has strong self-esteem, does not want her husband to be pointed out by the outside world, and cannot bear to because others feel that her husband is incompetent.
Even in Dong Sijia's own heart, she looked down on her husband.
Because of her high social status and high income, she also achieved the position of an investment bank executive at a young age.
Li Yuwen's family status is quite low, weak, and humble.
Whether it is his dedication to the family, his efforts to be a full-time dad at home, or his intention to return to his career, these have not been recognized by Dong Sijia.
First, men's self-esteem is frustrated. (Dong Sijia mocks and belittles Li Yuwen over and over again)
Second, men's efforts are not recognized.
No matter what he did or said, he never seemed to get his wife's approval.
Just like when we were young, no matter what we did and how many points we scored, it seemed that we could not satisfy our parents.
Finally, the influence of mainstream social values.
From the social level of analysis, what are the mainstream marriage values at present?
Men are born to be asked to:
We must work hard, have a career, have a good income, and have a car and a house.
But for women, such requirements are few and far between.
In essence, whether it is a full-time wife or a full-time father, their direct opposition to their partners, and the contradictions in marriage, are always a matter of values.
If you don't believe me, listen to the sounds around you.
If a man is a full-time dad at home, then there will definitely be people around him: "Eat soft rice, no ability, no self-motivation, cowardice." ”
If a woman were a full-time wife, most people around her would show support and calmly accept the state.
You see, what does this mean?
Isn't it still a deformed value influence?
When the outside world no longer wears colored glasses to look at full-time wives or full-time grandfathers, it is the progress of marriage and the progress of women's status.
This reminds me of a passage that Beauvoir wrote in The Second Sex:
"The great fortune of a man is that he has to take an extremely arduous path, both as an adult and as a child, but it is also the most reliable path. The misfortune of a woman lies in being surrounded by almost irresistible temptations, she is not asked to work hard, and when she finds herself being fooled by a mirage, her strength has long been exhausted. ”
It's real and full of helplessness.
Isn't such an opposite, a contradiction, a microcosm of the contradiction between husband and wife in the current marriage?
-02
Male double standard: verbal support, heart opposition
Typical representatives:
Sheng Jiangchuan, Shen Father, Lu Weibin.
There is a detail in the play:
When Shen Yanxing confided in his father the details of his job search, his father embarrassed Shen In front of his stepmother.
After leaving the mother's face, the father comforted his daughter: "I said this, not for you, but for her." ”
On the one hand, I want my daughter to have a good career, and I want my daughter to show her skills in her career; on the other hand, I don't want my wife to go out to work, and I want my wife to become a kennai helper and be a full-time wife for a lifetime.
Isn't this a typical double standard?
Let's talk about the Shengjiang River.
As a "social person", his achievements are obvious to all, belonging to the people at the top of the pyramid.
But as a "husband", he was unqualified.
In other words, Sheng Jiang Chuan is a "sugar cane man".
What is a sugarcane man?
It's: it's sweet when you eat it, but it's full of slag when you spit it out.
Sheng Jiangchuan is quite good at talking most of the time, full of sweet words, and "superficial support" for Shen Comet's job search.
But in his heart, he was very opposed, and his behavior was also against Shen Yanxing at every turn.
Talking about "equality between husband and wife", but in the heart, he is always calculating.
Sheng Jiang Chuan is the biggest "vested interest" in this marriage.
Not only do you want your own interests to be unaffected, but you also want to guarantee your absolute "right to speak" in marriage; you want to appease your wife's anxiety and mood, and you are not willing to let your wife go out to work.
Lu Weibin, on the other hand, is a "macho" from beginning to end.
Isn't this another microcosm of the current marital relationship?
The humble, cowardly and stoic nature of his wife, Jiang Jing, has always played a low-profile role in the marriage.
This way of running marriage will only exacerbate the machismo of her husband, Lu Weibin.
One of the weaknesses of human nature is that:
The weaker you are, the stronger he is, the more he bullies you; conversely, when you are brave and strong, he will change his attitude toward you.
This is the "Matthew effect" in psychology: the stronger the stronger, the weaker the weaker.
Whether it is love or marriage, the more you give, the easier it is to be in a weak position; on the contrary, the person who does not have a strong sense of responsibility and does not pay much cares less about you.
In the current environment, there are too many "Jiang Jing-style" wives who become full-time wives, are not respected by their husbands, have no income, and can only maintain a low posture.
How torturous is the process of asking your husband for money?
She said: "The money spent on children is better to say, if it is spent on yourself or your mother's family, it is no different from a beggar reaching out for money."
The double standard of men in marriage exposes a truth:
Lack of respect for women, lack of tolerance and understanding of wives, and lack of participation and responsibility for the family.
-03
"Our Marriage" tells us the truth about running a marriage?
First: a good marriage must be "mutual pain and mutual appreciation"
In the book Family on a Hot Pot, there is this idea:
"Everyone in the family should learn to talk about their feelings, rather than attacking each other radically."
This is also the ability that must be possessed in the current process of getting along with husband and wife.
More comfort and tolerance, less ridicule and debasement;
More understanding, less ego;
More heartache, less miserable.
You know, it's not easy for the two of you to start a family and go from strangers to husband and wife.
Since you chose the other party in the first place, at least it shows that the other party does have something that attracts you.
Do you want people to praise you?
Want others to support you, approve of you, and give you enough emotional comfort when you're sad and negative?
If you want to be in this state, change from yourself and let the other person feel that you care and understand.
Husbands should understand the pressure of worrying about their wives to have children, and wives should also respect their husbands' self-esteem.
Mutual pain is the sweetest love word in marriage.
Second: the balance of marriage is inseparable from each other's equal strength
In the drama "Our Marriage", you will find a woman as strong as Shen Comet in her bones, who very much hopes that she has enough right to speak in marriage and hopes that she is in the "first place".
But in fact, her husband Sheng Jiangchuan has a higher income and a better career, and he is the "first" of this family on the surface.
What does this mean?
Deep in the heart of man, there is a strong desire to control.
Love is love, selfishness is selfishness.
And if you want to achieve a balance in marriage, you can't do without the efforts of two people.
"You are excellent, but I am not bad", always maintain this mentality, in order not to make you inferior.
Today's Topic:
How do you see the role of a full-time wife and a full-time dad?
What are the confusions in your marriage?
(Article with picture source network)