During the pandemic, a goodbye to a family member or the remembrance of a deceased loved one has become difficult. Today (February 22) is the death day of the father-in-law of the letter writer Li Xiuping, and the epidemic has blocked the way for Li Xiuping's family to worship, but what cannot be stopped is memory and writing. We deliberately chose this day to push this letter, hoping to pass on the thoughts of our loved ones to the deceased.
Quarantine and commemoration
Author: Li Xiuping
It is often heard that the elders sigh in some life-and-death situations: This is god going to collect people!
I can't help but wonder what kind of people God wants to take in? Folk moral law, good has good rewards, evil has evil rewards, or good people have good rewards, evil people have evil rewards, ordinary people usually have this simple belief in the world. Reality can sometimes confirm the truth of this belief, and sometimes it subverts its truth, because it is often seen that good people have miserable and bleak lives, and bad people are full of pride. However, how to define good people and bad people, personnel are complex and changeable, who sees good people as good people? Who sees the bad guy as the bad guy? When many people see or hear the joys and sorrows of others, in fact, they cannot empathize with the drama, and in the seemingly sympathetic or compassionate mood, they actually contain the happiness of "fortunately not me". There are many more people, on the brink of suffering, with deep feelings of guilt and guilt in their ordinary daily lives. No matter what kind of person, I only know one thing, in the god of death is an inescapable prey, who has more honor than whom, who has more money, who has a higher status than whom, who lives a little longer than whom, there is nothing to be proud of, and there is no lack of hypocrisy, compliments, ridicule, contempt, disgust and hatred of others that accompany such vested interests; and how many people are grateful to you, to remember you, to respect you, to love you, to miss you is the most real and pure, hard-won.
In the isolation period at this moment, people experience fear, anger, sadness, depression, boredom, decadence and other complex emotions, countless lives and deaths have become numbers, and over time, we will be numb. I remember that when I was a child, a relative from my family participated in the War to Resist US Aggression and Aid Korea, and told us that on the battlefield, countless comrades-in-arms fell, and the living comrades-in-arms continued to fight. At that time, my heart was very shaken, it was too inconsistent with my young morality, wasn't it as merciless to the enemy as the autumn wind sweeping away the fallen leaves, and as warm as spring to my friends, how could I take the corpses of my comrades as cover? It took many years to understand the rationality of people's thoughts and actions in a particular situation. For example, now, the plague spreads, some people's wives are separated, and their families are broken; some people are conscientious and loyal to their duties; some people are drunk and dreaming of death, muddy and nightmarish; some people try food, and the cold skin is scattered... You see, human life under the cover of the plague is still varied, joy can be shared, and suffering can only be borne alone.
Since the birth of my son An An, all of us have lost their names at some point, and are usually called An An Dad, An An Mom, An An Grandpa, An An Grandma, An An Aunt and so on. From the time An An was born to the age of 8, we take the train to my mother-in-law's house in Beijing every year for the Chinese New Year, and this year is no exception. At the beginning of the epidemic, our whole family was not flustered but a little suspicious, and the slightest discomfort in the body could become suspicious. Someone coughed, and the others became alert at once; some had a runny nose, and the others looked suspiciously. We diagnose each other's and each other's symptoms, enthusiastically and measuredly. Aunt An An joked: "We don't eat wild meat, don't do bad things, and we are afraid of something!" "I hope that the virus can take the initiative to punish evil and promote good, and will avoid people who "don't eat wild meat and don't do bad things" to find a host. Aunt An An laughed and said that they had eaten wild game, it was peacock meat, a few years ago, the family raised a peacock, in order to facilitate the care, the peacock and a group of chickens were locked up together to raise, the flock of chickens, the chickens united, the same enemy, raw peacock harassment and bullying to death, so the whole family can eat peacock meat. I laughed in my heart at the fact that the relationship between the captive animal world and the relationship between captivity are connected.
In February last year, Hong Kong Customs seized a record batch of pangolin scales. Scientists believe that this animal may be an intermediate host for the new coronavirus in China. Photo credit: AFP
With the rise in the number of confirmed cases, worried that Beijing will repeat the mistakes of SARS 17 years ago, but also worried that the spread of the epidemic can not go back to their homes, the second day of the New Year, our three people decisively left Beijing to return to Harbin, bought some vegetables and some cold medicine, the pharmacy alcohol mask has long been sold out, my family does not have any disinfection of things, the pharmacy clerk gave me her own 84 disinfectant soap two pieces for emergency, told me that their boss will soon buy and ordered: any epidemic prevention items are not allowed to increase in price, can not make money in the country! My heart was warm, shocked, and full of hope.
The quarantine begins, and here's a transcript of Ann's diary: "Since I got home, I've heard that it seems like those people are stuffy, but I'm not stuffy at all, because I'm used to it at home. "Frankly speaking, in addition to the inconvenience of shopping, my family of three people are not uncomfortable with the isolated life, in the usual work, if there is no class, our whole family is also staying at home to do things, we each read our own books, watch their favorite movies or TV series, I and An An take turns to practice, usually I first practice with great interest, drunk and do not give up, deliberately arouse the interest of An An to practice, he will squeeze me down, sit on the piano bench and play several times to show me. Sometimes my strategy didn't work, I practiced for a long time, he pretended to be deaf and dumb and hid in his room to peek at "Qing Yu Nian". Through Ann, I also realized my dream of playing the piano as a child. Because two people will have the trouble of making decisions, if I want to buy a piano myself, Ann's father will feel ridiculous, but if Ann likes it, it is reasonable to buy the rocket back.
The epidemic has prevented us from returning to Beijing as scheduled to pay homage to An An's grandfather. The third anniversary of Grandpa An's death is very important to the whole family, Chinese filial piety is nothing more than reflected in the issue of the birth and death of the elders, and Grandpa An's life motto is "loyalty and filial piety are far away, poetry is the head of the world", An An Dad is a filial piety, every time he returns to his parents, he personally washes his parents' feet and cuts his toenails.
Grandpa Ann left three years ago on February 22, and he has never seen spring since. He was truly a good man, gentle and kind, taciturn, and his death made his neighbors feel sorry and quietly weep. When he was alive, there were people in his neighborhood who needed his help, and he always spared no effort to help; and when he faced certain difficulties in his own life, he was often silent and peaceful. When he was young, Grandpa An An was implicated in his father's status as a "historical counter-revolutionary", and went far away, from Hebei to the northeast, working in small county towns, panning for gold in Daxing'anling, and in the last twenty years, he made a living in Beijing and built a spacious house on the outskirts of Beijing to settle in his old age. That generation received some education in the early years, the young people were interrupted in their studies, had no one to rely on, and lived a well-fed life entirely by virtue of their tenacious will to survive and the ability to survive and the wisdom of survival. Grandma Ann recorded their moving history, which was 6 pages long, and finally concluded that they moved 21 times in their lives and built houses 14 times. I am a little ashamed to be compared to them, I moved two or three times and I was a little miserable, I really lacked their courage to do things, and they lacked their real and energetic love for life. They had lived a simple life according to their own character all their lives, and the former cabinets and quilts were still preserved, relishing the history of their use; the cupboard paint used in the house had been mottled and peeled off, and they were fully qualified to be brothers and brothers with An An's father, and for more than forty years. Even when my daughters bought him a lot of expensive new clothes, he didn't wear them, only shirts and pants that my mother-in-law made herself. (My mother-in-law used to make me a lot of shirts.)
Grandpa An An was an attentive and interesting old man. There are many foreign cats and dogs in the family, he spares no effort to prepare food and drink for those cats and dogs every day, buy a bunch of steamed buns, a bunch of chicken liver, cook and knead, cats and dogs are full, satisfied to play in the yard, nap, sunbathe. Grandpa An An is good at raising flowers, birds, insects and fish, his small courtyard, warm shed planted a lot of flowers and trees, no matter which season to go, we can feast our eyes, he will explain to you the character of various grasses and trees, like understanding their own children. One winter, I saw all kinds of camellias blooming brightly, took a few photos, in order to take a better angle, by the way the pot turned a small angle, he glanced over, you can find the difference, told me not to turn the pot casually, camellia is more squeamish, change the angle does not want to live. Once, I asked him for a small bonsai, the size of a teacup, delicate and lovely, and he happily gave it to me and told me that it was pucao, bought from Pan Jiayuan, suitable for placing on the desk of the literati. The mother-in-law next to him immediately teased him: "He was fooled into becoming a literati by others, and he came to vanity and strength to spend 50 yuan to buy a handful of broken grass!" "I took this grass outside and compared it with the creeping grass on the ground, and it really didn't make much difference. Grandpa An An is not a literati, but sometimes the little taste of ordinary people is more pure and more utilitarian than the so-called literati, if you talk about the familiarity with poetry, I may not be as good as him when I graduate from Chinese department, the only thing I am sure is better than him is to know the routine of lecturing students from the theme, structure and other aspects. And he does not make a living from this, but simply loves, simply experiences, and ordinary people also need some kind of spiritual poetry.
He rarely drank alcohol in his life but especially loved to drink tea, and his clothes could not be worn well, but tea must be good. A variety of good teas are always prepared, and sometimes we are urged to taste them, introducing the characteristics and taste of various teas. This knowledge and characteristics of tea did not attract me, and I was still willing to hide in Aunt Ann's room and watch her fiddle with the tea set, make tea filters, and the two of them were like girlfriends, drinking tea while chatting about themselves. Once I bought a very classical porcelain wine glass in Wangfujing, which was printed with ancient poems, which had both the function of scalding wine and drinking, and I noticed that Grandpa An An used this wine glass every time he drank, and I felt very relieved. In addition to drinking, he no longer reticent, talked about family affairs, talked about the past, and said that when his father (Li Jieting, nicknamed Qingshun) was the director of a certain pseudo-branch, he saved the lives of nearly two or three hundred students of the Eighth Route Army, saved one life, and won the seventh-level floating massacre, not to mention saving the lives of so many people. During the Cultural Revolution, his father was designated by the local government as a "historical counter-revolutionary", and after rehabilitation, he returned to copy the family materials and arrange work for them, but he had long since left his hometown and sought a way to make a living, and he had already started a family and could not go back. When I discussed the term "historical counter-revolution" with An Anpa, I felt very absurd, the chaotic world was chaotic, many people were forced by life and the environment to do a job to support their families, how do they judge which camp is just and which camp is unjust? Even if those ordinary people were rescued, most of them were based on their personal conscience, feeling that those ordinary people were too innocent to be shot and killed, so as to find a way to rescue them. Crimes in history, on the other hand, often do not look at the details, but only judge good or bad according to the unilateral logical judgment of the victorious camp. However, the disease of a particular era is crazy and contagious, and the individual is trapped in it and unable to break free; but as an individual, what kind of person he is still has the right to choose, and good people are good people wherever they are placed. In the past, listening to this kind of family affairs was absent-minded, they handed over the relevant information and photos to us to save and did not take it seriously, thinking that they were all small people, and everything was in order. After having An An, An An often traced back to the ancestors, so that my mind also shifted to this family, I felt the need to know more clearly, at least let An An know the elders of his family, and the little people must also have a source.
Grandpa An An practiced calligraphy every day for more than twenty years, never stopping. The purpose of his calligraphy practice is not to become a calligrapher, but to entertain himself, every year the couplets of the New Year at home are self-written, we move the tables and ladders with great enthusiasm, from the door to the door of the house are pasted with couplets, and the big red lanterns are hung in the hall, which is really the ceremony and atmosphere of the New Year. His eldest brother was from a certain city calligraphers association, and he admired his eldest brother's calligraphy and practiced like a primary school student under the influence of his eldest brother. According to his mother-in-law, he was originally a simple practice of calligraphy, once a guest came to the house, calling himself a calligrapher, and splashed ink on the spot to write a few lines, Grandpa An An looked at the calligrapher's words, felt that he was not too bad, so he had the confidence to frame his calligraphy into a work. I listened to the laughter, suspected that it was a fake calligrapher, remembered that I took a calligraphy class in college, practiced the "Yong" character for a month, and finally at the end of the class, I barely managed to make up ten words to pass the puzzle. In the spirit of encouragement, I said to him that it is more meaningful to frame the calligraphy and hang it in my house and hang it on my own family's writing, which is better than buying printed materials. As a result, the old man practiced more diligently, the calligraphy was framed a lot, every time we went home, we moved out for us to choose, I picked out the best of them, I wanted to praise, a closer look at the money, is his big brother's name. Fortunately, he has self-knowledge to continuously improve the level of calligraphy and constantly provide us with banners to motivate himself to practice calligraphy diligently. We went back to Harbin, a bunch of food, a bunch of banners, the train is very heavy and difficult to take, he will preemptively carry the heaviest bag to take us to the train, and then turn away. This went on for seven or eight years, until the year before we didn't go directly to the train station or take anything, and he didn't send us. That was the only year he didn't send us, and a dozen days later, his heart attack suddenly left.
When Grandpa An's body was cremated, one of the links asked my relatives to pick up the ashes, I hesitated whether I should go, my mother-in-law said to me, you should go, you are an important person, you are the person who has been passed down from generation to generation! This sentence is not very pleasant to listen to in ordinary times, but in the sad scene at that time, it was particularly powerful and inexplicably touching, as if it eliminated a lot of gaps and distances between people. After experiencing all the funeral details of the old man, I really understood the importance of the ceremony, which not only sent away the deceased with dignity, but also soothed the heart and emotions of the living, so that you could be relieved from the nostalgia of not believing that he was really gone, truly bid farewell to the deceased, and face a new life normally from then on, of course, the thoughts of relatives in your heart are never endless.
After burying the old man,Standing in front of the tombstone and looking around, the whole cemetery is clean and quiet, the grass and trees are verdant, the magnolia flowers are quietly open, white, purple, elegant and charming, the cemetery is full of apricot trees, it is spring, the apricot blossoms bloom to the extreme and begin to fall, there is a wind blowing, the petal rain continues to flutter, trance like a paradise. The spring of life is over, and the spring of nature is still there. Plato discusses what beauty is through the dialogue between Socrates and Hippias in the great Hypias, in which he says: "For all men, ancient and modern, the highest beauty that a mortal can have is that he has a lot of money in his family, good health, and respected by all The Greeks, who lived long until he was old, and he held a solemn funeral for his parents, and after his death, he held a solemn funeral for himself." Although this does not explain the essence of Socrates' beauty, and may cause Socrates to be beaten with a stick, at least it is a beautiful phenomenon of life, a beautiful expectation. I thought that Grandpa An An had bid farewell to the troubled world, had not experienced the torment and pain of illness, and that lying in this quiet and quiet place should also be regarded as a blessing.
After Grandpa An An left, I would always wonder if there was a soul? Is there another world? Grandma Ann, a Christian, firmly said that he had entered heaven. The banners he wrote still hang on the walls of my house, and we hang them all when they are good or bad. I carefully reflected on whether I was inconsiderate when the old man was alive, and I could always find a few things that made me feel a little guilty, and I don't know if he minded. However, I clearly remember that on the day of my wedding to his son, when the guests dispersed and only my own family was left, I called out to him loudly and naturally: Dad——。
The epidemic has not only deeply affected our current lives, but will also occupy our memories and change our minds for a long time. We need more eyes to continue to observe and document the crises and transformations of the times. These are sincere and heavy records, and we will keep them.
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