What is love – falling in love is not love

People who fall in love often confess passionately: "I love her!" ”。 It's just a subjective wish.

You don't really think that a man and a woman who are "in love" is called love, do you? Or do you think falling in love is at least a manifestation of love?

True love is a special experience of self-improvement, and there is a close correlation between self boundaries, and we can't help but ask, what is self-boundaries?

Let's take the growth of babies as an example. In the first seven months of life, babies are unable to distinguish between themselves and the outside world. As he crawls around the floor, it feels like the whole world is moving with him; he feels hungry. He thought the whole world was starving with him; he saw his mother moving, he thought he was moving with her; her mother hummed a lullaby, and he thought it was his own voice. In the sense of the newborn baby, between everything that moves and is fixed, between him and the people around him, between the individual and the whole world, there is no boundary or difference.

As the baby grows up, the knowledge and experience increase, and it is discovered that he and the world are not the same thing. He felt hungry, and his mother did not necessarily appear immediately and fed him water; when he wanted to play, his mother may not be able to cooperate in time to play simple games with him. His will and his mother's behavior are two very different things. In this case, the baby's "self" arises and self-awareness begins to emerge.

When the baby realizes that his desires are his own and not the wishes of the world around him, he begins to make a distinction between himself and the world. When he wanted to move, his arms could move, but the crib and the ceiling were not.

So the baby knows that his arm is so closely connected to his desire that the arm is his "possession" and not something else, much less someone else's arm. In the first year of life, we, as babies, know some basic common sense: who we are and who we are not; what we are and what we are not. A year after birth, we know clearly: this is my arm, my feet, my head, my tongue, my eyes, even my perspective, my voice, my thoughts, my stomach aches, my feelings... At this time, we can distinguish more differences between ourselves and the external world, and we can recognize the size of the body and the limitations of physical fitness. Such a perception is called "self-boundaries."

The awareness and development of self-boundaries continues into adolescence and beyond adulthood. When children reach about two or three years old, they are more able to realize that their abilities are limited. Until then, although he knew that he could not get his mother to act exactly according to his wishes, he would still confuse his wishes and thoughts with her actions. Two or three year older children. It is often the "little emperor" in the family, and if things don't go well, they will be furious and even turn the world upside down. By the age of three, the child's attitude has narrowed and he has a deeper understanding of the limitations of his own abilities, but his mind still fantasizes about how to do whatever he wants. This mentality can only gradually disappear after a few more years, when he has suffered more blows. Before that, he still fantasized about his omnipotence, and stories such as the powerful Superman and the Space Flyer were also the most popular with them. For teenagers entering adolescence, Superman and Flying Man can no longer meet their emotional needs. However, they felt more truly how limited their physical bodies and abilities were! They are also vaguely aware that all individuals must unite and cooperate with each other in order to survive better. They desire to break through their own limitations, but they are limited by their own boundaries, which usually causes them helpless pain.

Living forever in the "self-limit" will only bring loneliness to people. Some "neurasthenics" who receive psychotherapy usually have a very unhappy childhood and even suffer different degrees of harm. For them, the world is full of dangers, self-boundaries are the umbrella, and loneliness and loneliness can bring security. But most people still long to get rid of loneliness and break out of the cage of self-boundaries. The fallen love network seems to be able to make it "escape", to get rid of loneliness and loneliness (although this escape is temporary): the fallen love network (love), means that a certain part of the self boundary suddenly collapses, making our "self" and the "self" of others one. We suddenly burst out of our boundaries, and emotions are like a torrent of broken banks. The momentum rushed to the loved ones. So the loneliness disappears, replaced by an indescribable sense of ecstasy, and we are united with our lovers and fall in love, which is a degeneration of emotions and hearts. Bonding with our loved ones, echoing the memories of childhood with our parents, as if experiencing the thrill of omnipotence in childhood, we feel powerful and powerful, and it seems that nothing can stop us from fulfilling our wishes. We feel that love is incredibly powerful and can conquer everything. Our future is bright. But we don't realize that such feelings are illusory and often disconnected from reality. This feeling is as incomprehensible as a two-year-old child who thinks he can dominate the world.

The harsh reality, sooner or later, will defeat the fantasies of two-year-olds, and it will also crush our dreams of love. Daily trifles and problems can cause us to have contradictions and conflicts. Men crave sex, but women refuse because they are in a bad mood; women want to watch movies, but men want to stay at home and watch TV; men want to put money in the bank, women want to buy dishwashers; women want to talk about their jobs, men want to talk about his work.

Both sides were surprised and painfully realized that they were not integrated with each other, their desires, hobbies, and ideas were far apart, and the situation seemed to be difficult to change, and the gap seemed to be impossible to shorten. Their respective boundaries of self are reunited, and they revert to two different individuals. If the illusion is shattered, it may face the situation of Labor and Yan flying apart.

Needless to say, if they want to avoid this situation, they must face reality and learn to truly know and love each other. Why should I use the word "real"? I want to emphasize that the fallen love network is not real love, but just an illusion. Couples can only truly love each other if they are out of love. The basis of true love is not love, or even the feeling of being in love, and there is no need to base it on it.

Love is a willingness to improve oneself in order to promote the intellectual maturity of the self and others. The goals of the parties' conscious and subconscious minds must be consistent.

Love is a long and gradual process. Love is self-improvement, which means that the mind is constantly maturing.