When it comes to the education of "their own children", many parents can't avoid a handful of bitter tears: this child is too special! In him, all the methods of education, whether taught in books or taught by friends, seem to have failed! I'm too hard!
In real life, I often hear such complaints, and I will always be extremely comforted by empathy.
In addition to comforting, the enthusiastic and studious people can't help but fall into deep thinking: Why do so many parents feel this way? Even I sometimes feel similar feelings?
After a lot of thinking and literature verification, I think I almost found the answer, and now I want to share it with you through this article.
First of all, to summarize the conclusion of my thinking: the idea that "my own children are too special" is not completely in line with the facts, and this illusion is related to the child's growth law and the psychological behavior of parents.
Next, we will analyze the reasons from these two aspects, and finding the right reasons may allow us to educate our children more peacefully.
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< h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > the complex manifestations and promotion laws of children's "problem behaviors"</h1>
The complex performance of children's "problem behavior" is obviously the most important reason, if the child is as "standard" as the industrial products on the assembly line, parents will certainly not have the feeling of "this child is too special".
"Every child is a unique being", this saying is correct, so the parents' complaints are not unreasonable.
However, "uniqueness" does not mean that "children" do not have commonalities, although their "commonalities" do not seem as obvious as assembly line products.
Regarding the commonalities of children, especially in the "problem behavior", two of the biggest figures in education and psychology, Alfred Adler and Rudolf Drex, have long been observed and studied.
Adler was Drex's teacher, and it can be said that it was this pair of teachers and apprentices who laid the foundation for the entire modern theoretical system of education, and now the source of most educational methods is directed at their teachers and apprentices.
The pair found that the unique children were basically the same in terms of "problem-making behaviors." All have a gradual escalation process, which can generally be divided into five stages: seeking attention, seeking excessive attention, power struggle, retaliation, and self-abandonment.
Looking at the names of these five stages alone, we can also know how complex and diverse the children's "problem behavior" is, and it is understandable for parents to complain, but after all, it is still regular.
The first stage is not a "problem", so it can also be said that the "problem behavior" includes only the last four stages. This theory has a history of nearly a hundred years, has withstood the full baptism of time, has been cited and re-elaborated by many educationalists, and is also the theoretical basis of many scientific education methods.
This theory does not contradict the complaints of parents, and the former even explains the explanation. In the eyes of many parents, "the specialness of their own children" means that their children's behavior is in a relatively special "stage".
Well-behaved "other people's children" are generally in the first stage (seeking attention), and occasionally "shaking" to the second stage (seeking excessive attention) and the third stage (power struggle) will not bother parents too much.
In the eyes of parents, special "own children" may be in the third stage (power struggle) more often, and may be slightly stimulated, and they will "shock" to the fourth stage (retaliation) or even the fifth stage (self-abandonment).
Therefore, "their own children" and "other people's children" are not very different in their "nature", they are just in different "stages".
Taking the child's "temporary intention" in the mall to buy a toy that parents are not willing to pay for immediately, if it is explained from a psychological point of view, the child's "temporary intention" is very likely to originate from the child's subconscious of seeking attention and seeking to be loved, which is very different from the "real like" of "planning for a long time".
"Other people's children" may be easily persuaded by their parents to leave relatively peacefully; while "their own children" often start to make a big fuss (power struggle) and even verbally attack their parents (retaliation) after confirming that their parents are not willing to buy.
When parents lament the difference between "their own" and "other" children, they may ignore some basic facts: the wayward "own children" are actually developed from the sensible "other people's children", and parents are responsible for this development process.
Let's put aside the responsible things for the time being, and first say the good news: the "advanced process" of children's problem behavior is reversible!
That is, as long as the method is done properly, we can get the problem child back to normal. Of course, the higher the stage the child is in, the more difficult it is to "return".
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<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > psychological defense mechanism that blinds parents</h1>
On the other hand, parents feel that their children are special, but also because they unconsciously activate their own psychological defense mechanism.
The theory of psychological defense mechanisms was first proposed by Freud, has a history of more than a hundred years, and is now widely accepted by the psychological community. To put it simply, when we encounter setbacks, we will make ourselves feel better through repression, denial, rationalization, and regression.
Everyone has a psychological defense mechanism, and generally speaking, the benefits of psychological defense mechanisms far outweigh the disadvantages. Even from the perspective of educating children, the enthusiasm of the psychological defense mechanism is obvious, if it is not its "careful protection", I don't know how many parents will be "mentally depressed".
However, excessive psychological defense is extremely detrimental to educating children, and there is even a danger of teaching children "bad".
Looking back at their own experiences in educating their children, it is not difficult for most parents to find that they have opened psychological defenses in or after their children's "power struggle" stage.
At that time, and even after the fact, the parents' thoughts were usually: I have no problem, this child is too strange, so I can only sacrifice the killer skill of scolding.
The idea of "I'm okay, the child is too weird" is the "denial" in the psychological defense mechanism, which for many people is more reassuring than admitting that they have made mistakes at present or before, and can also "rationalize" the "regressive" behaviors they may have.
The simple and crude behavior of scolding appears in adults who have been educated by civilization, which is a kind of "regression". We retreat to the state of childhood and even barbarism, which is in fact no more "advanced" or rational than the child in the "power struggle".
Perhaps the defense mechanism of "regression" can allow parents to get a momentary speed, but this extremely low-level method cannot solve the high-level problem of education, and can only promote the "advancement" of children's problem behavior.
What happens in a child's "power struggle" or higher stages can often leave a deep memory for parents, while in the first two stages (seeking attention and seeking excessive attention), what happened may be "forgotten" by parents because the child's performance is less "eye-catching".
For example, many parents have begun to "over-defend" in the two stages of their children's "seeking excessive attention" or even "seeking attention", but parents often "forget" these.
Most of the defensive behaviors of parents in these two stages are not much different from those that occur in higher stages, but the "intensity" of the process is generally lower, and the "winning party" is often the parents, and the "own children" at this time are still the "children of others" in the eyes of other parents.
It should be noted that some parents will meet the needs of their children unprincipledly at these two stages, and from a psychological point of view, there is still a shadow of psychological defense behind this practice of parents.
Parents usually do this with two psychological motivations: one is to "compensate" for the loss or lack they have suffered in childhood, and the other is to "avoid" the "pain" of reasoning with their children.
In a sense, it is the excessive defensive psychology of parents and their words and deeds under their domination that gradually "force" normal children who are only seeking attention into "problem children", and then, again, activate the psychological defense mechanism to attribute all this to the "specialness" of the child.
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< h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > concluding remarks</h1>
This article reveals the "truth" of the problem of "their own children's special" from both children and parents, which may cause discomfort to parents who are relatively sensitive psychologically. however
The key to everything is to admit that one plus one equals two, and to understand this, all other problems will be solved (George Orwell, British writer).
This "truth" may still be comforting and hopeful for parents. Our children are not "special" enough to invalidate educational methods, and even if they currently have some "problems", we can help them return to "normal".
As for the specific method, I have discussed it in the previous article (and may write it later), and there are many methods given by others. After all, direction is more important than method.
Regarding the psychological defense mechanism, I would also like to explain that its positive effect cannot be ignored, and we should not completely abandon it, but we should not use it excessively.
I think that in the direct "conflict" with the child, we should consciously guard against it; and after the inappropriate words and deeds of our children occur, we should reflect on the one hand, we should apologize to the child, on the other hand, we can also let the psychological defense mechanism soothe our wounded hearts.
This article focuses on an analysis of a common "illusion" when parents raise children, limited in space, does not involve specific methods, I have written articles to discuss specific methods (do not have to meet all the requirements of children, two moves, a mental method, to help you raise children happily), interested can see, welcome to correct.