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01
In his book The Psychology of Interpersonal Communication, Dale Carnegie said, "Over the years, in order to deepen emotional communication with new friends, I would write down the birthdays of new friends when they talked about home. Being warm and friendly to others is the most effective way to gain friends. ”
In fact, whether it is warm and friendly, or remembering other people's birthdays, these two words are at work: active.
The word "active" is often not an easy task, because people are inert and will be lazy to do a lot of things if they are not restrained. In this way, many things that are good for us do not "take the initiative" to do, and we will not have the effect we want.
The reason is very simple, everyone wants to have money, but if they are too lazy to work and too lazy to pay, the money will not run into our pockets. We want love, we want to pursue someone, but we just think, never take the initiative to do it, and love can't be talked about. We want to run the marriage well, but if we don't take the initiative to run the marriage, it is difficult for the marriage to automatically have high quality.
This requires us to always remind ourselves to take the initiative, develop the habit of taking the initiative, although it will be tired, but what is not tired? People are nothing more than two things in life, either to get along with people or to do things, and taking the initiative to pay will definitely consume time and energy, but we can't just stare at how tired it is to do so, but we should pay attention to the meaning and value that comes with doing so.
02
Carnegie said: "Talking people focus on finding common topics in conversation, because common topics can arouse the interest of both parties. When the conversation is focused on the topic of interest to the other party, the other party will be happy because of your carefulness and will be willing to talk to you, so that you can achieve the purpose of talking to the other party in depth. ”
Many things in the relationship are like this, whether it is two people talking together, or doing things together, there needs to be a common topic, there needs to be a common goal and direction, and at least one party must be more active, control the rhythm of life, guide the other party to be interested in themselves by caring about what the other party is interested in, and two people living together should be carried out in such a cycle.
If both husband and wife are proactive enough to take care of each other's feelings, such a marriage will undoubtedly be very happy. However, there are not many cases where both husband and wife take the initiative at the same time, and more often one of them takes the initiative. As for who will play this active role, you should pay attention when choosing marriage.
If you are an active enough person, even if the other party can't be as active as you, as long as you take care of her feelings and inspire her to be interested in you, you can be together. On the other hand, if your initiative does not have any effect, it means that you are not suitable for the other party.
As her friend Xiaocai said about her previous marriage: "My marriage, from the surface, was destroyed by her ex-husband, but if I looked deeply, I could not escape the blame, because he had problems from the beginning, and I did not care, I thought he would be a responsible and good husband, and when he got married, he knew that he was a person who did not understand gratitude." ”
This is because she is not cautious enough in choosing marriage, although she is a person who knows how to take the initiative, but a little blind self-confidence, she thinks that she takes the initiative to pursue her ex-husband Ah Fan, and controls the direction of love, you can exchange for a happy marriage, but I don't know, Ah Fan this kind of person is not only not active, but also very selfish, as a phoenix man, he cares only about himself and his family.
He cares about himself and his family, Xiaocai takes the initiative to be generous to him and his family, does not want to cause too much burden to their family when they get married, and spends his money on the marriage, of course, he will not complain, of course, he is willing to accept Xiaocai to make a wedding dress for him and his family.
Xiao Cai thought that her efforts would be rewarded, but when her brother was short of money to buy a house, she asked Ah Fan for help, and the reply she got was: "Your brother has no money to buy a house is pitiful, but it has nothing to do with me!" ”
At that moment, Xiao Cai was instantly disappointed in him. When she talked about her previous efforts, Ah Fan was dismissive, saying that she had paid voluntarily, and he did not force it, so he should not be asked to be grateful. At this point, she realized what kind of person she was married to, and she regretted marrying away, so she decisively chose divorce.
After experiencing this marriage, she understood: "I can no longer blindly choose marriage, I don't ask men to take the initiative to pay like me, but at least I can't be grateful, I can not pay before me, but after I pay, when I ask him to pay, he should pay, if I can't meet such a person in the future, I would rather not get married." ”
03
There is no problem with the experience that Xiaocai finally summarized, the so-called "appropriate" of both husband and wife does not necessarily have to be completely consistent in all aspects, nor does it require both parties to be active and generous at the same time, there can be a distinction between priority, but there should be something.
Couples who can accompany each other for a lifetime have one thing in common: they are both proactive and generous. Taking the initiative is to take the initiative to pay like Xiaocai, take the initiative to communicate with each other, take the initiative to run a marriage, and take the initiative to guide the other party to become active. Generous means that you don't have to worry about some innocuous little things, the other party does not do well in some aspects for the time being, it does not matter, generous to guide him.
These two characteristics can not wait until after marriage to verify, otherwise once the other party can not be as active and generous as you, you are equivalent to marrying the wrong person, at that time, whether divorced or not, you will not be happy.
The safest way is to verify in the process of getting along before marriage, as long as you can ensure that you are an active and generous person, you can let go and judge whether the other party is active and generous, and whether there is a possibility of being molded. If Xiaocai was not so blindly confident at the beginning, if she had judged whether Ah Fan was generous and active before marriage, whether there was a possibility of being guided, and if she found that there was a problem, she would not let the marriage start, and she would not have experienced that failed marriage.
Don't think it's tedious to do these things, because doing these things is also a manifestation of "initiative" in itself. There is no happy marriage for no reason, a happy marriage needs to be chosen and managed, and anyone who is active enough to take the initiative should take the initiative to assume the responsibility of choosing and operating a marriage. If you are not an active person and can recognize this fact, when you choose marriage, you need to judge whether the other party is active and can guide you.