Guo Jiyao, a reporter from China Economic Weekly, | Beijing reports
"It's like a book, you just open it and you're going to close it."
"What a luxury it is to be alive."
Young people in their 20s, their lives are just on the right track, but they are declared to have cancer, and their fate is completely rewritten overnight.
"All heartbreak is left to the city, the dreams and the beloved girl." Under the condition, ideals, love and dignity are very fragile. Will they continue to love life?
In The Little Red Book, there is such a special group of young people who are suffering from cancer, using words to record the anti-cancer process and share their lives.
Photography blogger and his 162 anti-cancer diary: with a great ambition, although the illness can not rest
"I was a very 'mournful' person." In the interview, Zhang Liubai mentioned his "funeral" many times. "But seeing so many people keep telling you, 'You're going to come on, you're going to keep up,' I think I can really hold on."
In 2017, 27-year-old Zhang Liubai had just joined a big platform in the media industry and was preparing to show his skills, but after a high fever, he was diagnosed with EBV infection. "At that time, I ran to a lot of big hospitals and said that I couldn't intervene." He said.
The doctor told him that the disease would develop into nasopharyngeal or lymphoma within two years. At that time, Zhang Liubai misunderstood, thinking that he only had two years to live. So, disheartened, he quit his job in Beijing and returned to his hometown in rural Hebei.
"It's like a book, just about to open it and close it." Zhang Liubai described his feelings this way.
The days when he first returned to the countryside were gray, and according to his description, he spent the whole day lying in bed playing the glory of the king, and so on for a year. Later, because his illness did not worsen further, and because he "felt that he could not go on like this", he went to the educational institution founded by his brother as an extracurricular teacher.
During those days, he wrote a poem:
All heartbreak is left to the city
Dream and beloved girl
There are three acres of wheat fields at the west entrance of the village
They fed my ancestors
Tomorrow will not abandon me
……
Around the time of entering the Qingming Festival in 2020, Zhang Liubai felt that the right side of his face began to grow larger, and there were faint lumps to feel. The examination showed lymphoid tissue hyperplasia and the doctor recommended further examination, but he did not take it seriously. Until October of that year, he began to have a fever, and doctors recommended surgical biopsies. Eventually, at the age of 30, he was diagnosed with lymphoma, ALK-negative anaplastic large cell lymphoma. "The prognosis is poor, and it is the kind that is not easy to treat."
"The doctor said, without chemotherapy, I would have about three or four months to live." He wrote in his diary.
While going through the hospitalization procedures in the hematology ward, a doctor looked at Zhang Liubai's pathology and examination report and said that he had chemotherapy.
"He talked about the schedule, first making bone piercings in the afternoon, and then putting a 'tube so long' into his arm — his fingers ran across his entire arm, and then he bent from his shoulder to near the collarbone. Frankly, I was scared. Zhang Liubai in his Zhihu article "What was the experience of the first chemotherapy?" " wrote.
For chemotherapy, Zhang Liubai's heart was resistant at first. Two years ago, his father was suddenly diagnosed with advanced stomach cancer, and after the first chemotherapy, his father's body collapsed rapidly and eventually died. "It cast a huge psychological shadow over me and my family. There was a lack of medical knowledge at the time, and we often regretted that if we did not let my father undergo chemotherapy, it would not have made his life a little longer. Zhang Liubai said.
Eventually, under the persuasion of friends and parents, and after supplementing relevant medical knowledge, Zhang Liubai underwent chemotherapy. "Mainly my mother has been insisting." He said.
"After five minutes, my eyebrows began to wrinkle, and my mother quickly asked me 'what's wrong, what's wrong', I 'ah', 'waist, waist pain is almost broken, chest pressure panic, can't breathe... ' She quickly called to the nurse and suspended the chemotherapy." This is Zhang Liubai's first chemotherapy experience about "pain".
"Echoing the old saying, fear comes from the unknown, and it's only us who are afraid." After this chemotherapy, he wrote in his diary.
Cancer patients tend to have a fever easily. Zhang Liubai had a fever for 150 consecutive days, which brought him both physical and mental devastation. The first is the flesh, if you do not administer the drug, dizziness, headache, limb weakness, nausea, no appetite and a series of other symptoms will suddenly "explode" from the body, "you are blown dizzy, feel very sleepy, very want to sleep." The emergence of extreme emotions also made Zhang Liubai aware of his mental problems. "It feels like there's a sense of resentment looming in the chest, and sometimes it's not enough to let go of the hate without dropping something."
Afterwards, Zhang Liubai will always fall into self-blame and guilt, and then apologize, but when the resentment comes, it is difficult to control itself, so the cycle is really boiling. At this time, words became a window into his emotional expression.
In June 2021, Zhang Liubai began to record the "road to anti-cancer" in the form of a diary in Xiaohongshu. At first, it was only shared as a treatment guide, but as more and more people followed, he specially opened an account to update the anti-cancer diary. As of January 5, 2022, Zhang Liubai has undergone 10 stages of chemotherapy and published a total of 156 anti-cancer diaries in Xiaohongshu.
When writing the 100th diary, he made an agreement with netizens: no matter what, even if he could only post one character sometimes, he would insist on sending a diary every day. "But if I haven't sent it for more than three days, it proves that I'm gone."
Below each diary, there are messages from netizens, blessings from passers-by, and mutual encouragement from patients:
"You may not know how many people you have brought the courage to live."
"Leave blank! I was diagnosed with diffuse big B lymphoma in December last year and completed six courses of chemotherapy in April this year. Everything is fine now, I hope you can be all right too! Seeing your diary feels that you are actively fighting cancer cells, and I believe that God will definitely give you the opportunity to be born again! Come on! ”
Many netizens, especially some young patients who are also suffering from cancer, said in the message that they gained strength from Zhang Liubai's diary.
"Netizens said that they felt inspired from me, and I didn't understand it at first." "But when more and more people tell me to refuel and get strength from my diary, I feel like I have to fight a little bit," he said. ”
Zhang Liubai is a young man with ideals and ambitions, especially in writing and photography. Before releasing his anti-cancer diary, his Little Red Book account mainly published his photographic works. In the days when he resigned and returned to his hometown, in his spare time, he would walk into the streets and alleys of Shijiazhuang and record the city with his camera. In his opinion, illness gave him a chance to reacquaint himself with Shijiazhuang. So, he planned "99 plans to shoot all over Shijiazhuang". After the diagnosis, due to hospitalization, the release of photographic works was suspended for a while.
"With great ambitions in mind, although illness cannot rest." This is a sentence written by Zhang Liubai in his diary. In the exchange, Zhang Liubai always stressed that he was a "good face" boy, even if he was sick, he did not want to be cast with pity. Thankfully, until now, every penny spent on treatment has come from personal savings. "I want to live with dignity." He said.
Today, he has resumed updating his photographic work. If he couldn't go out to shoot new content because he was hospitalized, he sorted out the past materials, and he also set up his own WeChat public account of the same name to publish articles. "I also want to shoot more cafes in Shijiazhuang, chat with different people, do interviews, and write articles."
"Are you afraid of death?" I am not afraid of death, people say to live to die. As the famous saying goes – there is only one true heroism in the world, and that is to love life even after you know the truth about it. He said.
Zhang Liubai's "99 Plans to Shoot All Over Shijiazhuang"
Girls who have been fighting cancer for 14 years: Enlarge the "sweet" part, and life will be much easier
On December 27, 2021, Yun Mo just turned 30 years old, and her road to fighting cancer has gone through 14 years. "30 years old, maybe for others is the passing of youth, a year older." But for me it was a surprise, a joy, a banner that I had successfully held on for another year. In her anti-cancer diary that day, she wrote.
The clouds in the photo are very sunny. Looking closely, her face is slightly asymmetrical, which is due to facial paralysis caused by tumor compression. The tumor also caused her to be deaf in her right ear, hoarse in her throat, and difficult to speak.
In 2007, after graduating from junior high school, Yun Mo was diagnosed with advanced parotid adenoid cystic carcinoma. After many surgeries, the cancer cells have now metastasized to the lungs, humerus, liver and gallbladder...
Although he was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 16, Yun Mo only learned of his condition a few years ago. In order to give her normal juvenile life, her parents have been hiding her condition, and every operation, they say that it is a benign small nodule, until the parotid tumor recurred in 2017, and the parents told her the truth.
"I remember the night they told me the truth, and it was quiet all around. My parents sat on the edge of my bed and told me about the illness, their voices were crying, and I didn't dare to look at their faces. First of all, I felt that the thunderbolt on a sunny day, such a big thunder, such a tricky illness, actually hit me on the head. At that moment, I really felt that my parents were much older, and it was the pressure I brought to them! ”
At this stage, Yun Mo's body is very weak, lack of nutrition, and low immunity. "The doctor said that the tumor was just frantically grabbing the nutrients in my body, I belonged to the consumable type, and when the cancer cells sucked all my nutrients, I was basically exhausted." She said that because she is not suitable for radiotherapy and chemotherapy, and can not operate, the immunotherapy response is large, there is no suitable treatment at present, just take non-targeted targeted drugs, rely on painkillers to maintain life.
Recently, cancer pain has "visited" her more and more frequently, and the painkiller morphine has not been so effective for her, sometimes only holding her head and rolling on the bed, or unconsciously clenching her hands and pounding the bed board, or walking back and forth around the room trying to alleviate the pain.
"The cancer pain feels different to me every time, sometimes like a pinprick, like being 'chased by Mamma Yung'. Sometimes it's like being beaten, it's like being hammered like a drum. When the cancer pain hits, like a rising tide, layer after wave comes, and the waves are stronger and stronger. She described it to reporters.
But the cloud mo on the Little Red Book will always be described in light words. She refers to cancer pain as "cancer pain jun", and the daily physical state is likened to "opening the blind box", and when the state is good, it is "winning the jackpot".
Although when the cancer is severe, it will be sad and desperate, but in the face of negative emotions, Yun Mo has his own tricks. When lying on the bed, she would put one hand on her shoulder and gently pat her body with the other, just like when her family was sleeping as a child, and while patting herself, she told herself that "it's okay, it's okay, it's going to be fine, it's going to pass." "Self-consolation and self-encouragement are very useful to me, the power of human consciousness is very strong, and I can hold out for a long time with this strength."
In addition to her anti-cancer experience, she also enjoys sharing her calligraphy work and handbook pictures. "Life is full of flavors, and enlarging the 'sweet' part will make it much easier." In his anti-cancer diary dated January 3, 2022, Yun Mo wrote.
Yun Mo shares calligraphy works in the Little Red Book
Even though she was frail, the girl, who had just turned 30, continued to work. Yun Mo is a grassroots community worker, and in the anti-cancer diary, her spirit will always be lifted when she works. She said: "I am a very strong person, I don't want to look different from normal people, I also want to live a normal life, and I also want to be a person who can create value, to be a useful person to society, so I like the feeling of work." And our family is not rich, I have been sick for so many years, my parents simply hollowed out the family to treat me, and my income from work can also alleviate the financial pressure on the family. ”
As an only child, Yun Mo's family has become an important support for her to live, and it is also her biggest concern. Whenever she sees a childless old man, she always thinks of her parents. "I am an only child, I am responsible for my parents and mothers, although I may not be able to support them, but for the sake of my relatives, friends, for the sake of those who care about me, I can't give up." It's not because I'm greedy, it's just that I still have too many responsibilities on my own, which makes me have to stick with it. ”
(The pictures are provided by the interviewees, and Zhang Liubai and Yun Mo are pseudonyms in the text)
(The copyright belongs to China Economic Weekly Magazine, and no media, website or individual may reprint, excerpt, link, repost or otherwise use it without authorization.) ）