Recently, a father published a question on Zhihu about educating his children.
My child gets the agreed grades, but I don't want to promise the reward I promised, what should I do?
How much the father had sworn to promise the child a reward this time, how funny it was to regret it.
Moreover, the reason for this father is also ridiculous.
"It's not that I'm upset about money, I think it hurts him to fill the child's game money."
Netizens were surprisingly consistent in this matter, accusing the father's behavior of hurting the child.
"I hope you don't turn your child's trust into a joke."
"Do you know what your child's most immediate feelings are? It is deep despair. ”
Many parents feel that their children are young, do not remember things, and occasionally sprinkle a panic will not be anything.
But a study published in the journal Experimental Child Psychology showed that children who were repeatedly deceived by their parents as children were often more likely to lie when they grew up.
A single "good for you" is perfect prevarication.
However, are these "lies" really just a small thing for children that can be forgotten?
01 For a child, "lying" parenting can affect his life
Many parents will unconsciously tell some seemingly insignificant lies in front of their children.
Like what:
The phone rings and tells the child," says "Someone is looking for me, just say I'm not there!" ”
Mingming is playing a mobile game, but he says "Daddy/Mom is busy at work and can't play with you!" ”
I watched TV with my kids for a day, but I lied to people and said, "I took my kids to an amusement park today!" ”
They even use "intimidating" lies to educate children, such as:
"Eat the gum in your stomach and your intestines will stick together"
"If you don't obey, the police uncle will take you away"
The drawbacks of this kind of "lying parenting" will make children cheat more on their parents when they become adults, which is manifested in not being honest with their parents, covering up their whereabouts and interpersonal relationships.
In a variety show, Yuan Hong asked his wife Zhang Xinyi: If you are given a chance, are you willing to go back to the past?
Zhang Xinyi replied decisively: No.
And told a story about her childhood.
When she was a child, she liked a pair of white sneakers priced at 99 yuan, but her mother always used the excuse of being admitted to the top few in the class.
So Zhang Xinyi continued to work hard, and finally got to the top few in the class, but her mother still did not buy her this pair of white sneakers.
In order to make up for the pain of her childhood, almost all of Zhang Xinyi's shoes are white, so today she uses crazy purchases to make up for her regrets.
Maybe zhang Xinyi's mother simply lied at that time, and did not expect to have such a great impact on the child's life.
If you truly love your child, stop "lying parenting" and face your commitments properly.
02 For parents, "lying parenting" is more labor-saving
I believe that every child has the experience of being coaxed by parents, and these experiences will be hidden in the child's heart for a lifetime.
We can't deny that sometimes the power of lies is faster than scolding, and the effect is immediate.
Therefore, in order to save time and effort, many parents will choose "lying parenting", as for what happens later, it will be solved later.
In the long run, parents will habitually use lying to solve all the problems thrown by their children, and sometimes even deliberately mislead their children.
However, parents have thought about it when they are lying, in case the child finds out that the parents are lying, what should they do?
In fact, when children find out that their parents are lying many times, their trust in their parents will gradually decrease.
In particular, parents tell their children not to lie, but they cannot lead by example, which will also make children become dishonest.
Such a scene can often be seen outside.
A little boy tugged at the corner of his mother's clothes and said to his mother unwillingly:
"Mom, you lied to me, you're a big liar!"
The mother saw the crowd of people around her and patiently said to the child:
"Obedient, mom didn't bring money, tomorrow she'll bring money to buy it for you."
The child wiped his tears and cried and said:
"You said yesterday that you didn't bring money and bought it for me today, but today, you said you didn't bring money, you didn't want to buy it for me at all, you lied to me."
Looking at the crying child, the mother still patiently said to the child:
"Mom really doesn't have any money, Mom will definitely help you buy it tomorrow, okay?"
The child cried and said:
"You're a liar, I don't believe it, you just looked for money, and you said you didn't have any money."
After the child has been prevaricating by his parents for a long time, he begins to distrust his parents, and begins to question his parents and learns to lie.
This is truly a great tragedy in educating children.
03 How can parents avoid "lying" parenting?
Be a little more patient with your child
When we want to solve our children's problems quickly, we often blurt out some of the language of lying, but this is not a cure for the symptoms.
Once we lose the trust of our children, we often lose more than we lose.
When the child is crying, we need to control our emotions, show more patience with our children, and let the children explain the reasons for the specific behavior.
In this way, the child will understand the reason why we do not agree, and through our patience, learn to control emotions.
The power of example
When it comes to educating their children, parents know the importance of role models.
But there is very little that can really be done, in fact, if we want our children not to deceive us, we must strictly demand our own behavior.
What is promised to the child must be done so that the child can become a child who does not lie.
The Tao Te Ching says: Slow is fast.
Raising children is even more so, the more seemingly quick the way to work, the more sequelae.
What we can do is not the rush to achieve "lying parenting", but on the road of parenting, walk slowly, let the child walk steadily at every step, is the fastest way for children to grow.
May every parent be more patient with their children, give their children more explanations every time they encounter things, and let their children understand their priorities, so as to become an excellent child.
Give enough love and respect
Young children also tell a "special lie", which we usually call "big talk", for example: I saw a unicorn in the park, Santa Claus gave a gift, etc.
If you pay too much attention to and suppress your child's "big words", it will more or less stifle their imagination.
Parents can give enough love and respect to ensure that their children's fantasies do not hurt themselves and others.
Children can believe in the existence of fairy tale elements such as unicorns and Santa Claus, but don't think that they should go deep in the forest to explore and fly to the sky.