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Looking for the other half is about a chance to make your mind more complete, not to find someone who is perfect.
A partner in an intimate relationship is the most precious and brightest mirror by which you can find out what is hidden behind your reactions. You may find some of the trauma and deep shadows that have been carrying for a long time, maybe it's a pain in your childhood and youth, maybe something that's been around for generations, who knows?
The experience that you can face in an intimate relationship is the best opportunity for self-knowledge and self-awareness. Unfortunately, most people do not like such "being revealed", so they repeatedly deny and reject the mirror that reflects their own nature. In fact, in addition to intimate relationships, whether it is your relationship with your boss, colleagues, subordinates, girlfriends, or children.
In the book "Love, Not What You Think" incisively summarizes the five principles for achieving a happy and satisfying relationship:
1
Not to ask for it from the outside, but from within
The biggest problem in life is that you can't see yourself. Although this blindness is easy to understand – precisely because we can't see it, the problem is the problem. However, the problem is also here, when the problem occurs, we always have the habit of pointing our hands at others, but we forget to look at ourselves.
Why he speaks to you like this, that's his problem, why he uses that attitude, that's his business, who knows what he's thinking. But why do you care so much? Why do you feel hurt? Why are you so angry? The problem is you, and that's what you have to care about.
Close your eyes and look inside yourself. Forget the person who accused you, don't think about it, forget whatever others do, just go deep into yourself and you will find wounds within you.
You suffer, not because of someone else's mistake, they may have done something, but that is their business, and unless you have a wound on your body, you will not be affected by any kind of salt, water, or even casual touch.
The management relationship should always focus on yourself, and asking others to be responsible for you is equivalent to "asking for someone", you have become a slave, so sooner or later you will be led by the nose.
To be a master, one must understand: "Whatever happens to me, I must be unconditionally and fully responsible." "In the beginning you will feel frustrated because you can no longer find answers in others, but if you can persevere, continue to "ask inwardly", turn the hand pointing at others to yourself, turn the demands on others into requirements for yourself, and soon you will be able to live out yourself.
2
Not to change, but to accept
The purpose of love is to make each other learn to be "more ideal" and "more complete" people. However, the problem is also here, when people enter love, they are often confused, they are not to make themselves the ideal person, but to try to make the other party fit their ideals; not to make themselves a more complete person, but to expect the other party to fill their own shortcomings.
If you look at people's feelings, are they all picking each other's faults, trying to change each other? When you love a woman, you immediately start to improve her, and you think about how she should be. So, the quarrels between partners are for the same thing, the same problem, the same conflict. The wife has a concept that the husband should be like this, and the husband thinks that the wife should not be like that, and both sides are trying to change each other to make the other fit their "ideal version", and the result is that the original good relationship is very bad.
In the end, they don't even talk anymore, so what to say? Because as soon as the conversation began, the dispute had begun again, and it was an old problem, there was no room for change, anyway, it had been argued countless times, and each time the ending was the same, and they had been disappointed in each other.
Why did you once fall in love with this person and then keep trying to change him? If he has to get better for you to be able to love; or if he doesn't change, you don't love, that's not love, it's the condition you prescribe for love. If you try to change the other person, it means that you don't really love him, you love yourself.
If you really know how to love, you will allow yourself to be that ideal person, rather than changing others to conform to your ideals.
Ask others to change, change yourself first; to make things better, to make yourself better first. Finally giving up on changing others is called "maturity"; knowing how to change oneself is called "growing".
3
Not to become perfect, but to become complete
There are very rational men with a very emotional woman. For the man, this can develop his emotional side and become more complete. For women, cultivate a transcendent rational attitude and make her more balanced.
If these two people do not integrate their opposing energies, but try to change each other, they will be out of balance and divided. The man will become more rational and like to be reasonable; the woman will become more emotional and more "emotional". In this case, they will hate each other more and more.
To love a person, you can't just love half of it, you can't just love the part you love, if you want to love, you can love all of him. The part that loves his beauty also loves his ugly part, loves the present and loves the past, loves the advantages and loves the shortcomings, because the shortcomings are also part of him. You love an object, not an idol.
You're looking for the other half for the chance to make your mind more complete, not to find someone who is perfect.
4
Not to ask for love, but to love people
Everyone has needs, you need this, I need that. Often, we see an opportunity in each other that needs to be met. So the two of them started trading, and if you give me what you have, I'll give you what I have. People call this kind of transaction "love", and when the other party can't give you something of equal value, it is difficult for you to trade again, and you are "not loving".
If you look deeply into people's relationships, they're like business relationships. Many resentful couples often feel unwilling and feel that they have sacrificed too much; many people who have lost love or lost their marriage will be bitterly entangled and unwilling. Because I have repeatedly paid for you, you just should not fail me, you should give me back, this kind of love, and "business" What is the difference?
Because both people are pursuing their own desires, both demanding others in order to satisfy themselves, how can there be love in this relationship?
As long as you need others to love you, you are a person who lacks love, and if you lack love in your heart, how can you give love to people? It was as if two beggars were begging each other for something they didn't have.
Love is not a noun, but a verb. The feeling of love is the result of action.
Treat others the way you want others to treat you, and do what you want them to do for you.
5
Don't be provoked, but be grateful
You can know yourself through others. Yes, if no one else strikes you, you can't know your vulnerability; if no one else makes you resentful, you can't know your tolerance; if no one makes you angry, you can't know your own temperament.
Unfortunately, few people make good use of the mirror of relationships. When people find themselves in the mirror from others, they either turn around and turn a blind eye, or deny or destroy it.
The reason is simple: because this mirror makes me ugly, I destroy the mirror so that I am not ugly; because this person makes me ugly, so I ugly him... But is it useful to do so? Of course it doesn't work, no matter how many mirrors you break, you can't change your appearance.
If we had never met anyone in our life who hurt you, criticized you, or accused you, you would never grow up, wouldn't you?
Would you get angry at the doctor who diagnosed your disease? Even if a doctor cuts you, shouldn't you be grateful to him when you get treatment?
When someone else uses his "evil" to accomplish your "good," don't you feel that you should thank the other person?