Have you ever had such an experience:
When you see someone, you don't feel comfortable, and you will be inexplicably annoying. They may be a colleague or a relative of yours, or a person you see on an occasion, and you can't say why you hate them, but your gut feeling is that you don't like them.
It's human nature. When you meet someone you hate, you will be disgusted, arguing, and even turning your face. However, if you hate someone, you don't actually need to turn your face.
Because, many times, the dislike you have for others is actually directed at yourself.
Why? Let's talk about this topic today.
3 psychological roots of hating a person
Why do you inexplicably hate someone? There are usually 3 psychological roots:
The first is the subconscious judgment mechanism.
There is a point of view in psychology: if a person experiences some trauma in childhood, then this trauma may have been suppressed in his subconscious, as long as the same event occurs, the negative memories in the subconscious reappear.
For example, you were bullied when you were a child, and the looks, words and demeanors of that "bad guy" are stored in your mind.
As you get older, your memories may be blurred and the image of the "bad guy" in your mind is a little blurred, but it is still present in your subconscious.
Until one day, you suddenly meet someone in reality. This person is very similar to the "bad guy" who bullied you. The other party's appearance intersects with the shadow of your childhood, so you hate him very much.
The second is the self-protection mechanism.
In his book Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of Mind, psychologist D.M. Bass argues that the reason why we dislike people and things is because of a self-protection mechanism that allows us to avoid some threats to our lives.
A sense of security often comes from a sense of certainty and control over the environment. If you have a poor sense of control over your environment, you will have more of a stress response – because no sense of control often means there is a risk.
In life, if someone creates a lot of uncertainty for you, you will have a strong sense of rejection towards them.
For example, if you fall in love with a girl, you also think that you have a good chance of catching up with the girl, but this girl's best friend is always saying bad things about you, and you will hate this best friend all of a sudden.
The third is the projection from the heart.
Psychological research has found that people often unconsciously project their own psychological characteristics onto others, believing that others have the same characteristics.
For example, if you hate that person, you seem to be timid and cowardly, but you actually have it, and the fact is that you project these points that you hate very much on the other person, so you look at it and feel very annoying.
Psychology Cheng once did an interesting "scar experiment": the psychologist asked the makeup artist to make an ugly scar on the faces of a group of subjects, and after the makeup, he brought a mirror and let them look at the scar. The makeup artist then told the subject that they needed to apply a layer of powder to their face to hold the makeup in place.
But in reality, what this layer of powder really does is to erase the scar. After wiping the powder, the faces of this group of people were no different from ordinary people.
Unbeknownst to the public, volunteers were sent to the waiting rooms of various hospitals, where they were tasked with observing how people reacted to their facial scars.
In the end, the volunteers all came to the same conclusion that people were stranger, rude, and unfriendly to them than before.
Obviously, in this experiment, the subject projected his own ideas onto someone else. Many times your feelings and opinions are likely to deviate from the facts, but because of the projection effect, you are kept in the dark and still believe in your own opinions and feelings.
All relationships are a mirror, and the others you see through this mirror are also yourself, and some of the characteristics that you hate others are all in you.
How to get along with people you hate?
Life is a huge social circle, and many people you can't avoid. So, how do you get along with someone you hate?
1. Think of yourself as an observer
Don't be a participant when you meet someone you hate, learn to step out of the surface of social relationships and be an observer.
Why do you feel so tired of being around people you hate? The key is that you become a participant in the relationship, and your mood will lead the other person. Rather than doing this, it is better to step out and observe the causes behind the other person's behavior as an observer.
For example, when you meet someone you find annoying, you position yourself as an observer and use that person as one of the various human samples you come into contact with. Once you have this perspective, no matter how the other person behaves, you can't get angry.
After all, you're just an observer, and it's okay to extract the information you want from the other person's useful words. It's like watching orangutans pound their breasts and monkeys swinging around through glass in a zoo. Not only will you not be angry, but you may even find the other person's behavior a little funny.
Observation, not evaluation. If you don't accept the other person's emotions, and don't be carried away by them, if you look away and look down on them, it will reduce the weight of someone or something in your heart.
2. Treat the person you hate as an "exam question"
Many people, when facing someone they hate, are filled with feelings of disgust and disgust, and feel that being with such a person is hurting and torturing themselves.
When you think like that, you feel like a victim. Don't have this kind of "victim mentality", you have to treat the person you hate as a "test question" in life.
There is a saying called "borrowing the false to cultivate the truth". What is Fake? You get along with this person and feel miserable, which is fake. And it's true that you hone your willpower and improve your relationships through this person.
The American social psychologist Festinger has a well-known study, known as "Festinger's Law":
The 10% of your life is made up of what happens to you, and the other 90% is determined by how you react to what happens.
Managing your emotions and developing the ability to get along with others will give you an edge in many important things and achieve things that are difficult for others to achieve.
Your first reaction to something determines the height of your life.
3. Elevate yourself and move to a higher circle
Huang Bo once said in an interview that when he was unsuccessful, he could always meet all kinds of people around him, and all kinds of cautionary tricks were so slippery. When you succeed, you will be surrounded by good people who greet you with smiles.
That's what human nature is. When you become stronger, the annoying person will even disappear from the back.
Strive to make yourself better, don't give people you hate, contact yourself, and lower your grade.
In addition, when you become stronger and enter a higher circle, you will find:
Those who once made you dislike can no longer affect you at all, because you have higher goals and pursuits, your mind is not on them at all, and their existence will become insignificant to your life.
Finally, to sum up: if you hate someone, you don't actually need to turn your face, try to distance yourself psychologically, and you don't have to bring yourself too much. Don't waste your energy on people and things that don't deserve it, you will lose if you take it too seriously.