How to stop the "masochists"?
Author: Russell
Excerpt from: The Road to Happiness
Extreme masochism, recognized as a kind of madness. Some people delusionally want to kill them, imprison them, or inflict some kind of severe persecution on them. The thoughts of the abuser who want to defend against illusions often cause them to commit atrocities and force them to restrict their freedom. Like many other forms of madness, this kind of madness is nothing more than an exaggeration of a tendency, which is inevitable in normal people.
I'm not going to discuss its extreme form, that's a psychoanalyst thing. What I want to consider is its milder manifestation, for it is often the cause of unhappiness, and because it has not yet developed into true madness, and it may be solved by the patient himself, so that he can accurately diagnose his condition and see that its source is in himself and not in the hostility or ruthlessness of the hypothetical bystanders.
Everyone knows that there are first-class people, men and women, who, according to their own statements, are always persecuted by ungrateful, mean and ruthless. Such characters are adept at rhetoric, and it is easy for people who have known each other for a long time to express warm sympathy for them. In each of the individual stories they narrate, there is nothing unbelievable about the ordinary. The kind of persecution they complain about is, no doubt, sometimes encountered. In the end, what arouses the doubts of those who listen is that the victims have encountered so many bad guys.
According to the principle of "probably", the number of times that various people born in a society encounter abuse in their lifetime is about the same. If a man is subjected to universal (as he is) abused in a group of people, the reason is probably in himself: either he fantasizes about all kinds of violations that are not actually being violated, or what he does unconsciously causes the irrepressible anger of the people. So experienced people are skeptical of those who claim to be perpetually abused by society; their lack of compassion makes it easier for the unfortunate to confirm that they are hated by the masses. In fact, this kind of annoyance is difficult to solve, because both showing sympathy and not expressing sympathy are enough causes of annoyance.
A man who tends to be masochistic will render a story of bad luck to be believed, and on the other hand, when he finds that people do not believe it, he will only get one more example to prove that they are cruel to him. This disease can only be dealt with by understanding, and this understanding, if we are to accomplish its function, must be taught to the sick. In this chapter, my goal is to propose several general considerations by which each person can find in himself the elements of masochism (which is more or less possessed by almost an individual) and then reject them. This is part of the important job of happiness, because if we feel that we are being abused by the masses, there is no happiness at all.
One of the most common forms of "irrationality" is the attitude that everyone adopts toward malicious rap. Few people can bear to talk about the rights and wrongs of acquaintances, and sometimes even to their friends; but when people hear any gossip that is not good for them, they are immediately shocked and indignant. Obviously, they never thought that others talk about themselves as they do. This attitude of shock and indignation is still mild, and if it is exaggerated, it can lead to the path of masochism.
We always have tender love and deep respect for ourselves, and we expect people to do the same to us. It never occurred to us that we could not expect others to see us better than we did, and that the reason we could not think of this was that our own value was great and obvious, not as great as the value of others, if there were, only in the eyes of great compassion.
When you hear someone say something embarrassingly bad about you, you only remember ninety-nine times you didn't say the most accurate and deserved criticism about him, but forgot the hundredth time, and accidentally you said what you thought broke the truth about him. So you feel: such a long patience has been rewarded with this! In this point of view, however, the behavior of you in his eyes is exactly the same as his behavior in your eyes: he does not know how many times you have not opened your mouth, only the hundredth time you have indeed opened your mouth. If we have a miraculous ability to see each other's thoughts at a glance, then I think the first consequence is that all friendships will disintegrate; but the second consequence is wonderful, because living alone in a friendless world cannot stand it, so we will learn to please each other without having to create illusions to blind ourselves, saying that we do not think that we have shortcomings in each other.
We know that our friends have flaws, but by and large they are still comfortable people. But when we find out that they are dealing with us in the same way, we find it unbearable. We expect them to think that we are not like others, that we are indeed flawless. When we have to admit that there are shortcomings, we take this obvious fact too seriously. No one should wish to be perfect, nor should they be overly troubled by their imperfections.
Looking too high on one's own value is often the root of masochism. For example, I am a playwright; in the eyes of fair people, I am clearly the most prominent playwright of our time. But for some reason, my script is rarely staged, and even if it is staged, it is not popular. How can this strange situation be explained? Obviously, it was the theater manager, the actor, the critic, who was united to mess with me for one reason or another. And this reason, of course, adds to my glory: I have refused to bend the knee to the great figures of the theater world; I have refused to flatter critics; my plays contain direct and painful truths that cannot be tolerated by those who have broken their hearts. Therefore, the value of my excellence cannot be recognized. ......
Another common masochist is a special kind of philanthropist, who always gives favors to others against the will of the other party, and when he finds that others are ruthless and unjust, they are shocked and horrified. Our motives for good are rarely as pure as we think, the love of power is extraordinary, with many false masks, and the pleasure we feel when people do good often comes from the love of power. Moreover, there are often other elements involved in the middle of doing good. "Doing good" to people always deprives people of much pleasure: either drinking, gambling, or laziness, and so on. In this case there is a particularly moral element, the sin that we avoid in order to maintain the respect of our friends, who have committed it with great pleasure and pleasure, and which we cannot help but be jealous of.
For example, those who voted for the ban on paper smoking laws (which have existed or still exist in several U.S. states) are, of course, non-smokers, and the pleasures that others feel about tobacco are precisely because they are jealous and bitter. If they want former addicts who have quit paper cigarettes to come to the delegates to thank them for their superiority, they will be disappointed. Then they will think that they have given their lives for the welfare of the public, and that those who should be most grateful for their good deeds are the least aware of gratitude.
The same can be seen in the attitude of the housewife to the maid, who thinks she should be responsible for the morals of the maid. But now the problem of servantry has become so acute that this kind of love for maids is becoming less and less common.
A similar situation exists in high-level politics. A politician gradually concentrates all his spiritual strength in order to attain a noble goal, and he abandons comfort and enters the realm of public life, but the ruthless and righteous masses suddenly turn their faces and attack him, and he is of course overwhelmed. He never imagined that his work would have other motives than "for the common good"; that the pleasure of controlling the big picture had encouraged his activities to some extent. The clichés used in the pulpits and in the organ newspapers slowly became the truth in his mind, and the rhetoric that people of the same political party flaunted against each other was mistaken for a true analysis of motives. After a lifetime of disgust and disillusionment, he will abandon society (in fact, society has long abandoned him) and regret that he has done something as unpleasant as seeking public welfare.
These metaphors lead to four general aphorisms that, if their truth is thoroughly understood, could prevent the appearance of masochism.
The first is: Remember that your motivation is not always as self-sacrificing as you think.
The second is: Don't overestimate your own value.
The third is: Don't expect people to pay attention to you as much as you pay attention to yourself.
The fourth rule is: Do not think that the majority of people are paying close attention to you, so that there is any special desire to persecute you.
I will say a few words about these maxims article by article.
Fraternists and practitioners, in particular, need to be skeptical of their own motives; such people often have an illusion of how the world or a part of the world should be; and they feel (sometimes accurately and sometimes inaccurately) that in fulfilling their illusion they will benefit humanity or a part of it. Yet they do not fully understand that everyone affected by their actions has the same right to fantasize about the society he needs.
A man of practical action is convinced that his vision is right and that anything to the contrary is wrong. But this subjective truth does not provide evidence, and he is objectively right. Moreover, his beliefs are often nothing more than a kind of smoke screen, and what is hidden under the smoke screen is that he is happy to see that his power can influence the overall situation. In addition to the love of power, there is another motivation, which is vanity, which is of great use in such situations.
It would be astonishing to hear the cynical voters who espouse Parliament, and here I speak by experience, say that he is simply eager to add the title of "member of Parliament" to his name. But when the debate was over, when there was time to think, he would think that in the final analysis, maybe the cynical thing was right.
Idealism makes simple motives dressed in eccentric costumes, so how many aphorisms of reality cynicism are not wrong to say to our politicians. The morality of custom teaches man a kind of altruism to a degree that is difficult for human nature to achieve, and those who are proud of their virtue often delusionally dream that they have attained this unattainable ideal. Even the most noble people behave with a motive of concern for themselves, and this need not be regretted, because if it were not so, the human race would have long ceased to exist. A man who sees that people are full of stomachs and forgets to feed himself will starve to death. Of course, he could eat and drink simply to give himself sufficient energy to fight evil, but whether the food swallowed with this motive would be digested was a question, because the saliva stimulated in this situation was not enough. Therefore, it is much better for a person to eat for the sake of oral happiness than to eat with the public welfare in mind.
It can be applied to the truth of diet, and it can be applied to all things that are sidelined. Whatever is done properly, it depends on interest, and interest depends on caring for one's own motives. From this point of view, any impulse to defend one's wife and children before the enemy should also be included in the motive of concern for oneself. This level of altruism is part of the normal nature of human beings, but the degree to which customary morality teaches is not, and is rarely really attained. Therefore, those who want to be proud of their superior virtues have to force themselves to believe that they have reached a level of unselfishness that they have not actually attained;
The second of the four maxims, which says that it is unwise to overestimate your own worth, can be included in what we have already said when it comes to morality. But values other than morality are equally incalculable. A playwright whose plays are always unpopular should calmly consider whether they are bad or not; he should not conclude that this assumption does not hold. If he finds that this assumption corresponds to the facts, he accepts it like a philosopher who uses induction. Yes, there are quite a few examples in history of talent, but it is several times less than the fact that the fish is mixed. If a man is a genius that the times do not recognize, then he is right to stick to his line regardless of the indifference of others. On the other hand, if he is a man of no talent and has vanity and arrogance, then it is better that he does not insist.
If a person is troubled by the idea that he has created an unappreciated masterpiece, there is no way to know which of the two he really belongs to. When you belong to the former, your stubbornness is tragic; when you belong to the latter, your stubbornness is ridiculous. A hundred years after you've died, you might guess which category you belong to. At present, if you suspect that you are a genius and your friends think that you are not, there is also a valuable quiz that is not always reliable. The quiz is: Did you produce your work because you felt an urgent need to express certain ideas or emotions, or were you motivated by the desire to praise?
In the heart of the true artist, the desire for praise, though strong, is in the second place, which means that the artist is willing to produce a certain kind of work and wants the work to be praised, but he is not willing to change his style even if there is no future praise. On the other hand, the person whose basic motivation is to seek fame has no power within himself to induce him to find a special manifestation, so he does this work as if he were doing another work that is completely different. A man like this, if he can't win the fame with his art, it is better to give up at all.
In a broad sense, regardless of what rank you occupy in life, if you find that others are not as high as your own, do not conclude that they are wrong. If you think so, you believe that there is a common conspiracy in society to suppress your value, and this belief can become a factor in an unhappy life. Acknowledging that your exploits are not as great as you had hoped may be painful for a while, but it is exhausting pain, and when it is over, a happy life is possible.
Our third maxim is not to be harsh on others. The average sick woman is accustomed to expecting at least one of her daughters to completely sacrifice herself, even to sacrifice her marriage, to fulfill her duty of care. This is to expect people to have an altruistic heart that violates nature, since the loss of the altruist is far greater than the gain of the self-interested. In all your dealings with others, especially with the closest and most beloved, the most important and infrequently easy to do, is to remember that it is their point of view and the position concerning them that they use in their view of life, not your point of view and the position concerning you. You can't expect anyone to be the main movement of his life to be ruined for the sake of others. Sometimes, there may be a strong tenderness that makes the greatest sacrifice come from nature, but when the sacrifice is not from the light of nature, it should not be made, and no one should be blamed for it. Many of the actions of others that others complain about are just a person's natural selfishness, an insatiable reaction to another person's insatiable greed beyond the boundaries.
The fourth maxim is to understand that others don't think about you as much longer than you think about you. The masochistic patient thinks of all sorts of people, day and night, with the idea of weaving a calamity for a poor madman; in fact they have their own affairs, their interests. People with lesser masochism see in similar situations that people's behaviors are related to themselves, but this is not the case. This thought, of course, satisfied his vanity. If he was a pretty great man, that might be true.
The actions of the British government were carried out for many years to defeat Napoleon. But when a person who is not particularly important delusional and thinks of him constantly, he must be on the road of madness. For example, you give a speech at some public banquet. In other speakers' homes, several people's photos were disclosed in the pictorial newspaper, and yours was not included. How would this be explained? Obviously not because the orator next to you was considered more important than you; it must have been the newspaper editor's order to deliberately prevent you from showing up. But why did they command this? Obviously because they are afraid of you for your importance. In this way of thinking, the unpublished picture of you has changed from contempt to subtle compliment.
But this kind of self-deception does not lead you to a solid and reliable happiness. You know in your heart that the truth is the complete opposite, and in order to conceal this truth from yourself as much as possible, you will have to invent a string of increasingly absurd conjectures. Forcing oneself to believe these assumptions will result in a great deal of effort. Moreover, because there is another belief in the above-mentioned belief that the whole society hates you, you have to endure another painful feeling in order to save your self-esteem, thinking that you are not in harmony with society. None of the satisfactions built on self-deception are reliable; and truth, no matter how unpleasant, is best to face it once and for all, to familiarize oneself with it, and then to build your life according to the truth.
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