Trust me, as a twin, the first basic skill you learn is to be biased.
For example, whoever gets a piece of cake has more chocolate chips on it, even though none of us are starving.
You know what I mean: spending a childhood in unimaginable intensity, intermittently suspecting that life is just a controlled experiment that controls for genetic variables.
Later I read the information and found that although parents may be reluctant to admit it, favoritism is widespread.
首个在亚洲进行的「父母差别对待（parental differential treatment）」研究表明，偏心发生在高达 65% 的家庭中（Catalin 等，2020）。
When parents consistently treat one of their children differently, it can be detrimental to the child's psychological well-being (Boyle et al., 2004), both for those who are favored and those who have fallen out of favor.
This is the simple psychology of "Raising Children is Raising Yourself" series (6): The psychological cost of gaining favor and falling out of favor
01
Children who have been left out in the cold
The first episode of the Korean drama "Please Answer 1988" successfully made countless people cry, because of the in-depth portrayal of "the grievance of not being favored".
The girl, Deshan, grew up in a family of many siblings.
Her birthday is not a few days different from that of her sister, and her parents always "pull out the three candles on the cake and spend her time together" on her sister's birthday, as if virtue and goodness are not so important.
▷ "Please Answer 1988"
And because her sister is preparing for an important exam, and her younger brother is younger than her, when the family eats fried whole chicken takeaway, "Dad always asks Deshan to give up the two chicken legs to my sister and younger brother."
Under the dazzling candlelight, Deshan was full of grievances: why only for his sister's birthday and only for his younger brother to buy "World Cup" ice cream? Also, I want to eat chicken thighs!
Mom made up: Then buy you beans to eat, don't you like beans?
Deshan: No, it's okay if I don't eat it.
▷ Virtue
For Deshan, where is the problem of beans and chicken legs, it is clearly a proposition of "who do parents like in their hearts".
Studies have shown that children who are left out of:
▨ may have long-term low self-esteem during the growth process, believing that they are "secondary";
▨ Insecure, not believing that you are worthy of love;
▨ Develop a strong defense mechanism to protect yourself from being disappointed "because you are not chosen by someone who matters";
▨ may lead to a very independent outlook on life, believing that you don't need your parents (or any intimacy);
▨ Trust in relationships is low (Rauer et al., 2007).
However, these children are "not valued" and have some skills that have grown:
▨ In childhood, they are more likely to develop more self-care skills (rather than caring for others);
▨ Be more able to notice clues about "which behaviors are unacceptable" in the outside world, and help you quickly adapt to the unfamiliar environment;
▨ There is more room to develop individuality, create and achieve your own goals and dreams.
02
Favored children
So, the child who is favored must have nothing to fear?
The 2019 Golden Horse Award-winning film "The Sun Shines" tells a completely different story.
▷ "The Sun Shines"
An ordinary family of four with two sons. The youngest son, Ah He (far left in the picture), did not learn and did not know how to do it, because he cut people and entered a juvenile auxiliary school.
The father, Arwen, did not admit that he had such a child. People ask, "How many children do you have?" My father never replied, "One."
That's the eldest son, Ah Hao.
He is smart, responsible, friendly and has excellent grades. His father pinned all his hopes on him, telling the people around him that he would go to medical school.
▷ Howe
But this is the kind of Ah Hao, on a quiet night, taking a bath, tidying up the room, and jumping out of the window.
Before committing suicide, Ah Hao sent a text message to his classmates in cram school:
"We went to the zoo the other day. The sun was so strong that all the animals couldn't stand it, and they all managed to find a shade to hide. I wish I could have been like these animals, and there was a shadow to hide. But when I look around, it's not just these animals that have shadows to hide, including you, my brother, and even Sima Guang, all of whom can find a corner with shadows. But I didn't, I didn't have a water tank, no darkness, just sunshine, 24 hours a day, bright, warm, sunny."
Now, Arwen really has only one son.
It shows the price of being a darling in an extreme way: being in the spotlight at all times, with the expectation of an "ideal persona".
While pampered children often develop a sense of uniqueness, there is also a dark side to being "eccentric". It can lead to:
▨ The child is under great pressure to maintain a favored status and is afraid of losing it;
▨ Reinforce sibling struggles, because being pampered means being ostracized by other children. They may also feel guilty about their siblings "because they have been treated favorably";
▨ Tend to manipulate the more powerful parent;
▨ Fear of knowing yourself. Because they often hide from themselves and others what their parents once disliked about them;
▨ Lack of experience needed to establish one's own identity. When they are chosen to "fill the gaps in their parents' lives and psychology", the identity of the darling is often blended with that of the parents;
▨ Unaware of the impact of one's actions on others. In a favored environment, they always feel that they are "entitled" to what they want.
▷ "The Life of the Disgusted Matsuko"
The benefits of being favored may be even more obvious:
▨ Favored children have a strong sense of self-efficacy and are good at achieving goals, which often drives them to achieve good positions in their careers;
▨ They are confident, resolute and tenacious, always believing that they deserve "what I want";
▨ May be good at socializing. They are skilled in the art of ingratiation and know how to earn the trust of others, because they have mastered the art of getting along with their parents since childhood;
▨ Probably optimistic. They are not easily intimidated by challenges, but are driven by a sense of accomplishment to succeed.
In short, under the favoritism of parents, both being spoiled and falling out of favor have their psychological costs.
Both the intrinsic motivation of the favored child (pompous and guilty) and the out-of-favor child (jealousy, competition, guilt, low self-esteem, and compensatory exaggeration) may present as pathological symptoms (Yahav, 2007).
In one study, sociology professor Jill Suite even found that "favored children show more depressive symptoms as adults," which may be due to sibling tensions, or increased responsibility for parental care and affection.
03
The question arises: why do parents be biased?
1. Eccentricity can be an expression of genuine emotion that reflects a preference that is deeply rooted in a parent's heart
Clinical psychologist Ellen Weber Libby argues that "parental partiality, whether consciously or unconsciously, may be used to elicit desired behaviors from these children".
These actions are not necessarily material, but may also be "emotionally rewarding".
As a mother named "Susan" describes why she is biased:
I'm a little bit special with my eldest son. Because when I gave birth to him, my mother was very proud, and it was "the first and last time she praised me in her life." Whenever I see this child, I think of my mother's affirmation of me.
▷ Ellen Weber Libby
The eccentricity stems in part from the past experiences of the parents. Like what:
▨ A child has similar hobbies to their parents, reminding them of their favorite grandparents;
▨ A child's traits awaken their traumatic experience. At this point, the child may be acting as a kind of "mirror", revealing the parent's anger, avoidance, and non-acceptance of this trait.
2. Eccentricity, which is related to the "emotional maturity" of parents
Lindsay C. Gibson, Ph.D., clinical psychology, argues that if eccentricity is too pronounced and pathological, it is not a sign of closeness, but rather of "entanglement." This is most likely because the sibling who is being favored has a similar level of psychological maturity to your parents (Bowen, 1978).
When parents are emotionally immature, they often get along with others based on "roles" rather than "the uniqueness of each person". For example, if you are independent and sensible, "like a little adult", your parents will feel that you have no needs, and you will not have to play the role of parents.
But it's not because you "don't deserve to be loved," but probably because you don't show enough dependency to touch your parents' pestering instincts.
3. Which child is prone to bias is also related to the "birth order".
Many studies on differential treatment have shown that family size, birth order and sex are associated with eccentricity. Like what:
▨ Parents have higher expectations for the first child than for the second. It is easier to favor the youngest child and ignore the middle child;
▨ In a patriarchal culture, sons are often favored; But mothers tend to prefer daughters when they are seen as the main source of emotional value;
▨ Single-parent and extended families are more likely to be biased than ordinary families (Jenkins et al., 2003).
Also, eccentricity may also change over time. Parents may prefer children at a certain stage, such as babies or teenagers.
4. "Eccentricity" is not necessarily true, but "perceived"
Probably the worst result is that every child in the family "feels that their parents are biased".
In fact, perceived eccentricity is also related to the child's own personality (neuroticism, easy-goingness, openness) (Vander et al., 1996).
For example, people with greater neuroticism are more sensitive to eccentricity; Children with lower self-esteem are more often compared to siblings; Children with low self-worth are more susceptible because individuals tend to process emotional information in a way that is consistent with their pre-existing beliefs (Rusting, 1998).
This makes it easier for them to infer their parents' evaluations of themselves with "eccentric behaviors" and may internalize these evaluations, leading to more anxiety, depressive symptoms, and problem behaviors such as smoking, alcoholism, and truancy (Loeser et al., 2016).
For these children, "eccentricity" is a trigger that may amplify or perpetuate existing feelings of anxiety or depression, affecting psychological well-being.
04
Since parents can't avoid partiality, what should be done?
1. Normalize "Golden Boy Syndrome" and admit that "people are biased"
"Favorite child syndrome" is a concept coined by Libby in his book "The Favorite Child".
To some extent, she argues, favoritism exists in every family. As a parent, first give yourself permission to eliminate the stigma associated with favoritism.
Also, don't let your child live in secrecy and deception caused by favoritism, and create a family atmosphere where you can open up the discussion – because children can detect "who is more liked by adults" at a very young age. When emotions are hidden and not expressed, they become destructive.
2. Let eccentricity have "fluidity"
Libby 认为，偏心分为两种，刚性偏袒（rigid favoritism）和流动偏袒（fluid favoritism）。
The disadvantages of rigid flatness are:
Parental and childlike partiality is "rigid", "persistent", or simply to improve parents' self-esteem and satisfy their own ego. This rigidity is based on "roles", so it is often detrimental to the health of certain children and other family members.
But when there is "fluidity" in eccentricity, i.e., each child is favored at different times and for different reasons (when this preference represents a vision of the child's "uniqueness"), ——— partiality is healthier for all family members.
Eccentricity with fluidity can give every child the opportunity to be "favored" and "ignored". Fairness, not "absolute fairness", is the driving force behind healthy parenting.
3. Favoritism or not being biased does not necessarily lead to bad results
Although the article talks a lot about the negative effects of eccentricity, "differential treatment" does not necessarily lead to adjustment problems in children.
The study also found that eccentric behavior was more harmful in environments where family relationships were more distant. In one study, Brigham Young University principal investigator Alex Jensen interviewed 282 families and found that "favoritism" did not even have a significant effect in close-knit families.
In addition, when eccentricity is more legitimate (e.g., when a child is in worse health), sibling relationships are better – and the degree of harm of eccentricity decreases.
▷ "The Life of the Disgusted Matsuko"
No matter how old we are, we will always feel "vulnerable" to our parents' evaluations.
But I want you to know that parents' choice of "darling" is usually related to their own needs (conscious or unconscious), and has nothing to do with whether the child is "more worthy of expectation/like".
I wish you real and just the right amount of love.
🐱
Check out past issues of the "Raising Children is Raising Yourself" series: 🔗 What is an "okay" dad in today's context? 🔗 How to raise a child with "psychological problems"? 🔗 What is a "good enough mom"? 🔗 Jane Rie: Becoming a parent 🔗 who "gives up on using children" A month after the start of school, the collapse of students reached its peak
References————————
Ellen Weber Libby, The Favorite Child: How a Favorite Impacts Every Family Member for Life
Shebloski, B., Conger, K. J., & Widaman, K. F. (2005). Reciprocal links among differential parenting, perceived partiality, and self-worth: a three-wave longitudinal study. Journal of Family Psychology, 19(4), 633–642. DOI: 10.1037/0893-3200.19.4.633
Makkink ID et al., The relation between the absolute level of parenting and differential parental treatment with adolescent siblings' adjustment. J Child Psychol Psychiatry. 2004 Nov; 45(8):1397-406. DOI: 10.1111/j.1469-7610.2004.00846.x
MK et al., Longitudinal associations between sibling relationship quality, parental differential treatment, and children's adjustment. J Fam Psychol. 2005 Dec; 19(4):550-9. DOI: 10.1037/0893-3200.19.4.550
Catalina et al., The Impact of Differential Parenting: Study Protocol on a Longitudinal Study Investigating Child and Parent Factors on Children’s Psychosocial Health in Hong Kong. Front. Psychol., 28 July 2020, DOI: 10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01656
Lindsay Gibson, Immature Parents, June 2017, China Machine Press
Author: Jianghu Cover: "The Sun Shines"