"I'll count to three, and if I don't turn it off, I'll confiscate the tablet!"
"1, 2, 3, it's time, bring it!"
"It's no use crying, you've been watching cartoons for too long!"
"If you refuse to turn it off every time you watch it, I won't show it to you next time!"
"Okay, okay, don't cry, you are obedient, and your mother will take you to buy ice cream later!"
Having dinner with a few moms and friends on the weekend, the movement of a mother and son at the next table was a bit big, so we couldn't help but secretly "look sideways". At a glance, you know that this is a common "off cartoon" war in every household, no matter how the mother coerces and seduces, the baby still does not give up, and in the end it can only end up with chickens and dogs.
As soon as this holiday arrives, similar scenes happen almost every day......
Image source: "Settle Home"
The mothers at the same table shook their heads again and again, and after a sigh, they turned on the spit mode-
"It's exactly the same as my family, every time you turn off the TV, you have to go to a world war!"
"I feel like the TV is connected to my son's emotional switch, laughing when it's turned on, and blowing up when it's turned off!"
"My family said it would be five minutes, but when the time came, I cried, and I had to watch it for a while, and it was endless every time!"
"Grandparents can't hold him at all, they always say that they can't turn on the TV and don't eat, but the more they watch it, the slower they eat!"
"Which one watches TV, my family plays with a tablet, plays games, all follow the devil, every time I grab a tablet, it's a tough battle......"
Image source: "Settle Home"
What a bitter stomach! In the face of the baby who can't stop "watching TV and tablet", what should I do to set up rules and limit the screen scientifically?
I cry when I turn off the TV,
The child really didn't mean to be uncooperative
It seems that the baby who will cry every time he "shuts down" is really a bit unreasonable.
But if you take a closer look at the psychology behind it, you will find that their crying is justified, on the contrary, parents who are simple and rude and "turn it off" will really hurt their children a little.
1. The Zegoni effect: the obsession of human nature to pursue completeness
In life, we will find a strange phenomenon -
In order to play the game until it is cleared, we can stay up all night; In order to watch the whole game, we are willing to go to work with black circles under our eyes every other day; In order to catch up with the drama to the finale, even if we yawn a lot, we still stay up late and refuse to sleep......
In psychology, this is known as the Zeigarnike effect – it's in human nature to have a strong obsession with getting things done. When the wish is not fulfilled, the psychological need for "completeness" will make people linger. [1]
So, the cartoons that I didn't finish watching, the games I didn't play, the ice cream that I didn't finish eating, and the slides that I didn't slide enough...... It will make the child remember it and cry non-stop. The obsession with "consummation" makes the child entangled in the lack of "not getting", and then loses his temper.
At this time, the crying is not that the child has a bad temper, nor is it that the child does not follow the rules, but that "what you can't get is always in turmoil", which makes him difficult to let go.
2. Dopamine blockage: the brain's reward mechanism is suddenly suspended, bringing pain
If you are having a sweet dream and are suddenly woken up; Singing a song, suddenly interrupted; Eating delicious food, suddenly the dishes are knocked over; I had so much fun when I was suddenly splashed with cold water...... Who wouldn't be angry?
This kind of happiness was suddenly interrupted, and the emotional impact it brought about was the same uncomfortable as watching animations and playing games with children, and they were suddenly ordered to turn them off.
Image source: "Settle Home"
Social psychologist James Olds once discovered in an experimental error that dopamine stimulates the "reward center" and produces pleasure, making people want to do something all the time.
In the experiment, Alz accidentally installed the wrong electrodes in mice, and it was found that when the shock brought pleasure, the mice would actively receive the shock, pressing the lever as often as 5,000 times per hour, and could continue to press for 15 to 20 hours until they died of exhaustion. [2]
There is a reward system in the prefrontal cortex and ventral striatum in our brain, and watching TV, playing games, and watching videos will activate the transmission of dopamine in the reward channel, causing people to feel pleasure, so that people continue happily and finally "become addicted".
Image source丨Picture insect creativity
In order to catch the attention of children and capture the hearts of children, animation companies and game companies have also made great efforts to study the psychology of customers.
The ups and downs of the plot, the interlocking game links, and the "intermittent reinforcement rewards" from time to time all firmly attract children's attention, so that they are shrouded in the obsession of the "Zegoni effect", and they are deeply trapped in the "sweet trap" brought by dopamine.
At this time, suddenly turning off the TV and the tablet is equivalent to violently cutting off the transmission of dopamine, interrupting the immersion of the brain, and making them fall quickly from the happy paradise. Forcibly cutting it off can cause a pain-like sensation in the brain, so the child can't help but cry and even scream.
3. Weak emotional power: the ability to self-adjust needs to be strengthened
It's obvious that I don't follow the rules, and my parents have already given me the steps, and I understand the reason, but I still can't control my heart when I want to cry and make trouble!
Don't blame the kids. For preschool children, the prefrontal lobe, which is responsible for emotional regulation and rational thinking in the brain, develops slowly, and the "emotional brain" has the upper hand, and "a little bit" is the brain's natural stress response.
Therefore, children at this stage have poor emotional self-control, are prone to crying and spilling, and can only express the pain and frustration caused by "shutting down" in the way of tantrums.
Image source丨Picture insect creativity
At this time, talking to an emotionally furious baby about the rules is like talking to a drunk person about sobriety, and what you do is useless.
Only by helping the child's "emotional brain" slow down and let the "rational brain" play a leading role and occupy a dominant position, can the child be more able to listen to the reason and be more willing to cooperate.
Dealing with emotions is the focus before dealing with the "shutdown" issue.
Don't yell or scream, science "limit the screen"
Can't be forced off, and can't be left alone, so how to do it so that children can take the initiative to "shut down"?
In fact, the solution is not difficult, all that is needed is a change in perception.
Children's self-discipline is not innate, and needs to be guided by parents. When it comes to helping children establish rules, our position should not be that of a leader from above, nor should we be a police officer who keeps an eye on thieves, but a companion who is on the same side as the child and can empathize with each other.
1. Follow the "Zegoni Effect": "Watch one episode" instead of "watch another 5 minutes"
Since "unfinished" will make people linger, then reduce the child's obsession with "fulfillment".
Every time you make an appointment with your child to play games and watch animations, don't say "give you another 5 minutes", but "finish watching this episode" and "finish this level", so that children can complete one thing from beginning to end, and have no worries, then their resistance will be reduced a lot.
Second, children who have a shallow understanding of time have no concept of "minutes", which will be easier to understand when converted into the measurement method of "several episodes, several levels, and several times".
2. Countdown reminder: help your child's brain successfully complete the "end" transition
Agreeing on the rules of shutting down the computer with your child does not mean that it will be done once and for all. When a child is immersed in the world of screens, the brain is deeply immersed in it, and it is difficult to consciously withdraw from it. At this time, parents can do more of these small things in addition to the agreement:
1. Sit next to the child and discuss the plot with the TA
As mentioned earlier, what we need to do is not to bring children a sense of oppression, to make them feel that they are being watched and urged, but to be a good companion who can enter the child's heart.
So, sit down next to your child and talk to him about what's happening on the screen! Ask him, "What happened to the protagonist?" "Has the problem been solved?" "What's your favorite character?"
Image source丨Picture insect creativity
As soon as your child turns his head to answer your question, it means that his brain has come out of the closed state of total immersion and into a fluid state.
At this time, slowly build a bridge of "switching tracks" through chatting to divert children's attention from the plot. Then, there will be no pain caused by a sudden blockage of dopamine.
For example, "Peppa Pig jumps into the mud puddle, do you need to go home and take a bath?" After watching TV, does the baby want to take a bath or eat first? "Today's episode is so interesting, let's take a nap tomorrow and watch the next episode!" ”
Eliminate hostile emotions, eliminate sudden withdrawal, and eliminate the resistance of children to cry and make fuss.
2. Advance notice and teach children to read the progress bar
The child can't read the time, but he can read the progress bar that moves a little bit.
So, at the end of each time, we can remind your child to look at the progress bar:
"Gee, is the end of this episode almost there? Where did the progress bar go? ”
"Mom closes her eyes, if the progress bar arrives, will the baby turn off the TV by himself?"
"Hey, there's no sound anymore, isn't it time, and the baby consciously turns it off?"
"Babies do what they say, it's great!"
It not only allows the child's brain to receive the end notice in advance, but also shifts the attention from the plot to the progress bar, and also allows the child to be more cooperative and active by gaining the autonomy of "shutting down".
Image source丨Picture insect creativity
3. Leave the scene and switch to other game scenes
Sometimes children are overindulged and will be reluctant to cooperate, so we can take advantage of children's natural playful habits to turn "power off" into a variety of fun games.
"The baby can't find the button to turn off, Ultraman, you can help him!"
"Hey, Ultraman can't turn off the TV when he fires a blaster, so what else can you do to turn it off?"
"Oops, the monster came, snatched the remote control, where did it hide? Can you find out the baby? ”
When a child's eyes are attracted by other games, the brain unconsciously steps out of the virtual world.
Children are immersed in electronic screens because they are fun; Then when there are more interesting things in life, they will also abandon the electronic screen!
4. Gentle and firm: Firm implementation, gentle empathy
So, what should you do if you encounter a child who gets carried away, ignores the rules, and repents willfully?
It's too normal to say that they can't do it, after all, they're just a few years old. Therefore, in the process of guiding children, parents must be able to endure their temperament and bear the capriciousness of their children. The formation of good habits cannot be achieved overnight, and people's self-discipline is cultivated step by step in the grinding of swaying from side to side and struggling painfully.
When the agreed shutdown time is up, then it will be executed. If the child violates the rules, he or she will only be able to bear the agreed "consequences of his actions", such as reducing the time he spends watching TV tomorrow. Firmness can make children gradually understand the meaning of "rules" and accept the existence of rules.
Children will have emotions, crying, and sadness, these are normal phenomena, but parents should not be led by the child's emotions at this time, and get angry because of anger, and use threats, reprimands, punishments and other hard behaviors to try to suppress the child. Instead, keep your emotions calm and comfort and encourage your child, "If you keep the promise next time, you can watch it." Let's cheer together tomorrow, Mom reminds you in advance, and you also take the initiative to turn off the TV, okay? ”
Gentle and firm, it allows children to gradually get out of their emotions and understand that the shutdown is not intentional by parents, but "the rules are so".
His parents understood his mood of wanting to see it, and also accepted the sadness that he couldn't see it, and were willing to accompany him to "follow the rules, control his desires, and keep the opportunity". Then, parents are not enemies, but allies.
It is more important to develop the habit of children to follow the rules than whether they can "shut down" smoothly.
And the love and trust of parents is a powerful driver for children to do better.
Editor丨Antelope, an observer of human cubs.
References丨[1] "Introduction to Psychology: 50 Interesting Psychological Effects" by Ming Dao, Xiyuan Publishing House, 2020.08
[2] "Addiction and Brain Reward System Analysis" https://www.docin.com/p-2821935353.html
Title picture source丨Picture insect creativity
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