A few days ago, I watched the variety show "Time Concert" and was warmed by one of the scenes.
That day was Yu Kewei as the owner of the house, and after everyone had finished singing, the program team suddenly informed her to receive the time letter
Everyone's expression was surprised, because everyone's singing was over. Yu Kewei herself felt incredible, but she still stood up and walked to the mailbox
It was a mysterious letter without a signature
Yu Kewei opened the letter and read it
When she found out that it was written by her father, her first reaction was: it was annoying
Yu Kewei's father said in the letter that this was the first time to write a letter to his daughter, and when he read this, Yu Kewei's emotions began to get excited
Dad said a lot of words in his heart and didn't know how to write, thinking about it and deciding to write a letter of apology for the simple and rude way of education before
Yu Kewei's emotions were completely strained, and the tears couldn't stop flowing down
Her father said that he had always been too harsh on her, rarely praised her, more only yes or no, but rarely willing to sit down and have a good conversation with her
Yu Kewei's father then said something that happened when Yu Kewei was 13 years old, during the Spring Festival, the family got together to sing karaoke, Yu Kewei squatted in front of the sofa and sang Meng Tingwei's "Real or Fake".
Dad thinks she sings very well, but hopes that she will stand in a good posture and sing, and Yu Kewei in the rebellious period will do it against his father, stubbornly refusing to sing, and still resisting
Dad was angry, he kicked over, at that time just wanted to shake a little, who knew that just kicked on the sofa leg, this kind of rough battle, Yu Kewei was scared to cry
Dad said that Yu Kewei's grandmother taught her children to convince people with reason and never scolded, and she was too impatient with Yu Kewei's education method, and now in retrospect, she feels that she is too harsh
Reading this, Yu Ke only choked up several times
Her father said that he had always supported his daughter in doing what she wanted to do, and said that he would learn his daughter's songs. He also said that he had recently missed a lot of thoughts when cleaning up the house and cleaning his daughter's room
I hope that Yu Kewei can pay more attention to rest after work, and her father hopes that she is healthy, happy and happy
Reading this, Yu Kewei was particularly happy, crying and laughing at the same time
Dad ended up saying in the letter that home would always be her safe haven
Yu Kewei came here, and his emotions could no longer be controlled
She said that she knew that her father loved her, and once after a quarrel with her father, she knitted a sweater for her father and wrote a small card, which her father kept until she debuted, once when she participated in the show, and her father took out the note, which was still brand new.
But from childhood to adulthood, her father was too fierce to her, and he did not treat her as a girl since he was a child
Yu Ke only said while quietly wiping tears, when talking about her father's fierceness, she also paused, especially repeated: "Yes, too fierce."
At this time, the program team connected with her father on the spot, and Yu Kewei also asked her father in particular: This letter was written by you, right?
Her father especially emphasized that he wrote it with one stroke and one drawing
Yu Kewei choked and said: Thank you
At that time, when I saw this scene, I was stunned, but I felt a warm current coming from the bottom of my heart.
To admit his mistake and apologize to his daughter is too difficult for Yu Kewei's father, and this is the biggest expectation in Yu Kewei's heart. Yu Kewei has publicly said countless times that he "hated" his father.
Yu Kewei's father is a soldier, Yu Kewei lived with her grandparents in Suzhou for a while when she was a child, and after returning to her parents, her father was very strict with her daughter.
Dad stipulates that Yu Kewei can not tilt his feet when sitting, can not make a sound when eating, chopsticks can not be stirred in the dish, if Yu Kewei turns over and over to "pick vegetables", Dad chopsticks will directly shoot over. Yu Kewei once said that the techniques that dad photographed were all clean and neat, fast and accurate!
Many times, Dad directly scolds without asking the reason, if Yu Kewei cries, Dad will scold "Cry what to cry, cry again and kill you!" ”
When Yu Kewei was in the third grade, her father discovered her singing talent and began to focus on cultivating, and often let her daughter sing in front of relatives.
Once, because his father hoped that Yu Kewei would sing in front of his relatives, and Yu Kewei did not agree, his father could not hang on to his face, hit and kicked at Yu Kewei, kicked over, kicked the sofa leg, and fractured his own foot fingers on the spot.
This is what Yu Kewei's father specifically mentioned in the apology letter earlier, kicking to the toe fracture, you can imagine how much strength dad used at that time, you can also imagine living in such an atmosphere Yu Kewei, what kind of fear he experienced since he was a child.
Yu Kewei, who grew up in such an atmosphere, was once very reluctant to say "no", and she did not want to trouble others
It wasn't until Yu Kewei left home to study that the relationship with his father began to improve, although his father still maintained the majesty of "strict father", and when he thought of his daughter, he only let his mother call to express concern.
When Yu Kewei began to sing in PUB, his father often sat silently in the dark corner watching his daughter, Yu Kewei participated in the show, and his father attended with the cards she had written to himself, and Yu Kewei knew that his father loved himself.
After this, her relationship with her father was reconciled little by little, Yu Kewei found that his father was always on call for his own affairs, he had never praised his father before, and he could say "very good" to his daughter, Yu Kewei also began to take the initiative to call his father and share various work matters. She began to understand that although her father was a strict father, he loved himself.
Although Yu Kewei's heart is still suffering from gains and losses, just like her performance in the show, her first reaction to her father is still not to believe, not to believe that the strict father will apologize one day, and not to believe that her father really realizes his mistakes in his heart.
But after a short period of consternation, it is more touching, and this understanding and transformation will become a warm current in her heart, giving her the strength to reconcile with the past.
When the original family is reconciled, reconciled with the inner self, and let love flow in the family, the child will become more calm, more stable, no longer confused, no longer suffering from gains and losses.
Yu Kewei said that she still considers other people's emotions a little more, or a flattering personality, but she has begun to take herself as the standard
This inner firmness should also be the main reason why Yu Kewei can concentrate on fighting his career, which has become more and more popular in recent years and his career has become better and better.
The relationship with the original family is often the deepest pain in our hearts. Even many psychology masters have a hard time getting out of the wounds of their original families.
The famous American psychiatric master Owen Yalong has been entangled with his parents for a long time, and his relationship with his mother is particularly bad.
His mother was rude, rude, and often scolded him, blamed him, believing that the family and his own misfortunes were caused by him, and the young Yalong also agreed with his mother's view, believing that his willfulness and disrespect had caused the turmoil in the family and his father's illness.
When he was 14 years old, his father had a heart attack, but his mother told him that he had killed his father and that he was a murderer. This sentence caused deep damage to Aaron. Although the doctor later told him that his father's illness had nothing to do with him, he could no longer trust his mother, and the two did not even speak for a long time.
Yalong began to study hard, he became a famous psychological master, his books sold well all over the world, he had many readers, he also had a happy marriage, but he said that no matter how successful he was, no matter how best-selling his books were, his heart was still often uneasy, and he often felt that there was no one to rely on behind him.
His uneasiness is his relationship with his mother, he lacks nothing, and he has always longed for his mother's love and approval. He had shared a dream 10 years after his mother's death, in which he dreamed that he was dying, lying in a hospital bed, about to fall into darkness, and before being swallowed up by the darkness, he cried out desperately, and the person he called out was his mother, and he kept asking her how she was doing.
Waking up from the dream, Aaron is very depressed, he finds that he has been pursuing liberation and growth all his life, but he has never been free from his mother, until 10 years after her death, he is still longing for her love and approval. Unfortunately, Yalong will never be able to ask his inner questions in person, and he will never be able to get his mother's answers.
After watching Yalong and then looking at Yu Kewei, you can know that Yu Kewei's father can apologize to her in public, show love to his daughter generously, and tell her daughter that her home will always be her safe haven, what kind of love and strength this is for Yu Kewei!
Parents are the deepest attachment of children, especially when children are young, they see themselves from the eyes of their parents, and the parents' attitude towards their children shapes the core personality of the children and lays the foundation for the children's life.
Every child expects to be affirmed by their parents, and they all expect to be appreciated and praised by their parents.
It's just that many parents never praise their children, never affirm their children in person, no matter how hard the children work, the parents feel that it is not enough, no matter what achievements the children have achieved, the parents still feel that the children are not good. This will make the child deeply unconfident.
If with the growth of the child, the parents' attitude can change, can gradually learn to praise the child, although the child still has to spend a lot of time and energy to reconcile with the inner self, but this change of reality is more likely to bring about subconscious changes, the relationship between the child and the parents will be more harmonious.
If the parents' attitude has never changed, no matter how hard the child tries, he still cannot get the approval of the parents, and the child will have deep regrets and deficiencies in his heart.
The famous director Jiang Wen once said in an interview that he is usually a very unconfident person.
Because his mother was never happy for him, when he got the acceptance letter of the Chinese opera, his mother just casually threw the notice aside, saying that his clothes had not been washed, the house he bought for his mother, and his mother did not go in to live, until his mother died, he did not get his mother's approval.
Imagine that after a lifetime of hard work, you can't get the appreciation of your parents and the answers you want in your heart, what kind of pain is this for your children?!
Sadly, parents who are willing to change for their children are only a minority, more parents in the world are "obsessed", due to their own limitations, it is difficult for them to detect their mistakes in the process of parenting, but they think that they have hardships, raising children has many hardships, they not only refuse to bow to their children, admit their mistakes, but more blame for children, feel that children do not understand themselves, feel that children are "white-eyed wolves", do not know how to be grateful.
If you can't wait for a word of "sorry" from your parents all your life, what should you do at this time?
If parents are really immutable, then let go of the expectations of parents and reconcile with your inner self.
From a psychoanalytic point of view, many times, we do not need to reconstruct the parent-child relationship with the real parents, as long as we can reconstruct the parents who have been internalized and become part of their own personality, when the inner self becomes strong, we have the strength to let go of some of the expectations in the heart and face our inner parents more rationally.
To do this step, it is very, very difficult, we need to invest a lot of energy, let our inner growth, to face those painful and sad memories, through the fog, hug the child full of trauma, give him strength and courage, inner growth, only then have the strength to let go of expectations, stable face the reality of the parents.
To be honest, it is really cruel to let a child put down his inner expectations, to accept that his parents are immutable, to accept that he can't wait for his parents' apologies or appreciation all his life.
But as adults, even if the regrets in our hearts cannot be repaired, we can make our inner strength through self-growth, so that we can be more flexible when raising our children, and we can adjust the stride length in time to make our children get more support.
In this way, at least the hatred of the original family will not affect the second half of our lives!