Wen | Northern Su
01
What does marriage look like, and what should a happy marriage look like?
People often raise such questions, and the people who raise these questions are often experiencing great changes in marriage, suddenly waking up from the marriage and family life that was originally thought to be "safe" in the past, unable to accept the changes in the current marriage, and suddenly finding that they do not understand marriage.
Originally thought that getting married would meet the life and happiness that they wanted in their ideals, but they did not want to walk, and the two people who only saw each other in each other's eyes became strange and distant.
Many betrayed parties will fall into doubts in the face of marital crisis, but these questions are only a complaint of the betrayed person to his partner in a painful state.
They don't have the energy to really think about these two questions, or how thinking about them will help their situation.
In the face of the marriage crisis, every betrayed person as a separate individual will instinctively resent the hurt brought to him by his partner's violation of commitments and responsibilities, will feel that the other party has destroyed the marriage, and will feel that the other party does not see himself as a true lover and a soul mate who is in love with each other.
These accusations against the betrayer will give the betrayed party some balance in their hearts, but these balances can only be a flash, because in the face of marital problems, the betrayed person is still in a state of powerlessness.
02
What is powerlessness?
The most obvious feeling is that in the face of a partner's betrayal, you don't know how to choose and how to deal with it.
Perhaps the most intimate feeling is that they obviously think that each other is the most important person in each other's lives, and they have always believed in it, but they don't want their partner to think like this, similar to a kind of disappointment, unwillingness, and anger that is, unfair, not understanding, and why.
In a state of powerlessness, the betrayed party seems to have no way to do anything except complain about the partner, it is the other party is not good, harming themselves into this painful and confused situation, it is the other party that is not good, affecting the family and hurting themselves.
However, the betrayed party will also find that no matter how much he complains, how he accuses, or even curses, the problem of his partner's betrayal of marriage is still difficult to solve, and the backlog of bitter emotions in his heart seems to be increasing.
It seems that the marriage is in a stalemate, and the betrayed party uses a lot of strength and cannot change this deadlock, the partner stubbornly refuses to communicate, and the marital rift exists to hurt himself.
What is marriage? Why should I get married? Why is his marriage unhappy, why does a good marriage not appear in my life, why do I pay so much for marriage and family, but not the soul mate that he accepts in his heart?
If the betrayed party can really find the answers to these questions, rather than just complaining, perhaps the marriage crisis will become a turning point.
03
I often see some comments at the bottom of the article, similar to "Why is it that the man who betrays the marriage has to let the woman take the initiative to repair the marriage?" "Why do women betray their marriages and ask men to choose to forgive?" "Why doesn't the person who betrays the marriage change, but the betrayed party changes?"
Yes, it is true that for the party who bears the betrayal, it is really unfair to take the initiative to repair himself when he is hurt, to forgive the other party, to change himself.
What is the basis for this fairness? Based on the joint agreement between husband and wife, the concept of morality tells us that the party who makes a mistake has to assume the obligation to make amends and apologize.
However, the fact that the partner has betrayed the marriage indirectly shows that moral constraints can no longer make him know how to reflect and adjust himself.
If you put the direction of your life in the hands of this person, it seems that you will be more likely to be hurt again and unable to be stable and sure that you will be loved.
Therefore, in the face of the marriage crisis, the betrayed party takes the initiative to operate the marriage, makes choices according to their own needs, adjusts their own way of running the marriage after choosing, learns to think about what marriage is, learns how to get along with each other, how to rebuild feelings with partners after experiencing this betrayal, and deepens the connection is not a loss, and there is no unfairness.
Because at this time, the basis of fairness or not has been changed, it is no longer the basis for the equal payment of husband and wife cooperation, but the betrayed party acts and strives for his own happiness, for his own family and life, to strive for the greatest possibility of his own happiness, but the partner just happens to be a necessary existence to form happiness, not to pay for the mistake of the partner's betrayal of the marriage.
04
If your marriage has encountered the crisis of betrayal, and you have also experienced confusion and pain, from resentment and anger to knowing how to actively fight for your own happiness, then you may want to know how to manage the marriage, how to get along with your partner, two people will become soul mates, do not let each other be estranged again.
Becoming a soul mate is not a transformation that can be achieved overnight, especially for a marriage that has experienced betrayal, so you must have a preparation: work hard for your own happiness for a long time, drive your marriage relationship, and drive your lover to change together.
Once you're ready, you can try to do three things well, so that your relationship slowly moves from estrangement, from closer to deeper, and then from intentionally establishing a connection to unconsciously inseparable from each other.
First: Be his confidant and guide him to become your confidant.
Earlier, we mentioned what is marriage and what a good marriage looks like, these two questions.
In fact, these two problems are to help the betrayed person rethink that their past understanding of marriage is different, and their attitude towards marriage will be different.
Understand marriage as a person who loves me and pets me after marriage, and there may be many requirements and expectations for each other in marriage;
Understanding marriage as two companions, giving each other other other relationships irreplaceable companionship, the communication and getting along between two people in marriage may have a lot of warmth between chai rice oil and salt, and these warmth will become a close connection between two people.
After experiencing betrayal, the most important point to pay attention to is that you have little deep connection between you, and although you know that you have to invest in marriage and love each other, you may not really give each other the feeling of companionship.
Confidant plus companionship is to give companionship when the other party needs it; at the same time, there is no accusation and change of the other party's meaning, and to understand the other party's feelings, see the feelings of the ta, express the understanding of the ta's inner feelings, as well as their own relationship with the ta and the willingness to accompany the ta to face.
Inner feelings are seen, understood, and accompanied and supported by partners, this is a mutually nourishing relationship, you first try to give your partner these intimate feelings, I believe that slowly you will also get his intimate companionship from him.
Second: Embrace and accept each other's differences, and be each other's fellow travelers, not reformers.
When there is no betrayal in marriage, there will be many inconsistencies between husband and wife when they get along, and under the influence of subjective concepts, both husband and wife will think that what they understand is the most basic common sense, the most basic marital needs; if the other party cannot do it or does not understand, it is that there is a problem with the husband and wife, and they will want to change the child.
After experiencing betrayal, if two people do not accept each other well, this transformation may escalate, and there will be a lot of elements of mutual attack and accusation, and they will always try to transform each other into a perfect partner, into what they think they should be in their minds.
But from another point of view, the transformation is not accepted, not recognized, is a kind of restriction, or even a depreciation, and the transformation will only be exchanged for a more distant and contradictory relationship between the two people, which is a wrong way to consume the happiness in the relationship.
If you want to be a soul mate, if you want to repair the rift that betrayal has brought, all you need to do is try to understand your partner again, accept his ideas, behaviors, habits, etc. that are not exactly the same as yours in life, and give him understanding;
You accompany each other, run marriage and family together, you are each other's fellow travelers, be a good fellow traveler, give him more freedom, he will also give more freedom; without the constraints of mutual transformation, you may let go of the sense of exclusion and truly rely on each other.
Third: Try to be each other's leader, supervisor, when the other person needs it.
In the psychology industry, there is a profession of supervisor, the supervisor is to the counselor to do counseling and case analysis of the teacher, often to help the counselor out of the problems and obstacles he encountered in the counseling.
Between husband and wife, two people should try to be each other's supervisors, guides, and give each other strength and appropriate guidance when the other encounters problems, confusion or helpless confusion.
The supervisor and the guide are different from the reformers mentioned in the second point, who are based on the premise that the partner is wrong and problematic; the supervisors only give the other party some useful advice and help in the needs of the other party or in regular communication.
On the road of life, everyone will encounter problems of one kind or another, and when encountering these problems, there must be a person who can give themselves companionship and strength, and the best candidate for this person is the partner around them.
In life, two people are partners accompanying each other, and each other is the leader of each other at key moments to support and lead each other, such a relationship is both comfortable and warm; both need each other and be needed by each other.
In the process of repairing your marriage, what you need is to know how to see his needs, know how to give him the help he needs, and know how to pass on your feelings to him, and tell him when you need him to help, and be grateful for the help he has given.
Northern Soviet Summary: The emergence of betrayal is a clear warning that you have not become a soul mate in your past marriage, and it is also a reminder that you may have neglected to run a marriage in the past marriage.
Soul mates cannot be forced, but after this marriage crisis, if you have the understanding of re-running the marriage, and begin to know how to really think about how to manage your feelings, how to connect with your partner to the soul, you may walk closer and closer, and the more you go, the more you have, how happy and grateful it is to have each other around.
Every occurrence of suffering may be a prompt, receive this prompt, and then transform, and your immediate actions will bring more happiness to the future.