17-year-old Xiao Ai cried and said to his mother, "If you push me again, I will die!" ”
But the mother also cried and shouted, "Then you will die!" ”
At the age of the flower season, she was originally a prospective college student in a key high school, with excellent academic performance, which was the pride in the eyes of her parents.
But why, why do you want to "speak wildly" like this?
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="5" >01, eve of the college entrance examination: "I'm not going to school." ”</h1>
When I watched CCTV's "Psychological Interview" recently, there was a girl who was impressive.
17-year-old Xiao Ai, who attended a key high school with excellent grades, is a "well-behaved girl" in the eyes of her parents.
However, on the eve of the college entrance examination, at the most intense moment of study, Xiao Ai left school and hid at home.
At first, I thought she was unwell, but after taking more than two months off, her parents became more and more anxious.
He said it and scolded it, but Xiao Ai just refused to go out of the house for half a step, and his emotional reaction became bigger and bigger.
She even wanted to jump off the building at one point, but when she told her mother about this idea and the reason why she didn't want to go to school, all she had to do was not understand and accuse.
She was deeply hurt and even hated her mother.
Seeing that the situation of the child is getting worse and worse, parents who are worried about the child's situation and academics take their children to the program for help.
With the guidance of the psychological interview teacher, Xiao Ai revealed the real reason why he did not want to go to school.
It turned out that she felt that her parents were "liars" and didn't care about her at all.
Her parents did not understand her and always denied her, and the last straw that overwhelmed her this time was her parents' "words without faith" once.
On her birthday that day, she had reminded her parents the night before, and her parents had promised to accompany her, but she still reneged on her promise.
She protested, but was criticized by her parents as "ignorant" and "unreasonable". Obviously, her parents were at fault first, but they blamed it on her.
So she chose to resist silently, and in disappointment, she gradually had no motivation to go to school and no longer met her parents' expectations.
In social support, the family is the last harbor and the last interpersonal support.
However, the repeated "untrustworthiness" of parents inadvertently destroys the child's sense of trust and security.
The American writer Nan Sifu said: "Children may not always remember the repeated words of their parents, but they always remember everything about what their parents casually agree to." ”
Parents always think that their children are "small" and "ignorant", and once or twice "reneging on their words" is beyond reproach.
But in the eyes of the child, the "untrustworthiness" of the parents is deception and neglect, which is enough to remember for a lifetime.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="25" >02, unbelieving parents, swipe their children's "letter" card</h1>
Psychologist Adler mentioned in "The Art of Communication" that language can make children successful and can also crush children.
Parents promise their children, which is an instinct to respond to their children's needs.
But if parents do not pay attention to it, or easily lose faith, it is easy to turn the expression of love into irreversible harm.
And this damage can last a lifetime.
Previously, there was a news on Weibo that a boy wanted to jump off a building because his parents had broken the student council.
A boy with a fruit knife sat on the edge of the 27th floor, intending to take his own life.
In the video, the boy holds a fruit knife and sits lost on the edge of the floor, precarious, no matter how much everyone persuades, he will not come down.
It is understood that the child's parents have been working outside for many years, the child lives with his grandparents, because the parents promised to go to the parents' meeting, and then they did not come to the meeting, the boy was extremely disappointed, and he could not open it so he made a light move.
In the end, it was the firefighters who rushed to persuade and wrote a letter of guarantee to the child's mother, which dispelled the child's idea of taking his own life.
Behind this thrill is the child's loss and embarrassment. The child's wishes are not trivial, and the commitment of the parents is heavier than Tarzan for the child.
Parents easily gaffe their words, which not only makes the child's wishes frustrated, but also makes the child dissatisfied and suspicious.
There is a saying in the Japanese drama "Quartet": "What is more sad than sadness is empty joy." ”
A "promise of faith" turns around and turns into a "lie", and in silence, it is to unconsciously destroy the child's sense of trust and security.
Parents who often talk and don't talk, will their children continue to believe you?
Zhang Chao, a famous Chinese actor, has participated in his daughter's reality SHOW.
He wanted to take this opportunity to understand the true thoughts of his daughter who did not grow up around him, but he became a "accusation" against him.
The daughter with a big grin, when facing intimate relationships, is sensitive and crispy inside, and she is a little afraid of marriage.
The root cause is the "untrustworthiness" of his father Zhang Chao.
When I was a child, I promised to pick up my daughter every Saturday and Sunday, but every time I reneged on my word, I never showed up at the agreed time.
Little people, get up early and dress up early, looking forward to it, but what awaits is always that the father does not answer the phone.
In the midst of repeated waiting and disappointment, the daughter was disheartened, and for many years, the only evaluation of her father was: an unreliable person.
Sociologist Lin Zach said: "Parents are the closest people to their children, but also the most trustworthy people, and every deception from their parents is enough to crush the inner world of children." ”
Children who grow up in a lack of trust and security have a hard time trusting others, and even unconsciously become dishonest people, unable to establish a relationship of mutual trust with the world.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="49" >03, be a "trustworthy" parent</h1>
The educator Mr. Cai Yuanpei said: "The family, the first school of life." The character of a lifetime, the so-called ever-changing one, is mostly embryonic in the family. ”
Home is the bond that builds the child's intimate relationship with the world. Every time parents keep their promises, they are love and respect for their children, and they are also a correct example for their children.
For commitment, parents need to pay attention to:
First, do not make promises easily
In order to "not sweep the child's happiness", many parents will easily make promises to their children when the atmosphere is warm, but when they start, they find it difficult to resign, which makes the child's wish more disappointed.
Therefore, parents are not sure what they can accomplish, do not easily give promises, and act cautiously. Know that even a negative answer is worth ten thousand promises that can never be fulfilled.
Second, we must try to complete the promised things
Deng Chao once promised his daughter to participate in the Sports Games. So, even when his arm was injured, he endured the pain, just to say the number.
Not only that, but he tried his best to meet the requirements made by the child and did not give up any opportunity to express love.
And this kind of "trustworthiness" and love of parents will also become the greatest confidence of children, accompanying them to move forward.
Third, we must find ways to make up for promises that really cannot be done
If you lose your faith, parents must find a way to make up for it, not to say that they are casually untrustworthy to their children, but to let them feel valued. Understand that parents also have imperfections, but they will definitely talk about it.
Words must be done, deeds must be fruitful, and the words and deeds of parents are the best guidance for children!