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I saw such a video on the Internet, it was the psychological counselor Lai Peixia's speech "Why is happiness so difficult" at the super speaker's home, in which Lai Peixia mentioned the impact of the values of the original family on us.
The teacher said in his speech that everyone has a strong idea in their hearts, that is, I must be happy in the future, but when your parents have lived in sorrow and pain all their lives, as a child, do you dare to be happy?
I think, it's hard, happiness at this time, is like a betrayal, because we simply can't endure such guilt, so we would rather lose all our happiness than be happy or betray them.
In my childhood, my father was rarely at home, but asked whether there was a rice pot at home, the child did not listen, whether the study was good or not, nor did he ask the wife whether she was hard, as if she was single, even if she was occasionally at home, there would be no interaction and communication between them, if they had, it must be my father scolding, my mother was crying on the side, did not dare to resist.
Then to impose all her misfortune on the three of us brothers and sisters, she always said that if it were not for the three of us, she would not have suffered these sufferings long ago, and if it were not for us, she would not have lived as she is now. So we never dared to lie to our mothers, and we didn't dare to cry loudly when we were wronged.
Until later, I also got married, and before I got married, I secretly swore that if I got married, I would never live like my mother, but after more than ten years of married life, I still lived to become my mother.
My husband and I get along with the same way with my parents, although there is no domestic violence and cheating, but I and my husband for a week, or even half a month without saying a word, I think it is normal, because my parents' mode of getting along is like this,
Because of the long marriage, there are no relatives around, I gave birth to a child, no one helped to take care of the child in the month, I groped for the child to bathe and wash clothes by myself, because I had no experience, no one taught, the child cried all night, I didn't know why the child cried, I didn't know how to coax, I could only cry with the child all night long, after the sixth day of giving birth, I carried the child with the morning and dark work, I also felt that it was normal, because my parents were also like this at that time.
It wasn't until then that I almost got depressed, so I ran away from home, got a divorce certificate after three years of separation, and never started a new marriage because I didn't know how to love people or how to love myself. I worry that if I do it again, I will not be like my first marriage, whether I will still be like my parents.
Until later, I saw The speech of Teacher Lai Peixia on the Internet, I knew that I did not understand love, but no one taught me how to love, it turned out that it was not difficult to get happiness, it turned out that we could learn through many different channels, to understand, what is so deeply affecting us. How to get happiness.
In the book "The Family of Origin: The Psychological Dynamics That Affect a Person's Life": The Emotional Baggage in Marriage, it is said:
The most important relationship transfers that affect the relationship between husband and wife are the conjugal relationship between the parents of the spouses in their respective families of origin and with their brothers and sisters, as well as the relationship between the individual and his parents of the opposite sex.
The relationship between husband and wife is the relationship between a person and the opposite sex, and this relationship, in addition to the relationship with brothers and sisters in his original family, also has a relationship with the parents of the opposite sex, that is to say, his relationship with the parents of the opposite sex will also be transferred to the husband and wife relationship of the regenerated family.
The relationship between husband and wife is usually an equal partnership, but it may also become an unequal parent-child relationship. The pattern or type of relationship between husband and wife can be influenced by a variety of factors. The most important impact comes from the relationship between the couple before they enter marriage. These relationships may be transferred in one way or another to the couple relationship.
Thus, the three early relationships that affect our relationship include parental relationships, sibling relationships, and relationships with parents of the opposite sex, all three of which may be transferred to our relationships.
How parents behave as husband and wife is a template for how a person behaves as a couple in a regenerating family, and they may manage their relationship according to the model of how their parents behave as husband and wife.
We are very likely to be husbands in the same way that fathers used to be husbands, and as wives as mothers did when they were wives. It is also very likely that we will find our lovers and spouses in the same way that our heterosexual parents behave, and treat their spouses the way they treat their opposite-sex parents.
A person's spouse, then, may be a copy of his own heterosexual parents; his own conjugal relationship may be a copy of the conjugal relationship of his parents.
For example, my husband and wife relationship directly copied the relationship between my parents, in my memory my parents have always lived in cold violence, I and my husband for a month or even two or three months zero communication, I did not feel that there is a problem. So, by the end of the divorce, I don't know what caused it.
Until I listened to Teacher Lai Peixia's speech "Why Is Happiness So Hard" and watched Mr. Shen Jiahong's "Original Family: Psychological Motivation That Affects People's Lives", I found that although we can't change our birth and identity, we can find out what early factors affect personal growth through learning, so as to avoid some of the misfortunes of life, we can also break through some limitations of life, so that we can maximize the life potential of ourselves and our families, especially children, and thus get more success. Joy and happiness.
So as long as we are aware and let go of that opposition, we can see happiness, we can see that intimacy is getting better and better. As long as we learn with awareness, we can open the door to our own happiness. I believe that as long as I learn through understanding with awareness, happiness will sit firmly on my shoulders.