One of my favorite writers, Alain De Botton, wrote an amazing article about marriage, "Nine Reasons Why You Marry the Wrong Person," which I read and found very agreeable. This marriage/relationship routine, if you had known it earlier, really wouldn't have to suffer so much.
These nine reasons I list below, in parentheses I use a sentence to explain at the end, and people who want to know more can refer to Why would you marry the wrong person?
1. We don't know ourselves (we don't know what we're going to do and where we're going to get "upset"). 2. We don't know much about other people (we need to understand how the heart of the person who is going to get married works). 3. We're not used to real happiness (familiarity may be more important, so if you have a poor relationship with your parents...). That's a good idea). 4. Being single is a terrible experience (getting married to get out of being single). 5. Instinct is overrated (the decision to marry or not, the instinctive, intuitive concept of romance replaces reason). 6. Love is not taught in school (love is also a subject that needs to be learned). 7. We want to be happy forever (thinking that all the good before marriage can continue until after marriage and continue to be unchanged). 8. We mistakenly think we're special (thinking we're lucky enough not to face challenges in our marriage) 9. We want to stop worrying about love (didn't expect to have more trouble after marriage).
After reading these very reasonable routines, I can't help but see if the people around me who have good intimate relationships are born to fully master these skills (causes) in order to have good intimate relationships (effects).
At first glance, this is not the case.
My friend's grandmother, with her reclusive, childish, mean personality, was really very annoying, and when she died, none of her children came back to send her to the end. But the wife next to her does not abandon her, loves her, and tolerates her.
My friend's grandfather is a very kind and wise old man, and the only stupid thing he has done in this life is probably to spoil this unkind wife.
Finally, when he died, his children did not come to see him, because he hated his mother too much, and his father kept turning to his mother, and he simply did not want his father.
Such a bad woman has gained the love that every woman wants. Those moves above, she didn't use any of them.
How important are personal encounters and destinies?
If you look at the marriages of your friends, is that the same? The above routines are all marital problems, the relationship can not go on, we take it out to review, I think it is really reasonable.
However, some people's beautiful marriages are really completely unreasonable and routine. I deeply appreciate this myself.
Someone came to me for advice on how to write a book and publish a book to sell well. I really can't say it, and it's far-fetched to say it.
I was inspired to write a book called "Meet the Unknown Self", which sold well. Ask me how (how) and I don't have a routine to teach.
But if asked me the secrets of intimacy, I can provide so many great opinions, why? Because that's where I failed, and it's where I studied the most.
Studying personal growth, I have also observed the problems between various relationships, and I have found that everyone does have their own built-in procedures - attitudes toward people and things, ways of responding to people and things, which affect the relationships, interactions and exchanges between us and each relationship.
The relationships here include: parents and elders, children and grandchildren, money, career, friends, subordinates, health, fame, popularity... Wait a minute.
However, the biggest factor affecting us and these relationships is always the personal encounter and fate.
For example, why are some stars particularly popular? There are people who are better looking, better acting, and working harder than him, but why him?
In my own case, I am lucky to be good at money, career, parents, children, and subordinates, and I can say some relevant truths, but I must admit that "good luck" is the most important factor.
Why do I come across such a person, such a thing? Why am I born with the "ability" to handle my relationship with them?
The Law of Attraction also divides people
My housekeeper has followed me for more than ten years and is an indispensable helper in my life, and many people are very envious, especially when my children are young. Ask me, how did I find her? And how do you get along with her? I can have some theory for you.
The problem is, the theory gives you, and you don't necessarily do it, because our innate built-in procedures (opinions, attitudes, responses to people and things) are different, otherwise, everyone doesn't want anything to have?
Take the most practical example – money, a topic that everyone might be interested in.
We all know that money is an energy, you have to really like it, it will naturally be attracted to you.
But like my son, he will smile when he sees money, and money will find him, he doesn't have to follow any law of attraction, he is a natural gold sucking cave. Sure enough, as soon as I graduated from college, I found a job that was more expensive and less close to home, and the income was very high.
I have a friend who is completely against the law of money - her money only goes in and out, she treats herself very harshly, is rich and has no children, and every time we see her, she is speechless.
However, she is destined to be rich, so she is not short of money, but she lives a life of lack of money everywhere - never taking a taxi when she goes out, only taking the bus and subway; eating vegetarian at home, eating meat when friends invite guests; loving to take a bath, but in order not to pay the water bill, she does not soak.
So what she wants to do (she has always felt poor subconsciously), the Law of Attraction (she is so short of money, the vibration frequency of the divergence is not good), obviously does not work for her.
Growing up is about modifying your own built-in programs
So, I think success in one of our areas is not successful, like whether we can get pregnant or not.
When you can't get pregnant, the problems are all problems: the uterus is leaning back, the uterus is too cold, the fallopian tubes are not working, the sperm motility is not enough. ... Once pregnant, nothing is a problem.
I have a friend whose mother got pregnant with him when she was 70 years old. My own first marriage could not conceive children, asked for Chinese and Western medicine, this is not right, there is a problem there, but I can't say where the specific crux is.
After the divorce, my ex-husband and I remarried separately and both had children without any obstacles.
So, I understand the truth that our personal growth is to modify our built-in procedures in the area of our own bad destiny—this is the entrance to our practice, where the soul needs to evolve.
So, when we are forced here by pain and suffering, we know that what needs to be changed is our own built-in procedures, not external people and things.
Facing our life lessons, like people who can't get pregnant, sometimes give up, and there are opportunities for peaks and loops.
A friend of mine is like this, 38 years old, tried many times to get pregnant, gave up his own plan to give birth, adopted one, and actually got pregnant. Some friends give up having children, spend time, energy and money on their other hobbies, and live very well.
So, if money is your homework, it may be more effective to learn to understand your own lack and desire than to blindly pursue money.
Take money as your "object", look at it, feel whether you have a sense of worthlessness within yourself, feel whether you have some criticism and resistance to money, straighten out this feeling, maybe money will come.
The big rich are in the sky, the little rich are by people, I quite agree.
If intimacy is your homework, you may cultivate your own expectations and virtues more fruitfully than the people who have been looking for the "right" out there.
People who have high expectations, poor moral character, and a bad "constitution" of natural intimacy will definitely have problems.
Maybe learn to live a person's life, live your life colorful, then, if the intimate relationship appears, it must be good, if not, you are happy alone, this is the safest chance to win.
As for how to fix it? Reading, taking lessons, introspection, practicing, and especially "practicing" are very important so that you can become a winner in all aspects of life!