There is a debate in the "Strange Story" that is titled "I am an independent woman, should I receive a bride price?" ”
As a result, everyone began to express their views on "independence", and the most impressive thing was what Professor Liu Qing said.
"When you treat yourself as a crop, you grant this restriction and accept it, and you lose something partially in this sense.
Independence is a relational concept, and the concept of independence and non-independence is meaningless when no one has any relationship with a person.
Independence is a position in a relationship that allows you to make your own decisions that you are willing to make, and that constraint is not forced, which is called independence. ”
The root of independence is that we should have the right to choose.
We have the right to choose how old we are to fall in love, whether to receive a bride price or not, whether to rely on our other half........
Instead of having to fight all the problems alone, we must not spend a penny on men and swear to die as improper housewives.......
These are nothing more than the banner of "independence" and trapping people in cages.
Is it true that a person who is independent must perfectly solve the problems encountered in his career and family by himself?
Isn't this a disguised shackle and discipline?
Nowadays, many people dare not rely on others.
Not only is there a fear of being hurt or there is already despair of dependence, but also a shame to rely on others, a sign of one's own inability.
So grit your teeth and insist that one person faces all the difficulties, thinking that this is true independence.
But this lack of dependence, strong support of independence, is nothing more than "false independence."
So why do we fall into "false independence"?
01
In the fourth episode of "Hard to Say And Want to Hear", the dialogue between a mother and son made many netizens feel empathy.
Her mother was a strong, brave female warrior, and even if she was not a law student, she could go on the field to help relatives fight lawsuits.
In her eyes, her son and she were very different.
She believes that her son needs to become independent and strong in order to have a foothold in this society where the weak eat the strong.
So she used various methods to force her son to be independent.
For example, her son learned to skate, fell back and forth 13 times, and friends around her couldn't help but persuade her to help her, but she fiercely refused, letting him fall and climb again until he learned.
When her son was 18 years old, she cut off her son's financial resources and left him alone in England to brush dishes to survive.
She hoped that her son could survive in this society, and even if she hated her, she recognized it.
The mother's intentions were good, but the son felt that no one would help me.
In his son's view, after the death of his grandparents, his home was gone, and there was no one to rely on him.
His mother would not give him companionship and love, but would only constantly put high demands on him.
He choked up and said:
"Everyone is wronged outside, and their parents are protecting them."
Although I am a Beijinger, I am like a north drifter, and even the north drift can go home, but I don't even have a way to retreat. ”
This kind of "false independence" deliberately trained by parents is by no means true independence, but a despair of love and cannot be loved.
In addition to this, there is a kind of "pseudo-independence" that comes from early experience.
In the variety show "My Little Two Mouths", Qi Lanyi was ridiculed by the guests as "Too Zuo".
For example, one day after learning guzheng, she found that it was raining heavily outside, and wanted her husband ruofeng to pick her up.
But when her husband asked if he wanted to pick her up, she said:
"Look at yourself."
Therefore, the husband who was still sleeping chose not to pick up.
She had to crouch in the doorway, taking a taxi while complaining about her husband.
After returning home, because of this incident, she chose to have a cold war with her husband.
But not long after the cold war, she wanted her husband to take care of herself, but because she couldn't say it, she had to pinch her husband's face.
As a result, I was scared by my husband's words "Don't touch me", and I quickly hid aside.
Although Qi Lanyi looks "doing", in fact, she is "doing" because she longs for love, but does not dare to boldly rely on the other party, which will appear to be "doing".
And she did this because she was put in school by her parents from an early age.
There is no one to rely on, and it is difficult to feel the care of others, so I get used to relying on myself.
Asking for help and relying on others was an act that was foreign to her.
Bearing alone and having no one to rely on is the norm of life.
The real reason why many people are now caught up in "false independence" is precisely these 2 points.
02
So how do we get rid of "false independence"?
Face up to the need for dependency
Accept positively your instinct to rely on others and tell yourself that it's not a shameful thing to do.
To face your inner needs more realistically, to realize that you have the desire to depend on others, is to make yourself a more complete and real individual.
When we have the right understanding, we will be willing to take the first step of dependence on others.
To feel intimate with others
Recognize that your partner or friend is trustworthy.
In fact, when we are unwilling to rely on others for help, we may not believe them, but fear the pain of not being responded to and not being helped as a child.
Therefore, we need to realize that the pain of the past has passed, and the present is the most important.
When we choose to escape, we might as well take a few deep breaths, interrupt the pain that automatically recollects in our minds, and then go back to the present moment and think about the intimate relationships we have with others now.
Then see how the person in front of us answers us.
We may find that he/she is willing to make us dependent, and can also make us dependent.
In this way, the idea that "no one can rely on" will also be self-defeating.
Recognize self-worth
Some people will think that dependence on others is a manifestation of their own loss of personal value.
So, find out your strengths and write them down.
For example:
"What are my strengths?"
"What am I good at?"
"What are my good abilities?"
"What evidence is there to prove that I'm okay?"
When you write it down, you will find that relying on others does not lead to the loss of your own value.
I believe that seeing this, some people may think that there is no need to get rid of "false independence".
Because not relying on others can make you feel safe and unharmed.
But in this way, in fact, we will unconsciously lose a lot of experience and fun as a person.
Even though we may be hurt in trying to get rid of the "false independence," we may be healed if we succeed once.
After healing, we can feel truly independent, incomparably stretched, down-to-earth, comfortable and loving.
Isn't it well worth it to look at it this way?
People have a short life, you may as well be bold!
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