Everyone has mistakes and shortcomings, the relationship between people depends on the attitude towards mistakes and shortcomings, and the person who always mentions the mistakes and shortcomings of others is the most hated person in the world, and conversely, the most lovely person in the world.
To blame others is to deny the wisdom of others, to deny his value, to deny his dignity, to deny his personality, and to deny his self-confidence. Blame only brings resentment and conflict, while praise avoids this set of problems.
Tao Xingzhi, the principal of Yucai Primary School, saw Wang You smashing the boys in the class with mud and sand, and immediately stopped it, so that he went to the principal's office after school.
After school, when Tao Xingzhi returned to the principal's office, he saw that Wang You was already waiting at the door. He took out a piece of candy and gave it to him: "This is a reward for you, because you came here on time and I was late." Wang You took the sugar in disbelief.
"This second piece of candy is also awarded to you, because when I don't let you hit someone, you immediately stop, which shows that you have a lot of respect for me, and I should reward you."
Tao Xingzhi took out the third piece of candy and stuffed it into Wang You: "I have investigated, you smashed those boys with mud and sand because they did not abide by the rules and bullied girls, and you smashed them, indicating that you are upright and kind, and have the courage to fight against bad people and bad things, and you should be rewarded!" Wang You shed tears of emotion and said regretfully, "Principal Tao, you can hit me twice!" I'm not smashing bad guys, it's my classmates. ”
Tao Xingzhi took out the fourth piece of candy and handed it to Wang You with a smile: "For your correct understanding of the mistake, I will give you another piece of candy, but unfortunately I only have this piece, my candy is gone, I think our conversation should also be over!" ”
Wang You is lucky to meet such a great principal! How wonderful is this kind of praise communication! I think it is difficult for each of us to become educators, but no one in this way of communicating is not unmoved, that kind of open-mindedness, that kind of naturally flowing language, like a warm ray of sunshine illuminating our hearts.
The way praise is communicated can cultivate a person's mind and state of mind, and it will sublimate your self-confidence and cultivation, compassion and benevolence into tolerance. If a person finds the beauty of others and praises them sincerely, his own bosom will also become broader and more humble; if a person accepts the praise of others, his self-confidence will be enhanced, his mood will be comfortable, and he will feel that the sky is bluer, the water is clearer, the flowers are redder, and people are closer. By generously giving the sunshine of praise to others, it both inspires the hearts of others and pleases ourselves, so why should we not enjoy it?
Psychologist Herrock once did such an experiment.
He divided the subjects into four groups and completed the task separately in 4 situations with different triggers. The first group is the praise group, which gives praise and encouragement after each work; the second group is the training group, which is strictly reprimanded after each work; the third group is ignored and does not evaluate it, only let them listen to the praise and criticism of the other two groups; the fourth group is the control group, so that they are isolated from the first three groups and do not give evaluation. The experimental results showed that the work performance of the first three groups was better than that of the control group, the praise group and the reprimand group were obviously better than the neglect group, and the praise group's performance continued to rise. This experiment shows that the timely evaluation of work results can strengthen work motivation and promote work. Proper praise is clearly better than criticism, and criticism is better than not giving evaluation.
Peter Barler, a circus trainer, did a similar animal experiment.
In the first method, in the process of training the puppy to perform, when the puppy's movements are wrong, Baler scolds and whips the puppy, so that it remembers that when it does something wrong, it will be taught; when it is right, Baler does not show any indication.
In the second method, when the puppy has done a particular performance right, even if there is a little progress, Baler will go up and gently stroke it, give it a compliment, or reward it with a piece of meat and tease it for a while, as a reward for its seriousness.
By comparing the above two methods, Baler found that the latter was much better trained than the former, and the puppy was more likely to master various performance movements and was very willing to cooperate. Therefore, Baler used the latter method to train various animals to perform juggling. Of course, Baler did not use a strange method. Since ancient times, the world's animal trainers have used this method to tame all kinds of fierce birds and beasts, and taught them various juggling skills. Later, many psychologists also experimented with animals, comparing the effects of praising good deeds and punishing wrong things. As a result, they all found that praise is better than punishment, and blind criticism will not have any good effect.
The same method is equally effective in the interaction between people and people. Why don't we replace whipping with rewards, and scolds with consolation?
"For the human soul, praise is like sunshine, without which we cannot grow up healthily. However, most of us are only sensitive to avoiding the cold words of others, while we ourselves are stingy to give the sunshine of praise to others. The famous psychologist Jess Laurel said.
In real life, everyone is born eager to be appreciated by others, just as everyone is afraid of being blamed. Psychologist and philosopher William James said: "The strongest desire of human nature is to be recognized by others. ”
Even the juggling puppies are so eager to be praised, let alone human.
In the ×× Military Region, I shared a room with Xiao Zhao. She also doesn't go out to work and sleeps at home all day. You cook, she says you can't do it, you shouldn't put this, you shouldn't put that; you sweep the floor, she says you draw eyebrows like an old woman; you're busy at work, she says you affect the room. For this, I really can't stand it, and I usually want to go home late. I just couldn't stand the housekeeper at home.
Later, because my sister was going to come to Beijing to see me, I didn't want to freeze my relationship with my colleague Xiao Zhao, and I also planned to improve our relationship as soon as possible, so every time I came home and saw that she was sleeping, I changed my mouth and said: "It's good to live with you, you can buy one less lock, save yourself the need to bring the key every day." ”
When she said that I don't want to put it when I cook, I praised: "Xiao Zhao, I think you have a talent for cooking, who will marry a wife like you in the future, it is really blessed, can you go through the back door and teach me a few tricks first?" ”
During that time, I was complimenting her. At first she was a little disgusted, but later, the more I praised the skill, the more skilled I became, and the more sincere my attitude became, and she actually believed it.
In this way, our relationship quickly became harmonious. Every time I sat down in the house when I got home, I smiled and complimented her a few times. I found that praise was happier than paying her a salary. Ten days later, she had nothing to say to me.
My sister came to Beijing and watched Xiao Zhao do housework every day, wash and wash shabu so actively, and thought that she was here for free to borrow it.
People have many innate shortcomings, which are formed over the years and are difficult to change. If you often accuse others of their mistakes and dwell on other people's wrong things, it will cause psychological and point of view estrangement and contradictions between the two sides. No matter how much you care about a person, how much you love a person, how good, how true, and honest you are to him, if you blindly treat him in a accusatory way, he will never accept it, nor will he appreciate it.
A simple compliment can make a student in a cattle herding class a chemist, and can make a shy international student a psychologist widely loved by young people. The language of praise is like the magic wand of a magician, which has miraculously changed the fate of many people.
Carnegie, a relationship expert, once said that liking to be recognized and feeling important is the main characteristic of people that distinguish them from other low-level animals. If the ancestors did not have this important need, then human civilization may have stagnated in place. The young Steve Morris had bad eyes, but he was born with sharp ears. One day, the teacher asked him to listen to the voice and find the rats that had escaped from the school laboratory. The teacher's recognition of him opened a new life for Morris. In the 1970s, he became popular as "Steve Wonder" and became a top pop singer and composer.
If one does not receive recognition and encouragement, one feels discouraged. For example, the boss of a company organizes employees to travel at public expense every year, but this year he no longer organizes it, because he thinks it is very boring and spends a lot of money every year, but no one has ever said to him: "So happy, thank you boss!" ”
Hei Youlong, a training specialist at carnegie schools, said: "There was a mother who threw a large amount of straw on the dinner table, and the whole family was stunned, she said: 'I have been cooking for the whole family for decades, and the old and young have never given a word of affirmation. Hei Youlong also stressed: "Don't think that there is no need for praise between family members, even people like mothers who give love and do not ask for returns are eager to have a day of affirmation." ”
