Friends are friendly, I am Miao Baoping, a psychological counselor, and the name of the network is like dust.
Today we continue to read dr. Yue Xiaodong's book "The Feeling of Ascending to Heaven: I Did Psychological Counseling at Harvard University": "Chapter 4 The Dissolution of the Myth of Love".
body:
In the face of Charlie's love setbacks, how can I help him?
I had a thorough discussion with the supervisor. After listening to recording most of the conversations between Charlie and me, the supervisor pointed out that there were two distinct tendencies in Charlie's approach to thought: a tendency toward perfectionism and a tendency to be self-centered.
The supervisor asked me to pay special attention to Charlie's performance in these two aspects of the conversation, and to help Charlie accept the current facts and not avoid them. In addition, the supervisor asked me to try to avoid answering Charlie's questions head-on, but to encourage him to think independently.
Charlie's perfectionist tendencies are mainly manifested in the fact that he wants to be the first in everything he does, and he cannot tolerate the mistakes of what he or others have done. In love, he has always believed that his love with Helen is God's masterpiece and perfect. For the past five years, Charlie has been self-absorbed by his matching with Helen in terms of appearance, intelligence, stature, interests, and even the backgrounds of the two families, so he can't accept Helen's infidelity toward him, believing that only by breaking up with her can he get rid of his current mental pain.
What bothered him even more was that Helen, although sorry for deeply hurting Charlie's heart, did not object to the two of them breaking up. This frustrated Charlie. He knew very well that he would never find another girl like Helen, who had been in love for five years.
Charlie really couldn't stop, couldn't forgive, and his heart was in pain.
Charlie also has a strong sense of family. He has always regarded his parents' marriage as a model for the world. He dreamed that his marriage would be as unbreakable as his parents, as flawless as ever, so as not to dishonor the family style. This is a very important political capital for those who will enter the political circles. And now that he and Helen were not yet married, such a scandal had happened, how could it not make him sad!
Charlie said that as soon as he closed his eyes now, he would imagine the shot of Helen and Adams together, the smirk on Adams's face, the scene of waiting outside the door that night...
These thoughts made him crazy enough to meet any man on the street who wanted to go over and punch him. During the conversation, Charlie also repeatedly compared his love affair with Helen to David's love affair with Venus. Now Helen betrayed him, as if Venus's face had been slashed several times, and he was so sorry.
Charlie's self-centered tendencies manifest himself in the fact that he is not good at seeing what is happening from the perspective of others, especially Helen. He takes the faults of others very seriously, but he takes his own faults very lightly. He can easily forgive himself, but he cannot easily forgive others. He was very emotional when he talked about being deceived, but when he talked about helan discovering his dealings with Katie, he was calm, and even repeatedly lamented his carelessness.
In Charlie's mind, if Helen hadn't found the love letter, his relationship with Helen would have been the same, and the farce of that day would never have happened. But he didn't admit that he wouldn't have betrayed him so much without his affair with Katie. Charlie valued Helen's disloyalty to him far more than his disloyalty to Helen.
The perfectionist tendencies and self-centered tendencies in Charles's thought make him look at problems to extremes, to drill the horns, to defend his own actions, to pick at the faults of others. In Charlie's words, I had a vague feeling that his love affair with Helen was not as natural as he claimed, and that his parents' marriage was not as perfect as he described.
I talked to the supervisor about my thoughts, and we agreed that the current emotional crisis was ostensibly Helen's problem, but in essence it was a problem with the two of them. And to help Charlie pick himself up and mature from this mental blow, he must start by changing these two ideological tendencies. Otherwise, Charlie's gaze will always be aimed at others, not at himself. If this problem does not change, he will still plant his head sooner or later.
In addition, the superintendent reminded me that Charlie's use of David and Venus as a metaphor for his relationship with Helen was very exploratory. Because David was a perfect man, and Venus was crippled, there is a lot of article to be found.
****
In this way, I tried to understand Charlie's chagrin on the one hand, and on the other hand, I asked Charlie to tell me more about his love affair with Helen. In it, I asked Charlie to try to recall what conflicts had arisen between them, how they had resolved them, and how they felt afterwards.
Charlie began to wonder why I was doing this. I told him that I was doing this to gain insight into why Helen had suddenly betrayed him, because I didn't believe she would be so desperate to you because of one of your mistakes. In fact, my real purpose in doing this is to break his idealistic tendencies through these discussions.
So, Charlie tried his best to recall what quarrels and awkwardness had occurred in their five years of love. As a result, the more Charlie talked, the more excited he became, and the more he said the more questions he asked. In retrospect, Helen had long been unhappy with his machismo. Since Helen followed him, she has no longer had deep relationships with other friends of the opposite sex. At one point, Helen was also sad for days because Charlie had abused her former boyfriend, and told Charlie that sooner or later she would abandon him.
Charlie didn't take that to heart at the time.
So I asked Charlie, "Do you think Helen's subconscious has been waiting for such an opportunity to break up with you?"
Charlie hesitated and replied, "I can't say for sure, but now it seems that Helen is already dissatisfied with me."
"Then can you point out what Helen is not satisfied with you?" I asked again.
Charlie groaned and said, "Probably not respecting her wishes enough."
I asked him again where he was manifesting. Charlie told me some more things about how he had demanded that Helen obey his wishes.
So I asked Charlie, "What would you think if you were Helen?"
"I'll break up with him." Charlie blurted out.
"Now, what do you think of the fact that Helen betrayed you?" I asked again.
Charlie wasn't as excited as he used to be.
Then I talked to Charlie about his association with Katie and the affair of the night. At first, Charlie was also very dissatisfied, asking me why I was holding on to his faults, why I didn't talk about Helen's questions, why I didn't answer his repeated questions about whether to break up with Helen.
I replied, "I hope these discussions will help you to increase your self-awareness in order to better cope with the current crisis." If I follow your requirements and ideas exactly, it will be difficult to discover the real cause of your emotional crisis with Helen. ”
In fact, I did this to challenge the self-centered tendencies in his thinking. But to make him feel fair, I also promised him another time to discuss Helen's problem.
Charlie told me that although he also liked Katie's beauty, he felt that she could not be compared to Helen intellectually, so he never took her to heart. I asked him if he had contact with Katie and if there was anything he liked about her.
Charlie thought about it and said, "Katie looks a little bit like Helen, and when she sees her, she thinks of Helen and wants to sleep with her."
"You want to sleep with Katie, don't you feel Helen's presence?" I asked.
"Of course You will feel Helen's presence." Charlie replied.
"Then why did you do something to betray her, and have you ever wondered how Helen would react when she found out?" I asked again.
"I just wanted to indulge myself." Charlie said.
"Doesn't the fact that you want to indulge yourself mean that you're tired of Helen in some ways and have gained satisfaction in Katie?" I asked again.
Charlie was intrigued by my question, saying that he did like Katie's meekness, something he rarely felt in his contact with Helen.
"So it seems that you slept with Katie by accident?" I asked.
"But I still don't think it should happen," Charlie said after a moment of silence, "because I still love Helen deep down." But I admit that the last few times I met Helen, she wasn't as enthusiastic about me as she used to be, and she wasn't as engaged as she used to be. So, somehow there was a sense of revenge in my heart, and maybe it was this thought that prompted me to have that night with Katie.
"So, the betrayal between you and Helen is not accidental?" I commented.
Charlie nodded first, then shook his head, sighed and said, "I didn't expect that, in fact, we had already held our breath for each other!"
unscramble:
What perfectionism means, we can check the "Baidu Encyclopedia" to understand, we can also understand the origin of perfectionism, personality, characteristics, pros and cons. But since it is an interpretation, I thought that from childhood to adulthood, in our study, life, and work, there is an idiom that inspires us all the time, that is, "meticulous". You can recall that in our growth process, parents, teachers, including leaders have been reminding us. When the work is scrawled and typos, when the work is wrong, meticulousness will serve as a motto, and it will also be like a sword that makes us blush.
So what is the difference between perfectionism and meticulousness? Meticulousness refers to doing things carefully and meticulously, not sloppy at all. Perfectionism, which is similar to what people call obsessive-compulsive disorder, is an idea based on dissatisfaction and imperfection everywhere, and the extreme pursuit of perfection and flawlessness, which is formed due to the lack of communication and lack of security in an extreme environment. Judging from the interpretation of these two words, the ostensible pursuit of perfection and error-free. But carefully distinguished, I think there are a few points that distinguish perfectionism from meticulousness:
1. Meticulousness is proactive, not coercive, it is to be done spontaneously; perfectionism is passive, it is forced to do it, it is done in an unsafe state.
2. Meticulousness is a long-term self-requirement, doing things with stability, not afraid of difficulties, getting closer and closer to success, and having a calmer personality; the short-term behavior of perfectionism is more obvious, with a moment of enthusiasm, encountering setbacks is like a defeated rooster, unable to overcome difficulties, and getting farther and farther away from success.
3. Meticulously acknowledge the imperfections of things, admit that there will be failures in doing things, and accept failures calmly. Because of this, meticulous people are more open-minded and listen to different opinions, so as to constantly correct mistakes and go to the other side of success. And in the eyes of perfectionism, they are perfect representatives, others are inferior to themselves, stubborn character, so that they have a narrow vision, rigid self-use, but it is not easy to succeed in doing things.
4. Meticulous people regard work and life as happy things, and perfectionism may become painful things because they do not allow themselves to fail.
5. The meticulous person is centered on others, thinks of others everywhere, tolerates others, and sees his own flaws; perfectionism is self-centered, who thinks for himself in advance, is harsh on others, and cannot see his own shortcomings.
As described in this article: Charlie's perfectionist tendencies are mainly manifested in the fact that he wants to be the first in everything, and cannot tolerate the mistakes of what he or others have done. In love, he has always believed that his love with Helen is God's masterpiece and perfect. Charlie's self-centered tendencies manifest himself in the fact that he is not good at seeing what is happening from the perspective of others, especially Helen. He takes the faults of others very seriously, but he takes his own faults very lightly. He can easily forgive himself, but he cannot easily forgive others. He was very emotional when he talked about being deceived, but when he talked about helan discovering his dealings with Katie, he was calm, and even repeatedly lamented his carelessness.
If you are interested, you can consult the explanations of perfectionism and self-centeredness in Baidu Encyclopedia to further understand the impact of perfectionism and self-centeredness on people's mental health.
Looking forward to tomorrow's reading, enjoying Dr. Yue Xiaodong's consulting style and style, and sharing the enlightenment of Charlie's transformation to us!
November 5, 2021 #Counselor said #