I read Imatoshi's suicide note again, "I'll take a step first", and cried several times

In 2010, the famous Japanese animation supervisor and manga artist Kon Satoshi passed away.

Born on October 12, 1963 in Sapporo, Hokkaido, Japan, Imatoshi has directed numerous international awards for his animation productions. Representative works include "The Unma's House", "Millennium Actress", "Tokyo Godfather", "Delusional Agent", and "Red Hot Chili Peppers". On August 24, 2010, at 6:20 a.m. (Tokyo time), he died of pancreatic cancer in Tokyo, Japan, at the age of 46.

The next day, a suicide note titled "I'll Go First" was published on the blog.

Again, the full text of the suicide note that made the editor cry many times was posted, and it was still a version translated by netizen Kinnsan.

Bye.

May 18th of this year is a day I will never forget.

On this day, the doctors of the Department of Cardiology at Musashino Red Cross Hospital made the following declaration: "You are the end stage of spleen cancer, and the cancer cells have metastasized to all bones throughout the body, and you can only live for half a year at most." "I heard these words with the insiders. Fate is so abrupt and unreasonable that we can hardly bear it alone. I usually think to myself, "I may die at any time, and this is no way." "But it's too sudden.

However, it may really be said that there are early signs. 2-3 months ago, I had severe pain all over my back, as well as my heels and other parts, and my right foot was unable to exert myself, making it difficult to walk. I have sought out an acupuncturist and a chiropractor, but my condition has not improved. The results of the mri (nuclear magnetic resonance) and PET-CT (stator tomography) and other precision instruments are the declaration that "only half a year can live". It was almost as if God had come back and Death was standing behind me, and I was really helpless. After the announcement, I worked with the insiders to find a way to survive. It's really desperate.

We have reliable friends and incredibly strong support. I reject cancer drugs and want to live by believing in a worldview that is slightly different from the world's prevailing ideas. I feel that rejecting "ordinary" is quite my style. There is no room for me in most factions anyway, even in medical terms. At the same time, this time also made me realize what kind of mechanism is behind the mainstream of modern medical care. "Just live in the worldview of your choice!" Unfortunately, it is useless to rely on a single force, as it is when making a work. The condition did deteriorate day by day.

At the same time, I am also a social person, so I usually accept about half of the world's universal worldview. After all, I will obediently pay taxes. Even if I am not proud, I am qualified to be a member of Japanese society. So while preparing for my worldview of "living," I also intend to "prepare for my death." Although it is completely untied. One of the preparations was to enlist the assistance of two trusted friends to set up a company responsible for managing Imatoshi's insignificant copyright. Another preparation is to write a good will so that my small property can be smoothly inherited by my insiders. Of course, there should be no inheritance battle after I die, but I also want to remove as much uneasiness as possible for my wife who lives alone in the world, so that I can leave with a little peace of mind.

All kinds of procedures, I have a lot of headaches with my insiders, pre-investigation, etc., thanks to the help of great friends, it is carried out very quickly. Later, in the critical situation of my pneumonia, when I vaguely signed the last name on the will, I finally felt in my heart: it should be okay to die like this. "Alas... Finally can die. ”

After all, he was taken by ambulance to the Musashino Red Cross two days ago, and taken by ambulance to the same hospital a day later. As a result, he was hospitalized for a detailed examination. The results of the examination were complicated by pneumonia and severe water accumulation in the lungs. I asked the doctor what was going on, and his answer was quite official. In a way, I'm thankful for him. "At best, it can only last a day or two... Even if you survive it, it will not work at the end of the month at most. Listening to me, I thought, "How can it be like the weather forecast..." But the situation is getting more and more urgent. It was July 7th. This year's Tanabata is also too cruel.

So I quickly made up my mind: I was going to die at home.

Maybe the people around me ended up causing them a lot of trouble, and it took me a hard time to find a way to get me out of the hospital and go home. Everything is thanks to my wife's efforts, the hospital's seemingly abandoned but really helped me with the actual assistance, the great support of the external hospital, and the accident that can only be considered a "gift" that can only be considered a "godsend", and even makes me unable to believe that the accident and inevitability in reality can be so coincidentally interlocked. After all, this is not "Tokyo Godfather". When my wife managed to get out of the hospital for me, I said to the doctor, "Even if it's a day or a half day, as long as I stay at home, there must be a way!" "After saying that, I stayed alone in the dark ward and waited to die. It was lonely, but what I thought to myself was, "Death may not be bad." "This idea is not for any special reason, maybe because I can't hold on if I don't think so, but in short, my mood at that time was very calm even for myself."

There was only one day when I couldn't say anything unacceptable. "I said I don't want to die in a place like this..." At this moment, the calendar hanging on the wall in front of me began to shake, and the room looked bigger and bigger. Use one's noodle...... How did you run out of the calendar to pick me up? My hallucinations are really not full of personality. "My sense of professionalism is still in operation at this point, and I can't help but laugh. But this is perhaps the moment I came to "dying" the closest I could be. I truly felt the imminentness of death.

Wrapped in "death" and sheets, and with the best efforts of many, I miraculously escaped the Musashino Red Cross and returned to my home. Death is also very painful. Let me state that I am not criticizing or hating Musashino Red Cross Hospital, so please don't get me wrong. I just want to go back to my own home. Back to where I lived.

One thing surprised me a little. When I was sent to the living room at home, I actually attached the most commonly heard experience of dying: "Standing on a high place and watching myself being moved into the room" is probably standing a few meters on the ground, overlooking the scenery containing itself with a somewhat wide-angle lens. The quadrangle of the bed in the center of the room gave me a particularly big impression. Wrapped in a sheet, I placed myself on that piece of the quadrangle. It doesn't feel like much caution, but there's nothing to complain about. I was supposed to be waiting to die at home. Didn't expect that. I seem to have easily overcome the pneumonia barrier. ah? I actually thought, "I didn't die." ”

Later, when I was full of only "death", I felt that only once did I really die. In the depths of the hazy consciousness, the word "reborn" shook several times. Incredibly, the next day my strength was activated again. I think all this is due to my wife, the people who came to visit me to share my vitality, the friends who came to cheer me on, the doctors, nurses, nurses, and so on. I thought so from the bottom of my heart.

Now that all the energy to live has been activated again, I cannot continue to be vague. I remembered that this was an extra lifespan, so I had to use it better. At the same time, I also want to at least pay back one more human feeling. In fact, I only told a very small number of people around me about my cancer, and even my parents did not know it. In particular, this will create a lot of trouble for my work, so I can't say it. I also wanted to go online to announce that I had cancer and report the rest of my life to everyone every day, but because I was worried that Imatoshi's imminent death was small, it would also have a lot of impact, so I was very sorry for my relatives and friends around me. Really sorry.

Before I die, I would like to see many people again and say a few words to them. In this life, I have family, relatives, friends who have started dating from small countries, high school classmates, college acquaintances, people who have met and exchanged many exciting people in the world of manga, many people who work together in the world of animation, drink together, stimulate each other's techniques with the same works, share weal and woe, countless people I have known as animation directors, and many noble people around the world who are willing to call themselves my fans. There are also friends who meet through the Internet. If I could, I'd also like to meet a lot of people (and certainly people I don't want to see). But after meeting, it felt like I was thinking, "I'll never see this person again!" "The idea will accumulate more and more, and I will not be able to die simply." At the same time, even if I recover slightly, I don't have much strength left, and it takes great determination to meet others. The more people I want to meet, the more painful it is to see them, which is really ironic. Plus, as the cancer metastasized to the bone, my lower body began to paralyze and I could barely get out of bed. I don't want people to see me skinny and skinny. I hope that many friends will remember the imatoshi who is still full of vitality.

Relatives who do not know my illness, all my friends, all the people I know, I want to apologize to you on this occasion. But I really hope you can understand This willfulness of Imatoshi. Because Imatoshi was originally "such a guy". When I think of your faces, many good memories and smiles come to my mind. Really thank you all for giving me such great memories. I love the world I live in. Such a thought is a kind of happiness in itself.

The not few people I know in my life, whether the impact is positive or negative, are necessary ingredients that make up the person "Imatoshi", and I want to thank all the encounters. Although the result was that I died early in my forties, I also believe that this is irreplaceable to my destiny. I've had a lot of great experiences. Now I only have this thought about death: "I can only say regret."

It's true. Although I can think of so much indebtedness as helpless and give up, there is still one thing that makes me say nothing. It was my parents, and Mr. MADHOUSE Maruyama. One is Imatoshi's biological parents, and the other is the reinvention parents of the animation director. Although it was a little late, I had no other options than to confess. At the time I really wanted to be forgiven.

When I saw Mr. Maruyama come to visit me at home, I couldn't control my tears, and I couldn't control my self-ashamed thoughts. "I'm sorry I became like this..." Mr. Maruyama didn't say anything, just shook his head and shook my hands. It fills my heart with gratitude. The gratitude for being able to work with this gentleman turned into an indescribable joy that swept in like a furious wave. That may sound like an exaggeration, but that's all I really can say about it. Maybe it's just my personal delusion, but I really feel like I'm forgiven in one fell swoop.

The last thing I can put down is the movie "Dream Machine".

The film itself is certainly the case, and all the staff involved are also very concerned to me. Because it is not good, the picture drawn with painstaking efforts along the way is very likely to be never seen by anyone again. Because of the original, the script, the setting of the character and world view, the storyboard, the impression music... And so on, all the thoughts are in the mind of Imatoshi alone. Of course, there are many parts that are also shared by many staff members such as painting supervision, art supervision, etc., but basically only Imatoshi knows what he is doing, and only Imatoshi does it. If it is all Imatoshi's responsibility to say that it will become like this, then I have nothing to say, but I think I have also put in a lot of effort and hope to share this worldview with you. Now, my mistake really hurts my spine.

I really feel sorry for the staff. But I want you to understand a little bit. Because Imatoshi is "such a person", he has the ability to make animations that condense many different components from other people. This may be very arrogant, but please forgive me for looking at the face of cancer.

I'm not waiting to die, I'm also desperately racking my brains so that Imatoshi's work can continue to survive after his death. But the idea is also too simple. I mentioned to Mr. Maruyama my concern for Dream Machine, and he only said, "Rest assured, I will find a way for you, don't worry." "I cried, I really cried. In the past, when making movies and budgeting, I owed him a lot of affection, and in the end, Mr. Maruyama was always cleaning up the aftermath for me. This time too, I didn't make any progress at all. I had a lot of long talks with Mr. Maruyama. Therefore, I have a little experience that Imatoshi's talents and skills are very valuable in the current animation industry. I regret these talents. I said I wanted everything to stay. But since Mr. Madhouse Maruyama said so, I was able to walk away with some confidence and peace of mind.

Indeed, needless to say, I simply feel that it is a pity that these strange ideas and the techniques of detailed description have disappeared, but there is no way. I sincerely thank Mr. Maruyama, who gave me the opportunity to stand before the world. I really appreciate you. As an animation director, Imatoshi is happy enough. It's really painful to tell your parents. In fact, I also wanted to go to Sapporo and report to my parents that I had cancer when I was still free to move, but the speed of deterioration was so fast that I could only tell them in the ward closest to death. "I have pancreatic cancer, I'm dying, I'm going to die soon. I'm really happy to be a mom and dad child. Thank you. The words spoken suddenly did not brew for long, after all, I was already surrounded by a premonition of dying.

Until I got home and struggled to get through the pneumonia. I made a lot of determination before I decided to meet my parents. My parents also wanted to see me. It was painful to meet, and I didn't have the strength to meet... But I said everything I wanted to see their faces. I want to tell them in person that I am very grateful that they gave birth to me. I was really happy. Although my life is a little faster than others... This makes me embarrassed about my wife, my parents, and the people I like. They quickly responded to my willfulness. The next day, my parents rushed to my house from Sapporo. Just after seeing me lying on the bed, my mother blurted out the words I will never forget: "I'm sorry! I didn't give you a build-up to a healthy child! I couldn't say the second word. The days of living with my parents are not long, but enough is enough. I think they can see everything when they see my face, and in fact it is. Thank you, Dad, Mom.

It is a great joy to be born in this world as children of the two of you. Countless memories and thanks filled my chest. Happiness itself is precious, but what I'm more grateful for is that they have allowed me to develop the ability to feel happiness. Thank you very much.

It was very filial piety for my parents to take one step at a time, but in the past ten years, I have fully exerted my skills as an animation director and achieved my goals, and I have also received considerable evaluation. The only regret is that it is not very popular, but I think it is enough to repay them. Especially in the past ten years, my life density has been several times that of others. I'm sure both parents and I must know this. Being able to talk directly to my parents and Mr. Maruyama allowed me to unload the burden on my shoulders.

In the end, it was more than anyone who worried me, but until the end I tried my best to support my wife. After receiving the doctor's announcement, the two of us cried several times. These days, every day is a torment for our body and mind. It can't even be described in words. However, the reason why I was able to survive these painful and helpless days was because of the strong words you said after the doctor's announcement: "I will accompany you to the end." "You're not wrong at all. As if to get rid of my worries, in the face of those angry waves of demands and requests, you are organized in an orderly manner, and at the same time you suddenly learn how to take care of your husband. I was very touched by your shrewd and capable appearance. "My wife is so powerful!" Don't talk about this at this point? No, no, because I deeply appreciate that you are better than I have always thought. I believe that after I die, you will be able to send Imatoshi away smoothly.

Looking back, I was busy working every day after I got married, and now that I think about the only time I spent at home at leisure, after cancer, it was too much. However, you next to me know very well that people who are busy with work are people with talents. I'm really happy, really. Whether it is the day of being alive or the day of greeting death, I cannot thank you enough. Thank you. There are many other things that worry me, but the numbers are endless. Everything needs an end.

Finally, I think it should be hard to accept now... I would like to express my deep gratitude to Dr. H, the attending physician who promised me to receive cancer care at home, and his wife, Ms. K. Nurse. Although it is very inconvenient to do medical treatment at home, you still tenaciously think of various ways to relieve the pain caused by cancer, and you try to make me more comfortable when death is approaching, which really helps me a lot. Not only that, but in the face of this patient who is not only troublesome, but also has an unusually arrogant attitude, you have crossed the box of your work and helped us in a more humane way. I really don't know whether to say that you are supporting our husband and wife or saving us. At the same time, the character of the doctors and the wise men also gave us encouragement from time to time. Thank you very much, really.

This article also came to an end. From the time I knew I was running out of life in May and a half, two friends who gave us extraordinary assistance and spiritual support, both public and private, mr. T. who was a member of KON'STONE Co., Ltd. and a good friend of mine since high school, and producer H, I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you very much. It's hard to find the right words of thanks from my poor vocabulary, but we are both in your care. Without you two, my death would have been more painful, and my wife, who was taking care of me, would have been devoured by me. Really everything is taken care of by you. Although I have been taken care of, I am sorry, can I ask you to assist my wife until I die and come out of the funeral? That way, I can also "get on the plane" with peace of mind. I sincerely ask you.

Finally, thank you to the readers who have read this long article all the way, thank you.

I'm going to put down my pen with gratitude for all the good things in the world. I'll just take the first step.

--Toshi Imamoto

May 18, 2010

(Translated by netizen kinnsan)