On a dull Monday morning, I listened to a sad graduate student speak. Depending on their state of anxiety, you'll think they're about to be dropped out of school or someone you love is seriously ill.
The truth is very different
This man was an excellent student with a resume full of research projects and publications. However, they got a B's score in the most recent exam, which made them feel bad. Their perfect 4.0 GPA is in jeopardy.
This situation is all too common. Data from more than 40,000 college students from Canada, the United Kingdom and the United States shows that perfectionism is on the rise.
In our achievement-oriented society, perfectionism has been glorified as a badge of honor, and it has become synonymous with hard work and courage.
But this is not the case
Perfectionism is a cruel way of life
Perfectionists have a hard time accepting their flaws. To compensate, they raise expectations to unattainable and unsustainable levels. They push themselves to the limit, expecting a 100 point for what they think is important. Ironically, such a narrow definition of success makes them more afraid of failure.
Perfectionists are not only disappointed when they are unable to achieve a particular goal, they are immersed in shame because they consider themselves to be a complete loser. Perfectionism is associated with many emotional difficulties, such as depression, anxiety, and even suicide.
However, we have not yet faced this reality squarely.
Instead, we continue to glorify perfectionism and push it onto our young people. Parents often lose their temper as the focus shifts from personal development and social connections to fierce competition and winning at all costs.
The same model applies to academia.
A report by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation points out that excessive stress in the pursuit of perfection is an important factor in influencing adolescent health.
Students from "excellent schools", with high standardized test scores and entering top universities after graduation, have a higher rate of mental health problems than national standards.
How can we get rid of the adverse effects that perfectionism has caused on our lives?
1. Reinvent perfectionism
Perfectionists are usually reluctant to give up their perfectionist tendencies because they fear they will lose their edge or fall behind their competitors.
Setting lofty and unrealistic expectations isn't a superpower, it just makes you emotionally vulnerable.
Imagine how much more productive you would be if you stopped carrying too high expectations?
2. Reshape your thinking
Perfectionists often fall into the fallacy of "all or nothing." In their mindset, they either score 100 points or fail completely.
Our brains will love this way of thinking because it will look for patterns that simplify decision-making. It's much easier to choose between the extremes of black and white than to grope between different shades of gray.
The problem with this cognitive distortion is that we may miss important details, which makes us vulnerable to emotional difficulties and interpersonal conflicts.
Even if it is not perfect, you can achieve the goal. You can make some mistakes on exams and still get an A or graduate with honors, but the GPA doesn't have a perfect 4.0, and replacing perfectionism with excellence leads to healthier goal setting.
3. Redefinition fails
To avoid the pain of failure, perfectionists may avoid tasks that are too challenging.
They may be cautious and only work on projects that are likely to be successfully completed. Paradoxically, this tactic stifles personal growth and prevents perfectionists from reaching their full potential. In a safe situation, they will restrain themselves and cannot push themselves out of their comfort zone.
The question is not whether you will experience setbacks, but how you will cope.
When you encounter setbacks, talk to yourself through self-compassion, kindness and understanding.
After all, failure is an opportunity to learn and grow.
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