Some time ago, a fan left us a message in the background. She looked very sad and said:
"When you grow up, people really shouldn't believe in love anymore, right?" I tried very hard to love someone and believe in love, and as a result, not only was my body scarred, but I was also ridiculed by him for being too naïve, and I actually believed in 'romance', and immature could not attract him.
After not believing in love, life is much easier, whether it is living seriously by yourself or playing happily with your sisters, it is much more fragrant than expecting to be on others. ”
We replied to her that we didn't have to draw conclusions, and it didn't matter if we didn't believe it for the time being. Maybe after a while, I will feel that I can still believe in love.
Unexpectedly, she immediately replied to us again: What is the advantage of believing in love? Nothing but risk. I still don't believe it.
We feel that it is still necessary to speak out for believing in love and believing in romance.
Let's start with a good friend of mine, she's the one I've ever met who believes in romance and love the most. In the past few years, as long as she meets someone who is impressed, she will sincerely and actively promote contact with the other party and take the initiative to invite, but it has not been smooth.
Either the other person said that she didn't want to be in a relationship recently and rejected her, only to find out after a while that the person was with another girl in the circle. Either the other party's attitude towards her is very unclear, dating and small talk can be, but as soon as she hits the straight ball to show her heart, the other party will immediately pretend to be dead.
In short, her earnest dedication seems to have never been properly responded to.
In other words, I may also lose faith in love after so many failures. But she didn't, she always said, "Those who believe in romance will be favored by the god of romance." ”
Sure enough, two years later she found her true love, he responded to her very positively, and they quickly established a relationship and are now about to get married.
Seeing this story, some people may say that this is just an isolated case, a survivor bias. But in fact, some psychological studies have found that believing in romance and true love does help us in intimate relationships – it just needs to be "rational" to believe.
Let's take a look at today's article.
Before discussing believing in love, I would like to clarify a question, is the love we believe in only a fictional story in movies and novels? Does the romantic love that spans a lifetime really exist?
Psychologist Professor Nathaniel Brandon believes that romantic love that spans a lifetime exists. First of all, the occurrence of romantic love must be that two people recognize the difference between each other and other individuals. When this romantic love meets the following conditions, it becomes a romantic love that spans a lifetime.
In the romantic love that spans a lifetime, you can experience that the other party is in line with your value evaluation, which is highly scored in your value evaluation system; at the same time, you will also experience that the reason why the other party likes you is also in line with your value evaluation of yourself.
After two people fall in love, they firmly put the "love of a lifetime" into their own value system, and both people deeply agree that they only love each other in this life, and they need to spend their lives trying to explore and practice such love.
Psychology professor Sprecher recruited 101 couples for a four-year study to explore the impact of romantic beliefs on relationships.
In the beginning, in order to measure the extent to which the subjects believed in love, the researchers had each person fill out a romantic belief scale, and they also completed a series of scales related to the quality of the relationship. The researchers then visited the couples every year thereafter and asked them to fill out the scale again.
The study found that romantic beliefs were highly correlated with relationship quality (love, satisfaction, commitment). Specifically, romantic beliefs are more able to predict the improvement of relationship quality, and the improvement of relationship quality can also predict the enhancement of romantic beliefs.
Compared with people with weaker romantic beliefs, a person with strong romantic beliefs can feel more love-related feelings such as belonging, attachment and intimacy in romantic relationships, and he will feel more satisfied with the relationship and have a more loyal and firm sense of commitment to the relationship.
As the quality of the relationship improves, it also confirms people's initial romantic belief in love, thus further strengthening this sense of belief.
That is to say, believing in love may form a positive feedback for the people in the relationship: the more we believe in love, the more we can experience a satisfactory high-quality relationship, which in turn makes people believe in love more. And two people who believe in love are more likely to get positive feedback in the future and shape the ideal love.
At the end of Professor Susan's experiment, a total of 60 couples ended their relationships. The study found that for couples who experienced a breakup, their romantic beliefs weakened sharply after the relationship ended.
In life, there are also many people who no longer believe in love after losing love, in order to avoid being hurt again. But not believing in love, not believing in romance, may make you unable to get love.
1. Not believing in love, not believing in romance, will reduce the possibility of love happening.
Most people, after a heartbreak, will overturn their previous belief in love: "There is no eternal true love"... With a closed attitude towards love, it is difficult for people who do not believe in love to feel nervous, excited and expectant because of meeting new people, and it seems that they have seen the end of doomed failure from the beginning of love, and they refuse to try to love. It can be said that people who do not believe in love have personally shut themselves out of love.
Even if you meet someone who is passionate, people who don't believe in romance will be less likely to engage in ritualistic, loving romantic behaviors, which leads to a reduction in the chances of passion between both parties.
2. Not believing in love and not believing in romance is not conducive to the development of intimate relationships.
The persistence of love needs to be maintained by both parties, and people who do not believe in love and do not believe in romance will be less motivated to devote time and energy in the relationship to maintain the quality of the relationship.
Moreover, clinical psychologist Lisa Fritscher points out that not believing in love is a negative self-attitude, which is not a deliberate resistance to love, but it can make people unconsciously create tension in intimate relationships and constantly push each other away:
a) In the early stages of the relationship, when the partner begins to open up to the person, the partner suppresses emotions.
In most cases, it's normal to hesitate to open up to another person, but people who don't believe in love have reservations about their partner almost without hesitation, and they don't fully invest in a relationship, but keep their distance in the relationship.
b) Not believing in love weakens trust in relationships.
If a person does not believe in love, it is difficult for him to trust his partner, and he will even have paranoid doubts about his partner. In the face of the praise and love expressed by the partner, they do not believe that the other party is sincere, and such a reaction ignores and dilutes the feelings of the partner, which will make the other party feel frustrated.
Worst of all, it makes people make the worst assumptions when they encounter problems.
No relationship is perfect, and in the face of imperfections in love, people who don't believe in love will subconsciously amplify the problem and confirm the negative beliefs in their minds. For example, if the partner does not reply to the message in seconds, he thinks that the other party's feelings are weak; if the partner and others are closer, they feel that the other party will indeed fall in love with others.
That is, believing in love doesn't necessarily make it harder to establish and maintain a relationship, but not believing in love and not believing in romance makes it harder.
Cultivating confidence in love requires having a positive perspective. Through meditation, we can calm down excessive worries and regain the expectation of love.
Indeed, believing in love is potentially risky.
Research points out that romantic beliefs and romantic expectations are highly correlated. If a person believes in love and believes in romance, he is likely to have expectations for his relationship.
If expectations are unrealistic in themselves, or if partners fail to meet a person's romantic expectations, there is a risk that the huge difference between a person's current relationship and an ideal relationship predicts a lower level of relationship satisfaction and commitment.
That is to say, when expectations are disappointed, we will be disappointed in the relationship, and even vaguely feel that the other half is not true love, and we will no longer invest in the relationship.
It can be said that the risk of believing in love and believing in romance is that the relationship fails to realize its romantic expectations of love.
So we can rationally believe in love, believe in romance, and minimize the risks in it.
How?
First you need to have a "will to believe in love," and then you can rationally believe in love like this:
1. Distinguish between romantic beliefs and romantic expectations.
For example, you can believe that "love can happen the first time people see each other", which is a romantic belief; but if you believe that "in my ideal relationship, when I first meet him, I will fall in love with him", this is a romantic expectation.
Retaining romantic beliefs can make people value their relationships more, resulting in higher relationship satisfaction, but unattainable romantic expectations are counterproductive.
So we need to distinguish between them and not let "what love should be" obscure your perception of "what relationship actually is like".
If you feel disappointed in the relationship and try to communicate your expectations with your partner, you can rationally discuss whether this expectation can be achieved. If not, what adjustments each can make is best for your relationship.
2. Romantic beliefs also need to grow and change.
We have mentioned that one can believe in both fate and growth. Believing in love doesn't mean thinking that love is fate, and when you think you've met the person you're destined for, you don't just take it for granted that you're enjoying the happiness of love.
When things go wrong in relationships, we can change our romantic beliefs. For example, if you think that "people who love each other should not quarrel, if they quarrel, it means that the other party is not true love for each other", you can try to adjust your beliefs like this: "The difficulties and challenges encountered in the relationship can be overcome through each other's efforts, and we will love more deeply after going through the test".
Romantic beliefs can be adjusted as the relationship interacts and develops, and your love is likely to last longer.
Finally, I would like to share with you this passage written by Yann Martel in Life of Pi:
"If you hesitate about whether or not to believe, then why do you live?" Life is incredible, just ask any scientist. God is incredible, and it is okay to ask anyone who believes in God. Isn't love unbelievable? You can ask anyone you love. ”