01
What is a tool man?
At the exit of the subway station, a couple of men and women were seen arguing fiercely.
Suddenly I heard the girl say loudly: "I've had enough, and I don't want to be your tool man anymore!" ”
So, what is a tool man?
Tool man, Internet buzzword, generally refers to someone who, without knowing it, or willingly, helps others, works hard, and pays on call.
Emotionally, materially, and financially unrequited, he has always been used or called upon by the other party like a tool.
On November 8, 2020, Tool Man was selected as "Top Ten Internet Hot Words in 2020" by Youth Digest.
Tool people are characterized by giving without reservation, but usually do not get even a little emotional response.
Because the positioning that the other party gives you in the heart is a tool for objectification, not a person who has emotions, needs to respond, and has emotions.
When the other party uses themselves, some tool people will secretly rejoice and feel that it is useful to get their own place after all.
Tool people love a person, will love without self-esteem, love without reservation, put themselves into the dust, but also step on two feet, even so, TA also lives in his own world, unwavering.
02
Being a tool man wasn't my choice, but I didn't have a choice
The pine nuts in "The Life of the Rejected Pine Nuts" are typical tool people.
She was a tool for her family. Parents and friends gave their love to their sister, never lukewarm to her, and only noticed her when they needed to use her.
To this end, she dressed in colorful clothes and entertained relatives, desperately using various ugly ways to attract attention and thirst for love.
She is a tool for colleagues. Aaron steals money, she wants to help Aaron lose money, but is mistaken for the person who stole the money.
Colleagues not only did not speak for her, but did not care about her usual help, and fell into the well at a critical moment, resulting in Matsuko being unable to gain a foothold in the company and losing her job.
She is a tool for men. She gave her all her heart, loved herself, but was forced to do what she didn't want to do, was abused by domestic violence, was cheated by money, and finally no man was willing to stay for her.
All these instrumental feelings brought her fatal damage------ she was rejected by herself.
She said: "I am sorry to be human".
She did not form a perfect personality in her growth, and her response to the outside world was full of low self-esteem, and in the process of being constantly objectified and squeezed, she could only passively leave.
Tool people often do not have a strong self, no clear principles and boundaries, their sense of self-worth and recognition, and more from the evaluation of others and the views of the outside world.
They tend to find themselves in various relationships, obtain certainty evaluations, and build inner security, but they live other people's lives.
03
The Instrumental Man in Social Relations: Narrow and Broad
The famous scholar Xu Zidong mentioned in the "Round Table School" that the first social relationship and the second social relationship in social relations.
The first social relationship includes parents and relatives, which belongs to the narrow sense of social relations.
The second social relationship, which includes friends, relatives, colleagues and others, is a broad social relationship.
In the first social relationship, we usually willingly become tool people, without asking for anything in return, full of joy in the process of giving.
Psychologist Adler said: We realize the contribution of others through labor, participate in the community, experience "I am useful to others", and then obtain the value of our own existence.
This state of satisfaction from contribution is more reflected in the care of family.
Yan Geling's "Lu Gang Yan Zhi" tells such a story:
The wife loves her husband wholeheartedly, but the husband is very cold to his wife after returning from studying abroad.
For some reason, the husband was imprisoned. His wife did not abandon him, sent clothes and warmth on time, and waited outside for more than 10 years.
Later, her husband wanted to transfer to prison, and in order to see him, she waited for 7 days near the prison.
When the husband learned of this, he was deeply moved. He began a thorough introspection and repentance, feeling that his wife's love was the most precious thing under the heavens.
More than 20 years later, the white-haired husband was released from prison, but the old wife who greeted him was already demented and could not recognize him.
He lived every day with an old wife who did not know him, and his heart was full of gratitude and peace.
He is grateful that he still has the opportunity to take care of his beloved wife, and can reciprocate this affection with actions when she needs him most.
In a sense, she was his tool man in the first half of his life, and he was her tool man in the second half of his life.
But human feelings are far beyond tools, and the payment of our parents and relatives should not be defined by tool people, it is more of a willing dedication at the center of the social ethical chain, not rational consideration.
We receive selfless love and affirmation from the careful care of our loved ones, which is based on the purest emotions of human beings, which is the basis of personality perfection and the most primitive quality of family affection.
It does not presuppose giving back and grabbing, and the recipient voluntarily reciprocates with the same love and responsibility.
04
We are all instrumental people in a sense
Lu Xun said in (the cause of the "True Biography of Ah Q"):
As a tired cow, I know that it is useless, but why not use waste, so the Zhang family wants me to cultivate a bow, yes;
The Li family wants me to grind one by one, and it is okay;
The Zhao family asked me to stand in front of his shop for a moment, and posted an advertisement on my back: Our store has fat cows and sells high-quality disinfectant and nourishing milk.
But if I use it too hard, it will not work, I will have to forage for grass and eat it myself, and I will have to gasp for breath;
If you want to refer to me as a cow of a certain family, and put me in his cattle prison, it is not okay, and I may sometimes have to grind a few times for other families.
If even meat is to be sold, then naturally it is even worse, for self-evident reasons, and there is no need to elaborate.
If I encounter the above three no, I will run, or simply lie in the barren mountains.
Mr. Lu Xun's words have three meanings: first, work cannot be too bitter; second, it cannot be exclusive; third, respect professional boundaries and cannot damage the basic life of literature.
This view basically draws the boundaries of being a tool, which is different from the tool person who gives wholeheartedly and does not seek returns, but the exchange of values in social relations.
We are the tools of the boss, the tools of friends, the tools of strangers, and this relationship is essentially a reciprocal exchange of interests.
It has boundaries, this cooperation only exists for a certain period of time, and we can actively lift it.
Kant said: Man is man, not a tool for any purpose. Tools are only means, talents are the end.
05
How to avoid becoming a tool man?
Adler said that how someone sees the "world" and how they see "themselves", the concept of bringing together these "ways of giving meaning" can be understood as a way of life.
The self-worth system of tool people is not complete and full, and they do not have strong self-confidence, and their way of life is more based on how others see the world, so in the process of looking at themselves, they are easy to blindly obey the will of others.
So, how do you avoid becoming a tool man?
1. Train your own deep independent thinking ability.
The easiest way to develop this ability is to read the classics. Reading books can exercise the ability to think deeply, and over time, you will develop a pair of eyes that see the essence through phenomena.
They can also take you to places where you can't measure your feet, experience different lives, let you broaden your horizons, increase your wisdom, and enlarge the pattern.
2. Build a sense of control over your life.
Tool people in the relationship with each other, often blindly follow the thinking and actions of others, the sense of control is very low.
Then, you must be brave enough to face your own heart, have a dialogue with the self that is cowering in the corner, and encourage it to stand up strongly, and your life does not need the guidance of others.
3. Self-awakening.
Don't give the right to summarize yourself to others, at all times, have your own main line, only you can be responsible for your own life.
4. Build self-confidence and start small.
Confident action precedes confident thoughts, you can complete a small thing, give yourself a thumbs up, then challenge other things, and then gradually transition to a higher level of self-affirmation.
5. Face up to your emotional needs and positioning, and respect any emotions you have.
Being used as a tool is not a pleasant experience, it is not easy to withdraw from it and regain self-confidence, allowing one's own weaknesses and mistakes, facing one's heart, accepting and sympathizing with oneself.
Everyone can't guarantee that they will always be right, the key is to gain experience and wealth from mistakes.
Roman. Roland said: The most terrible enemy is that there is no strong faith.
We have no control over what has happened, but we can control how we respond to it, and in the process we must strengthen our convictions and affirm our own value.
Don't be a tool person, reduce self-objectification in life, respect yourself, and look at everything as a human being rationally and peacefully.
Just start acting, it's never too late, you deserve a better life.