Today is the Middle Yuan Festival, this day in 2018, the father-in-law died on the spot in a tragic car accident.
For the next three years, I remembered almost every day the scene of that day, and the three scenes of handling the aftermath.
All kinds of heartaches, crying, unacceptable emotions flooded, and once destroyed normal life. The saddest thing is of course my mother-in-law, on the day of the accident, she went through the whole process, and she could not accept this result the most, all things were handled by my son, and as a daughter-in-law, I could only accompany my husband to experience various problems that he had never encountered.
For three years, we did not dare to mention that day, did not dare to say everything about Grandpa to the children, and avoided all communication, but everyone was very painful in their hearts, and they were using different methods to face and reduce the impact of the event.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="6" > my state for three years</h1>
1, at first it was completely unacceptable, unable to accept a living person, now lying motionless under the wheel, can no longer get up, until today, that tragic scene remembers to cry once.
2, with the passage of time, the mood slowly calmed down, will think about why this happened, what is the problem? In the beginning, it was the driver of the car who pushed all the responsibility behind him, and if he didn't speed up and crashed, nothing would have happened. Later, it was also analyzed that if the car is broken and parked on the high-speed bridge, it is necessary to put an ice cream bucket to prompt the rear car, to call the traffic police, to leave the scene, not to call another car, not to crouch between the cars to check... After a very rational analysis, the mood is better.
3. Accompany Mr. to deal with the aftermath. The first to identify the body in the forensic building, this is a scene that is rarely encountered in ordinary times, and it is very painful at the same time, mixed with fear, and even a little curiosity. Before I saw my father-in-law's body, there were two other bodies next to me, and I glanced at it, and I was frightened at the time. One is a young man, naked, stiff, miserable, with an open mouth; the other is also naked, stiff, miserable, the mouth is not open, the deepest impression is that her long hair is like hay, obviously no nutrition, and at the same time smells an inexplicable smell, immediately afraid to no. When he saw the body of his father-in-law in the back, there was no fear, his face looked very serene, as if he was asleep, not completely naked, leaving a pair of underwear, red. The limbs are not miserable white, but waxy yellow. The forensic doctor was next to do the examination, turned his head with his hand, the neck had been completely broken, only some skin was connected, seeing this scene, the tears could not be stopped, too miserable... How painful it was... The right limb was also bruised by the wheels... Within two minutes, we couldn't stand it anymore, and we all withdrew from the forensic building, crying incessantly...
4. Every night after that, before going to bed, I remembered the scene in the forensic building, and to this day, as long as I close my eyes, I automatically emerge. Gradually, fear filled my life, and I realized that this was not okay, that life had to go on, and I began to rethink.
What am I going to do?
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="13" > what am I afraid of? </h1>
1. Am I afraid of the Galaxy Park Forensic Building, the Auditorium, and the Incinerator?
2. Am I afraid of death? Afraid of all kinds of remains?
3. Am I afraid of the various processes and rituals after death, and afraid that I will lie in the same position one day?
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="19" > in the face of death, I have tried 6 ways to relieve my emotions</h1>
1. Cry
When you can't accept this fact at the beginning, you often cry through the first week, and you cry as soon as your emotions come up, which is basically uncontrollable. Later, I think about it, maybe it is the psychological stress mechanism, encountering unacceptable grief that cannot be handled, and can only use crying to vent, there is no other way. It is also a protective mechanism of the body, if it is suppressed, it will be depressed.
Crying is an emotional catharsis and self-preservation
2. Have a baby
About half a year later, I felt that the fear was really unbearable, but also in order to alleviate the grief of my mother-in-law, I originally did not have a second child, I was already preparing to get pregnant, and I was pregnant at the end of April 2019, thinking that the child could be on the same day as me, it seemed a little narcissistic, hehe ~ ~ In addition, because Dabao's birthday was the same day as her father. This way is mainly to divert attention, the hope of life, to dispel the despair of death.
What followed, of course, was the consumption of all kinds of time, energy, and money.
But the desire for the wonderful and splendid life has exceeded the current difficulties, so there is no hesitation in giving birth to a second child.
Erbao is cute
3. Watch the movie "Dream Quest"
Friends who have seen this movie know that this movie is very warm, very healing, the skeleton has become very cute, and one of the core points in it is that the death of life is not really a passing, if there is no one in the world who remembers you, it is the real death.
When watching the film, it is very healing, and the mood can be calmed.
Remembering this point of view expressed in the film can be said to give me a different perspective on death. It was like having a gentle hand that gently smoothed out the turbulent fear in my heart.
Movie Dream Quest
4. Watch Cai Lan's interview
Occasionally saw an interview with Cai Lan, said that once he was on a plane, encountered a very bumpy air flow, the people next to him are very afraid, some even write a suicide note, Cai Lan calmed down, and later was asked why he was not afraid, Cai Lan said: I am not afraid of death, because I have lived.
This point of view of Cai Lan gave me another perspective on death. What he said about living is certainly not a repetitive life day after day, year after year, but a wonderful, different, interesting, full of life and hope. Since then, my fear of death has become an expectation and love for life.
Cai Lan
5. Learn the basics of psychology
Psychology foundation has a lot of books, courses can be learned, I chose is the course of Teacher Liu Jia of Beijing Normal University, after learning, the biggest feeling is that psychology to solve the relationship between people and themselves, partners, children and the world, let you know a variety of why, ice to find a way to face them.
How to face death, there is a special chapter in psychology to talk about. The core view is that death and life are two concepts that accompany each other, death is objective existence, quietly waiting at the end, the meaning of its existence is to control "life", let you know that life is limited, time is limited, hurry up and live wonderfully.
Teacher Liu Jia of Beijing Normal University
6. Read books
Cai Chongda's "Skin Bag". A very typical example in this book, which is also the origin of the title, is that Grandma killed chickens in the New Year, has bloodied the chickens, the chickens are dying, and suddenly jump up and jump, Grandma is not polite, picked up the chicken and fell a few times, the chicken did not move, the mouth said: The soul has gone away, what is the use of leaving this skin bag empty, it is better to leave happily.
Grandma is transparent and has the most open-minded understanding of life.
In addition, I also read a book written by the mortician, and I can't remember the specific title. The author's father and mother are both morticians, living in a small town, the author has heard about it since childhood, and when he grows up, he also inherits the mantle of his parents. The book tells of the death of one life after another, and his parents and himself have left them the last decency all their lives.
At first, I was just curious about what life looked like after it was gone, and when I saw it, I finally found that behind the lost life was also a vivid story, and they were also warm and brilliant. There are more than 7 billion people in the world, each with a different life, a different story, maybe every day looks the same, but the inner world is colorful, which is a happy thing.
I tried to dilute my fear of death with all kinds of knowledge and knowledge, so as to gain peace of mind so that I could have the strength to live the rest of my life. Bai Yansong said: If you are not calm, you will not be happy.
After trying various methods, I found that what I was afraid of was not the 123 mentioned above, but the fear that I had not lived well, seriously, and wonderfully.
For the passing of life, if it is a natural departure, I can do a peaceful acceptance, this tragic way, let me difficult to accept, there is a great reluctance in my heart, regret that life did not bloom brilliantly and could not be spent peacefully, my father-in-law, originally can slowly enjoy the just begun, leisure retirement life ah...
So, all my fears actually stem from this sudden, completely destroyed feeling of hope.
The solution is obvious: accept the fact of death, let the mood calm and calm; no need to fear this skin bag, the soul is the focus; know that death is always waiting on the other side, and then turn back to a serious and steadfast, wonderful life, whether it is having children, or hard work, must be full of hope for life, there is hope, in order to live well.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="17" > what exactly is the purpose of doing on the day of Qingming or various sacrifices every year? </h1>
It is at such a specific time that we think of those who have passed away, think about the conversations with them, think about the things we have done together, let them continue to live in our memories, and this is the only thing we can do.
Through these practices, these rituals, we tell ourselves that they are still here, not completely gone, still living in our memories, although with a deep sense of powerlessness, a deep sense of helplessness, but it is better than nothing. Life is going to evolve, civilization is going to continue, it's inevitable, learn to accept.
Thank you for being in my life
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" Data-track="21" how to reflect the value of life >? </h1>
My studio is doing financial management, there is life insurance in it, but it is not for the father-in-law, which is quite a hole in the face. The reason is also very simple, the father-in-law is retired from hospital logistics, the benefits are good, and I feel that I don't need it. Later, the mother-in-law actually mentioned that she wanted to vote, but she forgot about it later, and really punched her face again. Sometimes we always feel that the accident is far away from us, in fact, we don't know, the accident or tomorrow, which one comes first. This is the embodiment of the value of the end of life.
The value of life is more reflected in the process:
What value our work creates for others,
Our life, have you ever felt the hope and beauty of life,
In this process, do we have a warm, brilliant, even unknown in some corner of society, to live our lives.
Come on
Postscript: After writing this article, I also officially said goodbye to me 3 years ago, and officially let go of my grief and went on. It turned out that I had made these efforts to save myself in order to face death, hoping to help friends who had the same experience. If you have similar stories and feelings, please let me know and we will face it bravely together.