Like a quote:
"Love is a lifelong ordeal, just because you want the wind to stop, you want the clouds to fall, you want to move the mountains away, you want to keep a person in your life for a long time." 」
To put it simply, love is the most torturous.
The person who wants to talk about the most loved but can't is Zhang Ailing, a talented woman in the Republic of China.
She is sensitive by nature and delicate in her feelings, but she is always deeply hurt by love.
The lack of maternal love in childhood, the deviation of father's love in adolescence, the betrayal of lovers in adulthood, the love of old age, and the loneliness of old age.
In the bustling city of Shanghai, people come and go, and the only one who has given her a little love is her aunt.
Obviously, her parents are complete, but Zhang Ailing has become an orphan, hanging in the shadows, shining flowers in the water.
Zhang Ailing wrote: Life has flying, I can't fly up; life has hilarity, but I can't get up. I can escape from all this, but I can't escape the desolation of life.
Today, we unveil the curtain of Zhang Ailing's life and experience what kind of tribulations she has experienced behind her desolate life.
The beginning of Zhang Ailing's life was gorgeous and somewhat dazzling.
On September 30, 1920, on a day when autumn colors were getting darker, Zhang Ailing was born in a bungalow, surrounded by wet nurses and beards, and the room emitted a faint fragrance, and she enjoyed the loving gaze of her father and mother.
Slightly older, dressed in a gorgeous dress, she often walked in the huge garden, watching her father, mother and aunt drink afternoon tea in the garden.
"Day by day in childhood, warm and sluggish, just like the sun on the inside of old cotton shoes, on the pink velvet."
Such a good day, Ailing only remembers a little happy tail, when she was 4 years old, with her mother Huang Yifan's departure abroad and disappeared.
Since then, Zhang Ailing's life has never pieced together such a sweet picture.
Zhang Ailing's ideal when she was a child was to comb aisi's head at the age of eight, wear high heels at the age of ten, and wear the most chic clothes to travel the world.
Unexpectedly, when I was eight years old, I waited for the news of my parents' divorce.
As she grew older, all her dreams shattered into a scumbag.
Her teenage girlish photos, dressed in her stepmother's leftover old clothes, fat style, and the color of ground beef, were the nightmares of her life.
Zhang Ailing had a dispute with her stepmother over going to school and marrying someone, who thought that girls going to school was a waste of money and simply married early.
In the eyes of her stepmother, Zhang Ailing's future is not as important as her and her husband's smoking.
Zhang Ailing, who was arrogant and arrogant, how willing to let others manipulate her fate, she thought that she had the support of her biological father, plucked up the courage to fight, and had a verbal altercation with her stepmother.
Lying on the smoke bed of her father, a smoking gun smashed over, and Ailing's head was covered in blood, and at that moment, she froze, and the next worse thing happened.
Ailing was imprisoned in the courtyard of the palatial mansion, hungry eating away at her body and ruthlessly destroying her soul.
It is said that there is an indifference in Zhang Ailing's personality, who can know what kind of suffering she has endured in the face of the darkness of uncertain life and death during the month of captivity?
Finally, on a dark and windy night in a month, Ailing escaped from the cage, and since then, the relationship with her father has been completely broken, how can she not break up?
He was nominally a father, but he had become a vicious enemy who wanted to put her to death.
Zhang Ailing, with her physical and mental pain, ran to her mother Huang Yifan, waiting for her to finish pouring out her inner pain.
Mother asked: Do you want to continue school or marry?
Ai Ling's answer, of course, was to continue going to school.
Her mother told her very simply: if you want to go to school, you don't have good clothes to wear, and if you want to marry, you can dress up well and marry a good family.
Over time, Ailing did not feel the long-lost maternal love in her mother's place, but all kinds of disgust.
From a female point of view, Huang Yifan is successful, she divorced at the age of 28, broke through the feudal marriage, achieved women's independence and freedom, and made seven or eight boyfriends at the same time, living a colorful life every day.
From the perspective of Zhang Ailing's mother, she is ruthless, and Ailing's arrival has brought her responsibility and trouble, hindering her freedom.
The reason why her mother did not love her was that the days they spent together were only 4 years, and there were thousands of years in between.
Love is the need to live together, the superposition of some trivial things.
But there is a gap between mother and daughter, what do you want her to love?
In addition, there is a reason, if you live in a villa, the servants are surrounded by superior superiority.
Maybe her mother's love can have spare time, but at that time she had no money, and she was supported by all kinds of men around her, and she only cared about loving herself, and she couldn't find time and money to love anyone.
Love is expensive, it is a luxury, without the stacking of time and the support of money, love can only be a luxury.
Later, when Zhang Ailing received fame and fortune, she bought out the mother-daughter relationship with two gold bars, and never saw each other again.
Her mother said heartbrokenly: Even if I make you feel bad, you don't have to do this to me!
In 1957, Huang Yifan became seriously ill and wanted to see Ailing before dying, but she avoided seeing her and only sent $100 from the United States.
At this moment, I understood Zhang Ailing's sentence: If you knew me before, maybe you would forgive me now.
In the 1920s, a newspaper in Shanghai published a cartoon called "Pen and Lipstick".
On the painting is Pan Liudai, who is coiled with a spirit snake, Su Qing, who is polite and polite, and the other is Zhang Ailing, who is a dazzling person in a strange costume.
Someone asked Zhang Ailing, why do you like strange clothes so much? She replied:
"I am not a beautiful woman, do I have any characteristics, do I not use these to show off, how can I attract the attention of others?"
Whether she goes to the publishing house to negotiate with the editor, or to print books, or to buy a dessert on the street, she wears exquisite makeup, wears bold and strong strange clothes, and walks on the street to smoke and look charming.
Wherever she went, everyone stopped what they were doing and greeted her with their eyes, and the children chased her and jumped with joy.
It was Zhang Ailing's grand shanghai beach, and it was the highlight of her life.
And all of this was earned by virtue of her outstanding talent with a pen in her hand, when she was only 23 years old.
Her literary brilliance has attracted a super fan, and he is Hu Lancheng, who brought her a nightmare.
His praise, sharp appreciation, just the right amount of care, and the most intelligent transparency, all like magic, let Zhang Ailing, who has never been warmly loved, deeply intoxicated.
Many people think that Zhang Ailing's love for Hu Lancheng is the robbery of her life, but throughout Zhang Ailing's life, it is her happiest period.
Because of those years, she experienced the satisfaction and joy of being loved.
She rejoiced that "in the midst of thousands of people, you meet the people you are going to meet, in the tens of millions of years, in the endless wilderness of time, there is no step earlier, no step later." "Met the person she loved.
Although it was short-lived, it warmly fascinated her, making her willing to crawl in the dust, and her happy heart blossomed.
Someone once said: If you don't want to suffer losses in love, then you must know Zhang Ailing.
However, Zhang Ailing herself suffered a big loss in love.
This also confirms Zhang Ailing's sentence: not loving is a lifetime of regret, and love is a lifetime of tribulations.
Zhang Ailing thinks that she is the favorite in this life, and has been married for three years, but she still has not stopped her from marrying Hu Lancheng.
There is no solemn ceremony, only a covenant of paper: may the years be quiet and the present world be stable.
However, one day, Hu Lancheng praised nurse Xiao Zhou's clothes in front of Zhang Ailing, and zhang Ailing's wisdom would not be confused.
Zhang Ailing asked: What is Xiao Zhou's hair like?
Hu Lancheng lowered his head and replied in a soft voice: Medium-long straight hair, the end of the hair is a little curved inward.
Zhang Ailing chose to be patient, and their real break occurred after Hu Lancheng fled and Zhang Ailing traveled thousands of miles to find a husband.
Hu Lancheng saw her splitting her head and asked: What are you going to do? Go back soon!
During that time, Zhang Ailing witnessed the love between Hu Lancheng and the new fan Xiumei, and with her arrogance, she did not allow herself to lose her attitude.
It was the longest, most torturous day of her life, and her heart was dripping with blood under the indifference of her expressionless face.
On the way home she wrote:
The pain rumbled like a train all day long, there was no gap between day and night, and when it woke up it was at the pillow, a watch, and walked all night.
After returning to Shanghai, she could not swallow, could not sleep at night, lost dozens of pounds, had no menstrual leave, and loved beauty, she wore any clothes that were too wide to keep warm.
It was a snow in her life, it was falling all the time, it was always falling, it was cold to the bone, it was helplessly cold.
In the darkest moment of her life, a person appeared, he was the director of the Cultural Film Company Sang Arc, he admired Zhang Ailing's talent, invited her to work together on the film.
They admired each other, and Sang Arc's taciturn reticence gave Zhang Ailing a great sense of security, but they were powerless to break the worldly cage.
Because Sang Arc was not married, and Ai Ling was married, the family also opposed such a union, and later Sang Arc married someone else.
Zhang Ailing left Shanghai, the sad place that made her and destroyed her, and remarried laiya in the United States, a marriage she has not written about.
A few years later, LaiYa died and Zhang Ailing lived alone.
There was a reporter who, in order to dig up Zhang Ailing's privacy, disguised himself and lurked next door to her, even turning over the garbage she threw out.
Sang Arc learned the news and tried everything he could to get the reporter to leave.
This is the only guardian in Zhang Ailing's life in her later years, and it is also a touch of warmth in her desolate life.
Looking through all the photos of Zhang Ailing, we will find that she did not leave a particularly happy photo, but only a faint expression, with a sense of depressed life.
If Zhang Ailing knew, she would smile lightly and say the sentence in "Flower Wither":
"Photographs of this kind of thing are just broken shells of life, the years have passed, the melon seeds have been swallowed one by one, the taste is known to everyone, and the only thing left for everyone to see is the black and white melon seed shell."
In that chaotic Shanghai, Zhang Ailing was as brilliant as a fleeting firework.
In the evening smoke, she once looked at the slightly undulating border of Shanghai, although there were no mountains, but it was like being surrounded by layers of mountains, living indifferently in a life without love.
Her heart was too heavy, and she wrote the fate of many people with a pen, and each character had a part of her life, with an indescribable sense of desolation.
. END .
【| Tsing Yi】
【Editor| Daniel Lee 】
【Typography | Drizzle】
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