Why We Can't Control Ourselves: The Science of Temptation, by Jack Lewis, translated by Zeng Zhaolei and Wang Yuanshuang, Chongqing University Press, September 2021.
Pride is a positive feeling
Arrogance is not all bad. The philosopher Aristotle even thought of it as a virtue, and not a general virtue, but a "crown of virtue." His reasoning goes like this: A proud person feels that he is enough to accomplish something great, and therefore finds himself motivated to achieve them. This special sense of pride means having enough confidence and determination to be undaunted by the challenges faced in an effort to achieve ambitious goals. Even in the face of adversity, it can make us determined to reach our goals. Aristotle's view may have merit. From a developmental psychology perspective, overcoming fear is probably one of the main reasons we are proud.
Babies experience basic emotions of happiness, sadness, anger, fear, disgust, interest, and surprise between the 6 months and 12 months of life. Pride (a type of self-conscious emotion) only begins to arise when it comes closer to the neurodevelopmental line. At about two years of age, babies begin to have the ability to understand whether their behavior is good or bad. Babies of this age show signs of pride when they receive feedback that they have been doing well. Instead, when they realize they've always been naughty, they show a characteristic sense of shame.
Stills from the movie The Mermaid (2006).
Pride is a positive, reinforcing feeling. It helps young children find a balance between an inner fear of the unknown and a natural urge to explore. Caregivers should provide guidance on their children's feedback behavior and encourage them to accept challenges in a safe situation. Children's pride is an emotional reward for overcoming fear and achieving goals, and such experiences make them more likely to persevere when they encounter obstacles in the future. Pride can also motivate children to explore their surroundings, which helps them develop their abilities.
Pride is a particularly difficult emotion to control because a moderate amount of pride is necessary, but both excessive pride and excessive humility can be problematic. Thinking back to childhood, a minute ago, our parents would tell us, "You know, the whole world is not revolving around you." In the next minute, your teacher will motivate you to "be proud of the academic results you've achieved." We were told that if we did, then we might get better grades, even a prize or some other recognition of our achievements. If we follow the advice and succeed in achieving our goals, we will be told: "You should be proud of yourself!" "So can we conclude that pride is a good thing?" When an adult overhears us bragging about our victories — in other words, when we dare to express our pride — we suddenly find ourselves scolded for our arrogance. You can't win.
Eventually, most people realize that there is a big difference between pride and showing pride to the outside world. It's acceptable to use pride as a tool to improve the level of play and overcome obstacles; but it's certainly not acceptable to brag about any of the achievements that this strategy brings. By looking at how athletes, musicians, and actresses perform in interviews and awards ceremonies, we can see that this is the case. To make a good impression, you should accept praise with obvious humility – even if your heart is really "full of arrogance, bad temper and pride"
Therefore, pride is a virtue only when it is a well-preserved secret. When we find ourselves being the object of praise, but want to avoid losing favor with others, the best thing to do is to politely decline or divert praise. It's confusing, and it's no wonder so many people make mistakes. But aren't celebrities the best examples of guiding social morality? This is certainly not what they are good at, but maybe religion can help guide the morality of society?
The ancient Greeks have been warning of the dangers of arrogance
Pope Gregory was not the first to warn of the dangers posed by the sin of pride, writing: "When the queen of pride, the sinful queen, has a conquered heart, she will immediately surrender to the seven deadly sins." Around 139 B.C., the Book of the Holy Covenant of Ruben, which appeared, described ten evils that should be avoided at all costs. Arrogance came in fourth, while vanity (then known as boasting) came in fifth place after arrogance. Hundreds of years later, in 375 A.D., the lonely Evarius, a monk who had spent most of his life meditating on God in the Egyptian desert, made a more concentrated list of eight types of evil thought. This special list is intended to guide his fellow monks who practice in the desert to sweat in the wilderness if they want to go to heaven and resist the various temptations listed in the list. On this list, "arrogance" fell to eighth place and "vanity" fell to seventh place.
Gregory completed his contemplation of pride, and by the time a book entitled MoraliainJob was published at the end of the sixth century, vanity and pride had been incorporated into the sin of pride. This evil deed was quickly elevated to the top of the list because of the double evil. He declared that pride was not only the most evil of the seven deadly sins, but also the source of all evil; the "queen" of sin, ruling over all evil.
Christianity is not the only religion that encourages humility against the evil effects of pride. Pride is one of the five "spiritual poisons" of the Buddhist Mayaha tradition, which is an obstacle to enlightenment; the Islamic hadith says that "even one element of pride" in the hearts of Muslims is enough to prevent them from entering heaven; and there are several passages in the Hindu holy scripture Bhagavad Gita that warn believers that pride is an ungodly trait.
The ancient Greeks had been warning of the dangers of arrogance since at least the sixth century BC, before the advent of Christianity. Aristotle warned: "Young people and rich people are arrogant because they have a sense of superiority." In ancient Greece, "hubris" did not describe an exaggerated pride and extreme arrogance, as is used in modern times, but a law prohibiting malicious humiliation. The specific acts in question refer to acts of physical and sexual violence committed to shame an adversary. Their culture was obsessed with the pursuit of honor and escaping shame, so arrogance began with crimes that robbed people of their honor. For now, it simply describes a man who believes he is better than everyone else.
In the famous greek mythology, Narcissus was an attractive male offspring born after the union of the fairy and the river god. This was largely due to his vanity, especially his fondness to stare endlessly at his reflection in the pool of water, and he was so obsessed with his own beauty. The often overlooked part of this story, and the most relevant part of understanding why the sin of pride is so destructive, is that this self-obsession prevents him from building meaningful relationships with others. He was dismissive of anyone who expressed love for him.
Poster for the movie Narcissist (2008).
German Bishop Peter Binsfeld spent most of the late 16th century thinking about the demon Lucifer. In 1589, he published an influential list that classified Lucifer as a crime of pride. As the story goes, Lucifer lost grace from the beginning because he was convinced that he was more important than all the other angels in heaven, and he tried to get all the other angels to worship him. God is not happy about this and thinks that this kind of behavior is completely unacceptable – which is understandable. So Lucifer and his cronies were soon banished to the abyss of hell. Even then, Lucifer felt that "it was better to be a ruler in hell than to serve others in heaven." This once again leads us to the conclusion that when one person (or angel) is convinced that he is superior to everyone else, ordinary pride crosses this threshold and becomes the pride of sin.
I must clarify an important point here: whenever I mention angels, demons, or any other supernatural character, I'm not saying they really exist. I just wanted to spice up the story a bit; there's no doubt a similar motivation to those who conceived these demonic characters in the first place. There is no scientific evidence to support the idea of demons versus demons, heaven or hell; so as a scientist, to me this is completely fictional. According to Dante, when Judgment Day comes, those who have spent their lives listening to Lucifer's whispers, acting as if they are more attractive, intelligent, and more important than others, will eventually drag heavy slates through hell forever to punish their arrogance. The implication seems to be that if proud sinners feel too important to carry a burden in life, the most appropriate punishment for them after death is hard work.
Narcissism is often accompanied by severe difficulties with empathy
While science is slowly but firmly stifling the notion of eternal punishment in hell, removing a potentially useful deterrent from being too complacent, it can at least explain why narcissistic behavior occurs in the first place. Happily, the sin of pride described by religion bears a striking resemblance to what science, psychology, and psychiatry call "narcissism." The term "narcissism" was first coined more than 100 years ago by Sigmund Freud at a conference of the Vienna Psychoanalytic Society. It meant very differently from what we mean today, specifically to caress one's body in the way one treats a lover. If that were the same meaning as it is now, it might appear in the chapter "Lust." Today, this definition excludes this sexual innuendo and more generally refers to self-concern.
Broadly speaking, narcissism includes an over-inflated sense of self-esteem and pompousness, often accompanied by severe empathy difficulties that lead to problems in meaningful connections with others. Recall that Narcissus did have problems in building intimate relationships. For a highly social animal like humans, this is the most corrosive aspect of narcissism or pride. To reiterate a key point in the "initial" chapter, that being connected to others and being accepted as a member of the inner circle is a powerful predictor of a person's happiness. People who are isolated in a sense, who are disconnected from any group that may support him during difficult times, whether family, friends, or people from the local community, are the people whose physical and mental health is most affected. Since narcissists are unable to build healthy relationships, this can be the key to understanding their own pain and the pain they bring to the lives of others.
Narcissism has two manifestations: subclinical manifestations (not so severe that they must go to a formal psychiatric hospital) and clinical manifestations (which are sufficiently destructive). Over the past few decades, both of these aspects have been studied in depth, providing a wealth of information for a better understanding of the evils of pride. Narcissism has seven different traits: pompous self-esteem and extreme vanity are usually the easiest to come to mind, but there are five lesser-known. Narcissists have a clear tendency to exploit others, and they tend to have a high sense of entitlement to feel that they are the authority on everything. They feel completely self-sufficient and convinced that they don't really need someone else.
In trying to answer "Who is the most vain celebrity in the world," tabloids, gossip magazines, and celebrity blogs have all taken a popular approach of aggregating the total number of selfies posted by each celebrity on their different social media accounts. Given Narcissus' obsession with his own image, this approach makes sense. By that measure, Kendal Jenna is currently the most vain celebrity on Instagram, and her half-sister Kim Kardashian is also active on the app. On Twitter, the Kardashian sisters and Jenna sisters have a combined of more than 150 million followers.
The medium in which they blatantly self-promoted even included a dedicated reality show, "Keep up with the Kardashians" (also translated as "Walking with the Kardashians"). Millions of viewers from around the world watch the show every week to learn about the latest developments in a series of monotonous photography, shopping trips and family farces filmed by sponsors. Obviously, many people don't think their blatant self-obsession is an abomination. Celebrity narcissistic desires seem limitless, and there is growing evidence that this phenomenon is affecting our attitudes toward vanity.
Poster for the fifteenth season of the reality show "Keep Up with the Kardashians."
Just a while ago, men were thought to be uninsured for their appearance. Of course, men groom and dress up on special occasions, but in general, men keep their grooming work to a minimum. But now the situation is different. Similarly, if a woman had undergone cosmetic surgery decades ago, the surgery would normally be kept strictly confidential and she might only share it with a few of her most trusted close friends. If asked publicly if she had "straightened out some places," most women would deny it. Nowadays, when women invite strangers to feel their newly groomed breasts, the attitude of "if you want, feel it" is no longer uncommon. Excessive narcissism no longer seems to be a shame. From small cosmetic measures such as teeth whitening to other major surgeries, cosmetic surgery is now so common that they are no longer particularly worthy of gossip. In fact, if a person chooses not to glorify himself with the flow, he is more likely to be gossiped about.
On the street, if someone walks up to you and offers to prick your face with a subcutaneous needle, you might call the police. However, every year more and more men and women receive Botulinum toxin (Botulinum toxin) injections to eliminate wrinkles and mask visible signs of aging. Data released by the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons shows that the number of cosmetic surgeries in the UK increased fivefold in the 10 years from 2003 to 2013. Rhinoplasty, plastic surgery and breast augmentation were once the preserves of the rich and famous, and now they are often given as birthday gifts to 16-year-old girls.
Looking for people with narcissistic symptoms among social media stars is simply pediatric. Take, for example, Kurt Coleman, a self-proclaimed Instagram superstar who describes himself as the Australian version of Paris Hilton. When asked why he took so many pictures of himself, his recorded response read: "Because I like what I see in the camera", "I'm hot, I love myself", "People are really jealous of me, I can understand why, but I will never change for anyone because I love myself". While most people think twice before admitting that they have such a high opinion of themselves, this complete lack of humility suggests that excessive vanity, pompousness, and extreme self-esteem, all of which are core characteristics of narcissism, are perfectly acceptable online.
How do narcissists form?
There is an influential theory that attempts to show what sows the seeds of narcissism. This theory describes two different ways of parenting, but ultimately both make it difficult for children to distinguish between "self" and "others." This process is largely influenced by the baby's daily interactions with their parents or caregivers; it also influences who the baby spends most of their time with and with whom they have the closest connection. In general, a neglectful parent or caregiver does not devote enough time to interacting with their child to determine the starting point of their "self" and "other" in the outside world.
On the other hand, too much attention to children, the so-called "helicopter education", can also be problematic. This way of educating children is unable to develop their own problem-solving skills by constantly giving their children directions and always telling them what to do, how they should feel and think. Any parenting style can hinder the development of a healthy, independent sense of self, leading to a lifetime of constantly seeking feedback from others for comfort. The "livable zone" between the two extreme parenting styles of neglect and helicopter is more conducive to the formation of a healthy and well-developed sense of self. In this case, the child is able to learn to judge the appropriateness of his own behavior and self-worth, and thus become more independent of others.
In addition to the influence of too much or too little attention on parenting styles, the details are the key when it comes to feedback on how to guide pride toward virtue or sin. When parents and caregivers give feedback on whether the child's current behavior is good or bad, that is, a temporary judgment, it is no problem; but when the feedback is expressed in absolute terms, the trouble begins. Comments like "You're such a naughty kid" or "This is my perfect little princess" may seem completely harmless, but if used continuously, they can inadvertently sow the seeds of narcissism.
Poster for the movie Phil King: Narcissistic As I Am (2021).
Problems arise when parents or caregivers respond to a child's behavior in language that sounds like an assessment of the child's overall worth. If children don't hear something like, "This is a naughty thing" or "Why are you so hard today," but instead always hear "You're a bad kid" or "Why are you always so naughty," then they will gradually internalize the message and eventually accept the idea that they have a problem. This can lead to a deeply accepted belief that they are fundamentally bad, which can eventually lead to the conclusion that they don't deserve love.
Sadly, all of this ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy that children act according to the labels given to them, internalizing them. The most troublesome narcissist is the never-ending pursuit of praise and positive affirmation, which often has a strong sense of worthlessness at its core. It's a "fragile" narcissism. Another form of narcissism is "pompousness," which can also stem from inappropriate feedback from parents or caregivers. But the problem this time is that regardless of whether the child's recent behavior is good or bad, they always maintain positive feedback on the child's behavior. Parents who are overly doting on their children try to support their children forever can also lead to their children's narcissism. When a child is put on the altar by his parents and constantly praised (regardless of their actual behavior), and the parents try to avoid criticism for fear of hurting the child's feelings, the child may eventually internalize the message that they will not make mistakes. This leads to an inflated sense of entitlement and "pompous" narcissism.
To avoid situations that unexpectedly trigger narcissistic consequences, it is necessary to cultivate the positive aspects of a child's pride, and the rule of thumb is: give love unconditionally – determining that the child deserves to be loved – and feedback on whether their current or recent behavior is good or bad as a completely independent question.
The original author | Jack Lewis
Excerpts | Ho also
Edit | Rodong
Proofreading | Li Ming