Author 丨 MindCatcher
How do you make a child responsible for himself?
When you see this headline, you may think, isn't that what I want? I have to "force" the child, I have to be cruel, but why do I have to push more and more useless? Adolescent child, the more you force him to do one thing, the more he does not do it, or even "lie flat" and do not do it. Then Teacher Li, why do you say that the responsibility is forced out? This article is actually to answer the questions often raised by parents, saying that their children are disobedient and do not do the things they agree to do, let alone those chores that should be done by him or their own things, how should I make my children responsible for their own affairs?
A small thing that happened to my child recently can be used to answer this question. The thing is this, recently after the child's middle school entrance examination, as soon as there is time at home is to play games, a dozen games everything is forgotten, what to drink water, eat is not within his consideration, in the past we are always worried that he will be thirsty if he does not drink water, will be hungry without eating, always ask him, son, do you want to drink water, and then he will say that you help me bring a cup of water, and gradually the son's drinking of water has become our business, not ready will be unhappy. But now I tell my son that these things are your own business, you have to drink water to pour yourself, but he is not prepared I will not interfere with him (I always reminded him before, in fact, because I was anxious, he drank water we are relieved, so the child thinks you are so annoyed), what should we do.
Insisting on this state for a while, the first two days will often say that thirst is dead, a day did not drink much water, I laughed and said, you are really sleep and forget to eat, did not nag him. Before getting up this morning and preparing to play a game, I took the initiative to go downstairs and said that I wanted to prepare a pot of water, and said that I wanted to take it to the room for breakfast, and my mother said, OK, you can take it yourself. But there are too many things to take, and I said to my mother very politely, Mom, can you help me take it. Then Mom gladly helped him take it upstairs.
This may seem normal, but for a child who has been coddled in the past and comes out after falling into a parent-child conflict, it is actually a huge step forward, indicating that he is taking responsibility for his own affairs, which in the past he would have been angry because we did not prepare everything for him. But now he will take the initiative to prepare himself and ask for help when he can't do it. This shift seems small, isn't it the water you prepare for yourself to drink? What's so great about that. But if you haven't experienced child rebellion, it's hard to realize the significance of this transformation, which is actually the process of responsibility. This cannot be done in many families for a long time, because of these small things, parents often have violent conflicts with their children, and even the relationship is getting worse and worse.
@Mindcatcher Adolescence accompanies such an analysis
Our traditional concept is often to insist on how children should be, and to forcibly instill the life experience we have summed up after years of life experience to the children, requiring the children to do this or that. For example, you drink more water every day, otherwise something will happen to your body... When a child is young, he may do as he pleases, but he never experiences the physical discomfort of not drinking water for a long time, and never even knows what it is like to be thirsty. Under such indoctrination, children basically develop a lot of so-called good habits on the basis of no life experience. But this habit is entirely the experience of others, and he does not know why he wants to do it, so these habits are not habits that he has from the heart.
We always indoctrinate our children to develop good habits
When the child enters the rebellious period of adolescence, because the parent continues to use this method to raise the child, the parent-child relationship will become worse and worse, and even the parent-child relationship will break down. At this time, the so-called good habits of the past will become a tool for the child to confront the parents, because these habits are forcibly instilled by the parents, and if they are not willing from the child's heart, he will be completely reversed. For example, he used to take a shower every day, and now he doesn't bathe for a month. He used to drink a certain amount of water every day, and now he may not drink water for a day. Because subconsciously, these things are what my parents want me to do, and I don't do them. At this time, parents may be in a hurry, always urge the child to do these things, do not do it is very angry, this just hit the child's arms, he will use these things to control the parents, and even put forward that if I take a bath you will meet my request. The child does not think that these things are his own affairs at all, he believes that these are the parents' affairs, the reason is that the parents pay too much attention to these things, and do not give the child the opportunity to be responsible.
So what should we do to be able to return the blame?
The first is to define the boundaries of responsibility. Parents must figure out what is the child's own business and which things are the parents' business. For example, in the case of eating, parents should prepare meals, but whether the child eats or not is his business. Our family is like this now, after the meal tells the child that it is time to eat, if he does not come to us to eat normally, we should wash the dishes and wash the dishes after eating. Leave the child on the table, he will eat it himself and then heat it himself, and if he does not eat it we will no longer bother him. Sometimes in the afternoon when he was so hungry that he would eat it himself and have to cook his own hot meals. At this time, it is to return the responsibility, and after a long time, he generally will not come down too late to eat, and even if we eat, he will come to eat together.
The second is to be patient and not to nag. In fact, the biggest difficulty of this process lies in the parents' own mentality, once the child does not act according to our imagination, the heart feels extremely uncomfortable, always have to nag the child. In fact, once you nag you lose, the child may prefer to be hungry rather than come, and even have a great conflict with the parents, think that you do not love me, you just hate me, so they give up on themselves.
The third is to encourage children in a timely manner. When the child takes the initiative to take responsibility, it is necessary to see the child's progress in time, but do not exaggerate, I usually pat the child's shoulder and say a word of concern, for example, be careful of the water! When we encourage the child's progress again and again, when he chooses to ignore it when he does not do it, he will slowly take responsibility for his own affairs.
The last thing is not to take the initiative to be responsible for your children. In the process of this transformation, the child will definitely have repetition, he cannot behave so responsibly together, but we must put away our own responsible heart, and the child must not reach out (sometimes if the child asks us for help, we can occasionally help, but we must say that the father helps you). Let the child experience the logical consequences of his own irresponsibility, and use his personal experience to educate himself, and only if he really experiences painful or uncomfortable experiences, he may truly realize that he is responsible for this matter. When he experiences this discomfort, no one can be responsible for him, only he can make himself comfortable, such "forced" can really produce an effect, not forced, this kind of force is actually to let the child experience their own life, so as to summarize their own truth, a person only if he is willing to change can change, how to be willing to change, in fact, after his own experience, he thinks that he must change to feel better, at this time, the change will naturally occur.
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