Hello everyone, I'm Mommy.
Half a month ago, Li Lianglei wrote a letter to conclude the dispute.
Unexpectedly, this matter, there is a follow-up.
First, someone broke out Li Lianglei's intimate photo, alluding to her marital infidelity. However, he was soon punched in the face... The group photo "man" is actually a girl.
Wang Lihong was not idle, taking a group of strangers to forcibly "visit" the child, directly scaring Li Lianglei to the police.
Wang Lihong "visits" the child's surveillance video
Li Lianglei showed no weakness and posted evidence that Wang Lihong had purchased a water army. People know that Wang Lihong has been controlling public opinion.
Li Lianglei provided: Wang Lihong purchased the "water army" voucher
At present, this tug-of-war is not over, but we have no intention of paying attention to what is right and wrong.
As a mother, I did get some inspiration from Li Lianglei's education methods.
02
Before Li Lianglei chose to expose Wang Lihong's various bad deeds on the Internet, many people said that she did not consider her children's feelings at all, worried that her children would be bullied at school.
But in fact, whether from the past long articles or the latest responses, we can see that a mother has done the greatest protection for the physical and mental health of her children.
Even during the complete collapse of the marriage of the two people and the two people pulling each other on the Internet, Li Lianglei is trying to maintain Wang Lihong's image as a good father in the hearts of the children.
Until Wang Lihong and 3 male staff members, without Li Lianglei's permission, tried to forcibly break into her and the children's residence and personally tore this perfect mask.
The children had to get involved in the struggle of their parents, which has long exceeded Li Lianglei's expectations, but she still believes that with her careful companionship and education over the years, the children have a strong enough psychological quality and resilience to stand up on their own.
It is true that everyone has their own way to go. As parents, we cannot clear all the obstacles in the path of life for our children.
The only thing we have to do, and must do, is to help them develop strong psychological qualities and the ability to remove obstacles.
How to cultivate? The method is nothing more than words and deeds.
Today, we focus on "word transmission", that is, "speak well".
03
Try to pause for 3 seconds when you want to get angry
Many readers confide that they often yell at their children and regret it afterwards. In fact, I have had this experience too.
I was cooking in the kitchen that day, and when I was done, I saw my son throwing all the toys on the floor and sitting in the kitchen doorway playing with the car.
I couldn't help yelling at him for a moment, "Play while playing, don't get in the way here."
The son was slightly frightened, a little frightened, but he did not expect that the next second he gently comforted me, "Mom, don't be angry, I am afraid when you talk very loudly."
He was so sensible that I blamed myself.
Why can't I control yelling at my child? I think it's because there's no cost.
Only children will rely on me and trust me as always after I have finished yelling.
I said to my son, "I'm sorry, after my mother corrects it, will you come to be a supervisor?" ”
Since then, I have deliberately reminded myself not to speak when I want to get angry, pause for 3 seconds (take a deep breath), and then the volume will naturally decrease when I open my mouth.
In fact, not only for children, but also among adults. After forcing myself to change, I can clearly feel that there are many fewer language conflicts in the family, and the family atmosphere is much more harmonious.
Dr. Laura Markham, founder of the American Heart Association, believes:
Long-term yelling at their children by family members will have a negative impact on their brains and spirits, bringing double pressure. Even cut off communication with parents, forming a self-enclosed psychology.
04
Express your true feelings to your child
I don't know if you feel this way too, and you feel particularly guilty after rejecting your child every time.
In fact, what really requires guilt is not the rejection itself, but whether the way of rejection is appropriate.
Last weekend, I worked overtime for a day, exhausted, and didn't even want to say a word. When I got home, I lay on the bed and didn't want to move, but my son pestered me to play with him.
If I force my energy to play with him, it will inevitably be perfunctory to him, but let him play unhappily.
"You play by yourself", after I refused, he cried and cried and did not leave.
My mom woke me up with a sentence "Of course the child will be unhappy, and he doesn't know why you don't play with him" .
Yes, my own feelings are important, but my child's feelings are equally important.
I quickly said to my son: Baby, now mom is a little tired, want to rest, you play with grandma first, mom will play with you after an hour, okay?
The child nodded seriously, walked out of the bedroom, and closed the door intimately.
Yes, children are actually far more sensible than adults think.
Raising children does not require us to blindly sacrifice ourselves. We can grow together in a comfortable state while taking into account the needs of both parties.
It's a really great feeling.
Education expert Filipa Perry said:
If you take your child seriously about his feelings in the first few years of his birth, the child will gradually know that even if the feelings are uncomfortable in the moment, the situation will improve, which is the basis for raising an emotionally stable child.
05
Concise commands tend to be more effective than nagging
I clearly remember that when I was adolescence, I was very incomprehensible to my mother's nagging and very resistant. It is often in a state where the left ear goes in and out of the right ear. And swore that she would refuse to nag after becoming a mother.
However, punches in the face came unexpectedly.
My son loves to bounce on the couch and I worry about it every time.
Once, I advised him: Okay, don't jump, what should I do if I fall? I haven't fallen before, and when it hurts, you have to cry your nose, so sit down!
My son continued to jump as if there was no one around, and he didn't listen to me at all.
"No matter how many children are too lazy to listen", I suddenly realized that I had become a mother - I only cared about whether the child was obedient or not, and did not care about the child's feelings at all.
Nagging made the child resistant and built psychological defenses to refuse to accept my concern.
I thought it would be better to be brief than to be chattering. A gentle and firm refusal can make the child aware of the seriousness.
So I readjusted the language, "It hurts, come down!" ”
Seeing that I was serious, my son did not hesitate and immediately did so.
So when the child feels that you are nagging, you may wish to repeat it a few times less, the language is clearer and more concise, and there may be unexpected gains.
Education expert Yin Jianli said:
Nagging is like a small knife, slowly cutting the child, inadvertently little by little, the child's conscious consciousness, happy emotions, imagination, creativity are shredded and destroyed.
06
Don't express your concern by complaining
Think about it, do you often complain about children?
Once, grandma was washing dishes in the kitchen, and the son had to move a small stool to wash with him, at first grandma was worried about insecurity and refused him, but in the end she couldn't help it and agreed.
I thought that although he was still young, since he wanted to do it, let him try it.
The next second, I heard the sound of the dishes breaking, but fortunately the child was not injured.
Grandma was anxious, and couldn't help complaining about her son, "How can I be so careless, I have long said that I won't let you brush you have to brush..." The son was aggrieved and stood there without speaking.
Seeing the situation, I immediately took my son out and comforted him: Scared, it doesn't matter baby, my mother knows that you want to help grandma clean the bowl, next time you must be careful, the bowl will be easy to stab you.
Later, when she talked to her grandmother, she also realized that she clearly wanted her child to pay attention to safety, and it became a complaint to say it, which really shouldn't be.
Complaining about being aggressive will only make things worse. Expressing concern directly is more receptive to children.
Teacher Wang Renping, an education expert, once said:
To let children see their parents' enthusiasm for life, a pessimistic, uninteresting, bitter and vengeful adult world, how can children have a vision for the future.
07
Try to understand and accept your child's negative emotions
Some readers have told me that she took her son to learn to ride a small bicycle and is mastering the balance stage.
She constantly encourages "you can do it."
But after the child failed several times, he cried and did not want to learn again.
She asked: Why is it that the more I encourage the child, the more irritable I am?
Before, I didn't have a very clear answer.
Until a few days ago, an incident gave me thoughts.
Before going to bed that day, my son and I were playing games. The son found that his favorite toy alarm clock was broken, and the pointer fell to the ground and could not show the time.
The son tried to put one end of the pointer into the small hole, and tried three times without success. His expression told me he was frustrated.
I gave a few words of encouragement, but it didn't cheer him up, and it even felt like he was on the verge of collapse.
I said, "Mommy's going to try it," and I pretended not to put it in and said to him, "It's really hard, Mom can't do it, you try again."
I didn't expect to succeed in one go, and I immediately showed a satisfied smile.
I took advantage of the victory to chase "you teach mom, mom won't", he was encouraged, picked up the alarm clock and did another demonstration.
In the past, I was a strong believer that encouragement was more important than criticism.
Now, I have a new inspiration – learning to understand and accept your child's emotions is more useful than encouragement.
Kathryn Mewes, a British child education expert, believes that it is much more effective for parents to empathize and accept their children's emotions before making suggestions.
A reader asked me the other day: Why is your educational method often refreshing to me?
I replied to her: I am not an education expert, I am just used to interacting with children and introspecting at any time.
Because adults are easily hindered by vision and experience, they cannot listen and understand from the perspective of children.
I think parents should go into their children's hearts, be their eyes, and take them to see the bigger world.
Instead of using too sharp language, break through the comprehension capacity carried by their cognition and let them admit that they are wrong.
Forward, watch, remind yourself -
Raising healthy children starts with talking well.