Short stories 丨 Migratory birds fly tired

"No one knows what they want from the beginning, too much to ask for, too much to be self-righteous, more to gain or lose. But ah, there are always people who are obsessed, and there will always be people who are still looking, always looking... Or wait. ”

Author 丨 Xie Danru

Source 丨 Last Meter of Sunshine

Photography 丨 Xie Danru

1.

Honestly, in such an era, at my age, I can still meet love, it is really difficult to say.

Love comes, and then, why should I continue? But if you don't, do you say I don't crave love? As long as the person who has truly loved may not be able to resist the magic of love. Those who say, "Love is not the most important, love is". The person who said this, you pretend to be high, you are afraid that you are old, or do you really think so? The gap between love and love, just one more word, what gives it the rationality of its definition, and what makes the person who draws the conclusion feel that love and love can be compared?

That said, it seems like I should be very young. Juvenile mentality.

The credibility of the statements of public figures should perhaps not be judged so arbitrarily. At the very least, there are many public figures who are responsible for what they say, very few, with very few exceptions. He, the one who said this, said that love is not the most important thing, love is. I only think he is pompous and frivolous, and I even think he does not deserve to have love, let alone love.

However, I was quickly intimidated by the highly authoritative name of "public figure". But believe me, it won't scare me for long. Even, as I think later, the other person may say this because love does not necessarily have to be the kind of person in the marriage, and the degree of love can last far more than love itself. This is just a way to find loopholes in theory and logic, not necessarily correct, but it is still possible.

I remember writing an article called", "Like, And Compassion.". That was many years ago. What I thought then, I can't remember at all. Even if it wasn't for her sudden appearance, I would have almost forgotten about love.

Migratory birds, also known as traveling birds, drifting birds, it is divided into summer migratory birds, winter migratory birds. Refers to a type of bird that can change habitat by making regular migrations with the change of seasons, and they travel back and forth between breeding grounds and cold shelters along a fixed route in the spring and autumn of each year.

I was born in winter, with very different attributes from the migratory bird genus. People born in winter are quiet, colder, smarter, and in many ways very different from people born in summer. Josan, that's a different person.

When I first met Josan, she was not a likable person, and even hated. Straight-forward nature, jumping out of thinking, whirring, lively, there is a kind of person living into the hustle and bustle of a world. I can't stand this. I haven't seen anyone like that in a long time. My feeling at the time was: What a nasty guy, not like a girl at all.

What's even more infuriating is that even though I hate her so much, she is indifferent. What kind of existence does my dislike exist in her eyes? Roll your eyes, a look of disgust, a stiff and cold expression, or never speak well when you speak... It seems like I do this to everyone. Perhaps this is the reason why I have a problem with my expression and her ability to receive it is relatively scarce? I don't speculate without malice.

It's just, what else can I do if I don't? Is it necessary to tell her bluntly that I hate her? So what did I become. Be all abroad. Maybe in the end of the day, there will be a "self-inflicted" misunderstanding? After all, she has nothing to do with me, and my working relationship with her is even more incomparable. Besides, who in this world says it can be constructed exactly according to its own will? More is not salty, patient, far away, and most dislike.

2.

The town is very small, and the people who walk in pairs are basically couples who walk hand in hand. He had apparently noticed, too, that where my eyes were focused, a couple was kissing selflessly. Under the setting sun, there is indeed its beauty. However, all I saw and felt was sadness. I couldn't bear to look more closely, so I set my sights on the setting sun.

He suddenly said, "What do you think a kiss represents?" ”

I didn't look at him, but I could imagine that his expression must have been in response to the memory. I said, "It depends on how you think about this." If it is according to convention, it is like, it is love, it is an expression of some kind of closeness. Of course, all this is based on the premise of the relationship, if the relationship has not yet been determined, that kiss, more likely to be an attitude, a demand, a true portrayal of the heart. If you want to say it from an artistic point of view, then this kiss should represent a certain heartbeat, the deep feeling of the soul that all the figurative images of the emotion want to rush out. Admittedly, there are special circumstances, such as not voluntarily, voluntarily, or unintentionally..."

He stared at me, his eyes fixed intently, as if trying to see me through. He continued to ask, "Which one is your idea?" ”

I lowered my head, not daring to look him directly into his eyes. I don't know what he asked. All along, no one has ever asked me how I feel, so much so much that I have been stressing my thoughts, but the result is the same. No one cares. Later, I learned this expression, this kind of thinking, this way of articulating opinions. After that, I didn't talk much about my feelings, and slowly, I didn't know which one I felt. It seems that neither one is, and it seems that neither is.

"Which one is your idea?" He asked again, "I want to know what you think." ”

I stopped, as if I were getting to know him for the first time. I could tell from the look in his eyes that he was a little angry, and I suppose he felt that the answer was perfunctory to him.

With a low sigh in my heart, I had to reiterate: "One kiss is just that, there are so many exquisite." It is the person who pays attention to it, and it is the person who cares about this kiss. What they think, what a kiss means, but often they don't know what they think, so they have an expression of a kiss. Impulsive, crazy, enthusiastic, replace thinking with physical feelings, thinking that the answers obtained in this way are the most real. I haven't been kissed or kissed anyone else, so I don't have a thought on this question. ”

He was my best friend, but he always felt that I was at a distance from him. It's not hard to understand, I'm far from everyone, and everyone is the same. It is just that more people have two sets of standards: one is their own, and they can do anything here; the other is used for others, as long as they do not meet their own wishes, and they can find some other standard, they will use this standard to impose on others, in order to force the other party to obey, submit, and then get some kind of superiority or other feelings brought about by "power".

Wherever I have any standards, I dare to talk about any standards. Yes there is, there is no, yes is, no is not, I never feel and do not want to change anything. Anything is good, anything can be done, the important thing is that others feel so happy, it is very good, others are not happy, just like now, I will say a few more words. I can't make people happy.

He was still angry. People who are on fire inside can see it at a glance. That very different feeling manifests itself in every aspect of the whole person. People who are familiar with each other, just need to look at it to understand.

It wasn't until I got to the door that his expression eased. I waved at him, and he turned his head, and not far out, he turned back, and he stopped talking. I sat on the stairs in front of my house and watched his fading figure. After watching for a while, his figure was completely lost, and I went home. After watching TV for a while, making a cup of coffee, I stayed for a while, and by the time I came back to my senses, it was late, and I went to sleep.

3.

Life is as plain as water, every day is those people, those things, in the final analysis, are still human affairs, human affairs. As long as human nature doesn't change, those things never change. There will be a future in the past, but it will take what form it takes as conditions change. Work is such a being, and so are the people at work.

I glanced at the dial in my hand, and the time showed that Josan, who was long overdue at this point, was coming. I was secretly happy that the leader happened to be walking around the office at this time, as long as she came, she would definitely bump into a square. However, watching the time pass by minute by minute, the imaginary figure that should have appeared at this point did not appear for a long time, and the leader's eyes scanned it and did not seem to find that she had not yet come. Seeing that the leader's footsteps were about to enter the door of his own office, my mood was inexplicably low.

At work, I looked into her seat from time to time. Until the end of the day, the seat was still empty. I guess, maybe she was interested and left her job? Maybe she was delayed by something and took a leave of absence? Maybe she was in a bad mood and didn't come? According to her nature in the past, the probability of each situation occurring is not low. It's just, somehow, today I actually hope that none of the above things will happen, preferably tomorrow she will come to work.

On the way home, I was still thinking that she hadn't come today. It's weird, it's weird. For a moment, I felt a little different from myself: When did I notice her? And then influenced by her?

Is it her vivid personality, her agile figure, or her outfit? The contrast between the uncommon bright, elegant and vulgar dressed on a little girl. Or is it her voice? It's a soft, sticky, crisp, clean, nice sound, and then it's always easy to stop thinking about it. Or could it be that she is like a butterfly, flying around, flowers and branches, but without giving people any vulgar beauty, the beauty of youth?

I looked down and thought about it for a long time, and a thought popped into my head: It wasn't because I often couldn't see her, so I didn't actually hate her, but on the contrary, it was exactly like this, so when I couldn't be close to her, when I saw her close to others, when I saw others around her, I was jealous, and then from jealousy to jealousy, and then from jealousy to hate.

When I came to this conclusion, I was stunned. Maybe I shouldn't trust my own thinking, and the judgments and summaries made by my thinking are also untrustworthy... However, I could not convince myself of my heart.

Maybe, I really fell in love with her.

4.

Just after taking a shower, the bathroom mirror was damp, and after flushing it with water, I felt that it was not bright enough, so I dried it with a paper towel. However, the place where the paper towel was wiped left a little bit of debris. So, I had to rinse it again with water and wipe it with a dry towel, and this time it was finally wiped clean.

Staring at myself in the mirror, I saw that a strange expression appeared on "my" face, and I smiled, just a very unnatural and ugly smile. I changed positions a few times and continued to fiddle with my face, but the result was still not very satisfactory. I tried many more times, until the "I" in the mirror began to feel deeply tired and reluctantly compromised.

Holding up the vanity table, which was no more than a square inch, he waved the water from his hand, took out a pack of cigarettes from the table, opened the cigarette box, trembled, and took out a cigarette with his teeth. One match "snorted" and extinguished, and another match repeated the same ending. My gaze wandered, one moment staring at the flame extinguishing process, the next moment my gaze lost focus through the flames. My hair was still dripping, dripping down, down my eye sockets, down my chin from there, my chest, and finally to the ground, very soft, but I heard it anyway.

I looked back and stared in the mirror for a moment, a cigarette in my mouth. The dim yellow light of the dressing table hit my face, the "me" in the mirror looked like someone in an "old photo", and my slightly stiff hand paused in the air, and finally placed it in the hair position. First tentatively sliding through the hair, the wet hair was very obedient, and then slightly increased the strength, and the hair gradually had a "shape". After playing with it for a while, and then looking at the "I" in the mirror, I saw "I" smile, naturally, from the heart, shallow smile.

Unfortunately, when I realized I was laughing, the laughter quickly disappeared. Later, no matter how much I wanted to restore it to the appearance of "it", I couldn't do it. Either the eyes are not right, or the curvature of the face is too far-fetched, exaggerated and stiff, and a clumsy pseudo-smile.

The spirit is released, the moisture gradually dries up, the wrinkles at the corners of the eyes, the spots on the surface of the skin, the mushrooms, the sagging skin and the tired look. Further down is the same loose skin, the original "feng" abs have now become a lump of flesh, and the bright red notch is so dazzling, it is the trace left by sitting for a long time, like the faint marks of makeup. The smoke was decisively thrown into the toilet and disappeared without a trace with the sound of a rushing "boom".

Alas, the mirror is too cruel. I'm old.

Take off the glasses, the glasses can not tell whether it is dandruff or dust spots and water droplets, is it too clear to see the reason? Lenses stretch the line of sight, do I really need such a long gaze? Examine yourself, or what else is worth examining?

5.

The bed is a simple wooden bed, and when did the color of the ceiling change from a dazzling white to a beige, dim light white. Turning off the light and turning it on again, I didn't know what I wanted, and myopia of more than 800 degrees took off my glasses, and everything was blurred. The vague feeling between certainty and uncertainty, after staring at it for a long time, will gradually lose its look and your mind will fly. Circled in the nameless realm, and fell back, still in this place, or the current ones.

Tired of looking, I picked up the glasses on the bedside table, and everything was clear again. After clarity is everything monotonous, weary, simple, sad everything. I closed my eyes numbly, and the frame sank unsupportedly without mental support. Sleep when you are tired.

I closed my eyes for a long time, then opened them again, and the hands on the dial moved surprisingly slowly as if they were stuck. Is it normal or abnormal. I closed my eyes again for a long time, and then I opened them again, and it was still the same. I was obviously very sleepy and tired, and this time was clearly the best time to fall asleep: three o'clock in the morning.

Someone once said that there are two best sleep times at night, one is around twelve o'clock in the morning and the other is around three o'clock. I missed the first one and waited for the second best time to fall asleep. However, as I had just experienced, I was long, hard, and tormented. Can't sleep, just can't sleep. I stared at the dial all night, and at first I wanted the time to go slower so that I could try to prepare more and sleep more before the best time to sleep; then I expected the time to go faster so that I could still have a chance, and at that time I was gradually feeling more and more tired, and even I was really falling asleep, and it turned out that I was obviously still not asleep.

At this time, which cannot be said to be slow or fast, I opened my eyes, looked at the time, closed my eyes, and then my mind was turning in another time. When I think of beautiful things, I worry that time is turning too fast; when I think of sleep, I worry that time is turning too fast; what I know in my heart is that time is passing by minute by minute, and I am wasting time. I was waiting, waiting, expecting, longing for a dream to take me away. Dreaming is not necessarily too luxurious, if you can, just make my tiredness less, let my nerves not be so tense, let me relax, or stop, let my thinking stop, let my brain blank for a while... Unfortunately, the more I think about it, the more I crave it, the more slowly time passes, boiling my patience, boiling my body and spirit.

I only felt that my arms were heavy, my eyelids were heavy, my head was heavy, my breathing was heavy, and even the air was very heavy, but I didn't dare to close my eyes, and as soon as I closed my eyes, I was engrossed, full-hearted, and my spirit began to dance wildly.

This simple person, for the first time, realizes the complexity of the brain, the tedious and dense thoughts behind this simplicity. It's all messed up! It's all messed up!

After quitting tea, coffee, and alcohol, this was the first time I couldn't sleep.

The alarm clock sounded, the window was already white, and the boundary of the sun was faintly diffused and spreading. I looked at the scene in front of me in amazement, but I thought of another thing: Is it true? Is Josan real? Is love real?

It is not advisable to think too much at night, it is daytime now, but I only feel sleepy, very sleepy.

6.

Her figure came towards me step by step from far and near, and then, without the slightest pause, walked past me, and her figure moved from near and far, step by step, getting farther and farther away from me. I forgot the "malice" of yesterday, and today I am inexplicably happy and sad.

Her voice went on a rampage into the depths of my soul, and I listened intently. When the leader stood by my side, it seemed, he had already come. "What are you doing?"

What I'm doing, someone I haven't loved, how can I understand. He disturbed my listening, my impetuous heart stirred, and I finally did not have the courage to say what I really wanted to say: My soul is lost, I want to find it.

I said, "Leader, yesterday's topic..."

Naturally, I have too much to say, and I squeeze it with my hand. It's just, does he really want to hear this? He just wanted to verify his judgment and it was inconvenient to say it directly, so he used this way to ask, seemingly respectfully, leaving room for questioning. He simply wanted to hear what he really wanted to hear, or an answer that could reassure him. What else does he care about?

The leader's gaze eased, his expression was gentle, and his face changed rapidly. He paused and said, "First of all, your main task is today..."

I listened to everything he said, but I didn't remember a word. In his expression of satisfaction, I sat back in my seat with the same satisfaction. What else did she say? Why don't you ask me?

The superficiality of young people looks at the bottom, and asking and asking is like a game between lovers. No one takes it seriously and doesn't really think about it. How can a question and answer that flows from the sense of body, satisfied with such an answer, be satisfied?

Inadvertently, a flash of light flashed, and my heart was startled, and I panicked my thoughts, but my eyes escaped from my thoughts and stayed on the shiny glass window. Where does that man not know that it is psychological, this damn possessiveness!

Obviously, I haven't determined anything, and I haven't even skimmed the eight words, so I began to care so much. The rest of my life, maybe it doesn't take so long, so impatient, where to wait.

Three meals a day, as usual, are the same as the old three. Just looking at the food in front of you, whether it is looking or eating, it is tasteless. Breakfast is a tongue that has lost its sense of taste, lunch is a stomach that has lost its appetite, and a supper at night, whether it is light porridge, or caramelized meat, or white-noodle steamed buns, the heart is tired of it first. What could be more disgusting than repeated boredom!

Bracing my tired body, I don't know how I got here. Gardens, lakes, pavilions, long corridors paved with stones. The wind is warm, the air is humid, the viscous air, the disturbing heart, the knot is dark.

The water in the sky ripples in the lake, and after the slight wave is dense and inseparable, almost calm, very deceptive calm. My mind wandered, and I remembered the discussion about "water melting into the sea". How much does love account for?

7.

Love and love are indeed not comparable. At this moment, I was completely blinded by love, neither could I let my body eat normally, and the empty fantasies in my head alone were enough to make me think, steal joy, be sober, and escape sobriety.

Josan, Josan, Josan, I read her name over and over again. Perhaps because of the bowing of the head, when the corners of the eyes slipped out of the tears, the cold tears, it was bitter sweetness.

Remembering the conversation between the two women as they passed by the restaurant, what she said. She said that there was a man, an old man, who actually told her that as long as she was erotic and sexy, she didn't want anything else. What did the woman say, she said, scumbag.

What was my thought at the time, whether to sneer at them, or to walk carefully away from them, or to pretend to be calm. At this moment, I am more curious, what is her real thoughts?

This damn sense of substitution, how I thought. Tears dried up and left traces on the face, how many years have not been hot tears, the heart dried up no faster than tears. Now, seeing that this living water is close at hand, my heart has clearly replaced my thinking, and my thinking has chosen to give in for a short time. What else am I thinking. What could be more painful than asking directly?

Sadly, how can that unsatisfied egoistic thought not be complete! Painfully and happily, shamelessly, and then shamelessly accept all possible results, let the results come faster and go faster!

The hand holding the mobile phone, looking at the long list of numbers, trembled, and even the breathing stopped in an instant, almost pressing such an action. Press, press, press down. The sweat oozing from my forehead was no faster than the weakness of my heart, and my heart was pounding.

A rush of noise was followed by a cacophony of noise, and the distant bustle told me the "untimely" outcome of the trial. Soon, her voice was clear to my ears, but I was silent. She "fed" twice, and then she didn't insist anymore.

For a moment, I felt a fire of confusion. Anger, hatred. The heart is swept into a dark cave and comes out again into a tired, scarred heart. I don't hate it anymore. It is foolish to resent a person, and to resent others is essentially to resent one's own incompetence. I had never been so sober about my incompetence, incompetence and deep weariness.

I thought she would choose another time to confirm the phone call again, but I thought to myself, and I was worried about it. I spent a long time in this uneasiness after hanging up the phone and felt extremely ashamed of my behavior. At the same time, for self-interest, this dark fire of ignorance, is extremely disappointed and tired.

Emptiness, still emptiness, emptiness, emptiness, emptiness. Through the entanglement between the illusory imagination and logic, I saw an innocent woman being calculated, and the culprit was me. I stared at the "me", what was he? The face was abominable, so impolite, and the cultivation landed on the ground, leaving behind the shell of the instinct, the shell of the old and dying. He was clever, he was eloquent, and he was calmly like a righteous gentleman. The servile appearance of his face, the stench emanating from the depths of his soul, is despised and disgraceful!

Near the wee hours of the morning, Josan called. The tired voice on the other end of the phone made people feel a lot of pain out of thin air. I calmly answered, there were questions to answer, and the voice on the other end of the phone was not unhappy. Only when it came to the back, her voice grew weaker and weaker, and the sound of her breathing was clearly audible, and soon she heard a slight snoring. After hanging up the phone, I couldn't bear to smile. After laughing, I still couldn't help it, and laughed loudly.

I can't imagine that she still has such a cute side, at the same time, there is more or less hidden pain in her heart. The heart is still warm, quiet, what silence, quiet breathing, the mood seems to be satisfied, complete. A precursor to a good night's sleep, a sense of happiness multiplied.

Loving someone can never be said to have nothing to do with the other person. It is often the first to have each other, and then love to discover, and then to have love.

8.

A colorful butterfly dances among the flowers and plants, stopping among the branches and leaves and leaving quickly. Sunshine, dew, flower buds, green leaves, grass, not like spring, better than spring. It is so delicate, so moving, yet so lonely.

The days of her internship will soon be over and she will be leaving. The days are as good as ever. Those who do nothing always feel that the rest of their lives are too long, so they are bitter; those who want to do something feel that life is short, so they chase hard; what about the people in the cracks? Warm each other, continue to search, or stop, or leave. But it will eventually leave.

The day she was leaving soon arrived. Different from the joy and excitement of other colleagues, she changed her previous style, light makeup, sat silently and silently, and did not like or sad in her eyes. I glanced down at my watch, and every movement of the hands was so slow and so fast. Looking back, her eyes touching in the air, this time I didn't run away, and she didn't run away. I smiled and stared. She smiled brightly, her little snow-white tiger teeth, her gentle look, and I understood the meaning of farewell in her eyes.

"All the way safe", clicked "Send", I smiled and shook my phone. The other party seemed to be unconscious, still sitting motionless. Soon, the silence was disrupted by the other colleagues, watching the back of her as she left. An emotion in my heart that was called reluctance was spreading.

Before she left, she began to reminisce, and before she could officially say goodbye, she began to prepare for the farewell, and she finally left, and I was too lazy to walk.

Being in love doesn't make people unhealthy. It's just that she belongs to spring, I belong to winter, between spring and winter, between summer and autumn. However, some poets say that when winter comes, will spring be far away?

I watched her leave in my memories, and leaving was also a return to the spring that originally belonged to her. I should bless her. Seeing, that is, blessing.

Occasionally, there will be a sudden thought in her heart, and a sudden urge to go to her city to see her. Occasionally, I would think it was nice, talk about innocuous issues, and warm up to each other in the dark of night. Occasionally, the falling raindrops make me sad, my heart holds an umbrella for her, check the weather forecast to find that her side is sunny, so the mood is sunny, occasionally, for no reason, I feel lonely, I will go out for a walk, do not read books, do not look at the scenery, just blow the wind. The wind is flowing, may it carry well-being.

Occasionally, I also want to fall in love and try it, and in the end nothing will happen. I didn't act, I wasn't waiting, I wasn't really expecting. I can do anything, I can do anything, and I know in my heart: when I am old and tired, I will no longer catch the wind in the flight.

Love is like catching the wind.

Later, she said in a text message, you come here.

I said, I'm old. I said, "Well, I'm tired, and I don't have the strength to run around like a young man anymore." Or wait until you come back. ”