On October 3, 2021, on the occasion of the 29th wedding anniversary, former US President Barack Obama shared two warm photos on social media: 57-year-old Michelle sat on the sofa, snuggled in Obama's arms, and Obama put his arm around his beloved wife's shoulders, showing the sweetness of his old husband and wife.
Mr. Obama posted next to the photo: "For the past 29 years, I've loved watching the world know you, not just the daughter of the South, but also the mother, the lawyer, the administrator, the writer, the first lady, and my best friend, and I can't imagine living without you." ”
Feeling good, so grateful, all because I know that it is not easy to come by.
The same is true of the marriage of Obama and Michelle, who once wandered on the brink of collapse, arguing fiercely, torturing each other, and finally unable to bear it, falling into depression and entering the psychiatrist's office.
What made them bond should be the same black skin of the same black father and white mother.
After graduating from Harvard Law School with a Ph.D., Obama went to a well-known law firm for an internship and met michelle. The only two of them in the whole office were dark-skinned, and naturally, they approached. Because Michelle was Obama's trainee teacher, the two got closer and closer.
At the age of 28, Michelle felt that she should get married, but Obama did not want to get married, thinking that two people have feelings, it is okay to be happy together, there is no need to get married, so vulgar. Michelle was in a hurry, and in a romantic high-end restaurant, she quarreled with Obama. She firmly believes that they should get married or not be together. When the quarrel was incompatible, Obama let the waiter serve a dish with a ring in it. Michelle burst into laughter.
After marriage, Michelle miscarried once because of her busy work, and then could not get pregnant again. At the age of 34, Michelle realized she might not be able to conceive normally and began going to the hospital for help. She did IVF and gave birth to her first child, and later did it again and gave birth to a second child.
Michelle, who had a Ph.D. in Harvard Law, earned a better salary than Obama before becoming a mom, and was an assistant to the mayor of the City of Chicago and deputy director of student affairs at the University of Chicago. He moved to university of Chicago Medical Center in 2002, initially serving as executive director of community affairs and in 2005 was promoted to vice chairman (community and external affairs). She's a strong woman without compromise. But, after becoming a mother, she, like most women, had to focus on her children. So she quit her job and started the life of a housewife with a baby.
But at this time, Obama was also at a career low. Determined to enter politics, Obama began running for state senator, and he was very busy at work, but he failed one after another and did not make money.
Michelle is not only caught up in "widowed parenting", Obama is homeless all day, but also into financial embarrassment. Most of the time Michelle is alone at home to take care of the children, and sometimes when Obama comes home for dinner, she can't wait until midnight. When Obama returned, he didn't have time to say anything, so he plunged into the pile of documents he had brought back. The two seemed to be becoming strangers.
And that's not all, Obama spent all his money on parliamentarian campaigns, and he couldn't get it out of his family or living expenses. Housework, alone with the baby, financial constraints, all of this weighed on Michelle alone, Michelle could not bear it. After a long day of waiting for Obama to return, Michelle was angry, and finally heard Obama's opening of the door, and Michelle could not control the quarrel.
Since then, fierce quarrels have become a common occurrence in their marriage.
When they couldn't stand each other, they thought of divorce. But can divorce solve the problem? Divorce is just the two of them separated, but the reasons that led to the deterioration of their relationship cannot be solved.
First, housework, if Obama wants custody of his children, then, divorced Michelle, he must either be a personal father with the children, or hire a nanny to take the children all day. With his own children, he must give up the political work that he is working, and ask a nanny to take the children, he has no money and is not at ease. Well, both children must have to give Michelle. And whether one child gives Michelle or two children follow Michelle, Michelle's housework will not be alleviated. That is to say, from the perspective of children and housework, divorce does not alleviate the amount of labor of either party, but only the help of one person. For Obama, a family without a wife and two daughters, for Michelle, without a man who protects her and her daughter in society. That's all.
Second, Michelle's "widowed baby" depression, divorce can not be solved, unless both daughters are dumped to Obama, she still has to take the baby alone. Divorce is just to make her change from fake "widowed parenting" to real single-parent family parenting, and divorce cannot be solved by taking the baby alone.
Third, divorce does not solve the problem of financial constraints. Mr. Obama is busy with politics and should have no income or no income unless he gives up politics and remains a lawyer. But Obama's enthusiasm for politics is high. And Michelle, who is a full-time mother at home, does not go to work, should have no money or no money, and still has no money when divorced.
Therefore, I wanted to divorce because of a fierce quarrel, and each other was mentally on the verge of collapse. The reason for the fierce quarrel is because of the above three points. Divorce can end the fierce quarrel, but can not solve the root cause of the quarrel in life, divorce is meaningless, divorced, can only make the life of the two more difficult, but also tired of the lack of father and mother of the child.
Divorce obviously not only does not solve the problem, but also adds more trouble.
Obama and Michelle weighed it up and decided that it was better to stop the quarrel, solve the problem, and save the marriage. But how to solve the problem? Both were caught in a dead loop, extremely confused and unable to get out. So they went into the psychiatrist's office.
After seeing a psychiatrist a few times, Obama and Michelle realized that psychological problems are difficult to solve without solving real problems. The quarrel is only a symptom, and the real cause of the quarrel is not solved, and their lives can only slide into a deeper abyss.
The solution to the problem that Michelle found is essentially the same as the solution to the marriage problem of ordinary Chinese women.
She first called in her mother and asked her to come over and help her with the child. Her mother was very open-minded and understood her difficulties, and resolutely agreed to come and help her with the children and share her household chores. Isn't this grandma helping with the children! No other tricks.
Michelle then set aside part of her time to find a part-time job and earn money to solve the financial embarrassment. For "widowed parenting", her solution is simpler, simply right when Obama is air, right when he does not exist, what to do, do not expect, do not wait for his arrival. Instead of letting her children and herself revolve around Obama's time, she set her own routines and routines for herself and her children. And let the children know: "We don't wait for Daddy, it's him who catches up with us." ”
With the help of her mother, how to take care of the children, how to take care of them, what to do, no longer waiting for Obama to come home for dinner, no longer waiting for Obama to come and play with the children, no longer waiting to discuss family affairs with Obama, everything is done by herself, one person thinks well, and makes decisions.
No longer want Obama not to go home, no longer want Obama to ignore home, Obama for home, in her like a traveler. Thinking like this, Michelle was much more relaxed, and she lived her life methodically. Gradually, the days became more and more stable, and the mentality also improved.
And Obama, seeing the orderly family, after busy work, returned home, felt the calm and warmth, the pressure of work and the irritability brought about by frustration were diluted, and slowly realized his estrangement from home, after the night work did not achieve the desired effect, after repeated unsuccessful campaigns for the Senate, he slowed down and began to share part of his energy to the family. He began to go home on time to eat, and began to take time out of the weekend to accompany his children. At an important voting meeting, his daughter suddenly fell ill and was hospitalized, he dropped the vote and immediately went to the hospital to accompany the child, this time causing him to be condemned by the MPs.
Slowly, their home changed from violent quarrels to calm and peaceful.
In the past, Obama choked up several times at the farewell ceremony of the outgoing president and confessed affectionately to Michelle: "In the past 25 years, you have not only been my wife, the mother of my children, but also my best friend." You took on a role that you didn't ask for in the first place because of me, and played it so gracefully, bravely, and humorously. You make me incredibly proud, and you make the whole country proud of you. ”
Author: Wei Feihong: Contributor, screenwriter. In the colorful world, figure out the yardstick behind the success or failure of life, and show you.