Wen Fu Qing
"Now I am still bargaining with the world, exchanging wild hopes for a little happiness with it, and exchanging those collapsed nights for a little invisible growth." 」
During the "Eleventh" holiday, Yang Lin and Lin Anqi returned to their hometowns separately. At the end of the trip, they filmed a Vlog called "The Return of the Small Town Girl". In the video, they recorded what they saw back to their hometown: the dolls at the entrance of The Ice City would "shout mai", the downstairs primary school would play "Golden Snake Dance" between classes, the street scene in the northern hometown was no different from the Beijing Huilongguan, and the friends in the hometown basically had cars...
Growing up, the two of them seemed to have a hard time finding a sense of belonging in the group, and after experiencing life's repeated beatings and continuous self-pulling in the middle of the night, they realized that this self-construction may be a tug-of-war that lasts a lifetime.
The picture shows Lin Anqi. /Courtesy of the interviewee
Yang Lin and Lin Anqi met in the publicity department of the freshman student union, and with a series of eye-catching mixing elements such as the same top, heavy pear blossom head, and muffin shoes, they smelled each other's familiar breath and felt a strong soul resonance.
They are also "problem solvers" from the small town and have been admitted to universities in Beijing. At that time, the strange new world was pouring towards them, and a cloud of ethereal and dazzling water vapor slammed into their eyes, and they wanted to plunge into the torrent, but found that they were separated from them by an insurmountable barrier.
They are also "problem solvers" from the small town and have been admitted to universities in Beijing. /Figure unsplash
They miss the high school days when their grades were in full swing, the days of chatting and laughing with their teachers, and the superiority of shouting out the answers when other students still have time to read the questions. During that time, they were cheerful and sensitive, proud and inferior, and secretly carried a lot of ambitions to be paid. But the more desperately you try to prove yourself, the stronger the feeling of drowning suffocation.
Although many of the past events are not worth mentioning now, for them at that time, it was the top sadness and frustration, so they wrote in their diaries: "Once we were trapped in a limited perspective, confused and panicked, like ants stopped by a water stain." ”
Facial anxiety is the bleak undertone of four years of college
When she was in college, Yang Lin fell in love with the minister of propaganda, and after confessing, she did not get a reply, and she poured out bitterness to Lin Anqi: "I know that I am not good-looking, but why does he not even give me a clear attitude?" ”
They miss the high school days when their grades were in full swing, and they miss the days when they talked and laughed with their teachers. /Courtesy of the interviewee
Lin Anqi's hard rehearsal program at the street dance club was withdrawn, and she complained to Yang Lin with anger: "Is it that no matter how well I dance, people will always stare at those white, thin and beautiful long-legged girls?" ”
Facial anxiety was the bleak undertones of their four years of college life. At that time, they simply and rudely attributed a lot of unhappiness and sadness to "I am not good-looking."
In the classroom, Yang Lin is a bully with four shocks. But back in the dormitory, facing the other 5 girls from the big city, Yang Lin always had a strong sense of incompatibility. Yang Lin sent a message to Lin Anqi: "Do you know, I sat on the bed with the girl in the bunk, and there was only a shallow fold on the belly. Lin Anqi lowered her head, looked at the extra flesh around her waist, and replied: "It's okay, we won't eat dinner from tomorrow!" ”
Facial anxiety was the bleak undertones of their four years of college life. At that time, they simply and rudely attributed a lot of unhappiness and sadness to "I am not good-looking." /Courtesy of the interviewee
When she first entered the university, 4 of the 6 girls in Yanglin's dormitory had single eyelids, and when it was time to graduate, she suddenly found that "I was the only one left", so she decided to cut her double eyelids in her senior year. On the day of the stitch removal, Yang Lin sent a circle of friends - the single eyelid Yang Lin is dead, and now standing in front of you is: Niu Hulu Double Eyelid Yang Lin.
Yang Lin joked: "The natural double eyelids are very similar, but the cut double eyelids have their own shortcomings. Now Yang Lin still has a small scar on her eyelids, which will make her look less natural when she smudges her eyeshadow. However, through this incident, Yang Lin did become more confident. After graduation, Yang Lin had a stable relationship, and the facial anxiety that had once hovered over his head completely disappeared.
Lin Anqi is 28 years old this year and has not seriously talked about a relationship. Reviewing her past dating performances, she found that she was always like an interview, eager to shake out her intelligence and sharpness at once. In this way of communication, the success rate of the interview is very high, but when it comes to dating, it is basically gone. She admits that she is always attracted to a type of boy, that kind of boy is a bit like Nino in "My Genius Girlfriend", who likes to play the literary card. They talk and seem to respect and appreciate everything about girls, but when girls are serious, they will be vague and do not give a clear attitude.
After experiencing several emotional entanglements that ended without illness, Lin Anqi looked away. /Figure unsplash
After experiencing several emotional entanglements that ended without illness, Lin Anqi looked away. For her, finding and having a rare friendship is already a very fortunate thing, more important than luck - as her experience grows, she slowly learns self-consistency and relaxation.
Hovering between big cities and small towns, always like an outsider
Lin Anqi had naively imagined taking the outside work home, enjoying the convenience of life brought by her mother's side while taking care of the work. But during the "Eleventh" long holiday, she was taken out by her mother every day to meet various relatives. Later, Lin Anqi figured it out: "It is impossible to just enjoy the convenience of going home, but without having to pay any sacrifice, fish and bear paws can not be both, accept the convenience, you have to sacrifice yourself for the local social network." ”
Lin Anqi had naively imagined taking the outside work home, enjoying the convenience of life brought by her mother's side while taking care of the work. /Figure unsplash
A friend of Yang Lin's who finished his master's degree at a university in Hong Kong followed his family's arrangement to work as an English teacher at three local colleges. In school, her friends were not appreciated for their high education, but were ostracized because of different thinking patterns. Through friends, Yang Lin probably deduced his situation of returning home: "You think you are standing out from the crowd, looking quite arrogant, in fact, you are the chicken, and there is always a kind of unwillingness to fall into Pingyang, living in the division every day." ”
A while ago, Lin Anqi went home to attend a funeral. In the early hours of the morning, she looked out into the darkness, listened to the band in the spiritual hall playing, and the guests playing mahjong lively, and she suddenly realized: "No matter where I go, eventually I will be pulled back to this place, facing everything I have to face, after all, my mother is still here." 」 ”
Before the cremation ceremony, someone asked for a cigarette, and Lin Anqi took out her mobile phone in a daze, not knowing who to contact for a while. After a while, the experienced elders understood and scolded, "Didn't you give it?" Why bother? The stove finally burned.
The town has its own rules of operation. /Figure unsplash
Lin Anqi finally understood that the skills she had learned outside that she thought were great could not be used to return to the town, the town had its own operating rules, and the smoke delivery incident was only a small microcosm. After so many years, hovering between big cities and small towns, she had long since become an outsider.
Lin Anqi's hometown of Enshi, Hubei Province, is vigorously developing tourism, which is a good thing for the city, but from a subjective point of view, these changes are rapidly encroaching on the town she remembers. New antique buildings, high-powered neon spotlights, and popular food that can be bought in any scenic spot are constantly eroding and spreading in her cells called "childhood memories".
"Probably because my dad left early, I always forced myself to remember some very detailed scenes, like a cow, and from time to time I came up with regurgitations, as if nothing had happened and everything was business as usual." But now it's all changed, and there's no going back. Lin Anqi was very sad, but she did not dare to mention it to her mother, for fear that her mother would be sad.
Lin Anqi's hometown of Enshi, Hubei Province.
For the heavy topic of death, Yang Lin and Lin Anqi also have a common language. Yang Lin's father died of overwork when she was 13 years old, and Lin Anqi's father died of lung cancer when she was 17 years old. Their mother raised them alone.
When I first went to college, in order to have a feeling of returning home, Yang Lin would come out after finishing makeup in the station toilet. At that time, she couldn't wait to show her hometown fathers and elders the breath she had learned in the big city: turn on the computer anytime and anywhere, and comb her hair into the shape of an adult.
Lin Anqi will often fall into a kind of resentment that she has never met, gritting her teeth and striving to go upstream, she is eager to be recognized, eager to hope that each of her skills can quickly cash in on the benefits, so that everyone will be impressed.
But now they are relieved and have lost interest in displaying their feathers. When they meet the kind of elders who like to preach, they also understand the need to show their feathers, patiently listen and smile and nod, but their hearts are not salty.
Look forward to one day to jump up and slap the pretense and hypocrisy
Lin Anqi has loved everything related to art since she was a child, but studying art is too expensive for her. Later, she won a public-funded exchange program in college and went to the United States as an exchange student for 5 months. Even if most of the fees have been reduced, the daily expenses still make her feel very stressed, she feels guilty, she feels sorry for her mother, the biggest gain of the trip to the United States is to make her understand the expensive dreams.
After graduation, Yang Lin went to work for a fashion magazine. /Courtesy of the interviewee
After graduation, Yang Lin went to work in fashion magazines, where undignifiedness was always in the shadows. In order to support herself, she gritted her teeth and bought a 30-year-old Medieval Chanel bag in Kyoto. Whenever she carefully squeezed the subway and passed through the security check with her bag, she would whisper to reassure: "In your life, have you ever suffered such grievances for anyone?" ”
But consumerism is to use consumption to absorb accomplices, and after a bag, countless bags are needed, and it is not easy to hold up the scene in the vortex of consumerism. Later, Yang Lin recognized the reality: "As long as you refuse to consume, you will be rejected forever." She quit her glamorous and well-paid job at a fashion magazine, carried her canvas bag back again, stepped on her pull-back shoes, and found a solid and simple happiness.
When they first entered the society, Yang Lin and Lin Anqi had hollowed out their hearts to cater to the art and fashion they wanted to pursue, and they were riveted to make good things and skills. But every time, the greater the hope, the greater the disappointment. Lin Anqi feels that they are very similar to the little mice in "Ratatouille", in the world they yearn for, they will be rewarded, but it is difficult to gain recognition. The movie "Ratatouille" has a bright tail - the little mouse has won praise for its extraordinary talent. But right now, they don't have this kind of blockbuster ability.
They look forward to the day when they can jump up and use their abilities and works to slap those who are pretending and hypocritical. /Courtesy of the interviewee
However, they no longer deified the things they could not get, and after "disenchanting" the seductive layer of frosting on the surface of the cake, they wanted to dig into the bottom of the cake with a spoon. They look forward to the day when they can jump up and use their abilities and works to slap those who are pretending and hypocritical.
At the end of The Little Town Girl's Homecoming, they mention Calvino's The Baron in the Tree. It was the story of Cosimo, a boy who, from the age of 12, was determined to live in trees away from the ground. His father advised Cosimo: "Rebellion is not measured by scale, and sometimes it is thought that only a few steps have been taken, but there is no chance to turn around and return." Cosimo retorted, "But I pee farther in the tree." ”
"Pee farther" may be just a joke, but "thinking deeper" can be achieved. Like Cosimo running towards the holm oak tree, they describe their current life as if they were on a tree, and the tree provides a comfortable psychological distance, a proper viewing perspective.
They were seemingly docile rebels who willingly set themselves a strict rule and stuck it out. Because whether it's for them or for others, without this rule, they won't be themselves. As Calvino writes in his book: "For many years I lived for ideals that I could not even explain to myself, but I did a good thing—living in trees." ”
Dedicated to the little girl, but also to the people in the trees.
Yang Lin said: "I always thought that my past was stumbling, my nose was blue and my face was swollen. But when I actually looked back at it, I saw that it was really bad, but it was still better than before. If life were a curve, I would have been on the rise. Now I am still haggling with the world, exchanging wild hopes for a little happiness with it, and exchanging those collapsed nights for a little invisible growth. ”