The more you nag, the more "inaudible" the child becomes
There is a saying that goes: the most incompetent education is nagging. Nagging is also the most hated parental behavior of children.
There is a passage in "Children Are Not Stupid" that is quite interesting:
"Adults often think that talking to us a lot is communication, but in fact, they are talking to themselves, and they are cool."
There is an "overrun effect" in psychology:
Refers to the psychological phenomenon of too much stimulation, too strong or too long-term action, which causes extreme psychological impatience or rebellion.
That's why the more you nag, the more "inaudible" your child becomes.
A few days ago, I went to pick up early school, and a mother and son at the entrance of the school were particularly eye-catching.
The little boy was bouncing out of school and running happily to his mother, but when his mother saw him, her first reaction was:
"Oh my God, where are you rubbing so much dirty stuff!" The new clothes I just bought are so dirty, how to wash them when I go back? ”
Mama Barabala... After saying a long string, the boy's laughter suddenly stopped, and he listened to his mother's "chanting" as he walked.
Mom pulled him over and wiped him as he walked, counting the drops:
"Tell you to be careful, how did you promise me yesterday?" You shouldn't be bought new clothes! This is very expensive, I said not to buy this, you prefer ..."
At first, the boy was very guilty of accepting criticism, but she kept talking, watching the child become numb, soullessly walking forward with the mother's pull, but his eyes were unfocused, and no matter how his mother yelled and scolded, she did not react, like a puppet without emotion.
Watching it from a distance, this scene is a bit suffocating, and it is also very painful for the child.
At this time, for him, his mother's criticism could no longer enter his ears, all he could feel was his mother's anxious emotions, and he chose to close his ears.
For children, the mother's chatter is like Sun Wukong's tight curse, when this stimulation is more and more, not only will lose its original strength, but may even become counterproductive.
This is the manifestation of the "overrun effect".
The over-limit effect destroys the credibility of parents
There is a little story about the out-of-limit effect:
The famous American writer Mark Twain once listened to a priest's speech at a church.
Initially, he felt that the pastor spoke well, touched people, and was ready to donate.
After 10 minutes, before the pastor had finished speaking, he became impatient and decided to donate only some change.
After another 10 minutes, the pastor had not finished speaking, so he decided not to donate a penny.
When the pastor finally finished his lengthy speech and began to collect donations, Mark Twain, out of anger, not only did not donate money, but also stole 2 yuan from the plate.
This psychological phenomenon of excessive stimulation, excessive strength and prolonged action that causes psychological impatience or resistance is called the "over-limit effect".
In family education, the negative effects of the overrun effect occur from time to time.
When I was a year or two old, I also stepped on a lot of pits.
One thing that impressed me very much was that there was a time when relatives and friends at home were crazy to buy toys early, so much so that during that time we specially freed up an area to put toys early.
But there are a lot of toys, every time you take it out early to play, the whole house is a mess...
I wanted to help me develop good habits early, and I was particularly anxious, so I began to chant early:
Toys that are not played should be put back in place in time;
Where to take it from and where to put it back;
Don't take too many toys out at once and so on.
But after nagging for a while, I found that the situation not only did not improve, but it made me think of my nagging earlier.
So I changed my strategy:
I first put the toys together with the early morning, I promised to accompany her once a week to carry out a big tidying up, and at the same time reminded her that she had to sort out the toys she had played with every day, otherwise the daily room would be chaotic, the toys could not be found, and I would not help her.
Practice has proved that this method of direct action is more effective for children.
That's when I knew that anything was too late.
Many parents will think that only by constantly chanting can children put words into their hearts, so they regard chanting, criticism, and yelling as an indispensable means of educating their children.
But when the child has antagonistic emotions about these, no matter how much the parents say, they will have no binding effect.
Excessive nagging, ruining is the credibility of parents.
In family education, we should try to avoid the "overrun effect".
Respect and letting go are the best ways to educate
Education is hidden in the details.
In order to make the parents' words more powerful without causing the child's rebellious emotions, you can start from these points.
1. Parents try not to speak with negative emotions.
Sometimes children make mistakes or do things that are not good enough to get criticism or complaints from their parents.
While blaming the child, while asking the child to do better, for the child, the emotion he can experience is only "mom and dad are criticizing me" this kind of thing.
In order to reduce the damage value, children can only choose to shield or fight these two ways to deal with.
At any time, appeasement, encouragement, and belief are all ways to promote human growth more than accusation, questioning, and criticism.
2. Give your child enough patience and autonomy to make good use of "natural punishment".
We keep repeating what has been said to our children, nothing more than worrying that they won't hear or can't do it; but many times, our worries are superfluous.
In the face of children's growth and change, we must give more patience, let children supervise themselves, but also take responsibility for themselves.
In this regard, we can refer to a famous educational law proposed by the French educator Rousseau in "Emile"-"natural punishment":
When the child has made a mistake in behavior, or has made a mistake, the parents do not give too much criticism, but let the child bear the direct consequences of the behavior negligence or mistake.
When the child bears the consequences, it causes the child's self-remorse, consciously makes up for the mistakes, learns from the experience, and grows.
For example
Children who procrastinate and do not write homework either choose to stay up late to finish writing, or suffer criticism from teachers the next day;
Children who do not like to clean up their rooms will naturally change their habits after experiencing the trouble of the messy house.
In the education of children, we must grasp these two principles:
Give your child full respect, as well as freedom within the rules.
The nagging and discipline of parents is also in the fine, everything must be "just right".
Understand children to find the best way to get along
Raising a baby is a slow process of work, and I can't eat hot tofu in a hurry.
The more anxious, the more nagging, the more unable to keep the child's ears.
Therefore, in order to avoid the "overrun effect" of children, effectively convey the words of parents and keep children's ears.
We must always ask ourselves:
Is this for the purpose of educating the child, rather than venting one's negative emotions?
Can this way really make children hear, understand, and listen to their hearts?
In the relationship with children, can we understand, tolerate children, and experience their feelings?
To do these things, the words we say, in the ears of children, will not become useless nonsense.
If education has an answer, I suppose, it's nothing more than these words:
Listen, respect, inclusion, and gentleness.
Wang Xiaoqian
Famous host, parent-child education expert, founder of "Wang Xiaoqian Parent-Child Theory", "Marriage and Family Psychological Counselor" of the Institute of Psychology of the Chinese Academy of Sciences, Love Promotion Ambassador of the "Family Growth Plan" of the China Women's Foundation, expert consultant of the "Love and Nurturing future" family early education public welfare project. In-depth study of self, family system and children's development rules, and continue to explore practical and operable child parenting concepts and family solutions. Because of its practice in the field of family education and its strong sense of mission and practice, it is trusted by millions of parents and mothers.