△ Sun Yunxiao, the author of this article, is a researcher at the China Youth Research Center and vice president of the China Family Education Society
On October 23, 2021, the National People's Congress passed the Family Education Promotion Law, which is a milestone in China's family education cause and a new historical starting point. The content of the Family Education Promotion Law is extremely important and rich, and the fundamental point is to clarify the main responsibility of parents or other guardians in family education, as well as the coordinated support of the state and society for family education. This is a legal obligation that parents need to understand and practice, and it is also a legal responsibility that the state and society need to put in place.
There is no doubt that the new era not only entrusts parents with sacred responsibilities, but also puts forward unprecedented high standards and high requirements for parents' educational literacy, because the new era needs strong parents, without strong parents, there will be no strong descendants, and there will be no strong nation and hope.
In fact, in the face of the opportunities and challenges of the times, generations of parents have assumed the most important responsibility for family education, and the healthy growth of generations of children is enough to prove that the vast majority of parents are competent, and can even be said to be strong. However, there is an obvious misunderstanding in the work of family education guidance, that is, there are too many accusations against parents and insufficient support. Many parents have very embarrassing memories, such as being reprimanded or ridiculed by teachers, as if any shortcomings of the child are the fault of the parents. Imagine if parents have a breakdown in their hearts, what hope is there for homeschooling? It is true that the growth of adolescents and children is deeply affected by the family, but exaggerating the responsibilities of parents is not conducive to the solution of problems, and it is not conducive to the self-confidence of strong parents. The successful practice of family education tells us that we must unswervingly believe in parents, believe that parents have strong abilities, believe that children also have strong potential, under such a premise, teach parents how to love their children rationally, including adhering to correct values, respecting children's rights, drawing clear lines between right and wrong, etc., and ultimately can cultivate truly healthy development with happiness as the goal.
In Article 2 of the General Provisions, the Family Education Promotion Law makes clear provisions on the important contents and responsibilities of family education: "Family education as used in this Law refers to the cultivation, guidance and influence of parents or other guardians on the moral character, physical fitness, life skills, cultural accomplishment, behavior and habits implemented by minors in order to promote the comprehensive and healthy growth of minors. Article 3 of the General Provisions also emphasizes: "Family education takes the cultivation of virtue as the fundamental task." Article 16 also stipulates the specific contents of six articles on family education. These legal principles show that family education has its own essence and characteristics, it is a colorful life education, it is an education that teaches children to be human with life practice, rather than a "chicken baby" competition with the goal of chasing examination rankings and entering famous schools. This is the guidance of the original source, which has extremely practical significance for parents in the context of "double subtraction".
Both growth and education are regular. What exactly is a strong parent? Or what are the most important characteristics of a good parent? Perhaps, it can be basically summarized in 12 words: companionship, example, discovery, respect, support, and growth.
accompany
Just as seedlings are inseparable from sunshine and rain, minors, especially young children, are very much in need of companionship, and they need the companionship of love and wisdom. The Family Education Promotion Law establishes the principle of "personal parenting and strengthening parent-child companionship", and the psychological parenting theory of professor Li Meijin, a criminal psychologist, tells us that parents establish an intimate attachment relationship with their children in the process of raising children, which is the cornerstone of family education. Therefore, the first duty of parents is the companionship of love. Please note that the child needs not the company of the mother alone, but also the company of the father.
Companionship requires love, physical strength, and perseverance. At the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games, Li Hong, chief representative of the International Olympic Committee in China, brought us a classic case, she grew up in Tianjin, since the first grade of primary school, her father took her for a run every day until she graduated from high school. 12 years of companionship, 12 years of persistence, even if Li Hong entered the university and later studied abroad, has always insisted on running. Li Hong developed a good habit of insisting on exercise and grew into a college student who was confident and self-reliant. The 9-year primary and secondary school period can be described as a critical period of growth, how many contradictions and ups and downs may be accompanied? The father insisted on accompanying the run, so that his daughter entered the green channel of growth. That's the beauty of companionship. The biggest gain from long-term companionship is to guide children to develop good habits and form a healthy personality.
example
As the saying goes, children grow up watching their parents' backs, so teaching by example is more important than words. Family style has a huge impact on people's growth, and the words and deeds of parents are the key factors in forming family style. As Dr. Hong Ming said, for a person, values occupy a central position in their personality structure, playing a decisive role in their way of acting, thinking, and moral character. The family is the cradle of the formation of a person's values, and the key to the formation of a person's values is determined by his family values (family style). Therefore, the role model of parents has become the most direct, effective and important family education, for example, the things that children are required to do first, and the things that are not allowed to be done by children are not done by themselves. Examples of parents taking the lead in reading influencing children to fall in love with reading abound.
Family education is mainly life education, as educator Tao Xingzhi said, a good life is a good education, a bad life is a bad education. As Researcher Chu Zhaohui said, unlike the old education that repeatedly emphasized "being a person" only from the perspective of moral constraints, Tao Xingzhi greatly enriched the connotation of "being a person", taking the cultivation of "life force" as the basis for "being a person" and creating an ideal society as the goal of "being a person". The vitality includes "a healthy physique, a skill of labor, a scientific mind, an interest in art, and a spirit of transforming society." The Law on the Promotion of Family Education stipulates: "Help minors establish a correct concept of labor, participate in labor within their ability, improve their ability to take care of themselves and live independently, and develop excellent character of bearing hardships and standing hard work and good habits of loving labor." "For example, if parents love life and can cook well, it is a good example for their children, and children are likely to love life and even be willing to do housework." If parents hate to do housework, lack of fireworks at home, always used to call takeaways, and poor and boring family life, how can children like family life? It is even less likely to like to do housework. On the eve of National Day, I went back to my hometown in Qingdao to celebrate the birthday of my 97-year-old mother. Because the old man was sick and lying in bed, I proposed to reduce the number of times I ate at home, but the old mother insisted on "leaving home dumplings and returning noodles to the house". If you think about it, I have been away from home for 43 years, and I enjoy this tradition every time I come home. Not only that, but the noodles and dumplings at home have a "mother's taste". Therefore, I feel that the old mother is really a hero of life and a role model for our whole family.
found
I have a basic point that the whole mission of children's education can be summarized in 12 words, that is, to discover children, to liberate children, to develop children. The first is to find that good parents will find out the changes and needs of their children in time and give them the necessary understanding, help and support. Discovering the potential advantages of children early, which is the special and sacred mission of powerful parents, no one pays more attention to and knows your children better than you, and you don't find who finds? And people's life is to rely on the advantages of development, and it can even be said that they live by advantages, and the life that does not find advantages may be a muddy life. In terms of theoretical basis, Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences paints a framework for us, everyone has more than 8 intelligences, but each person's combination of intelligences or advantages is different. The Chinese proverb "Three hundred and sixty lines out of the yuan" also tells the mystery. The problem is that the child's potential advantage is not easy to find, which requires not only care but also conditions, especially a variety of practice. Of course, there is a process of discovering the child's advantages, from false advantages to real advantages, from small advantages to large advantages, continuous discovery is growth, and the sooner the discovery, the more likely it is to grasp the initiative of education. At the same time, parents should communicate more with their children, paying special attention to their children's self-discovery. It was at the age of 11 that I discovered the strong sense of happiness of reading and began a life-changing literary dream, a discovery that was like a powerful engine in my heart to give me the motivation to grow, and like a torch to illuminate my long life path. Without this discovery, I can hardly imagine what I would have looked like.
respect
For many parents, the hardest thing to do is to respect their children, and the salient feature of strong parents is precisely respect for their children. For example, many parents expect their children to enter prestigious schools and obtain high-paying, safe and decent careers. A survey by the China Youth Research Center found that parents most want their children to choose careers such as civil servants. But what attitude do you take when a child makes a choice that is very different from what their parents expect? A mother in Qingdao told me that her daughter had achieved very good results in the college entrance examination and could enter Tsinghua Peking University, but she chose to study at a university majoring in foreign-related policing because her dream was to become a modern policeman. The mother was very troubled in her heart, but still respected her daughter's choice. A change worth noting for today's parents is that as China gradually enters the era of affluence, the choice of children may change significantly, that is, they will no longer seek food and clothing as the goal, but pay more attention to the realization of personal interests and dreams. This is naturally the progress of civilization. The survey data provided by the China Youth Research Center in 2016 proves this: from 2005 to 2015, the main order of children's academic expectations is still the first choice for doctorates, followed by master's and undergraduate. However, the expectations of the post-00s for doctoral degrees have dropped by 16.3% compared with those of the post-90s, and the parents' expectations for their children's academic qualifications have also shown the same downward trend, gradually returning to a rational attitude. (3) Educator Montessori has a basic educational point of view, that is, parents should not be the shapers of their children, but to be the helpers of their children's growth. In terms of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child and the legal principles of China's Law on the Protection of Minors, we must respect the four basic rights of children or minors, namely the right to survival, development, protection and participation, in short, "child-friendly", children first, and children's interests are maximized. Of course, it must be seen that minors are immature, and respecting children does not mean that only the children's opinions are followed, but that the children's opinions are carefully listened to, reasonable opinions are accepted, and unreasonable opinions are analyzed and guided. For example, schools such as Shenzhen Cuibei Experimental Primary School have a good family education model, that is, they often hold family meetings, which not only ensures children's right to participate in family life, but also solves many problems that children are troubled. This is true respect.
backing
Children are the most in need of support, because children have colorful dreams but lack the ability and experience to achieve them, and they are most eager to get help from adults. There is no doubt that caring parents are most likely to give their children support, especially to liberate them. Educator Tao Xingzhi has an important proposition: we must liberate children's minds, hands, feet, space, and time, so that they can fully get a free life and get a real education from a free life. Practice has proved that the healthy growth of children especially needs the rational love of parents, for example, having a positive explanatory style and abandoning the negative explanatory style, because the parents' explanatory style profoundly affects the child's personality. Explaining or judging children's behavior, which is almost the most frequent way for parents to educate their children, can be said to be commonplace. Childhood is both the age when newborn calves are not afraid of tigers, and the period when mistakes are most frequent, parents' explanations may affect the direction of children, positive explanations lead to self-confidence and optimism, and negative explanations lead to pessimism and despair. Another support that parents especially need for the healthy growth of children is to give encouragement and guidance at key moments of growth. Many times, children have discovered their potential advantages and made choices that suit them, but they may not be able to stick to it, because any aspect of learning is inseparable from overcoming difficulties. A female student at Peking University replied, "What is a good father?" When he said: "A good father is 90% gentle, plus 10% cold." This shows that the growth of children needs the love of parents and the rationality of parents.
grow
Growing up as one of the six characteristics of a strong parent is by no means insignificant in the end, but it is particularly important, has the value of the bottom, and even says that it is the most essential feature of a strong parent in the new era. Why? Because we face the information world, face the great changes that have not occurred in thousands of years, and even more face the children who grew up in the Internet age, the family wall is too thick to resist the impact of society, and no parent can easily cope. The only way out for parents in the new era is to grow up with their children, learn and learn again, and grow and grow again. The information society has many characteristics of "post-metaphorical culture", that is, in some ways, the seniors need to learn from the younger generations, so learning the advantages of children has become a new feature of strong parents.
When we talk about family education, it is completely understandable that not all life is a good life, and not all life is conducive to the growth of children. As strong parents, we have so much knowledge and ability to learn. Let's start with a fact to illustrate how many families are plagued by mobile phones and online games. What does it look like to be a family together? One person holding a mobile phone, the family rarely communicates, and it is difficult for parents and children to talk, which can really be described as: people are at hand, and the heart is at the end of the world. What panacea do you have as a parent? Zhu Ziwei, a fourth-grade primary school student at Beijing Shijia Primary School, issued an initiative: "Put down the mobile phone and let us really be together", which is the beautiful practice of children participating in changing their lives. In the past six months, more than a thousand family parents have responded to their children's suggestions, put down their mobile phones for 54,000 hours, that is, they do not play mobile phones for more than two hours after dinner every day, and chat, play or study with their children, effectively promoting the harmony of parent-child relationship and achieving good results. It can be seen from this that respecting the child's right to participate is how important it is, and parents and children create a better life together, which is the real vitality of family education.
epilogue
In short, in family education, as long as you accompany, set an example, discover, respect, support, and grow, you are a good parent and a strong parent. The new era needs parents to be strong, children need their parents to be strong, and strong parents are the hope of revitalizing family education and the hope of the great rejuvenation of the Chinese nation!
Sun Yunxiao
Vice President of China Family Education Society
Distinguished Professor of Capital Normal University
The Feeling of Life