Anger, like fear, is an emotional response to something that threatens our very existence. Anger reminds us of danger and forces us to take action: to fight for fear and anger. Attempts to completely stifle anger can lead people astray and are doomed to failure. In fact, if a child is unable to experience and express anger, he may be misunderstood, lose the protection of others, and even face danger. He might even point his anger at himself.
When a child grows up, he needs to control his emotions to perceive the reasons behind them. He must learn to express emotional responses effectively so that those around him can understand him and give a positive response. But in most cases, a child's anger leads to impulsive behavior so that he doesn't have a chance to understand why he's angry and what he can do about it.
[Fireworks] the cause of the child's anger
Some adults think anger is an ugly emotion that will be snuffed out at all costs. But anger is an unavoidable and necessary emotion. Anger can be triggered by different factors, but its presence is also meaningful to the child. Before deciding how to most effectively help your child deal with anger, it is important to understand the causes of anger.
The most common cause of anger is threats to survival or happiness, including pain, hunger and fear, as well as the expectation of falling into danger and loneliness. These threats are unavoidable early in life. For example, when babies start screaming, parents fall into a breakdown: "What's the matter?" I've fed him and he's changed diapers, what else can I do? "Parents will keep thinking, standing next to the baby, rubbing their hands. The baby looked up at his parents, his cries escalating from protest to anger, making sharp, piercing cries as if to say, "Why don't you do something?" "There's also the earliest form of anger that stems from unmet needs, which can be seen throughout childhood. When a 5-year-old's ear was infected, he sobbed at his father and doctor: "My ears hurt so much, and you can't do anything!" His dad was as helpless as the child, and he was equally devastated to hear this.
As the child grows older, other causes of anger arise, one of which is failure, the inability to accomplish what he wants to do. When a baby can't get what he wants to take, he's experiencing failure. Failure isn't just that he can't get what he wants, it's also frustration that he can't get those things "on his own".
Shame and shame often go hand in hand with failure, and this often makes children angry. This experience comes from the child's understanding of what people around him expect from him and being able to measure whether his performance meets the standards of others. Usually, children before the age of 3 are unable to compare their performance with the standards of others.
When a 4-year-old can't sort round and squares quickly within the allotted time, he silently buries his head in the palm of his hand. He was ashamed that he hadn't passed the test, but his shame quickly turned into anger directed at the tester. He ran out of the room and refused more tests. Can you criticize him for that?
Anger is triggered not only by threats to survival, but also by threats to emotional well-being. At first, when the child responds to the threats with anger, he does not seem to be able to clearly realize the possibility of the emotion feeling the attack. For example, when a parent leaves the room, the toddler may be furious, and his protest seems to be expressing: "Don't leave me!" But what he can't explain to himself or others is: "I feel lonely." ”
But by the age of 3, some children's experiences of emotional threats are clear enough to know that some people are "hurting" their "feelings." What emotions will hurt such a young child? Now they want to be capable ("I'm good at using the toilet"), accepted, and belonging ("She wants me to play with her"). Children are convinced of this and become very vulnerable when attacked. Small things that hurt a child's feelings can also damage his self-esteem, such as when the child wets the bed or fails to meet up with friends to play with, she will feel "I am not good for anything" and "no one likes me". To prevent a child from directing anger at himself, he may need help from an adult to adjust expectations: "It's okay, everyone has an accident." ”
By the age of four or five, a new trigger for anger emerged. At this age, children have begun to struggle with the concepts of "right" and "wrong". Now, the strongest and most domineering child can no longer force the children around him to act the way he wants, and accordingly, fairness is beginning to matter. When a child of this age is frustrated or feels sad and wronged in the process of achieving his goals, he will definitely shout: "This is not fair!" ”
A 4-year-old will definitely protest that something is unfair in order to achieve his own ends. It's still a good opportunity to help him think about what "fairness" really is. "Maybe it's not fair to let your sister go first and win the game. But if you don't, you know you'll definitely win the game because you're older than her. Do you think that's fair? ”
Later, you will be relieved that your child has the ability to fight for fairness. Anger does not erupt only when one's self-interest is threatened; on the contrary, anger is also a common human emotion in the face of these things when others are tormented by injustice. The world needs more adults to focus on fairness and have the ability to shout for it. Through careful thinking and planning, anger also does not need to be put into rough impulsive behavior.
[Fireworks] anger is not properly dealt with
When anger does not achieve its original purpose, there are usually five possible consequences.
1. The anger is staged again and again, and it gets more and more intense, until the child gets what he wants.
2. Anger builds up until he vents uncontrollably, and the degree of outburst is too much of a fuss than the fuse.
3. Suffering accumulates, but it is no longer enough to focus on the causes of anger. Instead, the child will begin to make revenge a goal. For example, if anger caused by pain is left untreated for too long, the child will have the urge to hurt the person who seems to be responsible for the pain, or the person who does not respond. The purpose of "tit-for-tat" may be more or less obscured, and the extent of the mask depends on the age and maturity of the child. When a child tries to hide such appeals, he is also working hard to do so, which of course requires him to be smart enough and have the potential to control his anger. When a child is afraid of the terrible consequences of his own direct attack, a counterattack through passive attack is more likely to occur.
4. Anger turns into hatred. The counterattack is then more likely to take the form of pouting, sullenness, withdrawal, and directing it at the person the child believes is responsible for the problem.
5. Because of the fear of provoking others, the feeling of anger will be directed towards the self, leading to self-destructive behavior.
All of these possibilities make it easy to understand why stifling anger is an irrational solution and why it's so important to help children understand anger emotions and express them effectively.
[Fireworks] a way to help children calm their anger
Stop their behavior and let the child stay on his own for a while away from the present scene: Sometimes leaving the source of anger is a crucial first step. When a child says "don't talk to me" or "walk away" or "leave me alone," he may be trying to get himself out of anything that makes him angry so that he can regain control.
Soothing— an effort to calm the child down: for example, soft sounds, gentle shaking, lullabies, hugs. But parental appeasement also requires a good time. He is inaccessible to him when the child is furious and needs to be on his own for a while, and only when these are over does he need and respond to the hugs of his parents.
Self-soothing – The child tries to soothe himself/herself: for example, by sucking his thumb, curling his body, talking to himself, or singing.
Diversion or distraction: For example, think of something fun, pay attention to something interesting, and be attracted to interesting activities.
Physical activity: For example, hitting sandbags or pillows, slapping balls, running or cycling, or even just taking a shower or drinking a glass of water.
Creative expression: kneading a plasticine ball, or scribbling paper with crayons, scribbling graffiti, drawing angry monsters or making up stories for them, building blocks out of a tall building and then pushing them down, using ragdolls and dolls to present angry scenes, etc.
"Speak up about feelings". Chatting with someone who understands the situation can ease anger. Sometimes shouting is useful, but sometimes it's not.
New perspective: When a child is able to speak, it helps him identify the emotions behind anger.