The road must be walked by oneself, and happiness must be fought for by oneself. Although everyone has the right to pursue happiness, since ancient times, only those who are good at grasping happiness can achieve happiness.
As Gorky said, "Life is the desire for happiness, the struggle for happiness." ”
There are always people who feel that as long as people are on the road, they will definitely meet happiness. But in fact, happiness is not encountered, but to be fought for by oneself.
When it comes to happiness, most people always like to look outward. They often pin their happiness on others. If you can't meet happiness, you can say that you are not ladylike when you meet someone.
Often, these people who want to find happiness from others can't catch happiness at all. Because happiness is always given to yourself, not given to yourself by others.
Why?
Mostly because of the inspiration that "Intimate Relationship" gave me.
The author of the book is Life Coach Christopher Meng. He has nearly thirty years of research experience in spiritual growth. Through Christopher's elaboration, you will feel it firsthand and believe that the switch of happiness is in your own hands.
Su Hei, a writer of emotional self-healing, once said: "Love is a process of inward search." ”
The same is true of happiness, as long as you are willing to grasp happiness, it will definitely be caught by you.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="12" >1. The process of finding happiness is the process of finding oneself inward</h1>
"The wise seek strength inward, and the unwise seek outward." We usually refer to those who seek strength inward as "wise men"; those who seek happiness outwardly as "unwise people". That's because we know that no one but ourselves can truly meet our needs.
Even so, most people spend their entire lives searching for it. But whenever they have expectations for someone, the nightmare begins.
As Christopher said, "The road to hell is paved with anticipation." ”
Because all expectations are just to satisfy a desire in the depths of the heart. Once this desire cannot be satisfied, love will dry up and happiness will be left without a trace.
Su Mingyu in "All Is Good" has obviously gotten into trouble with his family. But why does she still contribute money whenever her family encounters difficulties? Because she wants her family to see her worth.
Proving his worth is Su Mingyu's deep desire hidden in his heart. Intimate Relationships tells us, "If you want to be loved forever and become an important part of your parents' lives, the best thing to do is to prove that you have special value." ”
Because she is a girl, Su Mingyu has been treated differently by her parents since she was a child. That home, for her, was not a home at all. There, Su Mingyu couldn't find a sense of belonging at all, nor did he feel that he was important. When he grew up, the "desire and dissatisfaction" of his childhood was always entangled with Su Mingyu.
As a result, she often doubts that she is not important, so she hopes to show her strength to her family and let them see her worth. But unfortunately, her efforts and efforts did not make her feel happy, because Su Mingyu never understood: "What we really need, no one can give, and no one can make us happy." ”
Only by looking inward can you truly find happiness.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="56" >2</h1>
Christopher wrote in Intimacy: "Disillusionment is a gift from the soul that allows me to jump out of the mistaken thought of seeking pleasure outward." ”
When some people look for a partner, they will unconsciously project their childhood experiences and inner desires onto each other. When I was first attracted to the other party, I felt very happy. I thought that this happiness was very solid, but I did not expect that with the deepening of understanding, the other party was not as perfect as you imagined.
In life, we often encounter young men and women who are still like glue in the first half of the year, and they are cold in the second half of the year. When they are together, they say that the other person is their ideal type; when they are separated, they say that they have looked away.
Has the other party changed? Or have you changed?
Not really.
Jane Nelson writes in Positive Education: "When a child's sense of belonging and the need to affirm his or her importance are not met, he/she feels frustrated. Each child feels different levels of frustration, but all cause them to behave in a certain way. ”
Those who hide deep in their hearts will want to control their partners when they are not satisfied. For example, in "Mother-in-law's Bracelet", after Mai Tong was dumped by his ex-girlfriend, when he met Zha Xiaomeng again, he originally thought that Zha Xiaomeng could see his own value. Unexpectedly, Zha Xiaomeng did not understand him at all.
Mai Tong tried to communicate with Zha Xiaomeng, hoping to persuade her not to care about the "outside of the body" such as houses and ceremonies. But when he found that he couldn't control Zha Xiaomeng's thoughts, his heart for her slowly became cold.
So they began to quarrel, and the more they quarreled, the more fierce they became.
Christopher said: "We would rather argue than face a wound because it is much easier to be angry than to suffer heartbreak." ”
Mai Tong likes artistic creation, yearns for freedom, and has an uninhibited soul. But his uninhibited soul has not been recognized. When I was a child, my parents didn't understand; when I grew up, my ex-girlfriend didn't approve of it. Over time, these became the pains that Wheaton buried deep in his heart.
Seeing Zha Xiaomeng's attachment to the house and marriage, Mai Tong once again remembered the old wounds of the past. He felt that Zha Xiaomeng was excessive, and he was also very angry. However, McTung does not know that anger cannot solve any problem, it can only suppress the pain in the heart.
At the end of the day, the partner you need to find has very little love, and instead, you will only leave a chicken feather.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="60" >3. Liberation from captivity is really happiness</h1>
Christopher wrote in Intimate Relationships: "Giving sincerely is a completely different experience. You don't feel overwhelmed, you don't get angry that you don't get gratitude, and you certainly don't give to pay back guilt. ”
However, it is not easy to do it without asking for anything in return. Blindly paying, will not feel happy. Because the sense of sacrifice will make you exhausted. And the real way to find happiness is to understand the real self, go beyond the methods that the family is accustomed to using, and do things according to your heart.
Therefore, how to understand the true self, and how to go beyond the usual methods of the family and obey the heart, has become the key to grasping happiness.
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【Orthodoxy】Intimate Relationships Bridge to the Soul Psychology and Growth Nonviolent Communication ¥42 Purchase
In Intimate Relationships, Christopher mentions that if you can't stop arguing with your partner, be sure to ask yourself the following questions:
1. What do I really want in the end?
2. Are there any misunderstandings that need to be clarified?
3. Are the emotions I express really feel in my heart?
4. Are my or my partner's emotions related to childhood experiences? Is there déjà vu?
5. How does this emotion arise?
6. How do I respond to this emotion?
7. What are the feelings behind the emotions?
8) Can I respond with love?
If you can't get out of the identity of "victim, persecutor, savior", you must learn to use the following questions to break the wall and liberate yourself from captivity:
1. Solve the problem and jump out of the framework of the problem first.
2, all the problems are disguised gifts and valuable experience, is an opportunity to upgrade.
3) The attitude of everything you see and think is a projection of your heart.
4, everyone has the ability to be 100% responsible for what they encounter.
5) Freedom does not come from answers, but from questions.
6) There is no problem too big to be solved with love.
In Intimate Relationships, Christopher divides intimacy into stages of moon halo, disillusionment, introspection, and revelation. At each stage, there are problems that you and your close friends may encounter, and through Christopher's sharing and the presentation of solutions, help everyone to face life proactively and find the switch to open happiness.
In short, remember that your happiness depends on yourself, not on anyone.